Family Matters
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Things on FM that I don't get

The niece's baptism post got me on this . . . why are people so obsessed with their nieces and nephews?

I see this fairly often IRL. I know people who are saving money for their nieces and nephews to go to college when they don't have two pennies to rub together for themselves AND the mother and father of the child in question don't have college as a priority (they're more blue collar, "it'll be more beneficial for them to learn a trade" kind of people). I know people who don't get along with (to the point of NOT SPEAKING) their siblings, yet INSIST they be invited to their niece or nephew's first birthday party/baptism/dance recital to be there for the child. And there are other people who don't have money to put food on the table that go out and spend hundreds of dollars on holiday presents for the niece/nephew. What gets me the most, is the aunts and uncles who pretty much act like they're the kid's parents, when both of the child's own parents are active in his/her life and try to usurp parenting duties like potty training, etc.

I have a niece. She's a cute kid, very smart and well behaved (go BIL!). I love it when she visits and when go visit my BIL. But if H and I weren't getting by financially, she's not getting anything more than a token xmas present. I'm sorry, but we're not starting a 529 plan for her. We'll do that for our own kids.

Maybe I'm missing something, like some family oriented, pack-type gene that makes you want to take care of other people's offspring.

(An unmatched left parenthesis creates an unresolved tension that will stay with you all day.

image
The Princess of Anything is Coming!

Had a dream I was queen.
Woke up. Still queen.
«1

Re: Things on FM that I don't get

  • I don't get  it either.  I don't know anyone like that at all.  I love my nieces and nephews and perhaps I did spoil the first one because I had baby fever and it was just nice to have an acutal baby to buy stuff for, but I am only talking a few cute outfits and toys. 

    Now the only thing I might might understand is Christmas.  If I knew the parent's did not have a lot of money to spend on their kids for Christmas, I might step up and get some more toys just because I like the idea of the kids having a fun Christmas.  However; I certainly wouldn't do it if it meant not putting food on the table. 

  • There's a lot of weirdo mentalities on this board. The over-obsessive aunts, the brides who think that their family and their inlaws should all be BFFs, the brides who are way overinvolved with their birth families and refuse to cut the cord, and the brides who feel threatened by their MILs and view her as the "other woman" instead of as the woman who birthed and raised their husband and turn everything into a competition.
    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • I don't get it either. I have to say that I don't see this a lot IRL, just on the Nest.

    One of my favorites was a post titled "My SIL is an idiot" in which a woman did not live in the same state as her SIL, hadn't talked to her SIL directly or even her BIL directly, but somehow was more educated on her SIL's pregnancy and the risk/rewards of her having a C-section, than, say the OB providing her medical care.

    Someone asked her how this was her business, since it wasn't her uterus and her response was "it is my niece, how is this not my business?".


    Hope is not a strategy.
  • I'm convinced that a long-time Nestie left the boards because we didn't agree with her when she insisted that she had the right to forbid her brother from having his son circumsized.
    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • I'm really hoping ziti will drop a name. 
    Hope is not a strategy.
  • I don't get it either. My nephew (-in-law) is great and fun but we don't go out of our way to make sure he is constantly in our lives. That's just weird.
  • Totally agree w/ everyone here.  THere is one thing to say "family is important" and to make family a priority, but some of the stuff I see here is over the top. 

    Especially w/ the insisting on being in a childs life - if you aren't on good terms w/ the parents, you just aren't going to have a good relationship w/ the child.  You aren't.  I know w; me- if I don't like you, you aren't going to have access to my child above and beyond me!!!

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • image ZestofLime:
    I'm really hoping ziti will drop a name. 

    I want to see if anybody a) knows who I'm talking about, and b) agrees with my theory... or at least knows who I'm talking about. I need to send out the Kuus signal to get her in here.

    image

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • image zitiqueen:

    image ZestofLime:
    I'm really hoping ziti will drop a name. 

    I want to see if anybody a) knows who I'm talking about, and b) agrees with my theory... or at least knows who I'm talking about. I need to send out the Kuus signal to get her in here.

    image

    I sure as heck don't, but Kuus seems to have the memory of an elephant....
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • srgwsrgw member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    My H and I are saving college money for our nieces (my SIL's kids) because she's barely making it by therefore she's not able to do so. We haven't really discussed it with her or our nieces (age 6 and age 8) but even if they don't end up going to college it doesn't hurt to have a little extra money as an 18 year old starting out on their own. Financially H and I can afford to do this or we wouldn't because I like to eat and have a roof over my head.

    Our other niece and nephew we aren't saving anything for because their parents are more able to financially take care of things like that.

     

  • I would do anything for my nephew and niece if they needed it.
    image
  • kcgrlkcgrl member
    Fourth Anniversary
    image srgw:

    My H and I are saving college money for our nieces (my SIL's kids) because she's barely making it by therefore she's not able to do so. We haven't really discussed it with her or our nieces (age 6 and age 8) but even if they don't end up going to college it doesn't hurt to have a little extra money as an 18 year old starting out on their own. Financially H and I can afford to do this or we wouldn't because I like to eat and have a roof over my head.

    Our other niece and nephew we aren't saving anything for because their parents are more able to financially take care of things like that.

     

     

    By paying for a kids college you are not allowing them to learn a huge responsibility. DH and I's colleges were not paid for by anyone but ourselves and we handle money very efficiently. Of the many other friends we have that had mommy and daddy (or some aunt of uncle) pay for their college - they don't know what its like to save or manage money because they don't have the looming debt hanging over them that will need to be repaid 6 months after college. They spend every dime they get and are living pay check to paycheck. You think it would be the other way around seeing as how they don't have student loans to pay....

    Everyone has their own story - our boss thinks that his kids shouldnt' go to college at all because he has heard too many horror stories about managing the debt of student loans. I think society has put too much hype on parents paying for their sons/daughters colleges.

  • Oh give me a break. My parents paid for my college, and I am by far the most financially responsible of my friends....most of whom had to pay themselves. That stereotype is crap. Paying for your own schooling isn't what makes you financially responsible, it's how you are raised that does. I was taught at a very young age that saving was important. Twenty five percent of my allowance went directly to savings, for example. I continued that practice when I starting earning apay check. The only debt I have is my house. No car debt. No consumer debt. I don't think I need debt to teach me to save. The desire to not have debt is what motivates me to save. Stop acting like the fact that they are doing a nice thing is somehow harming that child. It makes you sound like a martyr.
  • I'm not going to chime in on the "is paying for someone to go to college a gift or a curse?" thing. I've seen it both ways AND I've seen it happen regardless of how a person was raised or how their parents handled their own financial matters. (For example, H's parents paid for his college education, by saving and taught him how to save, financial responsibility. My parents did not pay a cent and were/are financially irresponsible and taught me squat about money. Over the course of college, I figured it out and now both H and I doing well financially).

    If you are financially well off, do whatever you want with your money. If paying for your niece/nephew's college education is the best thing you can think of, do that. 

    But if you can't pay for rent and yet you put money away each month for your niece/nephew, you have a problem.

    (An unmatched left parenthesis creates an unresolved tension that will stay with you all day.

    image
    The Princess of Anything is Coming!

    Had a dream I was queen.
    Woke up. Still queen.
  • image kcgrl:
    image srgw:

    My H and I are saving college money for our nieces (my SIL's kids) because she's barely making it by therefore she's not able to do so. We haven't really discussed it with her or our nieces (age 6 and age 8) but even if they don't end up going to college it doesn't hurt to have a little extra money as an 18 year old starting out on their own. Financially H and I can afford to do this or we wouldn't because I like to eat and have a roof over my head.

    Our other niece and nephew we aren't saving anything for because their parents are more able to financially take care of things like that.

     

     

    By paying for a kids college you are not allowing them to learn a huge responsibility. DH and I's colleges were not paid for by anyone but ourselves and we handle money very efficiently. Of the many other friends we have that had mommy and daddy (or some aunt of uncle) pay for their college - they don't know what its like to save or manage money because they don't have the looming debt hanging over them that will need to be repaid 6 months after college. They spend every dime they get and are living pay check to paycheck. You think it would be the other way around seeing as how they don't have student loans to pay....

    By way of this quote, "DH and I's colleges were not paid for by anyone but ourselves", I'm going to go ahead and assume that it wasn't a very expensive college, as they didn't teach you to write in proper English.

    To assume that not paying for your own education makes you financially irresponsible is a huge and ridiculous conclusion. 

  • srgwsrgw member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    By paying for a kids college you are not allowing them to learn a huge responsibility. DH and I's colleges were not paid for by anyone but ourselves and we handle money very efficiently. Of the many other friends we have that had mommy and daddy (or some aunt of uncle) pay for their college - they don't know what its like to save or manage money because they don't have the looming debt hanging over them that will need to be repaid 6 months after college. They spend every dime they get and are living pay check to paycheck. You think it would be the other way around seeing as how they don't have student loans to pay....

    We are by no means paying for their entire education. At this point we are only putting $5 a month towards each niece. Definitely not going to get them through 4 years of college.

    Also my parents paid for my college so I could get out debt free (which I did) and I am very responsible with my money. I agree with a pp about it being how you're raised. My parents were both very good about teaching me about money while I was growing up.

    PS- Sounds to me like you have some irresponsible friends. Whether or not their parents paid for their education all of my friends are responsible with their money.

  • I don't get it either. I spend $10 on Christmas presents for my 9 nieces and nephews and they get $20 for their birthday. DH even thinks that we spend too much, lol. I love and enjoy all of them, but there is no way that I would spend a lot of money on them.
  • To be honest, I don't think it's so much about the niece or nephew as it is about the relationship between the siblings or S/BILs - that is, showing off. Sending a "quiet" message that they'd be better parents/are better parent material than the birth parents. I'd never think to create a savings plan or do anything like that for my siblings kids as I think they are wonderful parents, but that's me. I'm not a parent, don't want to be, and I don't see it as a competition.
  • On the flip side, DH credits the fact that he is a stable, loving person to his aunts (mostly, b/c he had more of them) and uncle.  His own mom was sick/ in a hospital/ deceased for his childhood, his dad was (before dh's mom passed) working very hard and (after dh's mom was in the nursing home) a pretty sh*tty and self-centered person who didn't put his kids over his new gf/wife.  THANK GOODNESS  they stepped up to the plate. 

    I was once helping our kids with their homework, and dh commented that the only person who ever sat down with him while he was doing homework was his aunt.  Needless to say, dh's family is not a family of academics.

    DH's sister insists that we should all be "one big happy family" "for the sake of the children" but that will not happen - even over my dead body. 

  • I think it's just one of those things were people and families are different. It's not that either having casual aunts/uncles is bad and involved ones good; just a different dynamic.

    Growing up, I saw my aunts and uncles on occasions. I still see most of them a a couple times a year, and they're fun to hang out with, but we're not really all that close.

    Now, we live very close to two of DH's sisters. Both are considerably closer to my son than I ever was to any of my aunts/uncles. It's nice, and comforting to know that he has so many people who care about him.

    image Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
  • image EastCoastBride:
    image zitiqueen:

    image ZestofLime:
    I'm really hoping ziti will drop a name. 

    I want to see if anybody a) knows who I'm talking about, and b) agrees with my theory... or at least knows who I'm talking about. I need to send out the Kuus signal to get her in here.

    image

    I sure as heck don't, but Kuus seems to have the memory of an elephant....

    I don't have a clue, either. And it seems absurd enough that I feel like it should be a memorable one.

    image Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
  • image susiederkins:

    I think it's just one of those things were people and families are different. It's not that either having casual aunts/uncles is bad and involved ones good; just a different dynamic.

    Ditto this, there is no "wrong" way to have a family.

    I have a friend who is close to her niece, and might be called someone who "interferes." (she is kind of bossy).  My friends sister has always made bad choice after bad choice (esp. with men and with money).  It is hard to stand by and let even your own sister make bad choices where those choices affect someone you love, a child who gets pulled into those choices.  Nothing "CPS-call worthy," but it's silly to think that unless there is abuse, a child isn't influenced on the home situation.  Thankfully, she is close to her sister, so she can be a good influence on her niece, and show the niece that you don't need a man to make you complete, that getting an education is a worthy goal, that you can have nice vacations and a nice home, and pay for it with the money you earn......

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • image susiederkins:
    image EastCoastBride:
    image zitiqueen:

    image ZestofLime:
    I'm really hoping ziti will drop a name. 

    I want to see if anybody a) knows who I'm talking about, and b) agrees with my theory... or at least knows who I'm talking about. I need to send out the Kuus signal to get her in here.

    image

    I sure as heck don't, but Kuus seems to have the memory of an elephant....

    I don't have a clue, either. And it seems absurd enough that I feel like it should be a memorable one.

    I remember this. I can't remember who it was though. Was it a TIPer?

    image "Evolutionary game theorists...ignoring beebees on the nest since 2005"
  • image kcgrl:

    By paying for a kids college you are not allowing them to learn a huge responsibility. DH and I's colleges were not paid for by anyone but ourselves and we handle money very efficiently. Of the many other friends we have that had mommy and daddy (or some aunt of uncle) pay for their college - they don't know what its like to save or manage money because they don't have the looming debt hanging over them that will need to be repaid 6 months after college. They spend every dime they get and are living pay check to paycheck. You think it would be the other way around seeing as how they don't have student loans to pay....

    Everyone has their own story - our boss thinks that his kids shouldnt' go to college at all because he has heard too many horror stories about managing the debt of student loans. I think society has put too much hype on parents paying for their sons/daughters colleges.

    If you say nobody paid for your college but you, I'm assuming that you received no support from taxpayers (via funding to state schools that subsidizes tuition, or government-sponored loan and work-study programs) or generous alums (via grants, scholarships).   

    My parents paid for my college education.  There was no way I'd qualify for any aid since my family was middle class and "too rich" for scholarships.  I am superlatively good at managing my money, as is my dh (who also had his dad pay for his college education). 

    If you think there is a direct corrolation between having your parents pay for college and money managing skills or work ethic, I'd guess that you didn't receive a top-notch education (unless you can cite studies other than "my friends do XYZ" while "dh and I do ABC,") that teaches you to think critically.  I've seen people who were on scholarship who were great with money and who worked hard, and students on scholarship who slept through class and spent too much on credit cards.  Ditto students with parents who foot the bill for their education. 

     

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • image zitiqueen:
    I'm convinced that a long-time Nestie left the boards because we didn't agree with her when she insisted that she had the right to forbid her brother from having his son circumsized.

    If anyone could link a thread to this story I would seriously send them a dollar

  • image ESDReturns:
    image susiederkins:
    image EastCoastBride:
    image zitiqueen:

    image ZestofLime:
    I'm really hoping ziti will drop a name. 

    I want to see if anybody a) knows who I'm talking about, and b) agrees with my theory... or at least knows who I'm talking about. I need to send out the Kuus signal to get her in here.

    image

    I sure as heck don't, but Kuus seems to have the memory of an elephant....

    I don't have a clue, either. And it seems absurd enough that I feel like it should be a memorable one.

    I remember this. I can't remember who it was though. Was it a TIPer?

    I'd say she was mostly a TIPer but would come to FM and RE. She was a very well-known poster.

    She didn't leave immediately after people disagreed with her, but her attitude definitley changed and she posted less and less until she finally GBCNd us for good.

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • I am curious if this individual's behavior comes as a surprise to all of you? 

    I understand that people with different backgrounds and life experiences will have different opinions. However, based on my personal experience, and the reading of others' experiences this past month, some of you can be down right b#($chy if you do not agree with someone else, or you will stomp on the simplest of misspellings or incorrect grammar usage just to b!tch and add your two cents. Very few of you are actually welcoming and offer good advice/conversation. Why would anyone continue to converse with people who are consistently rude? 

  • Hey maybe people are pitching into Nieces and Nephews college funds for the tax break? LOL My parents and brother can either throw 10 grand into a college fund every year or hand it right over the government in taxes. We all try to keep as much money as possible in the family. YKWIM
    url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]
    [img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/2;10722;95/st/20090807/n/Mia+/dt/-3/k/bdaf/age.png[/img]
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  • image QueenofAnything:

    The niece's baptism post got me on this . . . why are people so obsessed with their nieces and nephews?

    I see this fairly often IRL. I know people who are saving money for their nieces and nephews to go to college when they don't have two pennies to rub together for themselves AND the mother and father of the child in question don't have college as a priority (they're more blue collar, "it'll be more beneficial for them to learn a trade" kind of people). I know people who don't get along with (to the point of NOT SPEAKING) their siblings, yet INSIST they be invited to their niece or nephew's first birthday party/baptism/dance recital to be there for the child. And there are other people who don't have money to put food on the table that go out and spend hundreds of dollars on holiday presents for the niece/nephew. What gets me the most, is the aunts and uncles who pretty much act like they're the kid's parents, when both of the child's own parents are active in his/her life and try to usurp parenting duties like potty training, etc.

    I have a niece. She's a cute kid, very smart and well behaved (go BIL!). I love it when she visits and when go visit my BIL. But if H and I weren't getting by financially, she's not getting anything more than a token xmas present. I'm sorry, but we're not starting a 529 plan for her. We'll do that for our own kids.

    Maybe I'm missing something, like some family oriented, pack-type gene that makes you want to take care of other people's offspring.

     

    For me personally,  don't think I'm 'obsessed' with my niece and nephew. I don't get them special presents, don't spoil them.I haven't even seen my niece or nephew for.....2 weeks? 3? I'm not setting aside any $ for my niece and nephew, since DH and I will do that for our own children. Stick out tongue


    -Really, I think it depends on the family as to how close everyone is. DH's family is close.He has one sibling, his brother(our niece and nephew's father). The mother is an only child, so DH and I are the only aunt and uncle in the picture at all.

    -I think wanting to spend time with family is natural, as long as you don't go overboard. I've known grandmothers who go in and usurp mom's authority completely, too, so it's not just an aunt-uncle thing.  Wink

  • image zitiqueen:
    I'm convinced that a long-time Nestie left the boards because we didn't agree with her when she insisted that she had the right to forbid her brother from having his son circumsized.

     

    Wow....that's kind of....nuts. Indifferent

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