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Infidelity Recovery...Please Help!

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Re: Infidelity Recovery...Please Help!

  • image mrsfowler1016:
    image TarponMonoxide:

    What exactly is it that is happening here?

    When was this? Was this before or during the entire 7 weeks you have been married? Why is he giving you space??

    There is a lot here -- more than I can name -- that is not being told about. We need full backstory about the affair; you will get better advice that way.

    That said, you are 21 and he is nearly 30. That's a ginormous age difference chronologically and an even bigger one emotionally. A 30 year old is mature and more "set in his ways;" you're 21 and you are still growing emotionally.

    Wow....how in heck long did you 2 even know each other before you got engaged? I am willing to bet you had a quickie dating relationship and an even quicker engagement.

    ....and factor in the fact that 21 is just plain too young for one to marry.  You should have waited at least 4 more years before you took the marital plunge with your H -- being you will be growing emotionally at a dizzying clip --- but the horse is already out of the barn on that one.

     Have you 2 sought counseling? Wow, if you have an affair on your plate at this stage of your marriage, it makes me wonder if the 2 of you should have married at all. Nobody just ups and decides to have an affair during a time when the 2 of you are supposed to be growing closer together --- an affair shows me that the person who had the affair (whether it was you or him -- or both??? I dunno; what happened here, affair-wise -- more backstory!!!) is definitely not ready for a one on one committment.

     What I strongly suggest:

    If you and he still have the gumption to want to make this fledgling marrige work, JOINT COUNSELING stat and then some.  If you are spiritual, try a faith-based counselor; also see a marriage counselor that is secular and not faith based.

    If he refuses counseling, or you do, or the both of you do, there is a way to get over infidelity but what you will be coping with is a fracture of trust. Trust is tough to get back once it's broken and gone.

    If you and he have a long talk -- and I suggest one asap -- regarding the affair and the both of you don't see any way back, have this marriage annulled in a civil court.

    And counseling FOR YOURSELF.  Age 21, newly married and coping with an affair? Wow, that's a lot to "go there." GL.

    I am 21 and was married at 20. My husband is 28. This isn't always true and depends on the person and situation. My husband and I have a strong and amazing marriage.

    Then you must be a rarity indeed, sister. I cannot imagine what a full grown man would have with a woman that age...usually there is nothing in common.

  • image carcrashheart:

    So, let's recap:

    You felt that a week and a half without sex was a problem and "woe is me my husband hates me"? Right. The sex life of a marriage goes through peaks and valleys.

    You were 7 weeks married, spent time with an X, told him you were unhappy, had sex with him. Now, suddenly, you ARE happy with your husband? I call bullsh!t. You aren't happy, you just feel so bad that you hurt him you want to believe that you really were, and are, happy. You're not. You just aren't.

    Feeling that life was over and asking yourself what you had gotten yourself in to at 7 weeks of marriage? Not a good sign.

    Forget his drinking, or former drinking issues. Forget it all. That isn't the reason why you cheated. You cheated because you're 21 years old, got stars in your eyes with the idea of a pretty pretty princess day and found out that marriage is hard and takes committment and maturity, neither of which you are able to provide right now.

    My advice: this is not something to fix with counseling, AA, Al-Anon, etc. This is something that needs an annullment and for both of you to move on. When cheating happens so quickly it's a symptom of a bigger problem.

     

    I second this post.
    I just do want to point out that our older generations did get married at 21 years of age or younger, and many of them are still married and incredibly happy with one another. It's not about age so much as maturity level at your current age. You can be 30 with a maturity level of a 13 year old- does that mean it is "OK" to get married because you are 30? It's a hard thing to gauge for yourself. I do think that in this particular instance, the OP was too immature to get married.

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  • image mrsfowler1016:
    image TarponMonoxide:

    What exactly is it that is happening here?

    When was this? Was this before or during the entire 7 weeks you have been married? Why is he giving you space??

    There is a lot here -- more than I can name -- that is not being told about. We need full backstory about the affair; you will get better advice that way.

    That said, you are 21 and he is nearly 30. That's a ginormous age difference chronologically and an even bigger one emotionally. A 30 year old is mature and more "set in his ways;" you're 21 and you are still growing emotionally.

    Wow....how in heck long did you 2 even know each other before you got engaged? I am willing to bet you had a quickie dating relationship and an even quicker engagement.

    ....and factor in the fact that 21 is just plain too young for one to marry.  You should have waited at least 4 more years before you took the marital plunge with your H -- being you will be growing emotionally at a dizzying clip --- but the horse is already out of the barn on that one.

     Have you 2 sought counseling? Wow, if you have an affair on your plate at this stage of your marriage, it makes me wonder if the 2 of you should have married at all. Nobody just ups and decides to have an affair during a time when the 2 of you are supposed to be growing closer together --- an affair shows me that the person who had the affair (whether it was you or him -- or both??? I dunno; what happened here, affair-wise -- more backstory!!!) is definitely not ready for a one on one committment.

     What I strongly suggest:

    If you and he still have the gumption to want to make this fledgling marrige work, JOINT COUNSELING stat and then some.  If you are spiritual, try a faith-based counselor; also see a marriage counselor that is secular and not faith based.

    If he refuses counseling, or you do, or the both of you do, there is a way to get over infidelity but what you will be coping with is a fracture of trust. Trust is tough to get back once it's broken and gone.

    If you and he have a long talk -- and I suggest one asap -- regarding the affair and the both of you don't see any way back, have this marriage annulled in a civil court.

    And counseling FOR YOURSELF.  Age 21, newly married and coping with an affair? Wow, that's a lot to "go there." GL.

    I am 21 and was married at 20. My husband is 28. This isn't always true and depends on the person and situation. My husband and I have a strong and amazing marriage.

     

    I second this. I am married at 21 and my husband is 25. We have been together for 4.5 years and engaged for 2. Married recently but would never think of hurting my husband like this, ever. We have always been there for each other and don't plan on that stopping. I am incredibly happy.

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  • I second this. I am married at 21 and my husband is 25. We have been together for 4.5 years and engaged for 2. Married recently but would never think of hurting my husband like this, ever. We have always been there for each other and don't plan on that stopping. I am incredibly happy.

    A four year age difference with both parties in their early 20s is NOT THE SAME as 26 and 18.  The differences at that gap are very very vast -- he's a full grown man and this is a kid barely out of high school.

     Figures that the 21 year olds are going to go "well I know everything" in this thread. Particluarly if you do the math in this case -- this is another one whose husband was her one and only boyfriend...but that is another topic for another thread.

     

  • image TarponMonoxide:

    I second this. I am married at 21 and my husband is 25. We have been together for 4.5 years and engaged for 2. Married recently but would never think of hurting my husband like this, ever. We have always been there for each other and don't plan on that stopping. I am incredibly happy.

    A four year age difference with both parties in their early 20s is NOT THE SAME as 26 and 18.  The differences at that gap are very very vast -- he's a full grown man and this is a kid barely out of high school.

     Figures that the 21 year olds are going to go "well I know everything" in this thread. Particluarly if you do the math in this case -- this is another one whose husband was her one and only boyfriend...but that is another topic for another thread.

     

    I never said "I know everything." I was simply pointing out that the statement that you made about 21 being too young to get married is ignorant; it is not always this way. I have agreed, if you look back a couple posts, that in this particular instance, it does not seem like a good match.

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  • You are not to young to be married. I am 21 years old and I am married to the most wonderful man in the world. You are totally lacking maturity. Don't blame stuff on your age or because your husband wasn't paying attention to you. Just because he didn't plan attention to you for a week doesn't mean you should go cheat on him.
    image
  •  He has a history of alcohol and I am so worried. I know we need counseling. I am doing everything I can to be a good wife. I can't believe I let this happen. It hurts so much!!!!!!

    That's very ironic, considering you were drunk when you cheated on him. Good wife, huh? Why did you run to the ex when you had trouble? 

  • Okay, the age difference? Eh. I was 20 and DH was 26 when we met, 22 and 28 when we married, and here we are, nearly 6 years of marriage later with 2 kids and a strong marriage.

    Age aside, if you believe that you two can get through this, you will both need some intense counseling together. I will say, though, that remark about "I don't want this to keep coming up" is relatively unrealistic. Expect that it will come up, because it will. You made some very, very bad decisions, and destroyed the trust between you and your DH, so you will have to deal with those consequences. Imagine this situation is reversed, and imagine how you would feel had your DH cheated on you. You would deal with moments of betrayal, hurt, anger, and possibly some self doubt and questions of self worth thrown into the mix, for a long time to come. That's not to say that I don't believe you two can maybe get through this, if you're both willing, but you'll need to take it easy on him when it DOES come up. Trust issues are hard to bounce back from, but I don't think impossible. GL to you two.

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  • I will add a million years late, I was 18 when I met dh, he was 25. We moved in together right away and bought a house when I was 20, then we got married when I was 21 and he was 28. We've been together 4.5 years now, and married 1. We have been through a lot in our time together, participating in the last year, I found out that I have (pcos) which causes infertility, I was off work for 2 months with C-Diff, and a couple months later miraculously got pregnant after meticulously charting and then miscarried/had a d&c at 13 weeks 2 days. None of these hard times /personally tragedies made me want to run in to the arms of another. I love my dh more than ever and we have both leaned on eachother this year. I don't think you should have married this guy, you are not mature enough to take on his problems.. You still have too many of your owns. Marriage does not equal your life being over, it equals life continuing on as it was before except now you have a shiny peice of paper that means you should really consider your spouses feelings. *posting from an iPhone, sorry for the lack of paragraphs*
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  • another "million years later" post here...

    ...i'm really concerned that you are feeling sexually neglected after a week and a half.  as a woman who (through couples and individual therapy) has made success and happiness out of a mariage that was sexless for a year and a half, i want to say to you GET THE EFF OVER YOURSELF!!!

    anul this marriage and buy a vibrator.  if you can't get beyond 10 days without nookie, you've got bigger fish to fry in the self-esteem department.

    that said, it sounds like the two of you deserve each other.

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  • image meadowlark:
    image Catressa08:

    He started kissing me and so on....Somehow all that happened with out me realizing exactly what was going on. I remember drifting off *not sure for how long) and waking up and getting my clothes and sitting on the sofa crying.  

    Sounds as if you had a blackout while drinking.  Even more worrisome.  In addition to getting counseling, you should run to the nearest AA meeting and get some education about blackouts.   

     

    Ok and if you blacked out and he had sex with you...that's called RAPE!

    No one is going to tell it is going to be okay because, like all the previous posts said, you cheated on your husband less than 2 months into your marriage. NO WHERE IS THAT OK! Marriage is hard and it's monotonous.  Yes I have only been married a few months, but it's been work so far! H and I worked really hard to get to this point. It's not all fairy tales and romance and I'm just starting out! I really and truly think you need to annul this marriage and you need to get counseling for yourself. Personal beliefs aside, it doesn't sound like you were mentally or emotionally prepared for "married life." You obviously lack the skills to communicate your needs, wants, and concerns with your H...the person you are supposed to confide in. Cut your losses, learn from your mistakes, and do some growing up. 

  • Your problem is not the age you got together, or the age difference between you two, or the age you were married at. 

    Your problem is that you have no idea what a marriage is, how one operates, or how to keep one together.

    What's done is done. You married him. You cheated. Now decide if you want to cut and run-- people make mistakes-- or put on your big girl panties and quit running around like you are still on the same level as all your single friends. You may be young and inexperienced, but if you stay you are making a CHOICE to forego your right to act like a stupid, selfish young adult. I married at 21 knowing exactly what I was getting myself into, and it's just a shame you didn't do the same. 

    Married women do not get to run to other men when trouble hits the marriage. They don't get to drink too much "accidentally" and find themselves in a situation where they just "have" to stay at their ex's house (do your fingers not dial your husbands phone number, or a friend's, when you've had too much wine?). They don't get to choose not to communicate with their husbands about what is bothering them and why. If they do all these things, they will most certainly find themselves divorced women. 

    Get off The Nest RIGHT NOW and start looking for couples' counselors if you plan to stay.  

  • Hello Friends,

     Again, thank you for the help and support and.. kick in the pants I needed. I wanted to give you an update that my husband and I are going wonderful together and don't get me wrong it is still going to be bumpy but I know that we can get through anything.I have grown more then anything from all of this and I dont regret it makeing us stronger but there are better ways to get there for sure! Thank you again everyone!

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