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Couple struggling with Sex issues.

Issue1: My lady and I are on two different levels in the bedroom.  So much, it has become frustrating because I am deprived of the things I enjoy and want during sex with her. 

She appears to be satisfied and content with the sex she gives but we are now at a crossroads and  ask your thoughts on how we find a happy medium.  I consider myself a freak, and a "sexually progressive" partner.  She, more traditional and  settles for very, very little foreplay and lacks an aggressive drive, passion and just a plain jane who is just fine with vaginal penatration.  Its the worst for me, but I love her. What can I do?

 

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Re: Couple struggling with Sex issues.

  • What kinds of "freaky" things are you in to?
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  • oral sex, anal sex, PTM and ATM, and the pleasure of oral sex during and after I ejaculate.
  • What's issue #2?

    I'm not a big believer in forcing sexual compatibility. If she's open to trying stuff, that's one thing, but it isn't fair or right to pressure her into stuff she's not interested in. And it sounds like it's getting too frustrating for you. Sometimes emotional love isn't enough and there shouldn't be shame or blame in that.

    ETA: Motzie has a good point, I assumed you were dating. If this is a very long-term relationship, my answer might be different. 

    image

    "The meek shall inherit the earth" isn't about children. It's about deer. We're all going to get messed the fuckup by a bunch of cloned super-deer.- samfish2bcrab

    Sometimes I wonder if scientists have never seen a sci-fi movie before. "Oh yes, let's create a super species of deer. NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG." I wonder if State Farm offers a Zombie Deer Attack policy. -CaliopeSpidrman
  • MotzieMotzie member
    Fifth Anniversary
    Are you married, or dating?
  • image Al Boogie:
    oral sex, anal sex, PTM and ATM, and the pleasure of oral sex during and after I ejaculate.

    None of that sounds freaky enough that it'd be all that hard to find someone you're compatible with. But that doesn't mean your s/o should or will change her mind.

    image

    "The meek shall inherit the earth" isn't about children. It's about deer. We're all going to get messed the fuckup by a bunch of cloned super-deer.- samfish2bcrab

    Sometimes I wonder if scientists have never seen a sci-fi movie before. "Oh yes, let's create a super species of deer. NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG." I wonder if State Farm offers a Zombie Deer Attack policy. -CaliopeSpidrman
  • She not open to some things and try with others and definitely avoids having to be ask to perform those freaky things. We been together three years, live together.  I love hard, provide and financially aid her.   I  pall the bills, buy her clothes, and do everything I can do to make sure of her well being.

     I am very committed, but now is feeling cheated of what I love about sex.  I dont want to lose her but feel trap.  She is my best friend, but our sexual relationship struggles. Growing impatient and above all, it hurts to have such a problem with the women you love.

  • Dating and living together.
  • oral sex, anal sex, PTM and ATM, and the pleasure of oral sex during and after I ejaculate.
  • I agree. We just differ. I dont think its asking much but to her its more than she rather do.  She rarely takes initiatives.  I ask, cause when I don't I'm lucky if we change positions.

     

  • Uh, providing material goods does not mean you get what you want in the bedroom. She might not like being treated like a prostitute.

    If you're in love, you can try therapy, but you may need to accept this won't change. Maybe the good things about the relationship will outweigh your other desires.

    image

    "The meek shall inherit the earth" isn't about children. It's about deer. We're all going to get messed the fuckup by a bunch of cloned super-deer.- samfish2bcrab

    Sometimes I wonder if scientists have never seen a sci-fi movie before. "Oh yes, let's create a super species of deer. NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG." I wonder if State Farm offers a Zombie Deer Attack policy. -CaliopeSpidrman
  • image Al Boogie:

    I agree. We just differ. I dont think its asking much but to her its more than she rather do.  She rarely takes initiatives.  I ask, cause when I don't I'm lucky if we change positions.

    I don't care if all you want is to curl your pinkies together in the afterglow, if someone doesn't want to and has made it clear, then it's too much to ask.

    Be clear about what feels good for you, let her do the same, be respectful and hopefully you both come to a place you're happy. If not, either change your expectations or move on.

    image

    "The meek shall inherit the earth" isn't about children. It's about deer. We're all going to get messed the fuckup by a bunch of cloned super-deer.- samfish2bcrab

    Sometimes I wonder if scientists have never seen a sci-fi movie before. "Oh yes, let's create a super species of deer. NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG." I wonder if State Farm offers a Zombie Deer Attack policy. -CaliopeSpidrman
  • Issue#2 Is that I am the sole provider of our house hold.  I pay for everything and gladly compromise my earnings.  She either lacks work or dont work. The problem is she does very little to balance the roles.  She picks and chooses what she cares to do, run the streets, and has a problem with rountinely cooking and keeping the hose clean.

     I dont want a house slave, I just want somebody who values her blessings and wants to equal the the roles we have to play.  She is against anything that requires her routinely taking care me but will accept what i continuously do for her.

  • I feel like Dan Savage would probably suggest something like asking if she'd be cool with you getting what you need outside of the relationship. But if she's super vanilla she may think that's way too freaky for her too. 

    I don't know. I feel like this is one of the reasons it can be good to live with someone before you get married. You're sexually incompatible. You can try couples therapy and figure out if there's some common ground in the middle that you can meet on, or figure out if you're willing to love the vanilla stuff. If not, cut your losses and move on. 

    image

  • It doesn't sound like you like her much. Maybe you're just incompatible all around.

    image

  • Any ideas of what she wants to do to contribute to the partnership or are you too busy telling her what she should be doing in the bedroom and around the house to ask?

    Look, maybe I'm just in a crappy mood, but you're coming across as a "nice guy". Not a nice person, but a dude who acts a certain way and thinks he deserves certain things in exchange. Thing is, the dude's decided what those things are, failed to communicate them or negotiate them and is perpetually frustrated that he's putting out (what he wants to), but no one's putting (what he wants) in. If you're not that guy you need the grace and maturity to decide with your partner what you both want from life and how you'll get there. Or move on to someone who's interested in the same things you are and will work toward goals in an equal partnership with you.

    image

    "The meek shall inherit the earth" isn't about children. It's about deer. We're all going to get messed the fuckup by a bunch of cloned super-deer.- samfish2bcrab

    Sometimes I wonder if scientists have never seen a sci-fi movie before. "Oh yes, let's create a super species of deer. NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG." I wonder if State Farm offers a Zombie Deer Attack policy. -CaliopeSpidrman
  • I agree.  The point of the anything I do for her is about the level of  how I feel and what extent I willing to do for her. I would love to see that energy excersise towards me and channeled into our sex as well. Her comfort with being against the things I want during sex concerns me.

     If she knows Iam unhappy, how does shes lives with that. It would eat me alive knowing that I am holding back on something that only requires my loving spirit and will to please her. Its just seems unfair I want what I put out in the world. The sexual nature in which we please each should grow along with this.

  • salimoosalimoo member
    image Al Boogie:

    I agree.  The point of the anything I do for her is about the level of  how I feel and what extent I willing to do for her. I would love to see that energy excersise towards me and channeled into our sex as well. Her comfort with being against the things I want during sex concerns me.

     If she knows Iam unhappy, how does shes lives with that. It would eat me alive knowing that I am holding back on something that only requires my loving spirit and will to please her. Its just seems unfair I want what I put out in the world. The sexual nature in which we please each should grow along with this.

    Dude. No one should be expected to learn to like anal or to get cool with putting your excrement-covered penis in their mouth. 

    No matter how many dresses you buy them.

    image

    Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
  • Some people just don't like certain things. For example, the idea of doing ATM is incredibly unsexy to me. I wouldn't do it if my husband wanted me to, and it wouldn't eat me alive to know that my loving spirit isn't interested in having fecal matter in my mouth. If she's not interested, if she won't go to therapy to talk about finding a middle ground that would be okay for you both, then move on.

    You sound like you want a housewife who will thank you for providing her a comfortable lifestyle with somewhat kinky sex. She sounds kind of like a boring freeloader who's only interested in boring sex. 

    image

  • No idea.  One thing for sure, she wants the freedom to do whatever she wants to do when she wants to do it and not feel confined to having to do something just because I do.

    In my opinion, she embraces all the benefits but does not want to live up to any responsibilites that may make her feel she has to do it, solely because i take on a responsibility to her.

    Like I said, I feel cheated.  But if u are suggesting that i be ok with what she cares to do sexually, yes we need theray.  I can not go thru a committed life to anyone who feels that way towards sex with me.  Not for what I put in.  I give her what  she needs and wants.  I just want the same thing.  cater to my needs and wants.  Thats all.

  • MotzieMotzie member
    Fifth Anniversary
    image noisy_penguin:

    Some people just don't like certain things. For example, the idea of doing ATM is incredibly unsexy to me. I wouldn't do it if my husband wanted me to, and it wouldn't eat me alive to know that my loving spirit isn't interested in having fecal matter in my mouth.

    Ugh, ditto. Unsexy isn't even the word. I'd be p!ssed at just the suggestion, god help the man that had the nerve to ask me a second time. I'd lose no sleep over that either.

    You don't sound compatible at all. Time to cut your losses.

  • Noooo, you are giving her what you want to give and expecting her to do what you want her to. And you have no idea how she wants to contribute to the relationship.

    Yes, we are suggesting you "be okay with what she cares to do sexually" because that's what any decent human being does in bed.

    image

    "The meek shall inherit the earth" isn't about children. It's about deer. We're all going to get messed the fuckup by a bunch of cloned super-deer.- samfish2bcrab

    Sometimes I wonder if scientists have never seen a sci-fi movie before. "Oh yes, let's create a super species of deer. NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG." I wonder if State Farm offers a Zombie Deer Attack policy. -CaliopeSpidrman
  • thats fine and can agree. My expectations may be to much and forcefull. but at the end of the day I am unhappy with our sexual relationship.  I dont know what to do anymore.  I would hate to lose her, but sexually I need to be compatable.  I cant settle with what she is offering.
  • Then go to couples therapy. I don't know WTF else you want us to tell you. You can't settle, she doesn't want shiit in her mouth. If she won't go, break up. There are women out there with your kinks. I'm sure some of them even have jobs and won't have to exchange dresses for sexual favors.

    image

  • Great point. For the most part the sex is boring and yes  Iam finally embracing the freeloader part.  Our personal connectionion is off the charts.  shes is a great friend with other good things that make the relationship worth wild. 

    i dont want a housewife, but to balance the roles in the relationship during this  time she can not share the expenses.

    We just need help.

  • Have you actually ever discussed your expectations of the relationship and hers for that matter? Has there been any discussion or decision making as far as what roles would be covered by whom in your partnership? If not, it's worth talking about before even going to counseling. What's the point of working on a relationship if both of you want completely different things from it?

    image

    "If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it. Don't be mad when you see a knit cap won it. If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it."- Fenton

  • The truth is, you right.  scared to hear the truth sometimes, but you are right.  Thank you.
  • Yes and no.  Every time we start to discuss things it get out of hand. What I do get out our talks is that she does not like or respect expectations. She wants to be  afree spirit. The last thing she wants is expectations. Only she makes the rules.  so what to whatever I do.  Its just her benefit and my loss.
  • So dump her.

    image

    "If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it. Don't be mad when you see a knit cap won it. If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it."- Fenton

  • Ugh.

    I am really bothered by the fact that you seem to have no respect for her boundaries. 

    It's simple: she owns her sexuality. She is not obligated to do things that she is uncomfortable with, no matter why you think you are entitled to them. Why would you want her to do things that might be painful, uncomfortable or disgusting to her, when she clearly doesn't want to do them? Would you feel good about yourself if she gave in and did something that was physically painful or completely revolting to her just to please you?

    If you can't live without these things, find someone who wants to do them. Stop acting like your girlfriend owes it to you. 

    image
  •  "If she knows Iam unhappy, how does shes lives with that. It would eat me alive knowing that I am holding back on something that only requires my loving spirit and will to please her. Its just seems unfair I want what I put out in the world. The sexual nature in which we please each should grow along with this."

     Your logic doesn't make any sense. What do you think you will be doing if you force her to put your $hit-covered d*ck in her mouth? Do you think she'll be happy? Isn't it within your power to keep her happy by respecting her boundaries? Shouldn't your "loving spirit and will to please her" cause you to want to drop your demands?

    Judging by the way you talk about her, it doesn't sound like you respect her very much, never mind like her. Being the breadwinner does not entitle you to ask for whatever you want for in bed. If my husband came home and suggested that I owed him anal sex and ATM (I had to Google that to find out what that even is) because he is the breadwinner, well, his stuff would be burning on the front lawn.

    Do yourself and her a favour and end this relationship. She deserves to be with someone who doesn't feel the need to rant on message boards about how she  doesn't want to have fecal matter in her mouth.

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