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Whining - I miss having a mother

Sorry I keep whining on here about the same old crap. I do go to therapy and feel like I'm making progress most of the time. I just get in moods, and I'm in one now.

Sigh - I don't want to go into everything. But I do not like my mother and don't want to talk to her. But I hate that I don't have a mom.

I'm unpacking the "easter joy" from DH's mom and a huge wave of sadness just hit me. I have no one who enjoys putting together nerdy baskets of peeps, cadbury eggs, and other traditional goodies just because they love me. I mean, DH does, of course. But it's not the same as your mom signing it from the easter bunny. 

Sorry and thanks for reading (assuming you did). 

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74 books read in 2011
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Re: Whining - I miss having a mother

  • Sorry, kat. It's tough, I know. (Well, ok, no I don't. I'm gonna be totally sexist and say it was easier for me to have a crap dad than for you to have a crap mom.)

    I think this is part of the healing process. You are past the denial phase, but you aren't quite to the acceptance phase. You'll get there, it just takes time.

    You are giving yourself the best shot possible to heal from this with therapy and the supportive people around you. It's still hard. You'll always have a little bit of grief from the loss of a normal mother relationship, but you'll just think of it less and less.  

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • Thanks zest. I don't know that one parent is easier, but I do admit my mom's been tough for me. I also got the crap dad (bio dad took off, never met him. step-dad, who's my dad for all intents and purposes, was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive.) Yet my mom is really hard to feel like I'm losing. Not my grandma, extended family, siblings, bio dad, step-dad, etc. combined. 

    It is getting easier with time, just not as easy as I had hoped by now. 1 year and 3 months and I still cry about once a month. Maybe I can chalk it up to PMS and the holiday perfect storm this time? 

    I always appreciate your insights. 

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    74 books read in 2011
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  • The first Christmas almost killed me. Not that we ever did anything more special for Xmas than any other family, but I got all weepy seeing the "it's the most wonderful time of the year" flyers. 

    I think parents are harder b/c you expect unconditional love from them. My sister didn't pick me, but my parents did. (Well, actually, they were just too dumb to use BC when they were first married, but that's just splitting hairs.)

    Have you read the Harriet Learner Dance Series? 

    http://www.amazon.com/gp/search/ref=sr_tc_2_0?rh=i%3Astripbooks%2Ck%3AHarriet+Lerner&keywords=Harriet+Lerner&ie=UTF8&qid=1303784734&sr=1-2-ent&field-contributor_id=B000AQ02TS

    The Dance of Intimacy is actually a great one regarding the mother daughter relationship. I was going to rec it before, but just forget.

     

     

    Hope is not a strategy.
  •  

    Try reading "Motherless Daughters"

    I've never read anything so spot on losing your mom and how itt changes your life as well as how it has changed others.

    My mom was killed by a DUI when I was 16 and I have a grown daughter of my own.  It still hurts.

  • Thanks both -- I will check out those books!!
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    74 books read in 2011
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  • Sorry kat, I can totally relate. I wish I could talk to my mother about myself and I wish she cared to listen, but unfortunately we don't have that relationship. She called for 3 seconds on easter to tell me how great of a day she had with all my siblings and their children/families and how everyone was so happy and then pretty much hung up. It's hard not to hear that I am missed. I know she would never say that, so I wasn't expecting it, but it doesn't make it any easier.

     

  • Motherless Daughters is geared towards people who's Moms have died.  So it might be helpful for you but I'm not sure its exactly what you're looking for.  I do think its totally normal and acceptable to grieve the fact that your Mom is not the Mom you hoped for and isn't there for you the way you'd like.  I'm glad your doing counseling and wonder if it would help to join a support group as well.
    image "...Saving just one pet won't change the world...but, surely, the world will change for that one pet..."
  • image katarczyna:

    It is getting easier with time, just not as easy as I had hoped by now. 1 year and 3 months and I still cry about once a month. Maybe I can chalk it up to PMS and the holiday perfect storm this time? 

    My mom will have been gone for 3 years this Thursday and I still have days where I can't help but cry. It's especially on days when I need advice or hit an important milestone or something and I can't talk to her. I've been through counseling which helped greatly but I'll always have those "gee, I really wish I had a mom" days.

    So, just know you're not crazy in crying over a year later :)  

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    "You might disagree but it ain't yo show." -Steve Harvey
  • Thanks ladies. It's somehow comforting to be reminded I'm not the only one who's going through this, at various stages. It doesn't make it easier, but it helps in a way.
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    74 books read in 2011
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  • I know exactly how you feel.  My mom is not the mom I need and want and I guess that I am not the daughter she needs and wants. 

    However, I have a wonderful MIL and she is one who gives me the mom advice that I need, she completes the holidays for me, she is a wonderful grandmother and a wonderful person in general.  I promise you that it won't ever end with you wishing that you had your own mom, but try to focus on what you do have in your MIL, not what you don't have in your own mom.  Also, remember that giving birth does not make you a mom.  Anyone can do that.  It was what you do after that is what counts.

  • I am sorry that things are on the outs with your mom, I am sure you miss her terribly. I do not know what all has taken place, but is there any chance that things can be minded with your Mother? Maybe you could ask her to attend a session with you? 
  • I'm sorry, Kat. FWIW, I think that what you're feeling is completely normal. Even though you know you made the right decision, that doesn't mean you're not going to have times when you wish things were different and that she could be the mom you need and deserve. Of course that would make you sad.

    Hang in there. You're doing the right thing by continuing with therapy and surrounding yourself with loving and supportive people. Good Luck.

     

  • Haven't seen your other posts if you are whining about the "same old crap" - I guess I don't comb through things thoroughly...but as someone who has been estranged *happily* from her parents for the last year, I understand everything you've said.  I miss having the mother that I should have had, that everyone should have.  I do not miss the woman who is my mother.

     

    Edited to add that my comment about being happily estranged isn't to say that I'm breezing through, I've struggled with anger, sadness and a myriad of other feelings...happy isn't always joyful.  I'm healing a bit at a time, and sometimes have to start from scratch again because of resentment and general "what makes me so unworthy in her eyes?"  Still, I've become (to others) stronger in areas of my life that I hadn't thought was affected by the type and depth of the relationship I had had with my mother, now that I'm absent my parents.  I am healthier, happier in the aspect that I'm not as polluted now as I was a year ago.  I'm free-er. 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image chavayjakov:

    Haven't seen your other posts if you are whining about the "same old crap" - I guess I don't comb through things thoroughly...but as someone who has been estranged *happily* from her parents for the last year, I understand everything you've said.  I miss having the mother that I should have had, that everyone should have.  I do not miss the woman who is my mother.

     

    Edited to add that my comment about being happily estranged isn't to say that I'm breezing through, I've struggled with anger, sadness and a myriad of other feelings...happy isn't always joyful.  I'm healing a bit at a time, and sometimes have to start from scratch again because of resentment and general "what makes me so unworthy in her eyes?"  Still, I've become (to others) stronger in areas of my life that I hadn't thought was affected by the type and depth of the relationship I had had with my mother, now that I'm absent my parents.  I am healthier, happier in the aspect that I'm not as polluted now as I was a year ago.  I'm free-er. 

    This is how I feel, too. I think I'm just in a mood, because I've been pretty down for the last week. I do know it's better overall, not being on her rollercoaster with all the ups and downs; the downs were more frequent. And my "downs" now are not nearly as severe. As a whole I'm happier and know it's better for me. 

     

    There is no chance of reconciling. I don't want to go into it too much - but she's a really terrible parent and I have too much hurt, anger, and resentment. She's got issues and she does not accept that I'm hurt and she can't give me the apology or acknowledgment I need to attempt to reconcile.

     

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    74 books read in 2011
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  • image chavayjakov:

    Haven't seen your other posts if you are whining about the "same old crap" - I guess I don't comb through things thoroughly...but as someone who has been estranged *happily* from her parents for the last year, I understand everything you've said.  I miss having the mother that I should have had, that everyone should have.  I do not miss the woman who is my mother.

     

    This exactly. 

    OP you may want to look into a therapy tool called radical forgiveness. I was in the denial phase of terminating my relationship with my mom and did this exercise. I was really able to let go of my part AND her part. I'm not mad, resentful, angry, just grateful that I survived and that today I have a choice to surround myself with good people, places and things. I've let it go. She and I will never have a relationship and that's what is best.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image ootmother2:

     

    Try reading "Motherless Daughters"

    I've never read anything so spot on losing your mom and how itt changes your life as well as how it has changed others.

    My mom was killed by a DUI when I was 16 and I have a grown daughter of my own.  It still hurts.

     

    I think I will check out this book next time I go to the store.  My mom passed when I was 6 from cancer and it's been 19 years this month.  I'm now an oncology/hematology nurse and broke into tears at work Sunday when a patients wife told me I was doing wonderful work in her honor. 

  • I got tired of being the only one to make an effort and pretty much just quit trying with my mom, which has resulted in rare contact.  My childhood was fine, my mom was always supportive as a young adult and with my marriage and kids. We became extremely close as she and my dad divorced (and I became closer to my dad as well) and shared a friendship as well. But she has become self centered and bitter and self entitled. She lives 5 minutes away and sees the kids only on holidays. I've stood by and supported her like a friend and daughter through her divorce, my grandmother's sickness and death, her beginning to date and having a relationship and more. We helped her for years with home maintenance, car problems, emotional needs and anything else that came up. My brothers live out of state and my local sister is consumed with her own problems. All of my efforts mean nothing because she has turned on me as if I was the problem one too many times and I finally said enough. Knowing how close we were makes it hurt even more. It sucks. But I can't get passed the fact that there was no one defining event that caused this and she has no idea or obvious desire to even ask what happened. I know, because I finally said enough to myself and quit. But I have to wonder what she thinks happened and why the helll it's not worth the effort on her behalf to find out? 
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  • I am a total lurker and newbie [yay]. I had to reply because I seriously could have written what you just wrote. After my Dad and Mom got divorced [about 7yrs ago] my mother completely changed. Her personality, attitude... everything completely went the opposite way. I ended my relationship with her because whenever I would talk to her, we could never just have mother-daughter talks. It was always about how much she hates my father and if I didn't agree with her she would turn against me until I would 'give in', not to mention the nasty things she said to me, which led me to end my relationship with her.

    Anyways long story short, it's been 4yrs since I have seen or talked to my mother and I get those moments of sadness. Like whenever my husbands mother comes to visit and I see how much she loves our son [her grandson] and the bond they have.... it's moments like those I stand there and wish I had a mom, my own mom, to enjoy those moments with. I also mention these things to my husband and he always reminds me that his family loves me as if I were one of their own but your right, it's still not the same as having your own mom there.

    I don't know if it ever gets easier, for me, compared to the first year of not having her around, it has gotten a bit better, but I still have those moments. Random moments when it just hits you.  

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