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How would you take this?

DH and I have been talking about starting a family.  DH told his dad, who was very supportive.  When DH told his mom she stated "Well just make sure this is really what you want to do because I see plenty of these cases come through my office" (she works in a law firm).

I know that MIL is not my biggest fan.  Our personalities just don't match.  We've never fought or anything but we are certainly not close.  I also think my MIL thinks we got married too quickly (timewise, not maturity or relationship integrity wise).

I took this to mean that she thinks DH and I may eventually get a divorce.  I was upset when DH told me what she said but have since not brought it up again as there really is no point.  I was just wondering if anyone else has any differing opinion as to what this statement could have meant.  I am really trying to think of other things that it could have meant that would not be so hurtful.  Any ideas?

Re: How would you take this?

  • I think it was a crappy thing for her to say.  I am not sure bringing it up would help.  I wish I had a better answer for you.
  • She meant she thought you two would divorce sooner or later. That was a crappy thing for her to say.

    That said, odds are even that you could in fact be divorced one day. She's cynical because of her work situation and the general odds on marriage lasting these days. Ignore her, and continue to have a happy and successful marriage; it's your best and only comeback.

     

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  • She is just a ***, ignore and ttc with your hubby.
    Anniversary
  • That's a very stiff and cold remark.  I wouldn't be quick to share happy news next time.  Like when (and if) you & DH find out the gender of the baby, plan for the nursery/registry, all the 'baby stuff' etc, if MIL says something surprised why she wasn't 'clued-in', DH should reply something like, "Are you going to take me to court?"  LOL.

    But in all seriousness, I would share your experiences with people who are supportive and will share in your happiness, not those who bring you down - related or not.

  • Your dh could have kept this to himself, too. No reason to share this.
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  • Now, why in the world would your DH tell you that?!
    image
  • No question, she was being a b!tch and insinuating that you will get divorced.

    I'd be more concerned about your H's reaction to her.  Where you there when this happened or did he tell you?  How did he respond to her?

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  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    Now, why in the world would your DH tell you that?!

    Because he's a male and sometimes males don't think to filter crap like that (just like when DH told me about his Mom pulling him aside in the hospital to say "are you SURE she should be eating all of that?" after I had my c/s). They want to get it off their chests, but don't realize the upset it may cause.

    OP, I'd let the comment go, you already know she's not your #1 fan--who cares? The best revenge is making sure your marriage is rock solid and that you two are happy, let her be the bitter old biddy.

  • *banging shoe on table*

    Stop marrying stupid men, ladies!

    image
  • image Sue_sue:

    She's cynical because of her work situation and the general odds on marriage lasting these days. Ignore her, and continue to have a happy and successful marriage; it's your best and only comeback.

     

    That actually helps.  I will try to remember that maybe she is just jaded because of her job.  Only time will show her that I'm here to stay.

  • image Belichick:

    I'd be more concerned about your H's reaction to her.  Where you there when this happened or did he tell you?  How did he respond to her?

    I wasn't there when this happened.  DH didn't seem to have given it much thought.  This is how mine and DH's conversation went:

    DH: I told my parents we were TTTC

    Me: Oh, what did they say

    DH: Dad said he was happy for us.  My mom just said to "make sure we knew what we were doing"

    Me: What, does your mom think we don't know how to handle babies?

    DH: No, she just said that "she sees alot of these cases come through her office so make sure it's what you really want"

    Me: Seriously, you didn't take that as an insult?!

    DH: No, I really didn't give it much thought.

    Me: She insinuated that someday we'd be in her office fighting for custody because we would someday get a divorce.

    DH: Really?!

    I don't know how DH does it but he honestly doesn't notice alot of things. 

  • What cases? Custody? Support cases?

    If so, lovely sentiment to your son as he begins considers fatherhood.  She's not wrong. It's a bit cold, but maybe her work makes her cynical about entering such a big stage of life. And maybe it's not bad to consider, really consider that it could go horribly wrong and land you in a law office. It's a shame it was her first reaction, but that's not on you, its on her ... and her cold, cynical perspective on life. It's also a little condescending and superior. Which doesn't reflect well on her. It also puts a HUGE wedge between her and her son, at a moment where they could have been a little closer.

    If you think she's insinuating that he should consider it more because he married you, I doubt it. These personaility types are cynical and superior no matter who they are lording it over. And frankly, at this point, since he's married and an adult and all that - it's as much a slam against her son as you.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • I know this because I am 51, do a lot of divorce and family work and have for decades, and am pretty jaded and cynical about marriage because of it. I would hope that I am nice enough not to shitt all over other people's happy news, however, despite my experiences.

     

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • 1. It was a crappy thing to say. Ignore her.

    2. Your DH needs to start using his brain so when she says things like that he can say "Mom, that is a terrible thing to say. Please do not make that type of comment to me again."

    3. Your DH should not have told you about the comment.

  • I agree with everyone that said he shouldn't have passed that little tidbit along to you.

    When my mom makes the random crack about me or my H, I tell her to zip it and don't mention it to him. Why transfer the stress from my relationship with my mom to the person I love most?  

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • Was is crappy?  Sure.  But are you really all the surprised?  It doesn't sound like she has much of a filter based on all the other stuff you know she has said.  And maybe it's about your relationship, or maybe it's (like Sue_sue said) just her cynicism based on her job. 

    Take away her power and just roll your eyes about her.  I'm not excusing her, but really.... I don't think you should be all that shocked at what she said.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • It was a jacka$$ thing to say for sure.    But really she's right.   Not about you and your DH specifically, but she sees these things every day and sees that children complicate divorces.   

    So, I'd just chalk it up to her being a jaded attorney without a filter.    And also take it with a grain of salt because she obviously wouldn't be seeing the happy marriages with wonderful children, only the crappy ones that come through her firm.

     

     

  • I do NOT understand people who announce they are going to start having unprotected sex. I find it odd. Next time keep your business to yourself, then you won't have to hear anyone's opinion.

    I'm sure working in a law firm has jaded your MIL, but still doesn't give her a free pass to be rude. Your DH was not winning any battles bringing it to your attention. It caused ill feelings, and perhaps after seeing it was hurtful he will learn to filter in the future. Your MIL doesn't have a filter.

    Don't let this rain on your baby making parade.

  • image FMIL&MOB:

    I do NOT understand people who announce they are going to start having unprotected sex. I find it odd. Next time keep your business to yourself, then you won't have to hear anyone's opinion.

    I'm sure working in a law firm has jaded your MIL, but still doesn't give her a free pass to be rude. Your DH was not winning any battles bringing it to your attention. It caused ill feelings, and perhaps after seeing it was hurtful he will learn to filter in the future. Your MIL doesn't have a filter.

    Don't let this rain on your baby making parade.

    I agree with this.  Your DH is sharing too much of your personal information with his parents.  I have no idea what your MIL's intent was, but I think you are wasting too much time trying to figure out how insulting she intended to be.  You are letting her live in your head too much and it will only make you unhappy.  Chalk it up to a rude comment and ignore her.  I'm thinking your DH inherited his lack of a filter from his mom.

  • image FMIL&MOB:

    I do NOT understand people who announce they are going to start having unprotected sex. I find it odd. Next time keep your business to yourself, then you won't have to hear anyone's opinion.

    I'm sure working in a law firm has jaded your MIL, but still doesn't give her a free pass to be rude. Your DH was not winning any battles bringing it to your attention. It caused ill feelings, and perhaps after seeing it was hurtful he will learn to filter in the future. Your MIL doesn't have a filter.

    Don't let this rain on your baby making parade.

    Agreed. My SIL actually put it the best way, she said that in June she might have a wonderful surprise for us when she visits. The way she phrased it said that there is a chance she is pg this very second and might be showing by the time she visits, which I liked much better than her saying we have been or are TTC. Details like that should be kept very privately.

     Working in law give you a very jaded sense of the world. I have an uncle that works in business related law, and it has left him with an image of the corporate world being full of nothing but crooks, thieves, and fools. Whenever I bring up a company, it doesn't matter which one, he always has the most negative thing to say about them. Her pessimistic colored glasses have left her to think that even the greatest, long lasting marriages end up in divorce. I don't think she actually thinks anything that negative about you or your marriage, more of an overall negative view of all people and all marriages.


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  • image FMIL&MOB:

    I do NOT understand people who announce they are going to start having unprotected sex. I find it odd. Next time keep your business to yourself, then you won't have to hear anyone's opinion.

    I totally agree!!!  Why would I want to know this?  When you start sharing such personal and private information, you open the door to all kinds of reactions.  That doesn't excuse your MIL, but I also agree that she is jaded.

  • I have to ask - when she said this, what did your DH interpret this phrasing to mean exactly?  Not what your worst guess would be, but his knowing his mother better than you...how did he interpret it to mean?

    And if he interpreted it to mean anything truly negative about you why in the world would he feed that back to you?  

    You'd do well doing three things.  First, truly ask what he took the meaning to be - and then second, tell him that if something odd like that comes up again in any type of context that he/you is to not challenge her, but rather, have her give definition to her responses so that there is nothing left open for misunderstanding, interpretation, et cetera.  Then you or he can address the specific item/trespass.

    Third, *if* you handle yourself well in potentially emotionally charged conversations, you - not your DH - need to have a talk with MIL using this instance as a conversation opener.  Remember, the more emotional you are (raised voice, pleading or argumentative) the more credence you  give her potential position.  Stick to things like "I feel X when you say/do Y."  And figure out your relationship with her now *before* you have her grandchildren.

    Now, if she's in a law firm and thinks that you two were married without having a lot of knowledge about one another, or invested time in building a base for a relationship, then even if you don't agree, you can see a point where she'd want you to have that part established before bringing someone else into your little unit.  It isn't so much that she thinks that you might get divorce, but as much of a blessing as kids can be, they do also add an element of stress to a relationship.  If the relationship has some time and experience under it's belt, it necessarily then is stronger, and will provide a stronger unit for a child - it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with divorce, just that she sees probably the sad result for kids and the parents when sometimes time would have made a huge difference.  My own parents were in this predicament, they didn't divorce, but it was hell growing up in that household and my brother and I often wished that our parents would divorce.  My husband and I married within a year of seeing one another - and I had toddlers at the time from a previous marriage.  With our marriage, he immediately adopted our kids.  Everyone (both sides of the family) felt that we moved too quickly - but the maturity and integrity was solid, as were out goals, common morals, et cetera.  Still, there were transition periods in our marriage that were more difficult on the kids.  In our case, since the kids were already there, there were going to be transition hurdles no matter what we did.  We didn't have the luxury of getting through those types of things without little ones, and often I wish we had had that luxury.  Still - nearly 18 years of marriage later, our biggest hurdle as a family turned out to be my own parents (shocker) and I think even then, with a little more experience under my belt, I would have been able to avoid that as well.

    Which is why I suggest you approaching your MIL on what you perceive is a shallow relationship between the two of you. 

    This doesn't *have* to settle badly with you unless you want it to settle badly.  Think strategically, set up some communication rules for you and your husband to abide (as I mentioned) and then open up with you MIL.  Hear what she has to say without receiving it emotionally or personally (she's a lawyer, she's looking at things statistically...she's also a mother who would like her son (and you) not to have to reinvent the wheel when it comes to giving you guys what seems like a safer base from which to operate.  You'll feel the same way when you are a mother, and, you'll learn that your kid doesn't always agree or want that safer base and has their own platform they understand is just as sturdy.

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  • image FMIL&MOB:

    I do NOT understand people who announce they are going to start having unprotected sex. I find it odd. Next time keep your business to yourself, then you won't have to hear anyone's opinion.

    It's not so much saying "hey we are going to start having unprotected sex" rather it's wanting to share an important life decision one has made with those you love.  I don't find that odd at all.

  • image kellbell814:

    DH and I have been talking about starting a family.  DH told his dad, who was very supportive.  When DH told his mom she stated "Well just make sure this is really what you want to do because I see plenty of these cases come through my office" (she works in a law firm).

    I know that MIL is not my biggest fan.  Our personalities just don't match.  We've never fought or anything but we are certainly not close.  I also think my MIL thinks we got married too quickly (timewise, not maturity or relationship integrity wise).

    I took this to mean that she thinks DH and I may eventually get a divorce.  I was upset when DH told me what she said but have since not brought it up again as there really is no point.  I was just wondering if anyone else has any differing opinion as to what this statement could have meant.  I am really trying to think of other things that it could have meant that would not be so hurtful.  Any ideas?

    I think our life & work experience does play a large part in our response to others, especially those we love the most.  When you have a child, you will have a full grasp of all the responsiblity of raising that child, including when they ask for your advice & counsel as adults. I don't think she was even referring to you specifically.  She was definitely letting her son know that a child is a lifetime committment and because of her work, she has seen much heartbreak and invaribly through custody & divorce cases. 

    "Make Sure before you have Babies" is how I would take it.  Good advice, actually as the most important thing you can provide for children is a solid marriage and good home.  And that is sound advice.  Don't make it more than speaking to her son in a way that she would counsel anyone before a major life changing decision. 

    Your husband should not tell you these comments if you decide to "take it" very sensitively and project it that she doesn't like you or thinks you will divorce.

    Let it go.And have a solid marriage that raises good children.

  • image kellbell814:
    image FMIL&MOB:

    I do NOT understand people who announce they are going to start having unprotected sex. I find it odd. Next time keep your business to yourself, then you won't have to hear anyone's opinion.

    It's not so much saying "hey we are going to start having unprotected sex" rather it's wanting to share an important life decision one has made with those you love.  I don't find that odd at all.

    I agree.  I don't understand people who think of sex upon being told someone is trying for a baby.  Seriously, it's about thinking about having children, not the couple's sex life.  Prudish, much?  Yes, sex and pregnancy are obviously related. But I doubt that the first thing they think when they hear that a friend just gave birth is "Ugh, thanks a lot for telling me you had sex nine months ago!  TMI!!!"

  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    I agree that your MIL is completely rude but...

    When DD started kindergarten, I was shocked, SHOCKED at how many kids in her K class had parents who were already divorced (not going through the process, the divorce had been finalized for a year, two years).  I know couples divorce, but the timeline just struck me as odd.  How can you go from wanting to have a baby together on one day, and within 2-3 years your marriage is over? 

    And most of these kids were first/only children, so it's not as if the couples had this long history of being together, and after 10 years when the last kid came along, they realized the marriage had run its course.

     

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
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