October 2009 Weddings
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Going passive aggressive on my MIL

Oh man, I've turned into that daughter in law.  the passive aggressive one.  Kristina - I am going to borrow your Karate chopping stress relief coping mechanism if that is ok.  My ILs mean well but I seriously am about ready to go postal on their butts and if DH knows what is best for him, he'll stage an intervention before I get to them.  It'll go better that way.

ILs have been all about grandbabies since before DH and I were married.  I'm talking serious pressure.  At first I ignored, but they didn't stop, Then we said "when there is something to tell, you'll be the first to know" and it hasn't stopped so I've had to resort to getting passive aggressive about it and I hate it.  I don't like to be like that but I don't know what else to do. 

Today, I posted on facebook about how I was having mixed feelings about our tax checks clearing the bank.  On one hand, I was thrilled we got them paid (we owed a number more than 1 with some extra zeros after it) but on the other, it basically wiped out ALL of our money.  A family friend was joking about how we needed a new CPA and I was joking back about how I needed to get a lower tax bracket.  MIL chimes in about how she knows a fantastic way to get a new tax credit.  I thought about deleting it - but I decided to respond by saying "yep - make more charitable contributions".  I know darn well what she meant and I really wish she would stop. The digs coming from her about us not having kids yet are so blatantly obvious that my own mother has even noticed them and said something to me about it.  For goodness sake, we just had to wipe out our entire savings account last week - now is NOT the time to be having a kid!!

I can't delete her without causing drama.  I can't reduce what she sees on my profile without causing drama.  I have no good way of dealing with her.  I'm trying very hard to let it roll but it annoys the heck out of me.  For all she knows, we're having infertility issues.  And to top it all off, we're spending Easter with DH's Grandparents who, believe it or not, are even MORE blatant about their expectations regarding the immediate occupancy of my uterus.  And they wonder why we don't spend much time with them? 

OK, vent over.  

Re: Going passive aggressive on my MIL

  • "We're not going to have children." 

    Would they have heart attacks if you gave that response?  Maybe it's a bit of a fib, but maybe they'll back off a smidge?

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  • I'm so sorry you are dealing with this! Unfortunately, if/when you do have children it just immediately turns to "when is the next one coming?!" Why do people think they have a right to talk about this stuff just because you are married?

    Your DH needs to say something. We had it out with some of DH's family shortly before we actually got pregnant because of things like you are talking about. I would strongly encourage you to talk to him about talking to his mom. Like you said, for all she knows you two could be having fertility issues that you aren't comfortable discussing with them...I can't imagine how difficult it would be to hear comments like hers if that was the case.

    I actually used to joke with one of my friends about when she was going to have a baby, but I later found out that she and her husband were trying and were having some trouble. They were successful via IVF (and have a wonderful little girl that I adore), but it really helped put things in perspective for me and I don't say anything to anyone about baby-making anymore!

    And, for the record, Liam didn't give us that much of a tax credit. Maybe we make too much, but we still owed. You can use that if your MIL decides to continue with that line of reasoning. And actually, the same thing happened to a friend of mine - she has a son and a house and still owed...so it might not have helped you guys all that much!

  • image munkii:

    "We're not going to have children." 

    Would they have heart attacks if you gave that response?  Maybe it's a bit of a fib, but maybe they'll back off a smidge?

    I'm lucky that my brother just had a baby to aleviate pressure AND both my parents and DH's are pretty good about not talking about grandbabies in front of us (although I do hear through the grapevine how much they talk about it away from us).  But believe me... if I was getting pressure from them, I WOULD be telling them we weren't having children.  Good luck on figuring out a way to deal with it. 

    And, I feel your pain with taxes (one of the joys of self-employment, huh?).  We drained our savings this week becuase of bad estimates of how much we'd owe for this year and because we realized a huge mistake and ammended DH's 2008 taxes (adding a $400 penalty on top of several thousand dollars for being honest really made me hate our government for a while). 

  • Oh how I wish there were others to distract but alas, DH is an only child.  I don't think we can say "not having kids" because we've talked about our future children in the abstract before so they'd know something was up. 

    I think I'm just going to have a good talk with DH about how much it really bothers me and have him really have a heart to heart with his Mom about it.  It is hard because I know it comes from a place of love and excitement but for goodness sake, the state of my ovaries and uterus are nobody's business but mine (and DH in this case).  DH knows it bugs me but I don't know that he realizes that I'm at the boiling point with it.

  • image wittyschaffy:

    Oh how I wish there were others to distract but alas, DH is an only child.  I don't think we can say "not having kids" because we've talked about our future children in the abstract before so they'd know something was up. 

    I think I'm just going to have a good talk with DH about how much it really bothers me and have him really have a heart to heart with his Mom about it.  It is hard because I know it comes from a place of love and excitement but for goodness sake, the state of my ovaries and uterus are nobody's business but mine (and DH in this case).  DH knows it bugs me but I don't know that he realizes that I'm at the boiling point with it.

    It will definitely be good to talk to DH about it!  I hope he's receptive and has some ideas of how to address it with his family. 

  • image wittyschaffy:

    MIL chimes in about how she knows a fantastic way to get a new tax credit. 

    Wow, I would have said something like "yeah, because a tax credit is the best reason to bring a new life into the world."  Geez, what a nut!  I've been wondering (to myself) why DH and I haven't gotten more "nudges" about kids but I know this is much worse! 

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  • DH and I closed on our mortgage re-fi today so we went to lunch afterwards and I talked to him.  As I suspected, he knew it bugged me but didn't realize HOW much it bugged me.  I laid out my reasons for why it bothered me and after hearing me out, agreed that it has gone way too far.  He agreed to talk to his folks this week which will hopefully put an end to it.  If it doesn't, I will be blocking people on facebook and if it gets brought up in person, it'll be the end of the conversation.
  • I'm totally late on this, but I have to chime in on our experiences w/ this.

    I'm the oldest of 3 and both my younger bro & my sis have kids.  My baby sister was the first to get married, first to have kids.  She is now 26 w/ 3 kids.  My bro was second to get married, and they have a 2 year old boy.  H is the younger between him & his bro and his bro also has 3 kids.

    When we first started dating, H & I both asked each other within the first week whether the other one wanted kids.  Both of us had a resounding NO.  Neither of us has ever been interested in having kids and we've never made that a secret.  We've been together over 4 years now and between his mom & dad and my mom, we STILL get comments on when we are having kids, why we don't want them, etc.  It never stops, trust me.  I have gone off on all three of the parents that don't seem to want to accept the fact that we aren't having kids.  My dad is the ONLY one that doesn't bring it up b/c he knows we aren't ones to make a decision lightly.  He makes it very clear that he supports our decision and understands and agrees why we don't them.  Yet even though I'm more than old enough (I turn 32 in Oct this year) to make an educated decision on having kids, I still have to deal with the comments from the other 3 parents.  I get so tired of hearing from H's dad "just wait until you clock starts ticking"; I tell him all the time its done tocked.  hehe  I've had reproductive issues since I was 16 (and ultimately ended up getting cervical cancer when I was only 22) and even though my decision has never changed since I was growing up, telling them that even IF we wanted kids, there's a good chance I couldn't anyway still does nothing.

    I can relate your being frustrated, upset, and sick of hearing the comments.  Whether or not you do decide to have children is no one's business, yet I find it amazing that so many family members think they have a right to give their opinions on the status of your uterus.  This is one reason why I have such a hard time being either H's parents or my mom b/c they always try to slip in little jabs here & there and its so annoying.

    Hugs!!

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  • Karate chopping is a great stress reliever.... Wink  My MIL said something about us having a baby once right after I had surgery (uterus related surgery) and I was so furious with her I gave her the major stank eye. Like hello...I just had surgery and am still recovering and you want to talk about a baby?  Shut up... 

    I said something along the lines of "When we decide to have children well into our late 30's"....  Are we waiting until our late 30s?  No....  has she mentioned children since?  NOPE! 

    Now go karate chop something....even making the movement and saying "HIIII YAH!" helps me... Stick out tongue

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