Seattle Nesties
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

I need to mind my own business, right? (long)

I've been friends with R for about 12 years. We've never been BFF, but I see her about once a month for HH or brunch and she's someone that I really adore and admire. Even though we aren't BFF I feel like I can talk to her about serious things and we've come to each other for advice before. R has always been an overachiever (in a good way) and very motivated.

R has been dating J for about 5 years. J is not an overachiever or motivated. I get that it works for them though. J has been unemployed for about 6 months, has his GED and does not want to go back to school. J has forgotten to file for unemployment multiple times while he has been employed and has told R that he just wants to be at home and watch TV. IMO J is basically freeloading off of R. Essentially they are a single income household with no kids. J does not help pay R's mortgage or bills, but lives in her house.

This past year R had some medical issues and had to take leave from work for a few months. She feels that since she was able to take leave for a few months this year R should be able to too. (R was getting disability pay while on leave while J is not consistently getting unemployment.)

I am getting seriously concerned for R as I suspect she's in the beginning stages of an eating disorder, she's told me that she's racked up some CC debt because her and J can't keep up with her bills since she was on leave and he wasn't working and she's just not the same vibrant R that she used to be. Some of this is due to her medical issue though.

I really feel like R is selling herself short by being with J, but it's not my business to say anything right? What can I do (if anything) to help R?

WWYD? 

Re: I need to mind my own business, right? (long)

  • Oh, this is a tricky one. To me, this is a conversation to have if the opportunity presents itself to you. Like say R brings up the fact at lunch one day that J is starting to get on her nerves that he is unemployed, you can start saying some things about how you are concerned. Since you say you aren't BFF's, I see where you are coming from not being able to just blurt out how you feel. So maybe this is a wait and see even though this even kills me just reading your post. So sorry to hear she is losing herself in this relationship! Kick the loser girl!
  • that's tough...i would drop hints, but i would not go right out and say it that she's in an unblanced relationship. does he at least clean up the house, cook dinner, etc? maybe if work, school, or something comes up in conversation you can ask "hey, is J planning on going back to school/work at all? what are his plans?"....

    FWIW, i once put my nose in a toxic relationship and i got shut out of it. my ex-bff ended up distancing herself from me and eventually we became kinda frenemies...and we didn't talk for about 4 years. when she finally realized the toxicity of her relationship, they eventually broke up, and she wants to be friends again...but it's tough.

    ♥ bfp2 02/15/2012 ♥ edd 10/23/2013 ♥
    ♥ bfp1 06/14/2011 ♥ edd 02/22/2012 ♥
    ♥ baby jennlin born on 02/15/2012 ♥

    image
    who says you can only wear your wedding dress once?

    honeymoon biomarried bioplanning bio
    jumped ship to the new and improved nest. back to TB for baby boards.
  • I think you should say something worded carefully, but still be pretty honest. It's a tough situation, but as someone who watched a friend ruin her marriage and biting my tongue until the very end, it's better to say something earlier on before it's irreparable, or much much more painful to fix.

    You might lose a friend, and it might not help immediately that you said anything, but it might help long term, and if you figure (even if the friendship falls apart) that you'll be there for her when she needs it later, it should be good? If that makes sense?

    image Lilypie Maternity tickers
  • image dreamwinds:

    I think you should say something worded carefully, but still be pretty honest. It's a tough situation, but as someone who watched a friend ruin her marriage and biting my tongue until the very end, it's better to say something earlier on before it's irreparable, or much much more painful to fix.

    You might lose a friend, and it might not help immediately that you said anything, but it might help long term, and if you figure (even if the friendship falls apart) that you'll be there for her when she needs it later, it should be good? If that makes sense?

    That totally makes sense. I guess I'll have to find a time to do this. 

    image jennlin:

    that's tough...i would drop hints, but i would not go right out and say it that she's in an unblanced relationship. does he at least clean up the house, cook dinner, etc?

    nope. 

    image jennlin:

    if work, school, or something comes up in conversation you can ask "hey, is J planning on going back to school/work at all? what are his plans?"....

    I ask her this every time I see her and she always says that she's waiting for him to make a decision about work/school. She's literally applied to jobs and programs for him, but he won't follow up. 
  • image jennlin:

    FWIW, i once put my nose in a toxic relationship and i got shut out of it. my ex-bff ended up distancing herself from me and eventually we became kinda frenemies...and we didn't talk for about 4 years. when she finally realized the toxicity of her relationship, they eventually broke up, and she wants to be friends again...but it's tough.

    I don't think this is a bad warning for you husky - this is saying, if you're in it for the long haul, do something about it.  If she ever comes to her senses, even if she shut you out in the mean time, she'll come back one day.  It's almost like: would you rather have the shadow of a friend now or a healthy person as a friend later?  If it were me, I would be willing to let her hate me if it helped her start the process of becoming healthy again (emotional, physical etc).

  • This part raises a red flag:  
    "This past year R had some medical issues and had to take leave from work for a few months. She feels that since she was able to take leave for a few months this year R should be able to too. (R was getting disability pay while on leave while J is not consistently getting unemployment.)"

    I assume it means R feels J should be able to have time off b/c she did, right?  She had time off to tend to medical needs and recover.  That's not a vacation; it's necessary for her health and well-being.  He has had time off to look for a job (which he isn't doing) and she wants him to have more time of for... what? a break from all that hard work?  She isn't valuing herself.  If their relationship was working -- was balanced (not in terms of income) and based on respect for each other -- then she would see the imbalance.  I don't know what you should do, but i think your gut is right that something needs to happen.
    Maybe just tell her you're worried: it must be so stressful to have all this medical stuff along with the debt she mentioned... i hope j is taking good care of you -- you deserve it!... if you need to talk, i'm here for you... etc.  
    EDD 9/24/13 BabyFetus Ticker
    Best sound ever: baby's heartbeat! (Heard @ 10w1d)
  • image amandasw:
    image jennlin:

    FWIW, i once put my nose in a toxic relationship and i got shut out of it. my ex-bff ended up distancing herself from me and eventually we became kinda frenemies...and we didn't talk for about 4 years. when she finally realized the toxicity of her relationship, they eventually broke up, and she wants to be friends again...but it's tough.

    I don't think this is a bad warning for you husky - this is saying, if you're in it for the long haul, do something about it.  If she ever comes to her senses, even if she shut you out in the mean time, she'll come back one day.  It's almost like: would you rather have the shadow of a friend now or a healthy person as a friend later?  If it were me, I would be willing to let her hate me if it helped her start the process of becoming healthy again (emotional, physical etc).

    So, I've lost 2 long time BFFs because I stuck my nose in their business 

    Friend A: married a total moochy loser and I even stepped down from being her MOH because I couldn't watch this train wreck. 

    Friend B: married someone who abused her. Yeah. She asked me not to be her MOH any more because I wouldn't support her marriage.

    I guess you could say I'm a little scared to lose friend 3. 

  • image CDMay2006:
    Maybe just tell her you're worried: it must be so stressful to have all this medical stuff along with the debt she mentioned... i hope j is taking good care of you -- you deserve it!... if you need to talk, i'm here for you... etc.  

    I like this idea. Thanks!

  • image uwhuskygirl:
    I ask her this every time I see her and she always says that she's waiting for him to make a decision about work/school. She's literally applied to jobs and programs for him, but he won't follow up. 

    that's frustrating. ask her if she's going to give him a timeline.

    ♥ bfp2 02/15/2012 ♥ edd 10/23/2013 ♥
    ♥ bfp1 06/14/2011 ♥ edd 02/22/2012 ♥
    ♥ baby jennlin born on 02/15/2012 ♥

    image
    who says you can only wear your wedding dress once?

    honeymoon biomarried bioplanning bio
    jumped ship to the new and improved nest. back to TB for baby boards.
  • image uwhuskygirl:
    image amandasw:
    image jennlin:

    FWIW, i once put my nose in a toxic relationship and i got shut out of it. my ex-bff ended up distancing herself from me and eventually we became kinda frenemies...and we didn't talk for about 4 years. when she finally realized the toxicity of her relationship, they eventually broke up, and she wants to be friends again...but it's tough.

    I don't think this is a bad warning for you husky - this is saying, if you're in it for the long haul, do something about it.  If she ever comes to her senses, even if she shut you out in the mean time, she'll come back one day.  It's almost like: would you rather have the shadow of a friend now or a healthy person as a friend later?  If it were me, I would be willing to let her hate me if it helped her start the process of becoming healthy again (emotional, physical etc).

    So, I've lost 2 long time BFFs because I stuck my nose in their business 

    Friend A: married a total moochy loser and I even stepped down from being her MOH because I couldn't watch this train wreck. 

    Friend B: married someone who abused her. Yeah. She asked me not to be her MOH any more because I wouldn't support her marriage.

    I guess you could say I'm a little scared to lose friend 3. 

    that's tough.  I can't speak from experience, but part of me would rather they know how I feel so I can at least say I tried.  Do you have any mutual friends who are also concerned?  I can understand that staying friends and not saying anything can allow you to support her, but what she really needs is probably counseling.  You could approach it from that standpoint maybe, just focus on her and tell her that maybe talking to someone would help her stress etc... and maybe the relationship issues will come to the surface.

  • image amandasw:

    that's tough.  I can't speak from experience, but part of me would rather they know how I feel so I can at least say I tried.  Do you have any mutual friends who are also concerned?  I can understand that staying friends and not saying anything can allow you to support her, but what she really needs is probably counseling.  You could approach it from that standpoint maybe, just focus on her and tell her that maybe talking to someone would help her stress etc... and maybe the relationship issues will come to the surface.

    You're right. I really should say something. I'd rather try and fail then not try at all. 

    Unfortunately we don't have any mutual friends, but I'll work up the ballz to say something to her next time we go out. 

  • image uwhuskygirl:

    You're right. I really should say something. I'd rather try and fail then not try at all. 

    Unfortunately we don't have any mutual friends, but I'll work up the ballz to say something to her next time we go out. 

    I agree.  The prospect of possibly losing friend #3 is scary, BUT at the very least, even if *** goes down and she distances herself from you, down the road if/when she starts to wonder if he is a mooch, you having the discussion with her will help her answer that rather than wonder "Maybe I'm just being hard on him - no one else has ever brought up anything about him regarding these issues."  Plus, if you're lucky, another good friend of hers has already brought up these concerns and you bringing it up just helps to add some reinforcement to the concerns.

    image
    Family fall photo session with Ashley Hoyle Photography
    Married 7/10/10
    Wedding Planning Bio - Updated 6/13/2010
    <a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="D
  • I would definitely say something.  Definitely.

    While I was dating / engaged to my ex - I was waiting for someone, anyone, to say they had concerns about my relationship.  Anyone.  I knew there were problems in our relationship but I thought maybe it was just me overanalyzing things like I tend to do.  Back then I didn't have much self confidence, and on paper he was such.a.great.guy - that I figured it was just me being dumb. 

    And my friendships weren't very solid (since I wasn't confident in myself) so the few friends I had didn't say anything.  They didn't feel it was their place.  And it sucks to have people tell you "yeah, I noticed that personality trait that led to your divorce, but I thought you knew about it" or "I found it weird but I thought you liked that about him".  

    During my marriage I honestly thought I was going crazy, that I was the only.one.in.the.world that would have a problem with this amazing guy.  Cuz otherwise someone would have said something, right?  But it still "wasn't their business", so nobody did.  Luckily towards the end of our marriage a therapist suggested a certain personality malfunction and *bingo* it all made sense to me.  Google was my best friend that day. 

    So yeah, I am the friend that will always say something when I am concerned.  I think it's my responsibility as a friend.  They might get pissed, they might not ever talk with me again, but maybe - hopefully - what I say will sit in the back of their mind and at some point reinforce a healthy decision for them.

    :)  and I've tried to surround myself with similar people.  They love me, and they are honest with me when they are worried.  Because in the end - I need my friends to help me when I can't see.  I might ignore their advice, I might decide they are just being silly, but I sure appreciate their input in case I am missing something.

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards