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What is my sister up to? DD

02-24-2011 at 11:36 AM
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danak1978
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What is my SIL up to? (vent...long)

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Hi Ladies,

I guess I can be classified as a lurker here.  I needed to get this off my chest so thanks for hanging in and adding your thoughts :) 

My SIL lives on the west coast and we live on the east coast.  So we have a good relationship through email and phone calls and skype.  She is expecting and due in June.  DH and I are so excited to have a niece and nephew on the way!  It was a long road to get preg with them.  Now having said that, my SIL was VERY open with us and almost everyone else about the steps it took to get preg.  But she refuses to share that info with my MIL.  I recently sent her an email telling her that I think that she should maybe share some of that info with MIL, because it will come out in conversation eventually and maybe MIL would be really hurt that she was left out of the loop.  (When I say SIL told everyone, I mean everyone, she even told a friend of mine who she just met.)  I told her that their secret is safe with us but maybe my SIL and BIL should reconsider their stance thus far.

Since we found out that she was preg we offered to buy anything she wanted for twins (stroller, highchairs, bedding...)  We have offered several times and she said she would let us know when she registered.  Yesterday I was looking on babies r us to see some bedding, so maybe I could get an idea of what it may cost.  While I was on there I decided to type in her name....she has a registery!  So I am really hurt.  It seems like she doesn't want any of BIL's family involved at all.

I have decided that I am going to leave this issue alone and not bring it up.  I know that she is hormonal and it is not worth making bad blood.  But I am still hurt, it is bad enough that we won't be a big part of the babies lives due to distance, but it seems like she doesn't want us to be apart of thier lives at all!

Thanks for hanging in!

 
02-24-2011 at 11:45 AM
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EastCoastB...
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Huh? 

A - on the issue of who she tells, this is NONE of your business. NONE.  We were very open w/ our fertility struggles, but the 2 times we ever tried to tell my IL's, they totally shut us down and had no interest in knowing more.

you don't know the full reason behind why she isn't telling mom.  LET IT GO.

B - so, she said she'd tell you when she set up her registry.   She didn't. Ooops.  I think to be "hurt" by this and see this as some sign that she doesn't want you involved.... are you serious?

It's a REGISTRY.  A wish list of stuff they want.  Dont' make it more than that.  She may feel awkward saying "oh- by the way, I'm registered". 

Lastly, while you have a good relationship, be careful about overstepping your bounds.  You seem to want it to be more than perhaps it is.  Many times when people push for soemthing to be something it isn't, it actually makes things worse.

 


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02-24-2011 at 11:45 AM
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beewltched
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I wouldnt be to worried about her registry.  She could have just started it or the registry could not even be final.  She isnt due until June I wouldnt expect her to be done with the registry until at least the begining of April.

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02-24-2011 at 11:54 AM
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image EastCoastBride:

Huh? 

A - on the issue of who she tells, this is NONE of your business. NONE.  We were very open w/ our fertility struggles, but the 2 times we ever tried to tell my IL's, they totally shut us down and had no interest in knowing more.

you don't know the full reason behind why she isn't telling mom.  LET IT GO.

B - so, she said she'd tell you when she set up her registry.   She didn't. Ooops.  I think to be "hurt" by this and see this as some sign that she doesn't want you involved.... are you serious?

It's a REGISTRY.  A wish list of stuff they want.  Dont' make it more than that.  She may feel awkward saying "oh- by the way, I'm registered". 

Lastly, while you have a good relationship, be careful about overstepping your bounds.  You seem to want it to be more than perhaps it is.  Many times when people push for soemthing to be something it isn't, it actually makes things worse.

 

Ditto all of this.

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02-24-2011 at 11:58 AM
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Sloane99
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image danak1978:

It was a long road to get preg with them.  Now having said that, my SIL was VERY open with us and almost everyone else about the steps it took to get preg.  But she refuses to share that info with my MIL.  I recently sent her an email telling her that I think that she should maybe share some of that info with MIL, because it will come out in conversation eventually and maybe MIL would be really hurt that she was left out of the loop.

 

 

Why? Why are you considering yourself the micromanager of your MIL's potential feelings or hers for sharing or not sharing with who she sees fit?

Maybe this one is too personal for me, but I don't get it. We have shared our IF struggles with my SIL/BIL and several of our friends, I also talk to people I don't know that well but that have been through similar.

We have NOT told either set of parents and may or may not when I do get pregnant. It's extremely personal, we don't want them asking a lot of questions at this point and we know as they both want grandchildren that they have a different vested interest.

02-24-2011 at 12:04 PM
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renegade g...
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You sound like a bit of a busybody. Maybe there is a reason your SIL (and BIL) didn't share more with MIL. My MIL is very intrusive, offers ridiculous and unsolicited advice, is completely oblivious that a lot of the questions she asks are insensitive or offensive, and has a way of trying to make every situation all about her. Perhaps your MIL has some traits that they just don't want to deal with when it comes to their family plans, even if they are perfectly happy to tell other people. Whatever the reason, this is their pregnancy and they have the right to share information on their own terms. If MIL is hurt over being left out, that's their problem to deal with, not yours.

You are completely overreacting about the registry. As others have said, there are still several months left before the birth and maybe they haven't finalized their registry or are not ready to share it just yet. Maybe they're planning to invite you to a shower and assume you will give a gift at that time. It's pretty unreasonable for you to jump to the conclusion that they just don't want your husband's family to be involved, and even if it turns out that's the case, that also is their right.

Finally, stop blaming all of this on your SIL. Your BIL is an adult who chose to marry her, and if they have a decent marriage they make decisions together as a couple based on what is best for their immediate family. Stop looking at this as if it were just SIL trying to push her husband's family away.


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02-24-2011 at 12:10 PM
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donnycorne...
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Whoa there.   You need to take a chill pill.  (Am I the only one who still says that phrase?)

You're making way too much of a big deal about these things.    Like a super over-the-top big deal.   

I could actually be your SIL, sort of.  DH and I also had fertility help to conceive and we're also due in early June.   It's our 2nd though.   We had help with our first and took us a long time to conceive. 

I think maybe my sisters and SILs know that we had to have help to conceive, but my mom and MIL don't know.   I just never felt like telling them or that they needed to know.   It's almost like I don't want to trigger the over-protective, over-inquisitive nature of mothers maybe.    My mom is a bit of a blabber-mouth, so I know everyone she ever meets would then know that I took fertility drugs.   Also, my mom is a worrier, so when we started the process I would worry that she would voice the scary possibility of us never having children or not being able to have children, etc.   It was better for her that she didn't know.    MIL is just too nosy.  She's ask a billiion questions, and ultimately she'd hone in on the fact I took Metformin, which is a diabetes drug, and that maybe I should eat more vegetables instead of bread.    So that's why I didn't tell her.     And trust me...this doesn't just "come up" in conversation.    It's a private issue and you should never bring it up.   If your SIL brings it up in front of MIL, it's her issue. 

Now about the registry.  For my first, I didn't even start a registry until the 3rd trimester.    And even then, for a few weeks it was a work in progress that I just used to keep track of the items I had researched and was pretty sure I would get.   I didn't tell people about it because I was not ready for, and did not want, people to buy things off of it.    I have a registry now for the same reason.   It's more of a reminder shopping list for things we may want/need this time around.      I'm guessing your SIL just recently started it, but it's more of a work in progress than a definite must-buy list.    

So simmer down.  You have a good 10 weeks before you need to buy anything for her.    If you want to buy her something special, I'd ask her if she's having a shower and when that is scheduled.   You won't be able to attend becaus you're on the East Coast, but if she's having a shower in April or May, you can plan to buy and send your gift about 3 weeks before the shower so you have top pick of the final items she has registered for. 

 
02-24-2011 at 12:23 PM
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dirtyred
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I don't tell my mother anything medical related because it becomes a competition with her--she has to be sicker, require more tests, take more drugs, and be more near death than I am.

Let it go.  It's none of your business why they aren't telling your MIL about their fertility issues.


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02-24-2011 at 12:36 PM
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doglove
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Ditto PPs. The fact that you told her what you think she should do makes me side-eye you. No wonder she doesn't want to share details with you if you're going to judge her based on what you think she should with her life.

Your line about how her information is all going to come out in conversation eventually also makes me angry. In WHAT conversation? You are going to share her information with MIL if she doesn't? That's totally inappropriate as well. SIL's business is HER business to tell/not tell and she has the right to tell the things she wants to people she wants. Just because you don't understand this concept does not mean it is wrong.

02-24-2011 at 12:44 PM
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danak1978
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OK everyone I get it.  I am wrong. 

And what I mean by it coming out in conversation is... if one of her neighbors or cousins who tend to "let things slip" say something in earshot of my MIL.  I WOULD NEVER say anything to MIL.  It is not my life or news. 

I get it thanks to all your input. Good luck in the future! 

 

Re: What is my sister up to? DD

  • I would still love to know the logic behind "She didn't tell me about her registry - SHE WANTS TO EXCLUDE OUR ENTIRE FAMILY FROM THE BABIES LIVES!!!!!". 

    That was just an unbelievable leap of logic.

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  • I don't understand that either. I think I was irrationally upset at that post because it reminded me of certain members of MY family who would share any/all information I would give them or tell me what I should/shouldn't tell other members of my family. I have stopped telling them most things, but whew I had a pretty bad flashback when I wrote my response!
  • I know I missed this one, but a part of it could have to do with her SIL having twins - the moment you find out that you are pregnant with twins you tend to go into panic mode ( at least, I did ) in that your doctor and every book you read goes into hideous detail about how "high risk" you now are - to the point that all you can focus on is keeping them alive until they come out. 

    She may have registered just on a whim to see what was available and how much stuff they would actually need with twins - a common thing that expecting twin parents do. She's not going to tell anybody about the registry because it will make her seem like a lunatic.

    Also, we didn't go through any fertility assistance, but not only is fertility assistance a very private thing to some people - when you have twins this way it is easy to assume that you are even more high risk than you previously thought possible - and her SIL is trying to avoid uncomfortable conversations like that that will just make her worry even more.

     

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  • My my. Now I can see why she DD'd.

    Hot boiling mess of intrusive family. My guess is she is one of those "everyone has to know everything about everyone" type. Which in families doesn't work.

    I love her closing statement though. Good luck in the future!


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  • image heartlyric:

    My my. Now I can see why she DD'd.

    Hot boiling mess of intrusive family. My guess is she is one of those "everyone has to know everything about everyone" type. Which in families doesn't work.

    I love her closing statement though. Good luck in the future!

    YES!   I saw that last line and I thought, "Whaaaa?"

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