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I am beginning to really think my sister hates me.

So I am the oldest and my sister is the youngest. Between us we have four years and a set of twins brothers. We have never gotten along and she has been spiteful towards me for the past ten years. She refuses to talk to me directly, ignoring my texts, calls and emails. She refuses to touch me in any form, even a handshake, can't compliment me to save her life. She, however, has a strong bond with our two brothers, as do I.


I always thought that by the time we both moved out, settled down and had kids she would at least try to have a relationship with me. But we are both out of the nest, settled down and she just announced that she is pregnant. She even expressed how she wanted to be close to her family.


So I started to contact her again and she contacted me back. It started out nice and sweet until I didn't get a joke one of her friends said about her pregnancy when we met up for lunch. It was a hurtful joke that seemed more like an insult. (You shouldn't complain because working a labor job and being pregnant is like vacation compared to my job as a manager.) She seemed hurt. She was frowning looking down at her stomach, and said "Gee, I hate you too, so-so." I defended her saying "You would never know what pregnancy was like because you are a male, so maybe you shouldn't talk about it."

Later that day, she sent me mean, hurtful, resentful texts, about how I couldn't take a joke, stating that male-friend (who is a recent ex and not the father of the child) is more of my family than I ever were. I try not to fight with her, so I said "I am here if you need me, and that I would still love to bond with you."


Then she commented on my FB wall that I was attacking her.

This "attack" was a link I put up to a radical Christian leader protesting gay marriage. I said I would like to believe that the anti-gay marriage movement is good at heart but nut-jobs like this guy make me lose faith. She is pro-gay, like me, so this was out of left-field.

She then proceeded to call me ignorant, intolerant, dumb, foolish and a compulsive liar. Compulsive liar really hits home because she has called me one for about five years whenever I remember the smallest detail different from her own memory. And when she does this my family just stays silent, not defending either of us. Can you imagine being called that because you remember your brothers getting upset over getting a cherry birthday cake when they were young, like two or three?


And to make matters worse now her friends are bashing me on my own page. At this point, I just keep deleting all their bad comments, because any comments back to them would fall on deaf ears. If it goes much farther I am going to have to block them from my wall. Or even de-friend all of them, including my sister for good.


Now that you know the story what would you do? Have you dealt with family like this?

Re: I am beginning to really think my sister hates me.

  • It seems like the two of you only have a problem over Facebook.
    image
  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    It seems like the two of you only have a problem over Facebook.

    No, it is face to face, and through phone calls too. I try to communicate with her in a nice way, I just get defensive when all she ever does is comment negatively to me. We can't even get through Christmas without her saying I am a compulsive liar. I am at a loss of what else to do, other than cut her out.

  • Eh.  I've found that when people cut each other out, they still react to each other's absence just as strongly as they did to each other's presence.  Most of the time when you admit that a family problem is an "I don't like you" problem rather than a "you wronged me" problem, it gets easier to have a mild, courteous surface relationship where you don't talk outside of family events, but you aren't tense at them either.
    image
  • Well, what doyou usually do when someone insults you and calls you names?

    She sounds like she has a HUGE grudge and you are mystified to the cause. You can ask her. Take another run at getting to the root cause. What does "compulsive liar" mean? Why does it keep coming up over the most minute detail? Was there a time or a period where you lied that caused her great pain? Something with friends or at school?

    Other than that, you need to stop volunteering to be her victim. She's your sister, but not your friend.

  • What is the history here? Something had to have happened to cause this huge rift.
  • image livingitup:

    Well, what doyou usually do when someone insults you and calls you names?

    She sounds like she has a HUGE grudge and you are mystified to the cause. You can ask her. Take another run at getting to the root cause. What does "compulsive liar" mean? Why does it keep coming up over the most minute detail? Was there a time or a period where you lied that caused her great pain? Something with friends or at school?

    Other than that, you need to stop volunteering to be her victim. She's your sister, but not your friend.

    I used to get right in there and fight with her, calling her a cold-hearted ice queen. But I have really tried to be the bigger person over the years and not call her names, more of we both have our sides and opinions and we can't change them so can we please not fight.

     When she says compulsive liar she means I cannot control myself, that I have to say these things that aren't true. They are big details that I shouldn't know or be able to remember for my age. Like being scared of a big loud church at my grandma's wedding when I was six. Or how my brothers and sister ran into a spare disposable camera and took badly done pictures of each other half dressed around the house when I was at school once. My mom was so pissed when she developed the film. She says I am lying because she doesn't remember the church, she was barely two. And these photos no longer exist, we lost almost all our family papers and photographs when our storage sprung at leak and damaged everything one winter.

    The only thing I can think of with her friends is that we went to one of those 8th grade to 12th high school. When I was a senior I was TA in a lot of 8th grade classes, none of hers luckily, and I bonded with a lot of the kids, including some of her friends. It caused problems because she would make her friends choose, ignore me or lose her as a friend. Some followed her, others thought she was being childish. I didn't react maturely, I told her to grow the heck up.

    Don't you think there is any reason to try to have a relationship? I mean, if I don't put in effort with her, the family has just thought I have cut them all out. It has happened in occasions before.

  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    Eh.  I've found that when people cut each other out, they still react to each other's absence just as strongly as they did to each other's presence.  Most of the time when you admit that a family problem is an "I don't like you" problem rather than a "you wronged me" problem, it gets easier to have a mild, courteous surface relationship where you don't talk outside of family events, but you aren't tense at them either.

    You know, I don't even know how that would work. I contacted her maybe twice a year, with no answer for the past few years. I just tried to make an effort in the last two weeks because she was asking to be closer to family because she is pregnant. Those past years she still made some kind of out burst at Christmas.

  • image casmgn:
    What is the history here? Something had to have happened to cause this huge rift.

    Our parents divorce when I was 10 was pretty rough. Seperate homes, foster care, multiple custody battles.

  • image alligatorandsheep:
    I mean, if I don't put in effort with her, the family has just thought I have cut them all out. It has happened in occasions before.
    This makes no sense. If you call and visit with your parents and your brother, they will still think you are cutting them off just because you don't have a relationship with your sister?
  • image casmgn:
    image alligatorandsheep:
    I mean, if I don't put in effort with her, the family has just thought I have cut them all out. It has happened in occasions before.
    This makes no sense. If you call and visit with your parents and your brother, they will still think you are cutting them off just because you don't have a relationship with your sister?

    If I make the effort to ask my brothers or parents to do something, they make the effort back and accept. But they have conveniently "forgotten" to invite me to graduations, birthday parties, trips, dinners, and holidays because I and my sister weren't getting along. They say they just don't want us to fight, which is why I have been making the effort for the past three years to be nice despite my sister's anger. It just hasn't gotten any better on her end.

  • image alligatorandsheep:

    image casmgn:
    image alligatorandsheep:
    I mean, if I don't put in effort with her, the family has just thought I have cut them all out. It has happened in occasions before.
    This makes no sense. If you call and visit with your parents and your brother, they will still think you are cutting them off just because you don't have a relationship with your sister?

    If I make the effort to ask my brothers or parents to do something, they make the effort back and accept. But they have conveniently "forgotten" to invite me to graduations, birthday parties, trips, dinners, and holidays because I and my sister weren't getting along. They say they just don't want us to fight, which is why I have been making the effort for the past three years to be nice despite my sister's anger. It just hasn't gotten any better on her end.

    Then that's on them, not you. Make your plans, go to what you are invited and wish to go. It sounds like you have a nice little family, so enjoy your DH and child(ren). The larger, extended family is nice but if you are often forgotten or not included then don't factor them into your support system.

    Your follow-up post seems to conclude that your extended family has a very long and broken history. You're not going to fix that any time soon, or in any productive way. Walk away from that responsibility.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • You can't spin gold from hay. She doesn't want a close relationship with you. Stop expecting her to be the sister she'll never be.

     

    And block her and her friends from Facebook.

    image Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
  • image livinitup:
    image alligatorandsheep:

    image casmgn:
    image alligatorandsheep:
    I mean, if I don't put in effort with her, the family has just thought I have cut them all out. It has happened in occasions before.
    This makes no sense. If you call and visit with your parents and your brother, they will still think you are cutting them off just because you don't have a relationship with your sister?

    If I make the effort to ask my brothers or parents to do something, they make the effort back and accept. But they have conveniently "forgotten" to invite me to graduations, birthday parties, trips, dinners, and holidays because I and my sister weren't getting along. They say they just don't want us to fight, which is why I have been making the effort for the past three years to be nice despite my sister's anger. It just hasn't gotten any better on her end.

    Then that's on them, not you. Make your plans, go to what you are invited and wish to go. It sounds like you have a nice little family, so enjoy your DH and child(ren). The larger, extended family is nice but if you are often forgotten or not included then don't factor them into your support system.

    Your follow-up post seems to conclude that your extended family has a very long and broken history. You're not going to fix that any time soon, or in any productive way. Walk away from that responsibility.

    You know, hearing that actually helps. I always thought it was my fault that they didn't include me, like I was the messed up black sheep. Knowing it's not and I don't have to deal with it, makes me feel better.

    My in-laws side is luckily very open, large and loves me very much. We have a very lovely little family too, I was just excited about their little cousin. But they'll live. DH's siblings will have babies eventually.

  • Then that's on them, not you. Make your plans, go to what you are invited and wish to go. It sounds like you have a nice little family, so enjoy your DH and child(ren). The larger, extended family is nice but if you are often forgotten or not included then don't factor them into your support system.

    Your follow-up post seems to conclude that your extended family has a very long and broken history. You're not going to fix that any time soon, or in any productive way. Walk away from that responsibility.

    Ditto this.  If you aren't invited to every single family event - oh, well!

    Change your FB so that neither your sis nor any of her "friends" can make negative comments.  Just make then unable to post on your wall (it is less drama then deleting her or blocking her.  She can't run crying to your brothers).

    Ultimately, relationships are a 2-way street.  Your sis isn't making the effort, so you don't need to keep trying.  I know you are the oldest and might feel this is your job, but "being the oldest" or "the youngest" isn't an excuse once you are both adults. 

    Your sister knows where to find you.  Stop reaching out.  And PLEASE don't fall for any guilt thrown at you once your sister gives birth.  The fact that your sister reprocuces does NOT absolve her of any responsibility of treating you well, and does not make you more responsible for keeping in touch. 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • image Wahoo:

    Then that's on them, not you. Make your plans, go to what you are invited and wish to go. It sounds like you have a nice little family, so enjoy your DH and child(ren). The larger, extended family is nice but if you are often forgotten or not included then don't factor them into your support system.

    Your follow-up post seems to conclude that your extended family has a very long and broken history. You're not going to fix that any time soon, or in any productive way. Walk away from that responsibility.

    Ditto this.  If you aren't invited to every single family event - oh, well!

    Change your FB so that neither your sis nor any of her "friends" can make negative comments.  Just make then unable to post on your wall (it is less drama then deleting her or blocking her.  She can't run crying to your brothers).

    Ultimately, relationships are a 2-way street.  Your sis isn't making the effort, so you don't need to keep trying.  I know you are the oldest and might feel this is your job, but "being the oldest" or "the youngest" isn't an excuse once you are both adults. 

    Your sister knows where to find you.  Stop reaching out.  And PLEASE don't fall for any guilt thrown at you once your sister gives birth.  The fact that your sister reprocuces does NOT absolve her of any responsibility of treating you well, and does not make you more responsible for keeping in touch. 

    I have really got to thank everyone for being so supportive. This is a really emotional hard issue for me.

    It is easier to walk away, get a thicker skin, and accept things a they are when you have other people's insight.

    Thank you for the advice about how to cut the drama without adding more. It works better for me because I can still see updates about my future niece or nephew without her being able to attack when she feels like it. And that I don't have to let her do this to me just because she decided to be a mom. That is such a relief.

  • Wow, I was just thinking about that. My sister hates me. However, I am ok with it. At some point I realize that we could never have a relationship and I am ok with that. I love her and wish her the best but we will never have a sister relationship. Sometimes you have to take that approach with people. I wish you the best. You cannot make anyone including family understand you or have a good relationship.
  • image livinitup:

    Your follow-up post seems to conclude that your extended family has a very long and broken history. You're not going to fix that any time soon, or in any productive way. Walk away from that responsibility.

    Yeah, this.  I think there is a lot going on here under the surface and why she is how she is... who knows.  But childhood can screw us up.  It can set us on a course that can be hard to get off of.  Until SHE steps back and takes stock of her life, her relationships, her family and realizes "this isnt' working for me, what can I do to change things?", there really isn't anything YOU can do. 

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • How old is she?   You say you've had a rift for 10 years and it may have started in 8th grade, so she's what, 23?  24? 

    She and her friends sound like children.   Although, I'm not sure why you said what you did to her male friend.   Sounds like you overreacted.    Maybe a lighter-hearted comment like "Riiiiiiiiiiiiight" would have been more appropriate without seeming like you were attacking the friend.   But the whole Facebook war is ridiculous.     De-friend all the children who don't seem to understand adult communication styles and move on.

    As for your sister, you've only been trying for 2 weeks.   Her being slightly pregnant does not all of a sudden morph her into a mature family-oriented woman.   You'd have a better shot after she has the kid, when she may need advice for fevers, crying jags, bedtime rituals, etc.    That will hopefully be the catalyst for her to grow up and stop being a child herself.

    As for being left out of family gatherings?  That would piss me off.   Confront your family.   Let them know that you're not the instigator of these little fights at holidays and you shouldn't be the one left out because your sister has to call you a compulsive liar at every event.   By the way, you should print out the definition of a compulsive liar and read it verbatim every time she calls you one.   She obviously doesn't know what it really means. 

  • I sympathize.  My sister is just a nasty self-centered person.  She is only happy with me when she is getting what she wants.  She's the type of person that if she's not happy and you are, she hates you. 

     While I recognize there may be a reason for the grudge, I can also understand that some people are just downright nasty and negative because that's the way they are.  I can also sympathize with family not helping you out when they KNOW you're not doing anything but trying.

  • Your sister may be SAYING that she wants to bond, but talk is cheap.  Let her actions do the talking. 

    My H was in the same boat as you.  He tried FOR YEARS to be the bigger person when his sisters went b*t-sh*t crazy on each other and on him, feeling it was his job to hold the family together..  Finally, one sister stopped speaking to him/us, made nasty comments to me and my then-newborn child, and refused to respond to any invitations we sent her.  DH had enough, and we stopped all contact with her.  He was done.

    Then, lo and behold!  Suddenly, she starts emailing him, telling him she made a dumb mistake (note: the mistake was over the course of 2+ years).  She brought his stepmom into the picture, and every time we saw stepMIL it was "you are family, you should forgive and forget."  Etc. This would have NEVER happened if DH had not decided to step back and allow her to be by herself.

    I'm not saying cut your sister out of your life, but stop trying.  Morn the great sister relationship that might have been possible if you were born / grew up under different circumstances, and move on with your life.  Surround yourself with close friends and reach out to the family members who are close to you - whether they are your parents, brothers, or aunts and cousins.  Block your sister's newsfeeds and don't allow her to post on your wall.

    You will not be able to win with your sister, so keep her at arm's length.  See her for WHO SHE IS!!!  When she calls you a compulsive liar, just say "whatever" and roll your eyes.You know the truth.  Even though she wants to "be close," I would not meet her for lunch or anything else unless the whole family is around.  It's too bad that the relationship is this bad, but ask yourself "would I be friends or try so hard with anyone else who treated me like this?"  The answer is no, so don't feel obligated to be close to your sister just b/c you share DNA.

  • I didn't realize that this was so common.  Your sister sounds just like mine.  I remember unimportant details she doesn't, so I must be a pathological liar.  Her favorite thing to do is say (to my face and to whoever else will listen) that I have poor self esteem.  Maybe I do have low self esteem, but it's quite hurtful to pick out peoples' weakness and constantly point it out.  She is fairly religious and whenever she sees me she's sure to make a point of how superior she is because she's a "born-again virgin" (my fiance is the only man I've ever been with).  She is pretty cold and calculating.  I try to minimize our interactions and stay polite as much as possible.  I don't know if you come from an alcoholic family, but siblings ganging up on each other can be common and part of the dysfunction.  The funny thing is that her latest career aspiration is to counsel young adults.  :/
  • To me it sounds like you two have been dancing around a bunch of petty disagreements b/c neither of you have the balls to be up front. You can fight all night about cherry cake and who called who what, and never actually get to the real thing you're both mad at each other about.

    "We're both adults. We've grown up. We've got families of our own now. And we've been fighting for years. Where did this start? What do I owe you an apology for that has had you so angry with me for so long? b/c let me tell you, it isn't cherry cake. I want to know so I can say I'm sorry and we can get on with being sisters and loving each other."

    When you said separate foster homes...I heard broken promise. This goes way back somewhere deep and I'll bet she holds you responsible for something you had no control over. Give her a chance to take the bait. If she doesn't, I'd fade into the background and focus on my own family. Sounds like the first one you got wasn't all that great - focus on making the one you have now fabulous.

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