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ILs not so welcoming (long)

My fiancee and I currently live a province away from his family and I am ok with that however after the wedding he wants to move closer, the only problem I have with this is his family doesn't exactly treat me the best.

Once a year we go out to visit and I usually grin a bear it for the week but I can't take much more of the thinly veiled comments about me ripping my fiancee away from his family. I walked out of his grandmothers kitchen and before I was even out of ear shot she was telling my fiancee that no matter what anyone says he should never doubt their love for them like I'm trying to brainwash him or something.

His mother is no better, I see how they treat my future sister in law and know that once we are married and the inevitable baby comes along things aren't going to get any better.

My fiancee is at least on my side of things for the most part he does stand up for me yet he still wants to move closer to his family knowing how things are going to be.

I really am not sure how to approach the issue I can tough through it for a week at a time once a year but I don't know how to tell my fiancee that I am not into a life of backhanded comments and criticism both to my face and behind my back. 

Re: ILs not so welcoming (long)

  • image vmaclean:

    My fiancee and I currently live a province away from his family and I am ok with that however after the wedding he wants to move closer, the only problem I have with this is his family doesn't exactly treat me the best.

    Once a year we go out to visit and I usually grin a bear it for the week but I can't take much more of the thinly veiled comments about me ripping my fiancee away from his family. I walked out of his grandmothers kitchen and before I was even out of ear shot she was telling my fiancee that no matter what anyone says he should never doubt their love for them like I'm trying to brainwash him or something.

    His mother is no better, I see how they treat my future sister in law and know that once we are married and the inevitable baby comes along things aren't going to get any better.

    My fiancee is at least on my side of things for the most part he does stand up for me yet he still wants to move closer to his family knowing how things are going to be.

    I really am not sure how to approach the issue I can tough through it for a week at a time once a year but I don't know how to tell my fiancee that I am not into a life of backhanded comments and criticism both to my face and behind my back. 

    Well, you know what your future holds -- ILs who don't respect you, and a FI who wants to live near them and admits with his actions that he doesn't care how they treat you. Once you say "I do," you lose the right to complain about your ILs and your husband's lack of balls ever again. You know what you're signing up for.

    The only way to tell your FI that you aren't into a life of backhanded comments and criiticism both to your face and behind your back is to hand him the ring back and find a guy who thinks his wife is more important than his mommy. He's out there, I promise. But if you don't do that, well, you only have yourself to blame. Not your husband, and certainly not your ILs. The entire blame for your miserable marriage and existence will fall squarely on your shoulders and nobody else's.

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • Have you considered having a conversation about expectations after you move? Both with you and FI as a couple, and then you two with his extended family?

    Why does he want to move closer? What does he expect? Would the relationship-building with his extended family and you start then? Now? How close is closer - 10 minutes, an hour, 2 hours? Does he envision weekly dinners at his grandmother's place? How does that effect you?  Where would he work? Where would you work? Is employment for both of you realistic?

    And you, is the distance the only tension with you and his family?  Is the geographic distance the issue that they say "rips him away from' his family? If the distance ended, why would you think they would still be unfriendly to you? What else is really going on? Would he be required at every family event, with or without you? Or be accused of ripping the family apart?

    Why are you so sure that your version of the future is the correct one that you are the one "knowing how things are going to be"? And why do you think your FI is also "knowing how things are going to be" if he also insists on going forward with this plan? There has to be a disconnect somewhere.

    These may be terrible people who will always be awful to you. It's also possible that walking into week-long plans with a chip on your shoulder and a "tough through it" attitude may contribute to the tension.

    And finally, it's entirely possible that living 'closer' and developing a casual relationship with them is a heck of a lot easier that annual week-long visits. There just isn't that much of a rush to "see" everyone and have meaningful moments together, lack of privacy and resentment that it will be a year before the next visit.

    Anyway, I think you both need to nail-down expectations of how much, how often and under what circumstances you are going to be seeing his family if you move. You need to talk about his hopes and your fears.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • I wouldn't marry someone who expected me to put up with verbal abuse for the rest of my life, nor would I marry someone if I didn't know how to talk to him about serious problems in our relationship. I think it's a little bit strange that you're planning to have a child with this guy.

    How does he handle it when your in-laws treat you so poorly? Does he say anything to them? Does he even notice?

  • I don't believe your FI stands up for you.  Or if he does, what exactly do you mean by it?

    In the end, the message and the follow through should be clear "She is my FI and if you continue to speak to her/ about her this way, then we will not be coming over" and then you all need to get up and LEAVE.

    That is what is going to get the message through.  If he isn't willing to do that, AND if he realyl wants to move closer - eh... I'm questioning how much he really stands up for you.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Your FI does not stand up for you. If he did he wouldn't expect you to put up with disrepect from his family. He certainly wouldn't expect you o move closer to them so you can endure more of it.

    Agreeing to marry this man and moving closer to them= disaster.

    Have you tried standing up for yourself? I have a feeling your FI wouldnt like that too much.



  • image vmaclean:

     I don't know how to tell my fiancee that I am not into a life of backhanded comments and criticism both to my face and behind my back. 

     First off, you are talking about your future and the rest of your life here.  You have to address this issue with him.  What is it you are worried about, that he will be upset with you,  or he will put his family first.  Your concerns should come first as you will be his wife.  If you do not want to move closer, then you should not be moving closer to his family.  If your fiancee has a problem with that, then you should not be getting married.

  • image vmaclean:

    I don't know how to tell my fiancee that I am not into a life of backhanded comments and criticism both to my face and behind my back. 

    Actually, this statement makes it even more clear that he doesn't back you up, he doesn't REALLY see how things are.  Because if he did, you would be able to talk to him about it w/ ease. The fact that you don't know how to bring it up means that he doesn't see it.
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • image EastCoastBride:

     If he isn't willing to do that, AND if he realyl wants to move closer - eh... I'm questioning how much he really stands up for you.

    I agree with this. No matter what he says to you, he doesn't see a problem with the situation or he'd put a stop to it. Actions speak louder than words, and the fact that he is looking to move closer to them despite your reservations speaks louder than anything he might say to try to placate you.

    Make sure you understand what you are signing up for before you walk down that aisle. Do you want to be dealing with this for the rest of your life?

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  • image vmaclean:

    I really am not sure how to approach the issue I can tough through it for a week at a time once a year but I don't know how to tell my fiancee that I am not into a life of backhanded comments and criticism both to my face and behind my back. 

    Why would you consider getting engaged to someone you don't know how to communicate with?

  • Have you ever actually said "I don't want to live close to your family"?
    image
  • Everyone else has given you great advice. Especially whoever said once you marry a man who puts mom and his family's feeling before yours, you lose the right to complain about it. Your eyes are wide open, you know what awaits you. Think hard about whether or not you want to live like that.

    Fiancee= woman

    Fiance= man

  • One thing is clear: you have to speak up, be assertive and make your wants/needs 100% transparent.  If you're afraid he'll choose living closer to his parents over marrying you, then you'll have dodged a bullet.  I would strongly suggest premarital counseling to work on your communication.  I married without ironing out IL issues and we spent the first year married arguing over ILs.  We overcame the issue and are stronger for it, but I can't say all men will "get it" that quickly, if you consider a year "quick"...  Long story short, you're going to deal with it now or later, so might as well be now (before the wedding).

  • Give this boy back to his family. If you think it is bad living far from them it is going to get worse living closer. Why on earth do you allow them to talk to you that way? Find your voice and tell them to shove it. Obviously, your FI isn't going to tell them he is man enough to make his own decisions and chooses you. Why you pick him is a boggle.
  • You need to get the IL issues worked out before marriage. If he is unwilling to stand up for you and tell his family they are not to speak of you in that way why would you want to be with him? If you don't want to move close to his family tell him that. You have to communicate with him and be honest about what you want and don't want, he can't read your mind.
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  • Do you want to marry someone who is going to take his mom/dad/grandparents side before yours?  This was a huge issue when I was engaged and we actually broke up over it before we got married.  If I hadn't stuck up for myself then I would be either unhappily married or more likely divorced.  I laid it all out and basically gave him and made it very clear I will not stand second to his mom.  Once he thought he lost me he realized what he really wanted and everything worked out great.  I wasn't sure things would work out but was willing to take that chance, I refused to spend the rest of my life unhappy.  MIL continued to try VERY hard to split us up after we got married but by that time he knew what he really wanted. 

    My MIL actually said... Its not fair you're choosing her side over mine I'M your mom, when he wouldn't celebrate Easter with her without me our first year of marriage (she didn't want me there cause she just wanted a holiday with her "boys" so, we did not see them that year).  She also told him he and I weren't a family cause we didn't have kids and she and his dad were his only real family.... I have literally hundreds of stories of things shes tried to pull even since we've married, always testing hubby to see who's side he'll take.  I would not be surprised if your future MIL pulls this kind of crap so stick up for yourself now before its too late and if your FI doesnt stick up for you now, he never will. 

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  • image renegade gaucho:

    I wouldn't marry someone who expected me to put up with verbal abuse for the rest of my life, nor would I marry someone if I didn't know how to talk to him about serious problems in our relationship. I think it's a little bit strange that you're planning to have a child with this guy.


    This. Only add in I also find it strange you are planning to marry someone who does not actually stand up for you and define boundaries with his family, and who you cannot communicate with about something that is an issue for you (i.e simply say that you are NOT okay with the backhanded comments that apparently he just "listens to" without much consequence to them). I wonder about your overall communication if you are in so much doubt about how to express how you feel to your partner - the man you apparently want to spend your life with.

    I am not really sure how he is "standing up for you" here. If you two cannot be on the same page about your relationships with your family members, it is going to be a lot more of this ahead. This is NOT going to get better just because you get married. 

     

  • Thanks for all the advice is there a way to voice my feelings nicely or do I just let it all out regardless of who it hurts. Even though they treat me the way they do I am not in any way a mean person and really don't want to hurt anyones feelings if I don't absolutely have to.
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