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Am I bad at compromising?

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Re: Am I bad at compromising?

  • "He thinks we don't need anything new and that I'm trying to take over his house and redecorate the whole thing."

    I don't think you're confused about what 'compromise' is.  I think he's confused about what 'marriage' is.  It will no longer be 'his house'- it will be your home, too.  He's the uncompromising one.  Luckily you found out before you married him!

  • I will absolutely guarantee that there are many things I wear that my husband does not "like" all that much. I know this, as he has told me he does not like them that much. At the same time, he also has stated he loves me as I am (nerdy and quirky dress and all), thinks I am hot even if I am wearing pajamas, and does not give a damn what I do actually wear or don't wear.

    Neither of us has EVER expected the other to blend into whatever our own personal taste was.

    Seriously, you REALLY need to rethink this marriage. You think this is about "tailoring your wardrobe". But it is much, much, MUCH deeper than that. 

    ETA: And really, you can't sleep in a warm bed as he thinks duvets look "dumb".  Wow. That's just stupid. If he wants to make the bed differently in the day then at night, fine - he can be responsible for that, but it is pretty petty and stupid (and controlling) to not want you to be comfortable in your own freaking house (though, I am pretty sure he will make it known it is "his" house). 

  • image MyValentine2004:

    I think he's confused about what 'marriage' is

    Exactly!

  • Here's my idea of how your conversation with your FI went.

    You "Honey, Can we go find a duvet that you like? I'm getting really cold at night and I wanted register for a matching set for the bed?"

    Him "Why are you trying to change everything in my house? Duvets are dumb."

    You "But sweetie, I'm waking up freezing at night!"

    Him "You can't compromise on anything!"

    Honestly, from how your described it, I can't imagine it being any more reasonable than that.

    [IMG]http://img534.imageshack.us/img534/1457/jansiggy.jpg[/IMG]
  • Run. Run now. I am currently in the process of divorcing a man like this. He is selfish. I assure you it only gets worse. And divorce is a lot worse than breaking off an engagement.

    At the least, please go to counseling together before you get married tonstart working on this issue.

  • oh dear... please address this issue ASAP before you say forever with this guy. If you don't, you will be miserable after a while. Now you are in the lovey-dovey stage so doing those things isn't a huge deal... but after the newlywed excitement wears off, you're going to be miserable! 
    Anniversary
  • Sounds like he loves who he WANTS you to be...not who you ARE. 

    I'd give more thought to marrying this guy. 

  • He sounds like a real winner ...  Get out before making a MUCH bigger committment and then regretting it!!
  • OP, I imagine it hurts your feelings to hear people tell you that you shouldn't marry your fiance but let this be a wake-up call to you.  In all likelihood, he is not going to change.  It sounds like he isn't making any effort whatsoever to welcome you into his home.  Compromising isn't saying "Ok honey if you think duvets are dumb then we won't get one."  It should be more like "If you really don't like duvets then maybe we can find something else we both like because the quilt just isn't keeping me warm enough."  Anything less is incredibly disrespectful to you.

    As for him telling you what you should or shouldn't wear, that's just wrong.  By catering to that you aren't compromising;  you're allowing him to change who you are.  My H moved into my house that is actually the house I grew up in so it was a big struggle to move from the mindset of "my" house to "our" house.  As much as I would love to have everything be exactly how I want, that just isn't fair to DH.

    If you really want to marry this guy you should consider premarital counseling before it's too late and seriously think ahead about what life with him is going to be like.  Love isn't worth a whole lot if there's no respect.

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  • This is a case of him saying all the wrong things and you asking all the wrong questions.

    If you truly are concerned that you are 'bad at compromising,' please offer some examples of ways you think your FI is exceptionally good at compromising.

  • Sounds like you have bigger issues then to duvet or not to duvet.

    Can you not see the red flags here?

    image
    Time to put on your big girl panties

    I've got your rainbows and ponies right here
    image
  • Oh dear.  This is not a relationship built on mutual respect and trust.  This is a dictatorship where your Fiance has all the power because you've been trained to roll over and give up your own wishes to satisfy him.  If this was 1930, my answer to this question would be different but it isn't 1930.  You are, I'm sorry to say it, a horrible compromiser because you don't do it at all.  You are catering to your fiance's every whim.  You have every right to wear - loud and proud- whatever you feel good in and to heck with his preference on patterns or colors.  You have a right to be warm when you sleep.  If he is opposed to a down comforter and duvet, perhaps there is something you can add that you'll both agree on.

    I'm sorry, but marrying someone like this is setting yourself up for a lifetime of second class citizenry.  Your opinions have merit and deserve consideration.  You don't always have to get your way (like it seems that he is getting right now) but it absolutely must be added to the mix of options.  My husband would not remain my husband if he told me straight up that he thought somethng I was thinking about was dumb.  That is not a respectful way to treat anyone, let alone your life partner. 

    At a minimum, I think that you need to get into therapy to work through your lack of self esteem.  The fact that you have gone along with this and seem to be able to justify your behavior modifications in this post makes me sad.  Stand up for yourself girl!!  I realize that can be tough for some of us ladies but it shouldn't have to be so difficult.  You deserve to be loved by a person who is an equal in your life.  Somone who respects you, your ideas, your opinions, your thoughts and dreams.  See if he'll go with you and work through this.  He sounds like a total control freak and is in need of help himself.  If he refuses, I would urge you to seriously reconsider your decision to marry him.  I'm sorry. 

  • Really, and you want to marry this guy?  YOU don't have the wrong attitude, your FI does.
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  • What DOES he like????

    He sounds like he's a real joy to be around. I too would like to know why you're marrying this guy? Nothing seems to please him at all and wow, who ever heard of somebody who didn't like comforters or duvet covers??

  • I'm going to slightly play devil's advocate here, since no one else seems to be trying to understand what the FI is thinking and this is only your side of the story. Has he been living on his own for a long time? Is he older? And how quickly have your proposed changes come about?

    I only ask because a lot of guys need time to adjust to changes, my H included. If you've only recently moved in and are trying to do the whole registry immediately, or he's a long-time bachelor used to his little routine, he might be feeling overwhelmed.

    Now if he bought the place 6 months ago and had already proposed to you, that's a whole different story. I'm not saying you're wrong, it sounds like you are offering good compromises, I'm just wondering what is the context of the issue.

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  • image ArcadianDreams:

    I'm going to slightly play devil's advocate here, since no one else seems to be trying to understand what the FI is thinking and this is only your side of the story. Has he been living on his own for a long time? Is he older? And how quickly have your proposed changes come about?

    I only ask because a lot of guys need time to adjust to changes, my H included. If you've only recently moved in and are trying to do the whole registry immediately, or he's a long-time bachelor used to his little routine, he might be feeling overwhelmed.

    Now if he bought the place 6 months ago and had already proposed to you, that's a whole different story. I'm not saying you're wrong, it sounds like you are offering good compromises, I'm just wondering what is the context of the issue.

    In reference to the Posters actual questions, this makes sense. However, no matter how long they've been together or he's owned his house the fact that he has told her that he doesn't want her to wear any patterns ever is really pretty controlling.

    The guy is a tool. No good can come of this relationship.

    [IMG]http://img534.imageshack.us/img534/1457/jansiggy.jpg[/IMG]
  • image linzica:
    image ArcadianDreams:

    I'm going to slightly play devil's advocate here, since no one else seems to be trying to understand what the FI is thinking and this is only your side of the story. Has he been living on his own for a long time? Is he older? And how quickly have your proposed changes come about?

    I only ask because a lot of guys need time to adjust to changes, my H included. If you've only recently moved in and are trying to do the whole registry immediately, or he's a long-time bachelor used to his little routine, he might be feeling overwhelmed.

    Now if he bought the place 6 months ago and had already proposed to you, that's a whole different story. I'm not saying you're wrong, it sounds like you are offering good compromises, I'm just wondering what is the context of the issue.

    In reference to the Posters actual questions, this makes sense. However, no matter how long they've been together or he's owned his house the fact that he has told her that he doesn't want her to wear any patterns ever is really pretty controlling.

    The guy is a tool. No good can come of this relationship.

    I agree. Telling her what she can and can't wear is beyond lacking an ability to deal with change. My DH thinks a lot of fashion trends are stupid (he doesn't understand since men's basic fashion doesn't change much from year to year). But he leaves it up to me to decide what I'm going to wear and makes a point of complimenting me. Being confident in who you are and what you're wearing is part of what makes you attractive - not whether DH actually likes my Uggs :-)

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  • image ArcadianDreams:

    I'm going to slightly play devil's advocate here, since no one else seems to be trying to understand what the FI is thinking and this is only your side of the story. Has he been living on his own for a long time? Is he older? And how quickly have your proposed changes come about?

    I only ask because a lot of guys need time to adjust to changes, my H included. If you've only recently moved in and are trying to do the whole registry immediately, or he's a long-time bachelor used to his little routine, he might be feeling overwhelmed.

    Now if he bought the place 6 months ago and had already proposed to you, that's a whole different story. I'm not saying you're wrong, it sounds like you are offering good compromises, I'm just wondering what is the context of the issue.

    As far as the house is concerned, this is probably the case.  In my situation, I was the one with the house and aside from the 10 years after high school I have lived in it my entire life.  I have a family portrait from when I was around 3 years old taken in the living room and the background still looks almost exactly the same.  I hate change.  I lived alone all my adult life.  Welcoming my H into my home was extremely difficult but it had to be done.  It's not just my house anymore, it's ours and insisting on keeping everything the way I  want isn't fair to my H.  Do I like having the backboard of a basketball goal that DH painted hanging on the wall?  Not particularly, but it's there because it's something that makes DH feel like the house is his too.

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  • Our compromise on the temperature thing is that a have an extra little blanket under the covers on my side of the bed that I wrap around myself and I stay nice and toasty.

    About the clothes thing: my husband would certainly prefer that I wear lingerie all day every day. Does this mean I do it? Nope. You do need to feelcomfortable with yourself, you know.

    You would have one awesome relationship if the worst conflict you have is whether or not to get a duvet. Unfortunately it sounds like this is a "tip of the iceberg" problem. Hopefully you can take some of the advice here before you commit yourself to this man for the rest of your life. 

  • It would be a cold day in hell when I would change how I dressed for ANYONE.  This isn't like "Ok, I'm going to a job interview; I shouldn't wear sweatpants."  This is "This person allegedly loves me so much that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me; he should be thrilled to be around me, whether I'm wearing knee-high boots or a rat carcass."
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