Sex & Romance
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chemistry vs. friendship

researching the idea of chemistry versus friendship.  interesting question, as most of my friends now getting divorced say they still love their spouse, but as a friend.  the chemistry is gone. 

did you feel instant chemistry with your spouse?  or did it develop?  or was there a point in your friendship it suddenly appeared?  have you lost chemistry to have it appear once again?

do you look for chemistry first or friendship?  both are crucial to a relationship.  but do you feel one is more important than the other?  why?

all opinions appreciated.

Re: chemistry vs. friendship

  • I felt instant chemistry with my spouse. The second we laid eyes on each other I had a feeling we'd be knocking boots. However, it didn't take long until I found we clicked on an emotional level as well- the first time we met, at a party, the two of us spent the entire evening outside talking and had our first date planned for the next night.

    The chemistry/friendship debate seems a lot like the heart/head debate, and I've always felt strongly that it's not a matter of choosing one over the other. Your heart and head need to be in concensus and if they're not, you're not with the right person.

    All that being said, I think it's common to have that level of sexual intensity fade a bit after a while. But I believe a relationship with a strong base will survive just fine.

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  • DH and I started off friends, we ertr friends for about 10 years prior to getting together.  We were always attracted to each other and whatnot.  I am glad we had that strong friendship as a foundation, when we made the transition was very smooth sailing. I feel the friendship was an important part of it and still is. 
  • I agree that one without the other is pretty useless in terms of romance.  With my husband, there was chemistry first, and we developed a friendship to go with it over time.  For me, chemistry never grows over time - if I'm not attracted to a person immediately, I never will be. 
  • They feed into each other. 
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  • your thoughts are truly appreciated.  i'm interested in how long everyone's been married.  why?  i'm finding a lot of my readers- those married 15+ or more-WERE very sexually attracted to their partners in the early years and were also the closest of friends.  however, decades later, the chemistry has waned.  while they're still close friends, they've decided to divorce.  it's a huge issue.

    thanks again for your commentary.  much appreciated.

  • We have been married for 1.5 years, together for over 11 years.  I'd say that while that can't keep our hands off of each other part of our relationship is gone and never coming back, the chemistry is still there.  It's different from the way it used to be, though - the sexual part is more frequently playful and loving than it is super hot, though we do have our hot moments.  No divorce is on the agenda at this point.
  • Married 6 years next month, together for 10.

    If your friends feel that way, I'd say it has more to do with unrealistic expectations of marriage. The "have to have you now" chemistry does fade, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

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  • Funny, I think I did everything backwards.  I've always had a strong spark with everyone I had ever dated, but with my husband, it was just comfortable, like a best friend.  He met everything that I wanted in a husband, and I thought that the spark would happen one day after dating for a while.  It still is just comfortable.  If I could redo it I wish I would have gone for spark.
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