Sex & Romance
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what to do?

My friend has been married for 8 years. Her and her husband have been in therapy together off and on for 3 years. Things are better due to therapy. But, it is still a work in progress. They are not very affectionate. They maybe kiss a couple times a day. They have sex maybe 2 times a month. The wife is unahppy with that.

The husband says he has low sex drive due to stress etc. My friend doesnt know what to do. She is so upset about the lack of intimacy and lack of sex. She has told her husband how she doesnt feel desired. He says it isnt you. He says he is too stressed. She doesnt want to cheat. But, she cant stay in marriage that lacks intimacy.

How often does the average couple have sex? Isnt 2 or 3 times a month very litttle?

Any thoughts?

Re: what to do?

  • there is no real average, and sex therapists will tell you the number doesn't matter as long as both parties are happy.

    that's not the case here. 

    what i do know is that the real danger period for couples is between 7 and 10 years.  that's when the most divorces occur.  your friend has reason to be worried.

    i'm glad to hear counseling is helping.  i'd have you private message me as to the affair issue, but i don't know yet how to pm!  i know.  i'm new, and i'm lame.  but i do have first hand experience, am non-judgmental, and wish the best for your friend.


  • image redlace:

    there is no real average, and sex therapists will tell you the number doesn't matter as long as both parties are happy.

    What?  I agree that the number doesn't matter as long as both parties are happy, but of course there is a "real average."  There is data; we don't get to just pretend it doesn't exist.

    FWIW, I found this information from the Kinsey Institute:

    13% of married couples reported having sex a few times per year, 45% reported a few times per month, 34% reported 2-3 times per week, and 7% reported 4 or more times per week (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994)

    I totally agree, though, that this is besides the point in this situation.

    OP, this story seems very similar to your post about your cousin.  Same person?  I think they gave you good advice there.

  • I was perusing this message board tonight hoping to find someone else who was having this problem - not b/c I would wish that on her, but b/c I feel the same as your friend and it really sucks. My personal story/history beside, I do not feel "wanted" by my husband at all and just wait for him to want intimacy. We probably average once a week. If it was up to me, we'd be closer to 3 or 4 times a week.

    I don't think my husband has a chemical inbalance, and he doesn't even claim to be stressed. We are coming up on our 2 year anniversary. No counseling, and I wouldn't want to (at least at this point). I think he and I need to improve our perception and communication about the matter. My husband is very affectionate, just not as sexually-driven as I'd like him to be.

    But tell your friend I sympathize with her. It's very unfulfilling and scary to think that it could cause big problems (if it hasn't already).  Quite frankly, it sucks. I'm stressed about it now, and hoping things work themselves out - or that I figure out a way to approach him in a loving way about the issue. Hopefully your friend works things out too.

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