Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

ILs on FB?

I have a FB account that I use strictly for real life friends (that I've met and know in person/real life). I don't like to link it to ILs strictly because that kind of relationship to me is different to friendships. I love my ILs, don't get me wrong, but it's not the same kind of friendship.

Tonight we started talking about FB and H said that he had a FB account. He only has it 'cause once I forwarded him a link to an article that I thought would interest him, and he had to create an account to read it. He never posts a thing. But he told them that yeah, he had an account and then they asked me (quite naturally) if I did. I told them that yes, I had one, and they asked if I'd friend them. I then told them that I don't have relatives on there, just friends and I prefer to keep it that way. They seemed to understand but I'm not sure... they could have been hurt and if they were, I'd get it (although I don't think they would be). SIL did ask, though, "So you don't have your sister or your father on there?" and I replied that no, I didn't, and I didn't think they even had FB accounts.

This lead me to wonder - do you have your families and ILs on your FBs (if you have one)? Do you have a policy about the types of relationships you friend and if so, how do you enforce that policy? Up till now, I just haven't told anyone that I have FB (and I use a variation of my name on there) but ... anyway, just curious. 

Re: ILs on FB?

  • I have both friends and family on there.  My only "rules" are that they are people I actually know and I won't friend anyone who is above me at work.   As for enforcing it, I just don't accept friend requests from people I don't want to be fb friends with.  Hasn't been an issue.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • My one rule is that I know every friend on Facebook IRL. I am friends with my mom, all four sisters, all BILs, cousins & CILs, my gma, a few aunts and one uncle. The rest of my family does not have a facebook account. I am also friends with my SIL, MIL (who is never on cause of some issue she has with her SIL who also has a facebook and apparently my MIL doesn't know how to block or unfriend her), H's grandma and aunts. None of his family are very active on facebook except his sister and the one aunt that my MIL has issues with.

    I am close with my family so it's a great way for us to keep in contact. I've had no issues with being friends with my family or H's family. In my family everyone gets along though.

  • My daugher has "friended" me on facebook and I understand there are about 200 waiting for me to finish my page.

     

    I just haven't decided if FB is for the older generation or not 

  • We are military, so we are always stationed someplace away from family and "old" friends.  I started my FB page (only after I married and moved away with DH) to keep in contact with everyone in my life at once.  I only have to post a ton of pictures once vs. keeping the amount down and possibly missing someone or clogging an inbox. 

    This has helped me make sure that NO ONE is left out between the two families. 

    And it allows me to keep up with what is going on back home too.  Being 6 hours ahead, I miss a lot of opportunity to hear from people (I am eating dinner around the time they have hit lunch).  2 hours later, I am asleep (dont ask....). 

    As long as you everyone on your list is drama free, I do not see an issue.

    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • I know everyone on facebook, but yes I do have family.  I have My mom and all of my aunts and my cousin.  I have my sister, brother in law, and nieces.  I also have my brother (even though I can't stand his fiance).  On my IL side of the family, I have my husbands aunt, mom (who is not active whatsoever), and my brother in law and sister in law.  I have had a lot more support from my family on anything I do because of facebook, because even though we don't talk all the time, they know what is going on in my life.  My husband's aunt keeps tabs on us via my facebook because although we live in the same city, we don't talk very much either.  I am careful with ALL of my postes that I am aware that my nieces and cousin (all between 11-15) are reading my posts, and that does change some of what I will post or re-post from others.

    As for work, I have added one co-worker.  We vent to eachother all the time.  For most of the 1.5 years I have had my job, I refused to add anyone from work because I usually spend most of my sift on FB complaning about my job (glorified babysitter all night long for a teenaged residential house), and I know this one person does not care that I write I hate being up all night. 

     My opinion, if there is info you really don't want your family to see, then don't post it.  For a family that is not incredibly close, I have found it a great support in bringing us closer. 

     

  • I have friends and family there. It sucks having in-laws on there because sometimes I want to have some "me space".

    I also have a number of colleagues, so really although I use facebook for socialising I'm also very "appropriate" about what I put out there,

    My only rule is in regards to my students. I'm a high school teacher and students often try to "friend" me. So my rule is no current students. Once they have left school and are grown-ups that's fine, but before that I keep it as adult space.

    I just ignore their requests and if they ask me about it in class, I explain my no current students rule. never had any problems. 

    [IMG]http://i55.tinypic.com/213pzit.jpg[/IMG]
    Elizabeth 3yrs old Jane 1yr old
  • I have my brother and SIL on there as we're close, but I didn't friend my FIL, who asked - he doesn't need to know my life in that detail (he'd probably bring things up to my DH such as pics of me drinking and the like as a negative).  I wouldn't friend my parents either. 
    image
  • I'll add any friend/family that asks.. but my "rule" is if they don't like what they see/read block me or delete me. I'm not going to censor my space to make MIL or any other crazy family member happy.
  • imageootmother2:

    I just haven't decided if FB is for the older generation or not 

    I'm 40 and most of my friends are in their late 30's/ early 40's and we're all on FB.  ;) 

    To the OP - I'm friends w/ many of my IL's, but not my FIL.  I actually hope he never friends me.  That's jsut a level of information I dont' want him to have (he likes to ask lots and lots of questions and can sometimes get a little invasive).

    I actually will sometimes go through and delete people who I haven't heard from, never post, and/or never respond to anything I write. 

    I like FB but I like it to actually keep in touch w/ people on some level.  Old coworkers, though,  I keep no matter what. You never konw when they could be a resource. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • I don't have my ILs as FB friends. If they ask, I've always said that I don't use it. Sure, it's a lie, but I'm not interesting in their day to day drama. I get enough of that when I see them at holiday dinners.

    My basic rule of FB is that it is a electronic support network, just like a support network is IRL. So, if you aren't a supportive person to me IRL, then there is no reason that I need to have you in my FB friends list.

    This thought is often rather flame worthy on the nest, but it works for me.

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • imageKateLouise:

    I have friends and family there. It sucks having in-laws on there because sometimes I want to have some "me space".

    I also have a number of colleagues, so really although I use facebook for socialising I'm also very "appropriate" about what I put out there,

    My only rule is in regards to my students. I'm a high school teacher and students often try to "friend" me. So my rule is no current students. Once they have left school and are grown-ups that's fine, but before that I keep it as adult space.

    I just ignore their requests and if they ask me about it in class, I explain my no current students rule. never had any problems. 

    My situation is somewhat similar in that I work in mental health. That's why I use a 'version' of my real name, and not the full real name - I don't want my clients to find me. And as to the ILs, I guess it's like what someone else said - I like the idea of some "me" space. While I love my ILs and strongly believe that I got superlucky not only with my H but also with them, I do need some separation and some space.
  • imageZestofLime:

    I don't have my ILs as FB friends. If they ask, I've always said that I don't use it. Sure, it's a lie, but I'm not interesting in their day to day drama. I get enough of that when I see them at holiday dinners.

    My basic rule of FB is that it is a electronic support network, just like a support network is IRL. So, if you aren't a supportive person to me IRL, then there is no reason that I need to have you in my FB friends list.

    This thought is often rather flame worthy on the nest, but it works for me.

    I actually really like that. For me, my friends that I have on FB are totally non-judgmental and very supportive. I like that and I need it in my life. My ILs, particularly my SIL, while I like them a lot and really appreciate how wonderful they are, can sometimes be a bit challenging (as in her question about my not having my dad and sister friended) and feel like dares.

    MIL's asked questions of that sort in the past, too, and while at the minute I can remind myself that it's not coming from a place of anger or negativity, it's rare enough that I don't see it as a big deal (plus it's just how they are... to everyone. So I don't take it personally, or at least I try not to). If they were my FB friends, I feel it would happen a lot more often and I'd rather not experience that in my "fun" part of my online life. That's not why I have FB.

  • imageEastCoastBride:
    imageootmother2:

    I just haven't decided if FB is for the older generation or not 

    I'm 40 and most of my friends are in their late 30's/ early 40's and we're all on FB.  ;) 
    I'm 42 and most of my friends are in the same range as yours.

    To the OP - I'm friends w/ many of my IL's, but not my FIL.  I actually hope he never friends me.  That's jsut a level of information I dont' want him to have (he likes to ask lots and lots of questions and can sometimes get a little invasive).
    Yeah, that's actually quite similar to my SIL and MIL. Mostly SIL. She's great and all, and I really like her, but she does tend to ask questions that are NOHB and get a bit know-it-all-y about certain things. So I'd rather just avoid that.

    I actually will sometimes go through and delete people who I haven't heard from, never post, and/or never respond to anything I write. 
    Hm. I should do that. Thanks for the tip. :)

    I like FB but I like it to actually keep in touch w/ people on some level.  Old coworkers, though,  I keep no matter what. You never konw when they could be a resource. 
    That's for sure! I'll keep that in mind. Thanks! :)
  • I am on FB and a number of my ILS (SIL, etc.) are too.  I am friends with them, but only after they friended me.  I had no problems with any of them being my FB friend, but wanted them to feel safe to "keep their distance" from me if that was their choice. 

    I have a number of relatives on FB (siblings, cousins), but not my mom, dad, etc.  I would not want them knowing things I was doing - not even that I was drinking, but I like some privacy! 

    I have an aunt who I know is on FB.  If she friended me, I would accept the friend request, but would put limits - I wouldn't allow her to post on my board or get updates.  I would only allow her to see my photos.  I love her, but she is a huge drama queen, and I don't want involvements in the drama.  I am thinking you could do the same with your ILS.

  • I am only friends with family & actual friends.  I dont have a "policy" but I am not FB friends with people who I know but do not really speak with.  There is no way I'd have hundreds and hundreds of "friends".  I think my account has 30 or so friends.
  • I dreaded waiting to be "friended" and when it happened, everything that I thought would go bad did.  I would not repeat it again.

    Eventually I closed my account altogether. 

    I think you handled it perfectly. 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • all my family and il's are on fb. i am friends with all of them. it's really nice to be able to see pictures of everyone that live in different states. we have 6 nieces and nephews...none live in our state. we see the latest pictures on fb.

    i don't think it is weird. i guess my only rule, like pp, is that i know the person irl before being a "friend" on fb.

    but, i do have 1000+ friends... so maybe my advise isn't the best. fb started for me my freshman year of college...it was a lot different then. i've never deleted people.

  • When I was on good terms with my ILs, I did have them on facebook.  If you're worried about hurting their feelings because you have a good relationship with them, you can friend them and then put them on limited profile so they can't see all your statuses or pictures.  I do have one IL left on my facebook and I sometimes block him from seeing certain updates I post.
  • I am FB friends with my parents, my ILs, my SIL, my husband's aunts, cousins, and grandmother!  I have an excellent relationship with everyone in my husband's family, so I was happy to add them when they requested me.  (A couple of his aunts, whom I hadn't met until our wedding, friended me a few weeks prior to the wedding so they could see who their nephew was hitching his wagon to!  I knew that's what they were up to, but considering I keep my FB parent-appropriate, I figured it was fine with me.)

     

    I only friend people I know in real life.  I don't have any current coworkers on my friends list because, quite frankly, there's only one coworker I have hung out with outside of work, and I'm not interested in sharing that with them.  (They are all friends with each other on FB.)  I had several coworkers from my last job as friends while I still worked there, but many of us got together after work frequently, so it seemed ok to me to add them.

     

    It's entirely up to you what level you want your ILs in your life, real and virtual.  My H's family is spread all over the country, and FB has proven to be a great way to keep them all in the loop and keep in touch.  But I'll be honest - until my ILs started friending me and THEN friended my parents, I had no intention of ever friending them!  I figured I couldn't be my MIL's friend not my own mother's!  Oh well.  

  • I have friends and family and occasionally I do have to sensor myself but I think they all understand that FB is pretty much a free forum and they get what they get.
    [IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/21j0fuw.jpg[/IMG]
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards