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How to keep FIL off my property? (long)

We had is fam over for xmas and FIL decided to verbally attack me, screaming, shouting and the whole bit. He's always been a jerk and has always had a sick need to help people, even when they tell him no (multiple times). Since then, I have never felt safe in my living room (my heart starts racing and I get really angry). DH tried to stop him, but he was told to back off, so DH backed off. MIL and SIL sat there and watched the whole thing without doing anything (except MIL started crying).

SO - MIL calls a few days later, talks to DH then FIL (who never uses the phone) talks to DH, demanding that I apologize to him. WTH?

Now, DH and I were thinking about TTC, then this happened and now I do not want to have kids as long as his dad is still around. His parents live 1/2 hr away, so they're 'close' in proximity. I do not want my kid to have anything to do with them, and DH thinks I should apologize. So, first, I'm thinking of a way to tell him I'm no longer in the baby business.

Second of all, DH thinks we should still be nice and invite them over next time there's a function. I F-ING WAY! I say, but he thinks it's ok. Let me get this straight - his dad is allowed to come into MY home and SCREAM at ME and not allow DH to stand up for me, and THEN I'm supposed to act like nothing happened and 'play nice'? I feel I have a right to deny anyone access to my home since my name is also on the deed. I have a right to not allow anyone to do that to me ever, and I have a right to have a husband who has the balls to protect me, in our home. So, second of all, what can I do to make sure FIL never comes onto my property again?

In a fit of anger about this, I told DH that under no circumstances was he to allow his dad back into this house, and if he does, I'll call a lawyer so fast his head will spin. It's been a couple of weeks later, and I still feel that way. Otherwise, DH is great and I love him very much, I just REALLY hate his dad and do not want to have kids to add to the 'they're not seeing the grandparents' drama.

My parents live in a different state, so the kid will have one set of grandparents they can see once or twice a year.

Sorry for the long post, but I feel I still need to vent and I want to know what I can do if FIL shows up on the doorstep. Can I call the police to remove him? He's a stubborn SOB and if it happens he won't leave if I tell him to. I want to be prepared and have a plan. This thing has traumatized me so much that I'm prepared to split w/ DH if he sides w/ his dad on this.

Is it wicked of me to want to wait until FIL is dead to have kids?

Adding backstory: FIL keeps offering help which is not needed and does not take no for an answer. DH will not firmly tell him to back off. FIL's own house is falling apart and will not take care of it or MIL (i.e. does not even run the furnace in the winter and will not replace broken stuff). At xmas, I was busy with setting stuff out and putting stuff away and letting the dog out and when I got back in, FIL blasted me out of the blue about how he does all this stuff for us (which he doesn't, since I don't allow it) and how I should respect him, etc. etc. Took all of us by surprise. I did not raise my voice or try to argue w/ the crazy. MIL started crying, DH spoke up and FIL screams at him to stay out of it and DH backs off. They leave, SIL says later why doesn't he do that to the loser BIL (DH's other sis & her husband weren't there). I'm wondering WTH did I do and very shaken. DH & SIL think I didn't offer him a drink when they came in. I admitted I was distracted and DH could have offered the drink. Still, wth?

Re: How to keep FIL off my property? (long)

  • imageengr_tam:

     This thing has traumatized me so much that I'm prepared to split w/ DH if he sides w/ his dad on this.

    This is the correct decision. Does your H really understand this? Have you said this directly to him, no hinting, just flat out?

     

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • You have a HUGE F*ING problem on your hands, and it's not your FIL.

    Your husband allowed your FIL to scream at you in your own home?  And thinks its ok that he comes back?  And that YOU apologize? 

    I'm guessing that FIL wanted to help you, you said no, and a fight started.  That is just not cool.

    I would tell your H that either you get marriage counseling to deal with the issue of his dad, or he moves out and you have a trial separation.  Honestly, there is no way to say "I am serious about this" except with the help of a counseor or by ending your marriage."  Why would you want to be married to a man who wants you to "play nice" with a man who is abusive?  Your only hope for this marriage is if your H has been abused his whole life and doesn't recognize how crazy his dad is - - and that's if he agrees to counseling. 

    In no way should you even consider having kids at this time.  I would tell H unless you resolve the issues that you have with his dad, your marriage is not strong enough to handle a baby.  And remember - if you have a baby and divorce H, he can bring the kid around his dad whenever he wants unless his dad actually hits the baby.

    Yes, if your FIL shows up, call the police and have him removed, and get a restraining order.  Then he will "get it" that he's not welcome.  But you are on a slippery slope if it's a-ok with DH.  Your FIL can also say that he is welcome in your home.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • imageZestofLime:
    imageengr_tam:

     This thing has traumatized me so much that I'm prepared to split w/ DH if he sides w/ his dad on this.

    This is the correct decision. Does your H really understand this? Have you said this directly to him, no hinting, just flat out?

     

    I have offered to leave the relationship, but DH doesn't want me to leave. He's one of those people who wants everyone to get along, but doesn't realize that's not how the world works. I have been seeing a counselor by myself and she wants him to come in now, but I doubt he'll do it. I asked him last week, but he shrugged it off.

  • imageWahoo:

    I'm guessing that FIL wanted to help you, you said no, and a fight started.  That is just not cool.

    That's exactly why I didn't get along with him in the first place. He's been asking to help us on stuff we don't need. We keep telling him no. His own house is falling apart and MIL desperately wants to fix stuff in their house but he won't do it. Obviously, she won't stand up to him, which is why he gets away with yelling at people in the first place. Apparently I'm the first one to stand up to the idiot. I'm not subjecting a kid to that. I also put locks on the fence recently (while we were at work one day, FIL decided to show his brother around our house, including getting into our fenced in backyard). Thank god he doesn't have a key!

  • If your H doesn't want you to leave, then he needs to grow a set of balls and tell his father that his wife is more important.

    The fact that he doesn't want to go to counseling with you is not a good sign.

    Ask yourself honestly - what is in it for you to stay in this marriage? Are you getting anything out of it?

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • RE: thinking of a way to tell your husband you're no longer wanting to conceive: "Bill, after you allowed your father to verbally attack me, still think it's fine to let him come visit, and expect ME to apologize to HIM to make nice, I have serious doubts about being married to you.  I am not having children with you unless and until this is resolved.  I love you very much and I am willing to try to work through this with you in counseling and I will do my part to work on this marriage.  However, as much as I love you I cannot be in a marriage where my feelings and my right to feel comfortable in my own home comes second to your desire to "keep the peace".  You are not keeping the peace.  You are creating a big problem with me in order to make nice with your dad, and the fact that you think that's okay is something I cannot live with."

    I think you need to lay it all out, that this is a serious issue and that you are not willing to have kids with him and are prepared to leave him if he continues.  And I also think you need to be extremely clear that it's not about your FIL, it's about him.  When it comes right down to it, your FIL yelling at you would not be an issue for your marriage if your husband had reacted appropriately- stopping him, defending you, requiring an apology to you and feel comfortable that it wouldn't happen again before he would have him back in the house.  Neither of you would have been happy, surely there would have been continuing unhappiness with your FIL, but you both would have felt secure in your marriage and your partnership.  The fact that he was okay with throwing his spouse under the bus to placate his father caused problems in your marriage, and that's the issue he can control and that he needs to work on.  

  • I think I need to hear more backstory of what led up to the verbal fight. Iam not saying you deserved it, but why did he attack you and why is your DH appearing to take his side (what should you apologize for? being yelled at?) 
    image
  • I am going to advocate counseling no matter what.  My DH and I have a terrible relationship with our in-laws which has resulted in our no longer having them in our lives.  Though my DH has actually always had my back so much damage had been done to us as a couple by the time that we disengaged that we truly needed it. I totally relate to that feeling of not being able to go into your living room, as I cannot look at my wedding pictures.  Seriously, counseling with or without him.  You cant let your anger eat you regardless of how this plays out. 
  • imageengr_tam:
     Let me get this straight - his dad is allowed to come into MY home and SCREAM at ME and not allow DH to stand up for me, and THEN I'm supposed to act like nothing happened and 'play nice'?

    Short of holding a gun to your husband's head, there is NOTHING your FIL could have done to prevent your DH from standing up for you.  

    Your husband failed -- utterly failed -- to stand by his spouse, assert his ownership over his own space and refuse to be bullied by his father.   He is not ready to be a parent, because he has failed to deal with his own childhood issues with his father.

    Until he is ready to be an adult, he is not capable of being your true partner. 

  • imageMrsW101109:
    I think I need to hear more backstory of what led up to the verbal fight. Iam not saying you deserved it, but why did he attack you and why is your DH appearing to take his side (what should you apologize for? being yelled at?) 

     Me too.  I think there might be more to this story.  

    Until you are happy with who you are, you will never be happy with what you have.
  • I'll be the one to ask the obvious question-Why did you think this would change once you got married? Your H didn't just lose his balls once you got the rings on, and I'm sure your FIL wasn't all puppies and rainbows before that same day. So, what made you think your H would suddenly be able to stand up to his father? What made you think FIL would treat you any different than he treated everyone else?

    If your H isn't willing to go to counseling with you, his issue with his dad is never going to be resolved, and you will always come in second to his preference of sticking his head in the sand and pretending everything is peachy.

    I'd be packing my bags. 

    [IMG]http://i52.tinypic.com/mmbdis.jpg[/IMG]
    [IMG]http://i43.tinypic.com/t6xkxy.jpg[/IMG]
  • imageMrsW101109:
    I think I need to hear more backstory of what led up to the verbal fight. Iam not saying you deserved it, but why did he attack you and why is your DH appearing to take his side (what should you apologize for? being yelled at?) 
    First, ditto the above.

    Second, you "offered" to leave?  What does that mean?  THis isn't something you offer.  This is something YOU decide to do for yourself.

    Then, assuming your FIL is really this horrid and that the backstory would back this up:

    Third, ditto Mrs.Ginger - your DH needs to realize that this isn't keeping the peace.  This is stomping all over you and disregarding you entirely.  This will only create deep and larger problems in your marriage.

    Taking yoru post at face value, you have a HUGE DH problem.  HUGE.  His daddy's feelings matter more to him than yours.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • I don't get that your DH was told to back off and he obeys. Who told him? Seriously, if your H is going to stand by and let ANYONE scream at his wife then he is no man to have children with or sleep with let alone live together.

    If FIL shows up at the door call 911. You do not have to open the door and you certainly do not have to have another opportunity to allow crazy in your house. Get prepared to leave your H.

    Hope your therapy is helping. Your H must not realize how serious this is for him to refuse to go with you.

    It would be a cold day in hell before I spread my legs for a man who didn't step up.

    I do feel bad you were screamed at and I know it was scary. Good luck.

  • imageMrs.Rad888:

    I'll be the one to ask the obvious question-Why did you think this would change once you got married? Your H didn't just lose his balls once you got the rings on, and I'm sure your FIL wasn't all puppies and rainbows before that same day. So, what made you think your H would suddenly be able to stand up to his father? What made you think FIL would treat you any different than he treated everyone else?

    If your H isn't willing to go to counseling with you, his issue with his dad is never going to be resolved, and you will always come in second to his preference of sticking his head in the sand and pretending everything is peachy.

    I'd be packing my bags. 

    DH and I were together for about 3 years before we got married and I had no idea FIL would ever do anything like scream at people like that. I thought we already had made it clear to FIL that he was not to offer help (it's very annoying, like repeating it several times in one conversation after we keep saying NO). I thought his parents were nice (but annoying) people before this all happened.

  • Firstly ditto everyone else, this is a huge DH issues. I mean seriously DH screamed at you and he just went, "oh well dad told me not to stand up for you, so I'll just hang out and twiddle my thumbs."?

    But secondly, I'm not sure I understand why him offering help is such a big deal. yeah I get it's annoying to repeat yourself, but you actually told him to no longer offer help? I'd like to know how that conversation went down.

    "So FIL when you offer help; because you like to help out, get involved and because you care about us, and helping out lets you feel like you're apart of our lives, we don't like it. In fact we find you offering help so aggravating we don't want you to offer help EVER. No matter how great your expertise we have everything all sewn up, ALWAYS. So kindly keep all offers of help to yourself."??

    Beyond the incident of screaming the only thing you complain about is his offering help.

    It's almost impossible for me to leave my mother's house with a food parcel. She always starts handing me food out of her fridge, or makes us a packed lunch or dinner when we leave. Sometimes it's annoying because we need to leave quickly. Sometimes it feels like she thinks we're starving. But you know what, she likes to feed us. It's her way of mothering us, even though everyone knows we're perfectly capable of feeding ourselves. I accept her food with gratitude and good grace.

    So I'm with the pp, I want to know more about the backstory on this one. 

    [IMG]http://i55.tinypic.com/213pzit.jpg[/IMG]
    Elizabeth 3yrs old Jane 1yr old
  • You need to leave or kick your husband out.  He has the emotional maturity of a naughty little boy not of a husband.  PP was right.  Just because his dad told him to back off, that doesn't mean he had to. Personally, I would be disgusted if my H did that, I don't know if I would be able to see him in the same light again.  There is also no way I would have children with him either.  If he will let you be verbally abused then he will let your children be abused too, make no mistake about it. 

    You need to stop focusing your anger on your FIL and put it on your H.  Your husband is the one who made vows to you, not your FIL.  Stop worrying so much about your home and calling the cops and start thinking about contacting an attorney. 

  • "is it wicked of me to wait unti FIL is dead to have kids?"

    um, not if you think he's going to die very soon.

     

    Other than that, I ditto PPs

  • dh refusing counseling when it is very much needed = grounds for separation, probably divorce, in my opinion.

    this is a huge problem.  he needs to grow some balls and learn how to set healthy boundaries with his verbally abusive father.  

    tell him he is coming to counseling with you from now on or he can move back in with his parents, see how he likes freezing his ass off.   

    image
    Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
  • imageengr_tam:
    imageZestofLime:
    imageengr_tam:

     This thing has traumatized me so much that I'm prepared to split w/ DH if he sides w/ his dad on this.

    This is the correct decision. Does your H really understand this? Have you said this directly to him, no hinting, just flat out?

     

    I have offered to leave the relationship, but DH doesn't want me to leave. He's one of those people who wants everyone to get along, but doesn't realize that's not how the world works. I have been seeing a counselor by myself and she wants him to come in now, but I doubt he'll do it. I asked him last week, but he shrugged it off.

    Offered to leave? Is that like asking permission? Because that's not what adult women do.

    Your DH has to make a choice for his marriage or against it. Moving out will give him clarity. See a lawyer for advice on how to procede and then walk.

     

  • imageootmother2:

    "is it wicked of me to wait unti FIL is dead to have kids?"

    um, not if you think he's going to die very soon.

     

    Other than that, I ditto PPs

    How is your FIL dying going to give your H a set of balls?

    It sounds to me like your H has already made his choice, you just don't want to follow through on your half-assed "Mother, may I leave" ultimatum. All that does is teach your H that you talk the talk but you don't walk the walk, so his behavior regarding his father versus his wife will never change.

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • Ok, I was in a very similar situation-- not only would my FIL and I go at it (I don't take things sitting down) but he was a depressed alkie and often talked about comitting sucided TO US!  Since it is DHs dad making the decision to end the relationship is a big deal, but the one question was- does DH agree that FIL is out of line? If he doesn't that's a big problem.

    I wouldn't apologize but it sounds like FIL wants some serious recognition for something- that's a FIL/DH issue. My FIL also had serious trouble letting my DH go- so FIL would put the blame on me- apparently I stole his son from him.

    I wouldn't hold your breath for an apology and I wouldn't give one either. I would let things blow over a bit and give it another cautious try, this isn't just one of DHs good friends- it's his family as dysfunctional as they all are. Either way you need to have a serious conversation with DH to see if he really, fully understands the reason why your so pissed. To him that's "just the way he is" and he accepts that and doesn't try to rub him the wrong way.

    Good Luck! The only way we got my FIL out of our life is he kicked the bucket on our honeymoon.

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  • I don't understand why it is a big deal for him to offer to help.  You are on the same side of this stuation that my ex husband was.  Not only was my ex husband completely incapable of starting or finishing any project around the house, when he did he usually fucked it up or forgot something crucial.   I became used to taking Monday off after he had a project and getting our handyman to come over and fix it so H wouldn't know.  My father used to be a general contractor, among other things, he could have helped us fix or repair just about anything we needed.  We had a window at the bottom of the stairs that needed to be replaced:

     

    Cost of New Window:  500

    Cost of Materials:  100

    ER Co-pay for exH to get stitches and tetnus shot: (150)

    Cost of hiring contractor to finish project because he absolutely refused to get my dad to help :  350

     Cost of divorce:  Best 147 I ever spent.

     

    I just never ever understood why he was so resentful that we had a person who lived twenty minutes away, who was always willing to help ,but was never intrustive about it, but instead of seeing that as a good thing it infuriated him.  His parent's lived two hours away, he would let his dad come and help him fix something, they would half ass it because they wouldn't buy the proper tool.  (Why buy the proper tool when you can buy a 2.99 piece of *** that will require us to get the floors completely redone when you are finished, at that moment it was more important to save 17 bucks on the tool.)  Once his dad left we would have to find some way to fix the damage which usually ended up with me trying to convince him that everything is fine and then frantically repairing it behind his back.   Ironic part though, his parent's always hired people to get stuff completed in their own house.

     

    ETA:  To address your actual question, what kinds of things is your FIL offering to help with, are they things you could generally need help accomplishing and why does him offering help bother you?  Is it just because you would rather do it on your own, because you don't want to spend time with him, etc.?  You husband has probably spent his entire life cow-towing to his father's whims and that is not going to go away just because he got married.  Your presence in his life will not magically make him stronger, more protective, or more able to tell his father know.  For your part, make sure you aren't saying no, just to be saying no.  There is a happy medium here.  Counseling is in order here and if your DH won't go, then you do have a big issue on your hands. 

  • imagezitiqueen:
    imageootmother2:

    "is it wicked of me to wait unti FIL is dead to have kids?"

    um, not if you think he's going to die very soon.

     

    Other than that, I ditto PPs

    How is your FIL dying going to give your H a set of balls?

    It sounds to me like your H has already made his choice, you just don't want to follow through on your half-assed "Mother, may I leave" ultimatum. All that does is teach your H that you talk the talk but you don't walk the walk, so his behavior regarding his father versus his wife will never change.

    It would be "wicked" to *have* kids with this spineless, balless poor excuse for a husband.

    Please triple up on birth control (if you are dumb enough to even let your H within two feet of you). Ziti is right, your H has made his choice, time for you to make yours and actually follow through with it.

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