My sister (she's 26) constantly makes poor decisions. She ran away from home at 17, and ever since then has bounced around from job to job and place to place. Early on when she left I know there were drugs and drinking involved, now she just smokes (cigarettes and pot). She and her husband just moved back in with our parents in September.
She just found out a couple of weeks ago that she's pregnant. She's trying to cut back on the cigarettes and I hope has cut out the pot, but I'm not supposed to know about that and she just gets angry whenever anyone questions her on anything so I haven't asked. She's on her second job since she moved home in September, though this one seems to be going well. My BIL is on his third job, but this one seems promising as well, and I'm very happy that at least this is going well for them. They're both good people, but they make really stupid decisions all of the time.
My issue is their latest decision on where to live. They've decided to get a place and have one of their friends move in. This guy was doing a roofing job with my BIL and they ended up not finishing the job on time because their friend got a DUI on the way to the job site and got arrested. This was not his first offense, and according to them, he's very irresponsible. My S and BIL were both complaining non-stop about this guy when he got arrested, and now they want to move in with him. Every apartment they've had they've shared with friends, and every single time it hasn't worked out.
I'm frustrated because this is just one example of the two of them making the same mistake over and over again. We all make mistakes, but you're supposed to learn from them. Now my sister's pregnant and is going to be getting a place with an alcoholic who likes to party all the time and is irresponsible (their words). I'm beyond stressing about how their mistakes effect them, but now they're bringing my future niece or nephew into a crappy situation.
If she asks me what I think, I intend to tell her, diplomatically, my opinion. I told my mom that if she moves in with this guy neither my husband nor I will help them move. I said that I have no intention of cutting them out of my life or refusing to visit, but that I am done enabling her poor decisions and helping her act them out. My mom thinks that since my sister won't listen to anyone this will just cause hurt feelings and friction in the family. My opinion is that at some point we all need to stop enabling her and practicing tough love, and that we need to do it NOW, before she has a kid so that hopefully she'll get some responsibility before the child comes. They have no savings, work part-time, have no health insurance, my BIL just last week passed his test for his GED (which I am very proud of him for and helped him study for), they're just not at all prepared for taking care of themselves, much less a child.
Am I picking the wrong hill to die on? Odds are that if I refuse to help them move in with this guy my sister and BIL be extremely pissed at me and possibly stop talking to me. I haven't put many details in here on her because I didn't want to make it even longer, but the past nine years have started with her trying to get my dad arrested on false charges of child abuse (and my younger brother was only 13 at the time, so it was a big deal) to now her and her husband living back home with many years of bad life decisions in between. I love her and my BIL and will never let them or my future niece or nephew be homeless, but I feel like I need to stop helping her make poor decisions. I've given her lots of money (over $1,000) in the past and enabled her in many ways, so I'm guilty like my parents are, even though I haven't done that for years. It sucks because I was so happy that my BIL got his GED, they both have jobs that are promising, they moved back in and are trying to save money and it looked like they were going to finally start to get on track, and now they're pregnant, going to move out of a stable home, and into one with an alcoholic.