Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Unseasonable expectations?

I posted a couple of days ago, and tried to take the advise of my advisors, only I'm having a little trouble with this one.  My MIL is kind of an absentee grandparent to my two children while an involved grandparent with my SIL kids.  With the claim that she wanted to spend time getting to know me and my children, my husband and I paid for my MIL and BIL to travel here from Jamaica.  She has been staying with my SIL, and has only seen my kids on Christmas Eve and one other day, she's been here almost two weeks and leaves on Tuesday.  Now she is asking my husband to take her upstate so that she may visit another grandchild.  She wants to leave on New Years Eve and this has become a drag out screaming match between my husband and myself being as I had told him I wanted a quiet New Years with just us because my mom recently passed away and I just want to be with him and the kids.  He feels that I should understand that his mother won't get another chance any time soon to see this other child.  The mother of said child refuses to travel down here as it is a 6-hr drive down.  I feel that my husband is being unreasonable and that it was completely insenstive of her to even ask him to leave on a holiday knowing that neither my children nor I could go even if we wanted to, which we don't.  My son has autistic tendincies and doesn't do well too far away from home for long periods of time.  (She has been told this) So am I giving my husband unnecessary grief and being unreasonable because I have never been a big fan of my MIL or am I justified in being totally pissed off?

Re: Unseasonable expectations?

  • If I paid for someone to come to my home, with the understanding that it was to visit me / my children, I wouldn not bring them to someone else's home.  ESPECIALLY if they hadn't spent time with my children as the visit was planned.

    I would have the parents of the other grandchild come and pick her up, or send bus fare. 

    Why can't your h stick her on a bus or train?  And have the other sibling pick her up at the bus / train depot?

    If she goes upstate, I would tell H it is the LAST time you are paying for her trip. 

  • I understand your anger at MIL, but I don't think you can pull the deceased mother card here.  Would you prefer to spend NYE with MIL?  If not, why does her trip (that you paid for and arranged) include NYE?  You should have thought of that one previously.

    Enjoy NYE with your kids and let your dh spend 12 hours driving round trip with his mom.  Hopefully he will realize what a PITA it is and not want to make the trip another time. 

  • I have to agree w/ both of the previous posters.  Yes, I'd be upset at the basics of your situation w/ him driving her up there.  Absolutely.

    However, you're being hypocritical. You want a quiet NYE at home w/ your son and DH, but yet you invited her to come stay w/ you all over NYE...???

    You can't have it both ways.  At this point, you really are looking for things to be upset about her over.  I've done this myself.  IT's easy to get caught up in it.  WIth me, my DH finally said something to me that made me realize I had gone too far, and I realized I was a "victim" of (what I call) The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf Syndrome".

    You whine and b1tch about everything about your MIL?  One day your DH is going to stop caring, is going to stop hearing you.  Then one day she will do something that really IS an issue, and by then, your DH is simply not going to care because he will feel that his mom can't do anything right in your eyes - so what's the point? 

    You've got to back away from this. 

    And one thing I will put out there, because I"m sure this is a part of it - you say your son has autistic tendencies.  I'm sure, and I think you know this, this is part of the reason why your MIL isn't as interested in knowing him as she is your SIL's kids. 

    It sucks- I get it.  You don't want your son to be treated differently.  I do get that.  But I also get the other side- people are afraid of what they don't know about.  If your MIL has never been exposed to children like this, she isn't going to be comfortable w/ your son. And she may not know how to become comfortable. She may not know what to ask to learn more about him.

    As defensive as you are about her in general, I actually have to wonder how you would respond to her if she ever did try to learn about him and his issues.  I have to wonder if you'd be open and say "Thanks for asking - here's what might help you understand him", or if you would get annoyed and let it be pretty obvious that you think "I can't believe she would ask this!!!!".

    Sit back and think about it. Be honest w/ yourself.  You admit yourself that you've never been fond of her.  Well before your son was ever born, your lack of fondness for her, your issues w/ her, etc, may have been pretty obvious to her.  And now - she just doesn't think it's worth it to even try.

    Again, sit back and think about it and be honest w/ yourself.  This is where you have to start if you ever want to get to a better place w/ her. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • I think your MIL just used your Dh to pay for her ticket. I don't think it was just about visiting him and his family. And I don't think your MIL feels bad about that, in fact she's feeling entitled to have her son pay her (and son's) way for a "family" visit.

    So, she doesn't think she's failed you or the grandkids on the visit.

    To me, none of this is worth screaming at my DH about. He thinks its okay to dirve all over the state for his mom while she skips any quality time with his own kids/wife? So be it. I would PAVE THE WAY. Because DH is going to see the light a loit quicker without me pointing it out. 

    A LOT quicker. 

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • The trip was paid for by my husband and myself but as previously stated she is staying with my SIL, not with us. 
  • Forgive my ignorance for asking this, but does "autistic tendencies" mean he has an actual diagnosis of autism?
    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • I have two children, my daughter has not tendencies of any kind, so while I would probably have agreed if my son was an only child, that does not apply here.  The reason I have to dislike her is on her end, not mine.  She has ALWAYS been rude to me, ALWAYS.  I have no reason to provoke it, because her issue with me is stupid.  She wanted her son to marry someone who was Jamaican, and I'm Puerto Rican.  That's our issue. 
  • During his first years in school my son was put in a class-within-a-class setting as large groups of people tend to upset him  He has a need for consistency as a rule.  He needs to do certain things at certain times or he can't seem to move past the fact that it hasn't been done.  He has seen numerous doctors who tell me "there's something going on there".  He has been tested for Autism, ADHD, and Processing Disorders.  While he meets certain criteria for all, he has none of the major factors for any, but leans mostly towards autism.  I do not feel he has autism, but yes the doctors and I all see the tendencies he has. 
  • image jrevra:
    During his first years in school my son was put in a class-within-a-class setting as large groups of people tend to upset him  He has a need for consistency as a rule.  He needs to do certain things at certain times or he can't seem to move past the fact that it hasn't been done.  He has seen numerous doctors who tell me "there's something going on there".  He has been tested for Autism, ADHD, and Processing Disorders.  While he meets certain criteria for all, he has none of the major factors for any, but leans mostly towards autism.  I do not feel he has autism, but yes the doctors and I all see the tendencies he has. 

    Not really related to your original post, but have you looked into Aspergers? 

    Just another day in never never land. Photobucket
  • image jrevra:
    During his first years in school my son was put in a class-within-a-class setting as large groups of people tend to upset him  He has a need for consistency as a rule.  He needs to do certain things at certain times or he can't seem to move past the fact that it hasn't been done.  He has seen numerous doctors who tell me "there's something going on there".  He has been tested for Autism, ADHD, and Processing Disorders.  While he meets certain criteria for all, he has none of the major factors for any, but leans mostly towards autism.  I do not feel he has autism, but yes the doctors and I all see the tendencies he has. 

    Not really related to your original post, but have you looked into Aspergers? 

    Just another day in never never land. Photobucket
  • image jrevra:
    During his first years in school my son was put in a class-within-a-class setting as large groups of people tend to upset him  He has a need for consistency as a rule.  He needs to do certain things at certain times or he can't seem to move past the fact that it hasn't been done.  He has seen numerous doctors who tell me "there's something going on there".  He has been tested for Autism, ADHD, and Processing Disorders.  While he meets certain criteria for all, he has none of the major factors for any, but leans mostly towards autism.  I do not feel he has autism, but yes the doctors and I all see the tendencies he has. 

    Not really related to your original post, but have you looked into Aspergers? 

    Just another day in never never land. Photobucket
  • Yes, the neurologist visited Aspergers and had the teachers and myself fill out questionaires.  BOTH questionaires gave a negative response.  It is quite frustrating to not be able to point to something and say "that's the problem".  He is such a smart little boy.  His memory astounds people.  He has gotten 100 on every spelling test that he has had this entire year and most of last year in first grade.  His first grade teacher had to give him a standardized test and it took two days for him to finish it, while others two hours.  He has trouble staying on topic, but his score revealed one of the highest two in his class.  Recently his occupation therapist has discovered he does well with a weighted vest, so we are going to see if this will keep his attention.  I feel bad taking him to all these different doctors to have tests done, but "there's something going on there" and not being able to know what it is keeps me going back to the doctors. 
  • Your son is entitled to a complete multifactored evaluation in all areas of disability from your school district. This means you write a letter and they have a team of psychologists, SLPs, OTs, PTs and teachers do a complete workup on him. It absolutely must include and interview with and observation with the child- this isn't something to be dx'd by a second hand observation of a mom (who may or may not be an accurate reporter) or a teacher who may not be observing during critical unstructured times.

    Ideally a child suspected of Aspergers should also see a developmental pediatrician. A neurologist can dx, but a dev ped is the expert in looking holistically at the child.

    You have described a child with Aspergers to a tee. And while a weighted vest can offer some symptomatic relief, it will do nothing to teach him the skills needed to cope with crowds or self regulate. Your son needs an accurate classification and an IEP designed to teach him the skills he needs to be his best self.

    I hesitate to mention this, but I wonder if there is some subtle discrimination going on at school. Perhaps the chaotic situation in your home is being blamed for his issues rather than really determining the cause. I wouldn't discount racism either.

    http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/ss5601a2.htm

     

     

    .

  • My son has a full scope of professionals checking all aspects of his issues.  The school district has actually been wonderful.  He is technically not eligible to be in the class that he is in, but since the OT, Speech, and Special Ed teacher all voiced their concerns with putting him in a regular class he was left in his current program.  The class he is in has a SE teacher, a regular teacher, and an aide.  There are only 21 kids in his class, the limit being 24 children.  He has occuptional therapy and speech therapy, plus every child in the class is assigned a therapist.  Aspergers was taken off the table pretty early on.

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards