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MIL.... again....

So MIL found out.... not that I was actively trying to keep it from her.... about my "POSSIBLE" endometriosis.  And spent the entire morning after christmas crying and whining because now "She will NEVER have grandchildren".

H told her that we were not even actively TTC and that she just needs to relax.  AND that while he would like to have children one day, he feels like he doesn't NEED to have them to be happy.  AND that was it.

She freaked. 

Meanwhile.... I am feeling really defeated.  We ended up leaving to go to my mom's house.... who I might add.... had endometriosis and had no problems getting pregnant.... and she said that all the women in our family had that and they all were able to have children.  I'm concerned about it, but not really super concerned... at least not right now.

H did say he didn't want to talk about this with her and her behavior sure wasn't helping.  She said she was sorry.... but couldn't help it.

I just don't even want to ever see her again.  EVER.

I'm sorry this post is a little disjointed.... I'm just so annoyed and angry right now.

And this is just the "possible" endometriosis.....

I just really don't like her at all.... this combined with other things (life insurance policy on my deceased father reaction).... I just want nothing to do with her. 

H and I are in marriage counseling.... which is more like helping us to comunicate better... which is working.... but how do I tell him I hate his mother?  And I am sure if she didn't before she hates me now because I am "broken" incubator.  Sorry.... I really hate that woman.

I might be gone for a bit... but I will check back later to see your comments/advice or whatever you want to post...

Thanks for listening to me vent.... and for getting through this disconnected post.

Blog: Not to be Koi

Sara, Friend?
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glove slap. I don't take crap.

Re: MIL.... again....

  • Wow, I am really sorry.

    I remember the other story about when your father died. I think what is important for you is to remember that she is a VERY self-centered, selfish person. She appears to lack empathy. So her reactions to you are not going to be normal. She's too focused on how everything affects HER to have a normal, appropriate reaction.

    I am a stranger on the Internet who read your post, and what I glean from it is that you are experiencing symptoms that could be endometriosis. I know enough about it to guess that you are having pain or at the least discomfort. Plus it is scary to be feeling sick and not know yet what is wrong. It is also hard if the most likely diagnosis is one that is sometimes (not all the time) linked to infertility.

    But your MIL, who knows you, hears this and doesn't think about all of the things I listed that you are possibly going through right now, and goes to only how it will affect her. Same with your father and the insurance $.

    I completely understand why you hate her. I am so glad the marriage counseling is going well. I think that is a good forum to talk about this in--the counselor will be able to help you express how you are feeling about her (which is totally valid), and help him to see that your feelings are valid if he gets defensive of his mother.

    I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this. 

     

     

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  • I would not indulge her crying fits with attempts to console her, as your H did. She sounds like she could be mentally ill. Whatever her deal is, you two should just walk away when she starts. Tell her you're leaving because of her behavior, don't discuss, and then go.
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  • Why do you have to tell him that you hate her?
  • First, I'm very sorry that you are going through this. As a woman with a selfish, manipulative, inconsiderate MIL, and can kind of relate. You know that she is going to react completely inappropriate with anything that "affects" her. Can I ask how she found out about your possible endometriosis? And how did your DH react when she said that about not having grandchildren?

    It's unbelievable that she reacted that way and immediately said that she was so sad that SHE won't be able to have grandchildren. What about what you are going through and the pain you are in? She's so inconsiderate and completely irrational. I'm so sorry!

    Why do you feel that you need to tell your DH that you hate her? I'm not sure that's the best solution. I'm pretty sure that he knows how you feel, and I'm sure that he isn't too far off of that...but it's his mom. Maybe you guys can cut back on spending time with her? Or at least you not going along with him as often? She sounds like she is making your life very hard and putting a complete strain on your marriage.

    Good luck with everything...

  • I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know her reaction to other things you've mentioned, but why the eff is she worrying about herself in this situation?

    I wouldn't want to talk to her either. GL to you. 

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  • I am very sorry you are going through this.  Your MIL is awful and you need to bring up exactly how you feel to dh (preferably in marriage counseling).  I wanted to add, my mother had endemetriosis (sp?) and she conceived naturally my sister and I.  It is not an automatic infertility blanket, so don't get too concerned about that.

    Good luck to you!

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  • If it was me I would have been done with her a long time ago. 

    Who is telling her all this stuff anyways?  You both just need to stop talking to her about anything besides the weather. 

  • MIL found out because I started my period on christmas eve..... and on christmas day in the evening.... H and I had to leave there party because I was having such bad cramps I actually threw up in the bathroom.  H was outside the bathroom door asking if I was ok and if I thought it was the endometriosis..... she over heard it.

    As far as telling H that I hate his mom..... I more meant how do I tell DH that I don't want to see her, visit her, her visit us, talk to her, email.... ect..  I want nothing to do with her at this point.  Until she get's over herself, which will more than likely never happen..... I am just done.

    The infuriating part is that BIL and FIL feed right into her behavior.  She throws these tantrums and everyone rushes to make sure MIL is ok and gets what she wants.  And then sweeps it under the rug like nothing is wrong.  H used to be like this..... but since we have been together.... has put his foot down.... although we live far away so he does not see her like he used to.  We talk about this in marriage counseling.  H is doing really well at not putting up with her crap anymore, but a life time of manipulation from this woman has definately taken it's toll.  He feels like he has do be perfect... do everything the right way the first time around.... and then get's really upset with himself if he makes a mistake.

    The whole thing is just so fustrating.  I harbor this intense spike towards her and it is exhausting.

    Blog: Not to be Koi

    Sara, Friend?
    image
    glove slap. I don't take crap.
  • How did she find out?    You absolutely should have been trying to keep this from her.  

    I have PCOS, I love my mom and my MIL, and they STILL don't know I have it and we went through fertility treatments to conceive DS and now our current bun in the oven.    I didn't tell them because I didn't particularly want them to know our business, but also because I was worried about the overreaction factor from both.     It's not lying to them to not tell them the health issues that you may have.

    But, the horse is out of the barn and you can't change it.   But going forward, you need to limit the info she gets.   Your DH needs to be on board with that.   If he's the rat (Boston accent) then he needs to be plugged.   I'm not saying kill him, I'm saying instill the fear of God in him that you'll throw a bloody fit if he leaks anymore info to mommy.     If you think someone else is telling her, then that person needs to be cut off from having this information.  

    As for advice, I'd just talk about it in counseling and try to limit contact with her.   But I'd also suggest your DH not bring her up to you.   He shouldn't be running back to you with every whiny comment she makes.   He can keep it to himself.    So limit contact, keep information to a minimum and be frostily cordial any time you have to suffer her presence. 

  • The more you post about your MIL, the more I'm beginning to think she's a narcissist. She can't seem to look at any situation without somehow centering it around herself and her own wants/needs.

    I'm sorry about all of this. It must be so frustrating for you and your H. How did she find out about the possibility of endometriosis? I know you've said it's not a secret, but I wouldn't blame you guys if you had decided not to tell her. She doesn't exactly have a history of being sympathetic or supportive.

  • In this instance, you have nobody to blame but yourselves for your problems.  How fvcking stupid for your dh to say through the bathroom door "honey, are you ok?  Is it the ENDROMETRIOSIS?"   ("not that you were trying to keep it from her," ...why not? you know what she is like!) And then when she's crying about the possibility of not having grandchildren, your goes on and on feeding her "oh, we're not trying to TTC," "oh, we'll be happy even if we don't have kids." 

    When you invite drama, you get drama.  And that includes dh AND you.  I'm sorry to say I'm starting to think that you and DH are feeding into MILs sense of drama.  You dont' even have a diagnosis yet, yet your H is questioning your health for the whole house to hear?   His family seems to overhear A LOT of your personal business (this, plus your inheritance, plus your gift to your mom). 

    Do not tell your H you hate his mom.  You will never get anywhere, and he'll eventually think you are closed minded.  It is much better to keep your mouth shut and let your H figure out for himself that his mom is controlling and self-absorbed.  You CAN put boundries on what you will tolerate.  Let him spend all the time in the world with his mom, but limit your time with her.  Instead of saying "your mom is a controlling beeotch, I hate her," Say things like "I find the drama at your mom's house exhausting."   or "I don't feel comfortable sitting in that house while your mom demands money from us."

  • image SueBear:
     Do not tell your H you hate his mom.  You will never get anywhere, and he'll eventually think you are closed minded.  It is much better to keep your mouth shut and let your H figure out for himself that his mom is controlling and self-absorbed.  You CAN put boundries on what you will tolerate.  Let him spend all the time in the world with his mom, but limit your time with her.  Instead of saying "your mom is a controlling beeotch, I hate her," Say things like "I find the drama at your mom's house exhausting."   or "I don't feel comfortable sitting in that house while your mom demands money from us."

    This is good advice.  You can limit your contact with her without saying that you hate her.

    Your H needs to stop telling her ANYTHING about your lives.  When she says inappropriate things, instead of explaining things to her, he needs to just tell her, "This isn't about you."  I agree with the previous poster who said she might be a narcissist.  If that's the case, your relationship with her will never get better.  All you can do is protect yourself.

  • Could it be possible that your husband says these things on purpose.  This way he keeps his mom happy by feeding her info and you can't get mad at him for "accidently" letting the cat out of the bag.  It is just an odd thing to say, but what do I know.
  • When H asked if it was the endometriosis I was in the bathroom on the other side of the house where no one was.... like away from people.  He didn't really yell it down the hallway or anything.... my GUESS... is that MIL followed him back there.... she is an ease dropper since we don't talk to her about anything outside of small talk.... weather, ect... small talk.  So when she gets wind off something in our life.... she grabs on to it and makes it a big deal.

    I do see what you are saying though.... 

    Contact with her will be limited.... and probable nill for at least a couple of months.

    I will ask H at Marriage Counseling about him possibly "accidently"  tell her stuff on purpose.... although I really don't think he is. 

    Blog: Not to be Koi

    Sara, Friend?
    image
    glove slap. I don't take crap.
  • By the way what did you get her for Christmas ? 
  • image stw_77:
    By the way what did you get her for Christmas ? 

    A set of kitchen knives and a "new" christmas ornament to replace the one DH's Ex gave him that went "missing"..... apparent last year H took and threw it out.  He didn't tell me until a couple of days ago. 

    It was the ornament that MIL pointed out to me every year that an EX of H gave her.... and how everyone expected them to get married....  She really is crazy town....

    Blog: Not to be Koi

    Sara, Friend?
    image
    glove slap. I don't take crap.
  • image saraelizabeth28:

    A set of kitchen knives and a "new" christmas ornament to replace the one DH's Ex gave him that went "missing"..... apparent last year H took and threw it out.  He didn't tell me until a couple of days ago. 

    It was the ornament that MIL pointed out to me every year that an EX of H gave her.... and how everyone expected them to get married....  She really is crazy town....

    Oh my - THAT is you, too? 

    I have to say, at least your H is coming around.  At least he threw that thing out!

    I would appreciate the baby steps your H is taking.  I guess others would disagree with me, but I think he is making progress.  He threw out the ornament, you went to your parents home after this years episode.

    I'm not sure counseling is a place where you should accuse him of letting MIL know your secrets....try instead to focus on ways to keep your privacy.  For example, instead of saying "H, are you sure you're not telling MIL private information in order to keep her happy?"  I would ask the counselor for help keeping your private information private.  Ask H how he thinks she found out, if it is information that was only for your ears.  You will get further if he says "maybe she is spying on us," than if you TELL him "your mom sneaks around the house and spies on us," and he is less likely to think you are making things up.

  • I have had MANY MIL problems over the years and definitely dont come out and say you hate her to H, as this will prompt him to take defense.  I have learned this the hard way, but now with years of experience, I know exactly how to handle my situation with H/MIL and bad-mouthing is not the way to go.  Dont be afraid to stand up and say how situations make you feel (ie: when your mom said/did this it made me upset, worried, stressed, etc and make me uncomfortable to be around her) but dont say mean things directed at her (ie: she is a b***h, I hate her, etc).  It seems H wants to please you in this matter and is taking steps toward that, and trust me it takes time but the fact that he is willing to try is a huge step. You have to remember this is his M and even though you hate her, it is unlikely he will share those feelings and doesnt want to hear a lot of negativity about her.  Dont get me wrong, I despise my MIL more than I think anyone can, she has done very awful things to me, but her actions are not my H and as long as he defends me and stands up to her in any of those situations, that is what matters to me.  I assume he deep down knows my feelings for her, but I dont need to come out and say them knowing it would make him upset.  I remain polite for the sake of H and over the years hes learned he cant share details of pretty much anything with her.
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