Sex & Romance
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We really need help

I'm using an alias today as I have a very personal problem.  My marriage.  I'm terrified it's going down.  We have been married for 7 years.  We have 2 kids.  We've had a fairly good marriage most the time but ups and downs like most marriages.  But now I'm feeling really low.  We barely ever have sex.  It's maybe 6 times a year and maybe only 1 of those is good.  I had discovered my husband secretly watching porn about a year ago.  I was very angry only because of his lies about where he was and what he was doing.  I would not have had big issues if he admitted it to me but he kept lying.  He promised to stop after I complained that we don't even have sex nearly enough but he is obsessed with porn.  I never asked him to stop.  Well I keep finding it in secret spots.  I find porn things emailed to his secret email account.  I am very bothered because we basically have no sex life now and I feel like I cannot compete since he has his porn which is his priority.  He basically takes off work when he knows nobody is home and does his thing then.  and it's increasing.

I don't know what to do.  Our marriage is very boring.  He's not a good communicator and all he wants to do is eat out for fun.  I miss sex.  I miss closeness.  I've been missing it for years and feel deprived and don't want to live this way.  I suggested counseling but he doesn't see why we can't just work it out on our own.  Where do I go from here.  I'm feeling so low today.  I don't want our marriage to end.  what should I do?

Re: We really need help

  • Have you talked to him about it, like sat down and said you're afraid your marriage might fail because of the lack of intimacy (and not just physical intimacy)? Ask him what steps he thinks you two should take to work on it, and if you think his suggestions aren't sufficient, demand counseling. Honestly it's better to insist on counseling than just watch your marriage continue to fizzle. 
  • Have yo spoken to him about the porn and the lack of intimacy? If so what was the outcome? 

    IF he is a true porn addict (does nothing but watch porn, buys porn and it's ringing up a hefty tab, the porn itself is interfering with your sex life, to name 3) it's time to tell him "It's either the porn or our marriage. Choose NOW" and if he chooses the porn, time for you to go.

    It's interfering with his job -- he's home and watching porn when he should be at work? Sounds to me like he's got a porn addiction to me.

    I'd also drop into AlAnon. AlANon is for those who have loved one addicted to alcohol, but his problem is similar to that of an alcoholic. They can teach you how to cope with an addict and how to love an addict.

    That there's no intimacy and he won't work on that with you is reason enough to leave this guy.

  • You should really sit down and communicate with him. Find out what it is about the porn that he is so drawn to is it the excitement of it that makes him have to have it or does he feel like hes compensating for your lack of sex.

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  • What does he do when you try to initiate sex?  If you were to get naked and stand in front of him, would he turn you away?  I ask because there was a long period of time when DH and I weren't having sex.  He was thinking I didn't want it... and I was thinking the same for him.  You said there was a lack of communication.  Does he know how you feel?  Have you told him that you want to be more intimate and have more sex?  Is he choosing the porn because he wants to or because he just needs something?  If he is actually choosing the porn over being with you, then it is definitely a problem that needs professional counseling.  Just let him know how you feel without getting angry.  Let him know what you are thinking and hopefully the two of you can work it out.
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  • If you don't have a problem with the porn which is what it sounds like to me. Ask if he would mind you watching with him. Or maybe making one together. Sometimes you get in a rut and just need a little accelerant to get things fired up again.

    If you really think he has an addiction then y'all need to have a talk.

  • I don't see the porn as much of a problem as I see his lying about it and your knowing he has a secret email account (snooping?)  The trust in your marriage is seriously broken.  Do you ever intiate sex?  Have you ever thought of having a friend or relative watch the kids and trying to bring some romance back in your life?  I do little things for my husband all the time and it keeps us from being bored and now he has gotten into the game and does little things for me.  Just yesterday, I came home from a long day to find a nice dinner and flowers.  Try jumping into the shower with him and scrubbing his back.  Let him come home to a candle lit dinner and kids happily watching a video.  Let him come to bed and find you wearing a slinky nighty. Slip a little note in his lunch or coat that he'll find later.   Men LOVE these kinds of surprises. You guys have to put each other first once in a while.  How about watching a dirty movie with him?  Some of them are not gross, they can be romantic and very stimulating.  Communication is a two way street and he's right, you probably can work it out on your own--you just have to really make it a #1 priority.  Don't be down, sit down and make an action plan.  ALSO, you might want to look at yourself and see if you're giving yourself the "ME" time you need, which if you don't you can get burnt out.  Having two little ones is very taxing, but sometimes you have to be selfish and put yourself and your marriage first.  Trust me, they will be much better off for it.  I hope that helps.

    BJ

  • Not much else to be said on this but I would highly recommend a book called the Five Love Languages. It's amazing and if you can get your husband to go through the steps with you, it could be the beginning for some changes in your relationship. IMO, the sex won't happen unless everything else is working and this book is fantastic for helping you pinpoint and change the things you want to be different. Wishing you all the best.
  • My husband & I went to a discussion about the 5 Love Languages & I have to say that unless both of you are on board with it, it's a load of crap.  Now my husband uses his love language as a crutch & thinks of it as a joke.
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  • If your husband wants to work it out without a counselor and if he is truly serious about wanting to work on the relationship then there is a book that I have used to help open up discussions and understandings with each another.  The title sounds a bit weird, but it help my relationship get back on the right track by helping my husband understand what I needed from our relationship.  The book is called The PMS (Please Make Sense) Guide for Men.  Give the book a try.  I got it on Amazon.  Keep in mind that it will only work if your husband was serious when he said he would rather try to resolve the issues as a couple rather than with a counselor.
  • Get a porn video and while your hubby is watching tv, casually walk up and put the movie in... and start loving on him...  If he's into porn, maybe that will get him jump started...
  • I agree with all the ladies who said communication. I would start with talking about your feelings, needs, etc. Try not to sound accusing or he will probably tune you out. The porn is probably a hot topic right now so I would start with your intimacy concerns. Its not that the two aren't connected but maybe his porn "addiction" is just a symptom of the larger issue which is your intimacy. If you tackle that the other one might just go away on its own. Or, if you two are closer and he still has a porn problem it will be easier to talk about.

    Are there any situations that you find your husband is more inclined to be talkative?  My husband and I tend to have good conversations while we are driving for over an hour (visiting family, friends the next town over). Any situation you can think of where he is more relaxed/ inclined to talk would be a good time to bring it up. 

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  • Porn is not the worse thing in the world. Even though it seems to bother you alot.  I would find/buy porn that you may like and put it on and get some pointers. Once you see that it's not all degrading then you may even start watching it with your husband. Maybe bring a new/different spice to your bedroom. I am sure he wouldn't mind. While you are working on that also work on your self confidence. Get your hair, nails, feet and a facial done. Join a gym because once you learn some new moves you want to look and feel good about yourself using them. Get a new outfit somthing young, sexy an attention getter. Try a new hair color. Just because you are a mom doesn't mean you have to look like a old nag. Step it up a notch, if your neightbors notice how hot you are so will your husband.   Put your war paint on and fight for your marriage if you want it! Do somthing out of your comfort zone. Don't worry what your friends/family think do what makes you happy, if thats staying with your man. WATCH PORN!!!!!!!

  • First of all, you need to know that you are not alone and that your marriage does not have to end just because you're going through a very bad patch. I have heard that it's very common for things to get tough around year 7 of marriage. 

    I know some people on here disagree but I do think porn is very destructive to a person and to a relationship. For some reason he is seeking intimacy in that way rather than seeking it in you. You guys have got to find ways to become vulnerable and intimate with each other again--and not just physically. 

     There are many good books out there to help you start working through the situation, even if you have to do it by yourself for awhile. It has taken a long time for me to break the "blame" cycle with my husband and start taking responsibility for my own happiness. When he sees me doing good things for myself and the relationship (instead of nagging him) he starts to put in effort too. Counseling could be a HUGE help but it's very common for men with low self-esteem to feel even more threatened by that. The think of it as a sign of failure which lowers their self-esteem even more. Start small with the books and with taking care of yourself and talking to him lovingly and see where it goes from there. One book we liked was "Communication Miracles for Couples" by Johnathan Robinson.

    Good luck, I really feel for you. 

  • Wow, I had that problem with my first husband and the porn addiction is not healthy. The overly sneeking into his stuff may not be to healthy either, but his behavior may be causing this concern to do so. His lying is bad. What is important is that he said he wants to work it out as a couple. If he is telling the truth. The books other women have said are a great start and if he is not realy wanting to try and communicate and make a difference with you, than there is a bigger problem. When you have children and go through divorce it is very challenging at the least. Your husband can and may turn into your worst enemy in a battle that ends with no one winning emotionaly. If devorce does be the end case. Do your home work first. Do not tell him you are getting a divorce even if you are on a seperation trial period. Talk to a lawyer and perhaps hire a good one, figure out your finances and how you will survie and thrive with out him. If you do not trust him now. Do not trust him during a divorce.

    If he willingly works this out with you. That would be better. Good luck.

  • My husband and I dealt with porn addiction before our engagement. I had been snooping around his computer looking for details about a fufure ring and came across alot of porn.(i know I shouldn't have been snooping) I asked him about it and he opened up about it being an issue.I was hurt but knew he was going through alot of feelings and was scared of losing me. We came up with a plan and he began going to a private group with our church ( they don't advertise this group), he was able to talk openly about the shame & guilt with others who dealt with this issue. And we even put a program on his computer that sends me an email anytime he were to look up something pornographic that way he can be held accountable ( his idea suprisingly).

    Many people want to think that porn isn't a big deal but it can be. Communication is key and being honest about your feelings and asking tough questions will help you get to the bottom. Figure out why he feels like he needs porn, what the triggers are that make him seek it, etc. There was a study done a few years ago, that couples who waited out the period when they felt their marriage was falling apart and wanted divorce. Actually had better marriages within 3 to 5 years and claimed their marriage was better than it was in the beginning, just by sticking it out and working on it.

    Since there are children involved in your marriage, it's even more important to work through it and I would recommend speaking with a therapist together.

    And remember that you're beautiful and he loves you because sometimes porn can hurt your self esteem. Those women are unnatural looking because of digital and surgical operations.

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