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My DH doesn't find me attractive, what do I do?

Note: I had posted this in the "Trouble in Paradise" board and received reponses that I really appreciate. I am reposting it here as well because I think that this board might be more appropriate.

Greetings! I had to write a post because I have no one that I can talk to about this, and I just need to talk about it.

Last night, my husband told me that he doesn't find me attractive. He also said that he doesn't find anyone attractive (women, men, no-one). I'm not sure if he said that he doesn't find anyone attractive just to make me feel better, but of course it did not. I've always had a problem with self-esteem, and this comment did not help me at all. I don't think I'm unattractive. I am 5' 7'', 120 lbs. I have a 'sporty' body type, but I don't have any (or much) body fat. I exercise regularly and I try to dress nice. In fact, I always want to look nice for DH, so this comment really stung. I have no idea what I should do now. We barely ever have sex. He never touches me. We've been married 16 months now and sex only happens maybe just once a month, if not less, and it's been that way since the beginning. (Although before we were married, when it was sporadic like this, I just thought he was feeling guilty since our religion teaches no sex before marriage). I try to initiate it at times, and I just get turned down. This really influences my self esteem. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I try to buy sexy nightgowns, I've tried all sorts of things. I just feel like there is no passion in our marriage, there is definitely no sex. I feel like I'm living with a roommate. We are best friends, we get along, we have many of the same hobbies. But I don't want a best friend right now. I want a lover and a husband, who is both my passion and my best friend. I don't want to even consider divorce, but I am so dying to be desired by someone. I want to be loved and desired. I suggested that he go see a doctor, perhaps to be treated for low testosterone levels? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and if anything, thank you for listening.

Update:

When I mentioned him getting check out by a doctor, he seemed a little reluctant, but I think he is willing to try. I'm just hoping that it doesn't take him months to actually make an appointment. I'm just trying to take it one step at a time and exhaust each option one at a time before I start considering divorce.

 I do admit that hindsight is 20/20, and if he wasn't sexually driving before marriage then why did I hope that he would change? I don't regret marrying him, I love him, I just wish so bad that things were different. I asked him last night if he ever found me attractive, and he said that he did, but he didn't respond when I asked them how and when that changed. Then this morning he told me that he didn't mean to say that he doesn't find me attractive, and he was wrong. But I don't believe him, how can you take something like that back or just change your mind?

I really want to start having kids, but you have to have sex to get pregnant. Plus, I don't want to bring kids into a relationship like this.

Re: My DH doesn't find me attractive, what do I do?

  • I hate to say this, but have you considered that he might be gay?  Sounds like you never had much of a sex life with him, so he hasn't really changed.

    And the fact that he said he doesn't find any woman or any man attractive is really quite strange and telling...  I can't imagine why any heterosexual man would find it necessary to point out that he's not attracted to men.  That's a given, isn't it?

    I think you should go to counseling to figure out what the real issue is.  Sorry that you're facing this :(

  • Does he not find YOU attractive (ie. pretty, beautiful, etc.)  or is he not ATTRACTED to you?  Big difference.

    He could be gay.

    He could have a low sex drive for medical reasons.

    He could need counseling of his own because of perception or relationship/trust issues.

    He may be cheating.

    He may really just not be attracted to you and is realizing that he needs to change that.  A marriage shouldn't function without some level of attraction or enjoyment.  It is not a machine.

     

     

    You need counseling together.  You may need counseling of your own to figure out your own self-esteem issues.

    He needs to shoot straight with you and specify what exactly is being dealt with.

  • imagealewpanda:

    Does he not find YOU attractive (ie. pretty, beautiful, etc.)  or is he not ATTRACTED to you?  Big difference.

    He could be gay.

    He could have a low sex drive for medical reasons.

    He could need counseling of his own because of perception or relationship/trust issues.

    He may be cheating.

    He may really just not be attracted to you and is realizing that he needs to change that.  A marriage shouldn't function without some level of attraction or enjoyment.  It is not a machine.

     

     

    You need counseling together.  You may need counseling of your own to figure out your own self-esteem issues.

    He needs to shoot straight with you and specify what exactly is being dealt with.

     

    Sorry, just need to add.  He may have self-esteem issues of his own and be intimidated by the idea of your own beauty and/or being able to please you sexually.  Like I said, counseling would be a good starting point.

  • imagealewpanda:

    Does he not find YOU attractive (ie. pretty, beautiful, etc.)  or is he not ATTRACTED to you?  Big difference.

    He could be gay.

    He could have a low sex drive for medical reasons.

    He could need counseling of his own because of perception or relationship/trust issues.

    He may be cheating.

    He may really just not be attracted to you and is realizing that he needs to change that.  A marriage shouldn't function without some level of attraction or enjoyment.  It is not a machine.

     

     

    You need counseling together.  You may need counseling of your own to figure out your own self-esteem issues.

    He needs to shoot straight with you and specify what exactly is being dealt with.


    As I said on the other board, anything can be happening here -- and wow, what a way to word things! Either this H of yours is rude or he has no tact or social skills at all. You go and tell your wife you're not attracted to her and then you backpedal?

    The damage was already done.

    As I said: he could be asexual, gay, having an affair, have a medical problem (very slim possibility since he has consistently been like this) or he's decided he's not into sex and/or the sex department is closed for good.

    You need to sit him down and more or less have it out with him -- you need to lay it on the line that he needs to ante up more in the sex department; make that and a medical checkup a MUST or the marriage will not continue.

     If it is a case of low testosterone or a low thyroid, fixable.

    If it's not a health problem, he needs to work on this with you. You and he are supposed to be a team in every way and that includes all matters sexual.

    And if he refuses to work on this with you and/or refuses to see a doc, hang this up and get the marriage annulled. The lack of affection and intimacy outside the bedroom is most disturbing. Put yourself first. GL.

  • imagealewpanda:

    Does he not find YOU attractive (ie. pretty, beautiful, etc.)  or is he not ATTRACTED to you?  Big difference.

    He could be gay.

    He could have a low sex drive for medical reasons.

    He could need counseling of his own because of perception or relationship/trust issues.

    He may be cheating.

    He may really just not be attracted to you and is realizing that he needs to change that.  A marriage shouldn't function without some level of attraction or enjoyment.  It is not a machine.

     

     

    You need counseling together.  You may need counseling of your own to figure out your own self-esteem issues.

    He needs to shoot straight with you and specify what exactly is being dealt with.

    This.  What he said was very rude and you have a right to be upset.

    On top of this and what the other PP's said, I wouldn't be so hard on myself because it sounds like this has more to do with him than it does with you.  You deserve to be desired and to feel comfortable and attractive around your own H...he needs to quit backpedaling and be honest with you so you guys can come up with a solution to the problem.  Good luck!

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • The fact that he said he doesn't find ANYONE attractive is very odd.  I agree with PPs: he needs to speak to someone and try to figure out if something is going on medically and/or mentally. 

    Also, you have every right to be hurt and upset but please try not to be too hard on yourself.  It's not that your H no longer finds you attractive, it's that he no longer finds ANYONE attractive.  Which really makes it seems like something is going on with him-not you.  And honestly, how can you even attempt to please him if absolutely nothing turns him on? 

    I wouldn't wait for months for him to make a phone call though.  That's not fair to you.  Intimacy is a huge part of marriage and you are obviously not having your needs met on both a physical and emotional level.  Please urge him to seek help NOW!  Good luck

     

  • Does this man have a history of depression?
  • "i dont find anyone attracticve" could be a big pile of shiot. What was he going to say...i dont find you attractive, but i think there are others i do?

    please give me a break. if he isnt willing to seek help....there is a very good reason why....he wants out!



  • It could be sexual anorexia (google it, there is plenty of info on it) or a medical problem.  He really should get a complete physical to determine the problem.  Best of luck to you.
    image
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