Sex & Romance
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DH has no sense of romance!

My DH has absolutely no sense of romance! It's driving me insane! He has never sent me flowers, candy or anything. He doesn't understand why it upsets me so much. What can I do? He only thinks of himself! Any ideas?

Re: DH has no sense of romance!

  • Have you expressed to him that you would appreciate more romance, and maybe give him some examples? If so, what was his reply?
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  • I agree with April!

    Try talking to him. There are some men that need a little direction. My husband, is a bit distant from being a romancer, but he is fully aware that there are things he can do to make me feel special.

    You can't expect someone that isn't all mushy gushy to be that way. You had to have known prior to marrying him that he had "no sense of romance."

    My husband's idea of romancing me recently was to surprise me with putting the Christmas lights up outside of our house. It surely meant a lot to see the house all decorated a couple of days after Thanksgiving when I got home from a rough day at work.

    Every day before I go to work Ryan sets the coffee maker for me so that I can pour a cup once I get out of bed.

    It's just the little things he does that shows he cares, and loves me.

    Does your husband do anything for you that you wouldn't consider as being romanced?

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  • Some dudes (especially those who grew up close with moms or sisters) will do these things spontaneously, or at least on birthdays and special days.  But lots of dudes don't think to do this stuff on their own.  However, if you TELL HIM that what you consider romantic is flowers, candy, and the like, you'll be much more likely to get it.

    Like a PP said, he may doing things for you that he thinks of as being useful or helpful.  Even though they don't fit into your category of what you consider romantic, he's still showing you that you are special.  I know that when I get home and The Man has cleaned up the bathroom and put all the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, that means a hell of a lot more to me than a box of chocolate.  But that's just me. 

    And if you're thinking that you shouldn't HAVE to tell him, you're gonna be waiting for a long time.  To get what you want, he has to be aware.  If this is your issue, you have bigger problems than your husband not being "romantic." 

  • Let me guess: you just now noticed this, after all the time you've been together. It just now cropped up?

    That said, some guys  simply aren't the romantic types.

    I have an idea: How about a "wish list" for Christmas? Add flowers and candy to the list --- he can comply, even if it's a chocolate Santa and an amaryllis plant.:)

    Do the same for your birthday, anniversary, etc: compile a wish list. Have him pick from that list.

  • i think you should stomp your feet a little bit more, that is sure to make you deserving of flowers & candy!

    does he take out the trash? take care of having a 401k & life insurance to take care of you just incase? does he pay the bills? does he love you unconditionally? some men prefer to show they care by doing tangible things.

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  • DH probably thinks he is super romantic keeping a roof over your head, a running vehicle in the driveway and food on the table.......

      A real world man is different than the "romantic" dime man in novels, tv and movies.

       While man and women speak the same language, words have such different meanings. 

       Talk to him without hints or expecting him to put 2 and 2 together and understand.He isn't stupid or mean. He's just an man and doesn't "get it".      

  • I am a little confused how not buying you flowers or candy translates to him only thinking of himself.  My DH has never bought me flowers because they die.  I have flat out mentioned that I want flowers from him, I hope that he decides to get them for me someday.  But he is by no means selfish.
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  • Let me guess: you just now noticed this, after all the time you've been together. It just now cropped up?

    answer please

    You married a man who wasnt romantic and now because he said i do you want him to poof magically change?



  • Ok...I think you might want to read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.  

    http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

    It talks about how each of us expresses our romantic love to another and how we receive romantic love from our partners.  Think of it being like a radio -- if you are broadcasting your love on a different frequency than the one that your partner is listening to, he will never know it.  

    Chances are your husband is doing lots of things that *he* thinks show his love and devotion to you.  Maybe you are listening to a different channel.  At the same time, you may be doing lots of things that *you* think show your love to him, but they may not be things he even notices, because he is not tuned in.

    So, before you vent to him about how he is the most unromantic man in the universe, stop and figure out exactly what YOUR love language is.  From your post, I am guessing you like "Receiving Gifts" with a touch of "Acts of Service" thrown in.  Now that you know what channel you are tuned in to, you need to communicate this to your husband.  

    Tell him "I find gifts to be an expression of love.  It isn't a money factor, it is the time and effort that you will have to put in to getting the gifts that will make them special to me.  This is very important to me."

    Now, given that he may not be the kind of guy who gives gifts as an expression of romantic love, you guys are going to have to find a way to help him fulfill your needs ("fill up your love tank").  If he uses a computer, ask him to randomly set 6 calendar reminders over the next 12 months to buy you something.  He can set up an account with FTD.com to send you your favorite flowers.  He can set up a Flowers of the Month account so that every month you will get a present out of the blue.  You can point him to some place like Red Envelope that always have suggestions for presents for women.  Make an Amazon.com wish list so that he always knows he is giving you the right thing.  Spend a couple of minutes giving him suggestions about how he can make you happy.  This may be annoying to you ("Why can't he think of this stuff himself?  Do I have to do everything?) but you have to remember that the easier you make it for him to make you happier, the more happiness there will be in your marriage.

    P.S. You might want to figure out what HIS love language is.  You may be broadcasting on your channel "Receiving Gifts", but he may be listening on the "Words of Affirmation" or "Physical Touch" channel and may not be perceiving your love.

  • Some people just don't "get" romance.  They may do things that they think show they love you.

    I know my SO thinks that romance is made up and only in the movies.  It was definitely a transition for me as the men in my past relationships were always super romantic. 

    I don't think my SO even understands what he could do to be romantic.  For instance, I asked him to give me a romantic day for Christmas, instead of a "gift."  He looked at me all confused and asked me what that meant. 

    Sure, it feels odd telling your SO/DH what you want at first, but understand what he may deem romantic you don't.  For instance, I wouldn't want candy because I try to watch my sugar intake.  This would make me feel like crap.

    Wheras my SO kissing me on the forehead, walking hand in hand with me, and holding me in his arms whispering sweet nothings would be a dream romance day for me. 

  • imageDaringMiss:

    Ok...I think you might want to read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.  

    http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

    It talks about how each of us expresses our romantic love to another and how we receive romantic love from our partners.  Think of it being like a radio -- if you are broadcasting your love on a different frequency than the one that your partner is listening to, he will never know it.  

    Chances are your husband is doing lots of things that *he* thinks show his love and devotion to you.  Maybe you are listening to a different channel.  At the same time, you may be doing lots of things that *you* think show your love to him, but they may not be things he even notices, because he is not tuned in.

    So, before you vent to him about how he is the most unromantic man in the universe, stop and figure out exactly what YOUR love language is.  From your post, I am guessing you like "Receiving Gifts" with a touch of "Acts of Service" thrown in.  Now that you know what channel you are tuned in to, you need to communicate this to your husband.  

    Tell him "I find gifts to be an expression of love.  It isn't a money factor, it is the time and effort that you will have to put in to getting the gifts that will make them special to me.  This is very important to me."

    Now, given that he may not be the kind of guy who gives gifts as an expression of romantic love, you guys are going to have to find a way to help him fulfill your needs ("fill up your love tank").  If he uses a computer, ask him to randomly set 6 calendar reminders over the next 12 months to buy you something.  He can set up an account with FTD.com to send you your favorite flowers.  He can set up a Flowers of the Month account so that every month you will get a present out of the blue.  You can point him to some place like Red Envelope that always have suggestions for presents for women.  Make an Amazon.com wish list so that he always knows he is giving you the right thing.  Spend a couple of minutes giving him suggestions about how he can make you happy.  This may be annoying to you ("Why can't he think of this stuff himself?  Do I have to do everything?) but you have to remember that the easier you make it for him to make you happier, the more happiness there will be in your marriage.

    P.S. You might want to figure out what HIS love language is.  You may be broadcasting on your channel "Receiving Gifts", but he may be listening on the "Words of Affirmation" or "Physical Touch" channel and may not be perceiving your love.

    Very good advice! 

    DH and I sometimes get our signals crossed on this subject, and I actually think it's hilarious sometimes.  We both have the love language of giving gifts, but for a while thought that the other's love language was receiving gifts.  We both kept giving, but not wanting the other to give us anything.  Then one day, after reading that book, we realized we were both running on the same road, but parellel instead of towards.  Now we both have learned to give and let the other person give too.

    I should say, though, that for us, giving doesn't mean something traditionally "romantic" like candy or flowers or things like that.  We are both practical people (sometimes to a fault), so to us, "giving" also means doing something for the other.  For instance, when I got home from a meeting last night and DH had done the sink full of dishes.  He knew I'd be tired, and did them so that when I came home I could just relax and go to bed early.  But, to each couple their own.

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  • Amen on the 5 Love Languages. DH was nearly in a state of shock after reading it. In fact he re-read the book twice more.

      While looking for the Four major personality types. I ran across this site which has an even better practical explanation of people's personalities and motivation or values. 

     http://www.personalitypage.com/html/portraits.html

  • I also agree with DaringMiss on the Five Love Languages.  Try it out, it can open your eyes to ways that your H was being thoughtful that you missed. 

    It's easy to look at other people and think "Well, he gives his wife flowers/candy/whatever, but my H never does it."  I know I've done it!  But that may not be how your H shows his love for you.  My H is not a flower/candy giver because he is very, very practical.  But he shows his love in different ways, like coming home from work a little early to hang out with me or giving me a massage. Personally, I'd rather have those things than flowers that die!

    If these things are really important to you, tell him how you feel.  I like Tarpon's idea of doing a wish list for holidays, that way he has some ideas of what you'd like.

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  • I too am curious about what changed.  Was he always like this and you only started minding now, or did he woo you with romance and then stop once he had you?  One of you changed.
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  • A gift for a gift. Suprise him with a blow job and he will get you somethng nice. If he doesn't give you something nice just punch him in the nuts the next time you give him a "suprise" bj.
  • I second the book 5 love languages . Hopefully it helps your marriage like it has helped us understand each other. My H is not as romantic as I would like but now he realizes why I need it sometimes. Good luck!
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