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Help me word this e mail to MIL... long

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Re: Help me word this e mail to MIL... long

  • Well, of course she is upset..... you directed your frustration with your DH at her.  Like pp have said.... you have a DH problem.  You need to be talking with him about why you and him are not on the same page with what is happening over at his parents house... and why he won't back you up.
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  • OP, you snapped at MIL out of frustration.  MIL vented to SIL out of frustration.  Two ladies 'reacting' out of sheer frustration.  I don't think either party involved is at liberty to examine the other one's response.  I call this one even Steven.  At the end of the day, it's a wash and everyone should let everything go.

    For the future, DH needs to have a more direct talk with FIL about what is and what isn't appropriate play with DS.  If the scenario arises again, DH needs to be there in a snap to say, "Dad, we talked about this...please don't play with DS like this" and then remove DS from the rough housing play.

  • Is FIL being mean/abusive, or just stupid? I wouldn't have asked dh to intervene, I'd have intervened myself; with a "That's too rough for him, please stop" and stepping right in. You don't have to ask your dh to do that for you while your child is made miserable.

    That said, emailing your MIL is a waste of time and will just start a fight. I know that's not what you mean to do; but she drinks too much, doesn't always see things clearly, and took your snappishness too seriously. Let it drop.

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  • There is a world of difference between confiding / venting and gossiping.  Going to the sister in law was gossiping and it was wrong.  Venting is going to someone who is completely not involved with the person you are upset at and is never going to be involved with the person you are upset at.  Going to the sister in law, poisons the sister-in-laws relationship with the person being gossiped about.  It's clearly immoral.   It's not ok.  Period.

     

     

  • image nowcat:

    There is a world of difference between confiding / venting and gossiping.  Going to the sister in law was gossiping and it was wrong.  Venting is going to someone who is completely not involved with the person you are upset at and is never going to be involved with the person you are upset at.  Going to the sister in law, poisons the sister-in-laws relationship with the person being gossiped about.  It's clearly immoral.   It's not ok.  Period.

    I'm a little late to this post, but I wanted to comment that if this is true, than going to her husband would be gossiping as well.  I don't say I aagree with you, I'm just making an observation.

    My question to the OP is this.  Have you never said something under your breath in reaction to something someone else has said/done, even if no one else heard it?  Just because you have never heard her do this (involving you or anyone else) does not mean this is the first time she's ever done it.  It could be that this is just the first time you've ever heard it.  People comment under their breath about actions/conversations all the time.  Who's to say that she wouldn't have said it even if other DIL wasn't there?  Maybe in her hurt, she walked into the kitchen commenting under her breath (wanting to pull herself out of the situation as to not make a bigger deal out of it), and DIL just happened to be there.

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  • My advice would be to let MILs comment go.  She was upset b/c you snapped at her.  She was trying to help.  It seems you missed part of the conversation anyway.

    Have you had that talk with your DH?  I would tell him that if he doesn't step up to the plate, YOU will start talking to FIL, and it won't be pretty!  The next step will be telling FIL to stay away from your son.  Is that what he wants?  Because your son comes first, and if FIL can't "play nicely," then he'll be treated like anyone else who can't plan nicely with DS.  YOU are not going to be able to monitor as well with an extra baby, so the solution is just to say "stay away from DS."  Your DS has a right not to be frightened or hurt by anyone - especially his own grandpa.

    If I snapped at MIL, I'd probably have said "if you want to give advice, give it to the son you raised with no balls, or to your a-hole husband!"  So she would have been a lot more hurt by my comments.

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  • Update...

    So, I thought about everything you all said... and you're right (I'm looking at you ECB)... I was wrong to snap at her and I wasn't really owning that...

    I did e mail her, but not from the point of you did this and I'm upset, but from the point of hey, I hope you would never think that I think that about you and I want you to keep having a wonderful relationship with DS.  I want him to have a loving relationship with both of his grandparents, and I'll do anything to keep that door open.  I also apologized for snapping at her, and told her that it wasn't really directed at her, I was just stressed out.  We talked about it and cleared the air.  I did not address her drinking.  But it continues to concern me.

    As for DH.. we already had a long talk about him not stepping in and how he put me in a bad position.  I also talked to him about HIS drinking when his parents are in town.  He isn't one to drink daily or weekly, not even a beer.  But when his parents are in town, it's like a free pass.  He will not be drinking at Christmas.  It's hard to explain but his family, particularly his parents are old school.. like, think 60's social hour.  At 6 pm, it's cocktails and appetizers.  They don't eat until around 8 and when we go out to dinner it's usually a 2-3 hour event - first we order (well, not me.. I'm obviously not drinking since I'm pregnant) a drink, drink it, order another drink, drink it and then place our dinner order.  Since DS has come along, those kind of dinners aren't practical when he is with us, so they do speed it up... it's just more of their mentality... As for FIL, he is definitely not mean, but he definitely doesn't get it.  He is in his 70's, and doesn't hear well and doesn't really relate to kids, although he loves DS and tries really hard.  He certainly wasn't doing anything out of a bad intention, and I think my MIL talked to him.

    All in all, I feel better and feel good that I addressed it with her.  I don't want to let things like that build up and errode our relationship.  Someone prior asked me if I ever talk under my breath about someone or things like that and I really don't.  I'm not perfect at all, but I just prefer being direct, sometimes too direct.  That has it's own issues, and my DH sometimes calls it being "aggressive aggressive" instead of "passive aggressive".  I work on it.

    Thanks for all of the advice.

     

  • It sounds like you handled it productively.

    But you might want to think about and have a conversation with your DH about his family's drinking habits at social events if they concern you this much.

    My dad's extended family are MAJOR drinkers.  That's how they socialize.  And when they've all tied on a few, they can get really inappropriate and events aren't very kid-friendly.  They aren't going to change the way they've done things for the past 40 years just to suit me, so I choose not to attend, or to go to the first part of an event and then leave early before the boozing starts in earnest. 

    If you feel like your DH is dumping all the responsibility on you to be the watchful eyes on your son whenever he's around his parents so that he can match them drink-for-drink, address that with him.  Figure out a way that you BOTH can enjoy socializing with his family.

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