October 2009 Weddings
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Mixed feelings (long)

DH's cousin and her husband became foster parent eligible in the spring and became first-time foster parents in August.  The first time they parented they were only given 1 hour notice from CPS.  Long story short, a lot of family members including DH/me gave them giftcards/gifts to help out. 

Since then, they have fostered 4 other children.  They have applied to adopt the current two children they are parenting.  Because of this, the aunts and MIL decided to collect money/gifts to give the foster parents. 

This irks me for a couple of reasons. 

1) They're currently being paid to be foster parents.  The first time they became parents it was understandable due to short notice.  Being a regular foster parent since then, however, means they've been getting paychecks at least once a month to help cover the costs of these children which really is a luxury since non-foster parents aren't receiving checks from the government to subsidize their monthly living expenses.

2) They've made the decision to adopt which means they should have been saving for the extras that they'll have to pay for once the foster checks stop rolling in.

3) God forbid the adoption isn't approved (but we have to understand that it realistically could happen), is gift giving going to be an expected standard every time they welcome new children into their home?

4) It's not like they have to start from scratch not only because of the first "shower" and the checks they've gotten but because the previous foster mother to the current children sent their clothes, extra diapers and formula, and furniture with them.  The only thing she didn't send was a double stroller (which is the big ticket item they're asking for).

Would you all think it was normal to gift this second time around (especially before the adoption is even close to final)?  Or am I just mean?   

PS, we've already given them money because DH promised (he got it after he told me this without discussing it with me first), and I didn't want to cause drama after the fact. 

Matt loves Munkii!!!

Re: Mixed feelings (long)

  • I don't think it's mean. Yes, they're doing a good thing, but why does the family feel the need to give them gifts/money? Maybe the adoption itself is expensive? Whatever the reason, I would wait until the adoption is final to do something for them, and even then, I would rather send them all to the movies, arrange for the parents to go on a date night together (buy a gift card to a restaurant and you and DH would babysit), or offer to make a nice Sunday dinner for the whole family so mom and dad can relax a little, etc. It's more thoughtful than just throwing money at them IMHO. People don't put enough thought and effort into things these days.
    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers 
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    After 22 cycles and 4 failed IUIs, Serafina joined our family through IVF/ICSI, born 8.28.12
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  • I would be a little put out by the fact that it is organized. It is one thing if you wanted to give them something, but to be asked before the adoption is even final seems a bit too much for me.

    I agree with Kel, rather than money I appreciate peoples services! DH and I have more than enough to provide Liam with what he needs (and tons he doesn't), what we have appreciated most are people bringing us meals and holding him to give our arms a break. Granted, they aren't new at this so their needs might be a bit different. 

  • Honestly, what I give the side-eye to is the fact that they have only been fostering since August (3ish months?) and are already adopting two kids.  God bless them for fostering, God bless them for adopting, but I can't help but think this is all a little rushed.
  • image Karen2905:
    Honestly, what I give the side-eye to is the fact that they have only been fostering since August (3ish months?) and are already adopting two kids.  God bless them for fostering, God bless them for adopting, but I can't help but think this is all a little rushed.
    It feels very rushed, and that's when things seem to go sour.  I don't want to be Debbie Downer about it, but seriously!
    Matt loves Munkii!!!
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