Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

I know this is a "nothing", but...

SIL, engaged, posted her wedding date on facebook.  So I write back "So excited! Cannot wait for this special day!"
 
Talked to SIL's mom last night and she tells me that SIL said that I responded, "I'll be there!", leaving out my husband.  Then went on to say things that made it somewhat of a big deal that I 1) wouldn't mention my husband and 2) have dragged my husband to enough weddings which he clearly doesn't have interest in going to that of course I would be bringing him to SIL's wedding.
 
OK, so....
1) SIL is incorrect
2) why call me out, even if I did write that?
3) I don't think my reply could have been anymore appropriate or sweet!
 
Is this how this engagement is going to be?  Let's look for ways to dig SunandRain?
 
I am *very* aware that this is SIL's day and is about her and I'm nothing but supportive and appropriately interested.  I don't push SIL for details but write back showing my interest and support when she shares any news.  I asked her mom how the dress shopping was and gushed that SIL is going to be so beautiful...  Yes, I sounded genuine because...well...I am.  I don't overdo it.
 
SIL has a thing about weddings and always insisted she wasn't going to have one - just a party where she happened to get married during the middle.  Now she is going the more traditional route and some people are surprised.  I'm not.  I get how exciting it is to be engaged and how important it can be for some brides to have their friends and family around.
 
This isn't the first time she made comments.  At my wedding I lost my temper to my mom and I'll always feel terrible about it.  SIL continued to bring the incident up to me for years.  No one else ever mentioned it - not once.
 
Incidentally she was a BM in my wedding.  I chose DH's sisters over my friends because I wanted to start off on the right foot with my new family and attempt to send the message that they were important to me. SIL's mother took notice of this and it meant a lot to her. SIL even cried when I asked her because she was so touched.  All I asked was that they buy the dress and show up; that is what they did (i.e. no showers) and I was fully appreciative. 
 
I support her 100%. Maintaining a good relationship with my ILs is extremely important to me.  But I really don't care to be on the receiving end of these digs any longer.  Any suggestions for what I might say?? 
 

Re: I know this is a "nothing", but...

  • Personally I would say nothing, why bother?  SIL had made her feeling clear so pull back and just show up on the day.

    Few Q's...

    I'm confused, is SIL's mom your MIL?  Also what do you mean by ' is this how this engagement is going to be'?  It sounds like you might be a little over involved.

    Also where in Ireland are you from?  Did you get married in the US?  I only ask because, here, we would never ask anyone to buy their own BM dress and we don't have bridal showers - so it would seem totally normal that they didn't throw you one.

    When you say you support her 100%, what do you support her in?  I don't recall needing much support in being engaged or getting married.

    [IMG]http://i46.tinypic.com/5bwck7.jpg[/IMG]
  • image Phantom Girl:

    Personally I would say nothing, why bother?  SIL had made her feeling clear so pull back and just show up on the day.

    Few Q's...

    I'm confused, is SIL's mom your MIL?  Also what do you mean by ' is this how this engagement is going to be'?  It sounds like you might be a little over involved.

    Also where in Ireland are you from?  Did you get married in the US?  I only ask because, here, we would never ask anyone to buy their own BM dress and we don't have bridal showers - so it would seem totally normal that they didn't throw you one.

    When you say you support her 100%, what do you support her in?  I don't recall needing much support in being engaged or getting married.

    First, thank for writing.  I know I'm over reacting and that nothing would be gained from me saying anything to SIL.  I guess I just wanted to hear it from someone else.  And maybe to vent here because it wouldn't be helpful to vent to DH!  Actually, I'm a bit hopeful there is some solution that doesn't involve me just ignoring the comments, but I get that that might be the best approach - it is what I've been doing for years.

    I'm not involved in the engagement at all!  I just responded to her facebook post sharing my excitement, well wishes, congratulations.  And I asked her mom how it the dress shopping was.  That is why I was so taken back by her comment!  I feel like I'm doing everything I should be doing, including NOT being over-involved or asking too many questions (like repeatedly asking her for the date which is what my mom did to me and that sucked because it added unnecessary pressure).  So why create issues where there are none by saying something I didn't say which then leads to comments about how I drag my husband against his will to weddings?  I guess I'm just frustrated.

    MIL is DH's step-mom.  SIL is actually his step-SIL, but we call each other "...-in-law" and don't put the "step" in front of it.

    I'm from the U.S. but moved to Ireland 6 months ago.  LOVE it here, BTW!  Our families are American as well.

    What I meant by "supporting her" was that I support her choice to marry her FI, her choice to have a traditional wedding, etc.  I support her decisions and am excited for her.   Of course she doesn't need my support, per se, but isn't that the right thing to do and feel anyway? I hope that makes sense.

     

  • I know this isn't what you want to hear, but if I were you I just wouldn't comment on her facebook page anymore.  It seems to me you were more than reasonable and she got upset.
  • image julie324:
    I know this isn't what you want to hear, but if I were you I just wouldn't comment on her facebook page anymore.  It seems to me you were more than reasonable and she got upset.
    I agree.

    Also, I get the sense (esp based on your comment about picking your SIL's over friends to be in your wedding) that you see more of a close relationship w/ her than she may feel w/ you. Or at least that you've tried to be somewhat close. You married her brother, not her.  She may not want there to be a special relationship there just because you are now both "famiyly".   And she may simply not feel the same and is now kind of pushing back.

    Just some thoughts. 

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • image EastCoastBride:

    image julie324:
    I know this isn't what you want to hear, but if I were you I just wouldn't comment on her facebook page anymore.  It seems to me you were more than reasonable and she got upset.
    I agree.

    Also, I get the sense (esp based on your comment about picking your SIL's over friends to be in your wedding) that you see more of a close relationship w/ her than she may feel w/ you. Or at least that you've tried to be somewhat close. You married her brother, not her.  She may not want there to be a special relationship there just because you are now both "famiyly".   And she may simply not feel the same and is now kind of pushing back.

    Just some thoughts. 

     

    Actually, I don't see us as friends.  I see us as SIL's who get along well enough to have a few laughs on holidays and other family get togethers.  We are the same age (mid-30's) but actually have nothing in common.

    What I am frustrated by is how my efforts to do the right thing are met with these digs that are so unncessary.  It was my pleasure having DH's sisters in our wedding party - I would do it again in a heartbeat and expected nothing from them in retrun in terms of a friendship.  And to be honest, I would prefer to go without being a BM in her wedding.  But I digress... 

    I'm going to her wedding because she is family, I'm anticipating it'll be a fun party, and mostly because it is important to DH.  I happen to really enjoy weddings, but I don't enjoy the digs.

    Speaking of DH, this isn't something worth getting him involved in.  I'm not going to make a mountain out of a molehill.  Which is why I'm posting here about this relatively minor issue - to see what, if anything, I can do.  And I'll stop posting on her FB, for starters.

  • image SunAndRain:
     

    What I am frustrated by is how my efforts to do the right thing are met with these digs that are so unncessary. 

    "Friends" or not, I still think you see your relationship w/ her in a different light than she does. You say you have nothing in common w/ her - as such, to HER, you may not be someone she even "wants to share a few laughs" with.

    Look- I'm not saying this to say you're wrong in this.  I get where you're coming from. You don't understand the digs, etc.  My only point is that I just don't sense that she sees you in the same light you see her.

    To even throw those digs out- she may be jealous of you, she may feel you've "Stolen" her brother - who the heck knows.  If nothing else, she just doesn't sound very mature.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • I think your SIL sounds a little irrational about her assumptions about your post. I don't see anything wrong with it or anything that would insinuate anything that she told your MIL.

    Having said that, there's not really anything you can do to change the situation. Some girls get really crazy when they get engaged and maybe that is your SIL here.

    I would just stay out of the way of her wedding planning and like other PP said, don't write anything else on her facebook.

    [IMG]http://i56.tinypic.com/33vlx6a.jpg[/IMG]
  • You wrote an appropriate message on your SIL's facebook page.  You SIL was inappropriate in lying to your MIL.  Your MIL was inappropriate to have the conversation with you.  I understand the frustration that you are feeling as I could have writtend the same post. 

    What I have come to understand is that I can not control my SIL or my MIL.  Yes, they will twist anything I say and do to fit their view, even if it is a complete lie.  And then they will tell their extended family and friends who don't know me.  Much like you, a close family relationship is what I envisioned with my IL's.  Sadly, though it will not come to fruition. 

    So look at what you can control: you.  Stop posting on FB, smile and nod/smile when they are talking about SIL's wedding but don't add your opinion, say neutral comments, etc.  Is it hard?  Yes, because it will go against your natural inclination to be a warm and caring person, but it if you are neutral in your comments and actions, then you won't be feeding their drama.

    And I would have a conversation with your DH.  Not the sense of "OMG!  I can't believe she said that!! Now I'm mad!" But in the sense of "hey, this is what happend and I was wondering if you could shed some light so I can understand their behavior." 

    Best of luck to you.

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Does she often misinterpret or twist your comments and take offense where there's no reason for it?  If so, she's just acting the way she always does and you shouldn't expect her to act any differently.  In that case, you should probably just limit your contact with her- don't comment on facebook, talk to her only to the extent necessary to be polite when you see her, etc.  If she's not a reasonable person in general, your efforts to show interest in her life only give her more ammunition to use against you.

    If this is out of the ordinary for her, I would just let it go.  Sometimes people have misunderstandings, and it doesn't seem to have caused an inordinate amount of drama, so I would probably just not worry about it.  If you're really concerned, you could talk to SIL and tell her that it sounds like there was a misunderstanding, and you just meant that you are happy for her, and your husband will definitely be there.

  • I agree with everything written above. I do have to add that I personally would stand up for myself on the repeated digs, though.

    For example, the situation with your mother and your wedding day. The 3rd time SIL brought it up, I'd say something like,

    "SIL- As I'm sure you know, I'm not proud of my behavior that morning, but thankfully my mom has been gracious enough to accept my apology and let the issue drop. Why you would continue to bring up such a painful memory mystifies me."

  • This sound nuts -- your reply was fine so what is her problem? What's she looking for? Wadsworth?

    Tell her exactly what you said to us:

    I support her 100%. Maintaining a good relationship with my ILs is extremely important to me.  But I really don't care to be on the receiving end of these digs any longer.
  • is it possible that you posted directly before or after someone else, who said "i'll be there!"?

    that's the only explanation that i can think of for her batty behavior.

    i guess the best option is just to stop posting on her FB. but if it were me, i would likely call SIL directly, so as to clear the air.

  • Personally I would leave it alone.  Its not really that big of a deal.  Though I wonder what makes her think that you aren't going bring your DH with you to HIS sister's wedding.
    "You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."
  • I did end up talking to DH and he just laughed it off saying that she was being overly sensitive and thinks she is turning in to a bridezilla (his words).  So if made me feel better to have a laugh over the whole thing with DH.  He told me stop listening to the things they say. 

    And I think I will confront SIL directly if she brings up the incident with my mom again.  Thanks for the words of advice.

  • image SunAndRain:

    I did end up talking to DH and he just laughed it off saying that she was being overly sensitive and thinks she is turning in to a bridezilla (his words).  So if made me feel better to have a laugh over the whole thing with DH.  He told me stop listening to the things they say. 

    And I think I will confront SIL directly if she brings up the incident with my mom again.  Thanks for the words of advice.

    also - do you know for sure that SIL said that.. or is MIL stirring the pot? 

    image
  • I think the only thing I would change, should you have another situation in the future like this (MIL calling to tell you SIL said something about you and try to lecture you on it): cut her off at the pass and say, "That's odd, I did reply on her fb but I don't believe that's what I said.  Maybe she confused me with someone else.  I'm sure if SIL is bothered she'll bring it up to me directly." and if MIL continues to try to put in her 2 cents, I'd repeat firmly, "This is something for SIL to discuss with me directly." Make your expectation clear that if there's a problem, you expect someone to deal with you directly instead of discussing it or being lectured via a third party- it doesn't always sink in the first few times, but eventually they will get it.

    I also agree on saying what amanjay wrote about when your SIL repeatedly brings up digs about stuff you did in the past.  I totally had a "friend" like that in middle/ high school- we lived in a very small town and everyone had known each other since elementary school, so she was there for (and apparently remembered) every single stupid or embarrassing thing I'd done for 10+ years, and brought them up frequently.  One of the few situations I can remember where just ignoring it or laughing it off didn't work- I had to actually say, "I don't get why you keep bringing that up.  Yes, I did do that, and of course I'm not proud of that, but I don't understand what you want when you keep mentioning crap from years ago. Do you think you're being funny or are you trying to embarrass me or what?" That shut her up- and honestly, I'm still not really sure if she thought she was being funny or if she just wanted to get under my skin.  Doesn't matter though- you don't have to listen to that kind of thing.  Speak up.

  • Hmmm. I think your SIL is a lying jerk who enjoys making you look bad, almost certainly because she is insecure. If she says jerky things to your face, tell her you don't appreciate her saying those things to you and otherwise minimize contact. She is not a nice, normal person.
  • image kcpokergal:
    Hmmm. I think your SIL is a lying jerk who enjoys making you look bad, almost certainly because she is insecure. If she says jerky things to your face, tell her you don't appreciate her saying those things to you and otherwise minimize contact. She is not a nice, normal person.

    I've suspected this for quite some time.

    Thanks again to all for the advice.

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards