Family Matters
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Family Rivalry

I have been very close friends with my cousin for a while as well as her best friend.  We hung out all of the time, relied and supported eachother, even worked together because i got them a job. Their Birthdays were a couple of months ago and for both i planned fun surprises and made a big deal as well as spending a good chunk of money.  Because of all i had done for them they promised to plan a trip  for my birthday which was their idea.  My sis and them were supposed to be planning it until my sis infomed me they had not contacted her even though my sister figured out a Hotel, they hadn't done anything else to prepare.  I waited a week until i got fed up and asked them if they were actually going to go.  They said they could go but didn't have money, but in a tone like they were doing me a favor by being there.  We had this huge convo where we cried and it got worse and worse where thye stated they never expected it to work out so they never really thought they had to plan.  I thought this was sooo messed up i got mad and left.  Later that night they came to my house and i thought they were going to apoligize but instead brought up stuff from the past that i did wrong.  I was so boggled and confused and pissed.  THey had never voiced these complaints prior, i feel like they were deflecting.

 Since then we haven't talked but they are now hanging out with some other people that i have had problems with.  They put pics and updates on Facebook, which feels like rubbing it in my face..   My B'day was not too long ago and they didn't do anything just sent a text.  I have a hard time dealing with this so i can't talk or see them, it hurts too much.  But they are family, what do i do?  I feel so betrayed and i never saw it coming.

Re: Family Rivalry

  • I was feeling quite sympathetic towards you and then I got to this line,

    "since then we haven't talked but they are now hanging out with some other people that i have had problems with."

    And that made me wonder how many people does this person have a problem with because if YOU have problems with a number of people then suddenly it starts to look like you're the problem.

    So I guess my questions are:

    Why didn't your cousin/friend think your birthday plan would work out? Do you/they flake on plans generally?

    What "problems" do you have with these other people?

    Why does it matter if cousin/friend who are rude, flakey and uncaring hang out with people you don't like? 

    What is it you want from this? To be friends with them? To get an apology?

    I don't think it matters that they are family. You don't have to be buddy buddy with all of your family. Be civil and friendly when you see each other at family gatherings and beyond that move on. 

    [IMG]http://i55.tinypic.com/213pzit.jpg[/IMG]
    Elizabeth 3yrs old Jane 1yr old
  • "Why didn't your cousin/friend think your birthday plan would work out? Do you/they flake on plans generally?"

    -Not flake out really, but they generally do not make plans.  Although they would if it came to them.  I would just like to be able to believe someone when they say they will do something.  I enjoy doing things for other people ( iam a planner and do things for others) i would just like to relax sometimes and have someone else plan and count on.

    "What "problems" do you have with these other people?"

    - This is one person in particular who i have known for a decade and i keep in contact with.  I am not the one who had the problem with her, she did mean and hurtful things and admitted to them and never really gave a reason other that she is can't see other people happy around her.  I have tried to accept blame but i never did anything to deserve that kind of treatment, but i did finally forgive her.

    "Why does it matter if cousin/friend who are rude, flakey and uncaring hang out with people you don't like? "

    I guess i am still waiting for an apology.  I don't want to be friends again.  But, it seems like they are going out of their way to be mean and i wish they could just handle things with more maturity.  I really trusted them and when someone has no humility it's like salt in the wound.  i have been friendly but they ignore me.  It upsets me that they take no resposibility.  I don't feel like i have to be friends we just bonded and i regret getting that close.  It's scary how people can change and i also feel used (getting them a job, paying for things, planning trips, going out of my way). 

    I guess i just wanted to know what other people thought, so maybe i can put this more into perspective.

  • image Stellasrevenge:

    "Why didn't your cousin/friend think your birthday plan would work out? Do you/they flake on plans generally?"

    -Not flake out really, but they generally do not make plans.  Although they would if it came to them.  I would just like to be able to believe someone when they say they will do something.  I enjoy doing things for other people ( iam a planner and do things for others) i would just like to relax sometimes and have someone else plan and count on.

    So they're behaving the way they always have. Why did you think your birthday would be any different? And as far as what you always do for others, that's your choice. You can't lay those expectations on others just because it's something you choose to do. Well, you can, but you're going to spend the rest of your life being very disappointed because people don't live their lives the way you live yours.

    Really, how old are all of you? 18?

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • I think you need to make new friends, and surround yourself with people who are more caring and giving.

    Your cousins might not be bad people, but they are unable to plan.  That can make you crazy if you are a planner.  I personally am a planner, so I know how it can be frustrating!  However, there is a difference between someone who is "not a planner" but is still thoughtful and considerate, and someone who is "not a planner" and thinks only of themselves. 

    For example, I have a close friend who NEVER purchased a birthday gift or card for me, but one day surprised me with a birthday gift (a session with a tarot card reader) b/c "she thought it would be really cool," and something I would like.  She would never be the type of person who thought "It's my friends birthday, I need to spend $25, what should I get?" but when she had a great idea, she thought of me and got me something.  Also, one day she treated me to a dinner at Jeckyl and Hyde in NYC.  Totally wierd, but I guess she thought of me as someone who would appreciate wierd things.

    If you surround yourself with people who care about you and value your friendship, then you will not be as frustrated, regardless of how carefully they plan or whether they are more "spur of the moment."  If you have trouble meeting caring people - volunteer for a cause you believe in!  Spend less time with your cousins, even though they are "family," they clearly don't value your relationship.

       

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • You can't go through life keeping a tally of all of the wrongs and all of the rights committed by yourself and others.  It will only make you miserable because things will never come out even. 

    I have a group of semi-flaky girlfriends who celebrated everyone else's birthday except for mine every year for years. I would plan the others. My birthday seems to fall at a funny time of year for our schedules and we can never get anyone together for it. I also never made a huge deal about it so I think they didn't bother to either. Sometimes I felt bad about it (especially since DH will never plan anything) but then, when I got engaged, they all banded together and treated me amazingly for essentially an entire summer.  They got off their butts and planned like mad, even though many of them weren't involved in the wedding party.  I appreciated their help and we had a fantastic summer together (I wasn't demanding or expecting anything - they offered!)

    The moral of that story is - if you can't accept them for who they are and continue on with the friendship - then you're no longer friends.  You either need to lower your expectations of them or go find new friends who are planners. Don't let this spoil your family holidays for the rest of your life.

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