August 2006 Weddings
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

NER: @...or (X)... : (

DH and I have gone back and forth on the "kids or no kids" issue for as long as we've been seriously together.  We've always come back to the thanks-but-no-thanks camp.  A lot of it is financial, really...we could do it, but it would be really tight and we're pretty attached to our freedom and disposable income and neither of us has felt driven to have a child like a lot of people do.  I should mention that he's 30 and I'll be 38 in February.

Lately, he's been making noises that sound a bit like baby-fever, but when we have a serious discussion about it, he comes back to the "no" camp.  But he brought it up again today, and I think he really does want to have one.  Honestly, my pulse is racing just sitting here thinking about it.  I can imagine myself enjoying parenting a school-age child, but I don't know if I'm cut out for the relentlessly constant demands of a baby, nor do I know how willing I am to give up our freedom and disposable income.  No matter what you decide, there comes a time when you can't take it back, and that scares the bejeezus out of me.

Am I crazy?  Is he?  Is this normal?  Did any of you who have kids feel this way before you had them?

In case you're wondering where everyone went: http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi

Re: NER: @...or (X)... : (

  • Oh sure, we went back and forth about a hundred times.  And we were married almost five years before I got pregnant.

    Ultimately, we came to the realization that our lives and partnership would be enriched by having a child, rather than a baby keeping us from doing all the things we wanted to do.  That was a real "A-HA" moment for me (did I just quote Oprah?).

    Sure there are things we'll give up, but think of all we'll gain.  That's the way I like to think about it!

    image Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker BabyFruit Ticker
  • LOL--I forgot to mention that we're both only children!

     

    And thank you Big Smile   I still get carded once in a while and it makes me irrationally happy.

    In case you're wondering where everyone went: http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi
  • I think what you are feeling is normal. What scares me is the under 25 year olds who think raising a kid is no big deal and live paycheck to paycheck.

    What is the up shot of this, or is there one? Is this making you re-consider not having kids? Are you trying to see if DH truly wants kids or not?

    There is nothing about what either of you two are saying/feeling that "means" you should or shouldn't have kids, if thats what you are fishing for.

     

  • Zelda, all of your fears and questions sound totally natural. And I think it's great that you're really thinking about it rather than having a kid willy-nilly when you shouldn't like so many people do.

    When we met, H and I were closer to the (X) camp than the (@) camp, but now we're both firmly in the (@) camp. But we definitely communicated the whole time to make sure we're on the same page, because that's the most important thing. Just make sure you're both honest with one another... I can't imagine how awful it would be years down the road to discover that my spouse and I disagreed on the issue and I didn't know about it.

  • On the other hand, you could go your whole life not having a kid and then wish when you are 60, you had one.  This is my worst fear.

    I know you are smart enough to know what is best for you and there should be no guilt either way about your decision.  Buying a house is easier  Wink

    In case you're wondering where everyone went: http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi
  • image sugrfrejaz:

    I think what you are feeling is normal. What scares me is the under 25 year olds who think raising a kid is no big deal and live paycheck to paycheck.

    What is the up shot of this, or is there one? Is this making you re-consider not having kids? Are you trying to see if DH truly wants kids or not?

    There is nothing about what either of you two are saying/feeling that "means" you should or shouldn't have kids, if thats what you are fishing for.

     

    I'm afraid of a few things, and I can't decide which scares me more.  Part of the problem is my age; we were married when I was 35, and neither of us wanted to have kids right away, if ever.  We've always known that the age difference could be a problem for us with respect to kids; we knew that by the time we wanted them, it might be too late.  And we were ok with that.  I honestly don't know at this point if I'm more afraid of having one or of not having one, but I don't want to screw DH out of one if he really really really wants it.

    I'm not anti-kid--but I've never burned for kids the way some people seem to. I think we'd be really good parents, actually.  I think the irrevocability of the decision is what's so scary to me.  When you're 25 or 30, you know you still have a lot of time to figure it out and there isn't a great sense of urgency.  But then you find yourself in your late 30s and realize that it really is later than you think, and if you STILL can't decide...well...it's a weird place to be.

    In case you're wondering where everyone went: http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi
  • image zelda25:

    On the other hand, you could go your whole life not having a kid and then wish when you are 60, you had one.  This is my worst fear.

    To be fair, this argument could be applied to any major decision: getting married, having a pet, buying a house, moving to Italy, etc. I think life is naturally filled with anxiety over decisions made and not made.

    At one time my H and I had decided to move to the Czech Republic, then I started my business. I can't bring my business to Europe, so it's a trade-off. Do I regret not moving abroad? A little, but owning my own business is enormously rewarding.

    We are happily childfree and plan to stay that way. One "argument" I get from supposed well-wishers is, "Who's going to take care of you when you're old?" There's no guarantee that children will take care of you or even like you when they reach adulthood, so I prefer to spend any possible inheritance on retirement savings. Cutting out the middleman, as it were! :)

    It is a difficult conversation to have, and it's never done with just one. I think it took us almost a year to make sure we were absolutely in accordance.

    Good luck to you both. Please feel free to email me if you ever want to talk!
    [email protected]

  • image majorwife:

    Grr.  Let me add that I don't think my aunt and uncle are unhappy now or have totally empty and meaningless lives.  I just think that time has given them a different perspective and that is the *** about age.  When you are ready for something you can't do it b/c of your body.

    Maybe you should ask yourself what you would do if tomorrow you found out you were pregnant and how you would handle it.

    That is a heartbreaking story.  For real. 

    I've often suggested to DH that we adopt an older (i.e., older than a toddler) child; our local paper runs profiles of children who need adoptive homes and every one of them makes me cry and want to bring them all home...clearly, there's a maternal instinct in there somewhere; he's not so enthusiastic (I think he's worried about built-in, catastrophic behavioral issues).  I see what a few of our friends go through with new babies--no sleep, no freedom, some of them honestly seem unhappy and I'm afraid we'll want to kill each other or ourselves under that kind of stress. 

    I think if I found out I was pregnant tomorrow, I would be simultaneously excited and terrified.

    In case you're wondering where everyone went: http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi
  • I think what you're going through is normal, too.

    When DH and I got married, we were both in the (x) camp, but we both thought we'd change our minds and decide to pop out a kid or two sometime in the future. Now that we've been married for over 2 years and are approaching 30, we've gone the other direction. We still hate kids, even more than we did when we got married.

    I think I fall into the camp that's more afraid I would have a child and regret it. Not that I think I wouldn't love any child I have, but because I know myself. I'm selfish. I remember what I was like growing up and I'm pretty sure that I'd have annoyed the h#ll out of my now adult self. I'm not sure I'm willing to give up certain things I know I would have to give up to have a child (like needing a lot of sleep).

     

  • *whispers*  What's "KWIM?"  I see it all the time and can't figure out what it stands for.  I know I'll feel stupid when I find out Stick out tongue

    In case you're wondering where everyone went: http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi
  • I know you mentioned adoption, but have you though about adopting a toddler or younger? They may have some issues with attachment ect, but not the same issues you get with older children. Plus you wouldnt have to feel rushed into a decision, you could wait a couple of years and decide then. Just something to think about :)

     I think being worried about a life changing decision like this is TOTALLY normal.

    [IMG]http://i56.tinypic.com/ohj02s.jpg[/IMG]
  • image zelda25:

    *whispers*  What's "KWIM?"  I see it all the time and can't figure out what it stands for.  I know I'll feel stupid when I find out Stick out tongue

    Know what I mean?
    [IMG]http://i56.tinypic.com/ohj02s.jpg[/IMG]
  • you're both normal. I think waiting and discussing again might be the best option for you both. I have baby fever for months at a time and then it goes away. This is definitely not a one time discussion with a final decision.

     PS - several friends have been in the if it happens, great, if not no biggie camp in other words, no birth control to prevent pregnancy but no extra effort to try and get pregnant. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

    Slainte!
    my read shelf:
    Jenni (jenniloveselvis)'s book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • Here is my perspective, FWIW.  Sorry it's so long.

    I am an only child who married at 32.  I never felt driven to have children, but after meeting DH, decided that perhaps I could tolerate kids because he seemed like he would be a good father.  We had two children back-to-back (yes, by design), so I had two kids under 2.  We did this partly because of my age and partly because I was in pregnancy mode and decided to go for no. 2 only 5 months after giving birth because my first child was such an easy baby. 

    Before having kids, I had practiced law for nearly a decade.  I lived in the city, worked at a large firm in the city and was doing quite well.  After getting married, we moved to the suburbs.  After my first was born, I left my job to be a SAHM, which I still am.  We went from having crazy amounts of disposable income and traveling the world to living on a budget that was a shock to the system at first.  We managed to save a lot of money while I was working, and DH actually does well, but my point is that I've been at both extremes.

    I was very conflicted about wanting kids because my patience is nil and I loved our freewheeling lifestyle.  I'm That Person who loathes kids on airplanes and in restaurants, and who thinks that there are some kids out there who really just need a good smack (I say this somewhat facetiously as I would never raise a hand to my children). 

    There is no question that I have days where I wonder what on earth I was thinking.  But far more often, I look at my kids and think that I can't imagine life without them.  Watching them grow and develop is so much cooler than words can express and than I would have imagined.

    I will never think less of anyone who chooses not to have kids because I totally get that mindset.  I was there.  But having that mindset does not mean that having kids is a *bad* choice for you emotionally. 

    The money is a different issue.  If you truly will be stretched financially, IMHO, you need to think long and hard about whether having children is the right thing to do.  Worrying about money is a huge strain on a marriage, and adding kids to the mix makes it worse.

    I recommend that you and DH create a budget, if you haven't already, and figure out what you spend on everything on a monthly basis.  Figure out how much daycare (or the loss of one of your jobs if one of you chooses to SAH) will cost and how that will impact your budget.  Figure out the cost of additional health insurance coverage.  Figure $200/month for the first year for formula in case you choose to formula feed or must do so because breastfeeding doesn't work for you (it worked for me for no. 2, but not no. 1).  Figure $150-200/month for random baby expenses in the first couple of years, presuming you get many of the basics you will need from a baby shower/gifts.  If you don't have a shower or get many gifts, figure you'll spend at least a solid $1500+ before the baby arrives, including clothing, stroller, carseat, crib, diapers, etc.

    Kids aren't cheap and I do NOT subscribe to the theory that the finances will simply "work out" if you choose to procreate (this theory seems to be popular on the BOTB board and it drives me insane).  Crunching the numbers is a valuable, if tedious, exercise, and you may find that the results are the deciding factor for you.

    I do wish you the very best.  I know what a struggle this decision is, particularly when you have the age issue and the fear of "what if" down the road.

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards