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Back from training, doesnt want kids.

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, he's been in the army national guard for 2, and we've been married about 6 months.

He just got back from a 10 wk training course in ft. jackson sc, and upon his return, is VERY distant with me, not telling me things, keeping his phone under lock and key, and deleting all of his messages anyway. He also told me since he got back that he doesnt want kids. Ever. He always wanted them before, and it's the only thing I've ever wanted in my whole life. We always talked about having a big family.

I am devasted and border-line depressed over it. What gives?!!! He won't talk about it at all.

Thank you
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Re: Back from training, doesnt want kids.

  • The phone lock thing generally makes me worry that he met someone on his TDY. I'm hoping that's not the case, for your sake.

    Any way you can check records and see if he's been texting with a number frequently? 

    ETA: I'm not saying that he's cheating, but SO and I are pretty open with each other's phones, computers, etc. If he was all of a sudden super paranoid about me seeing it, I would think something was up. 

    I've seen a lot of military surprise homecomings. It wouldn't work on me. I always have my back to the corner and my face to the door. Looking for terrorists, criminals, various other threats, and husbands.
  • imageWishIcouldbeinthe'stan:

    The phone lock thing generally makes me worry that he met someone on his TDY. I'm hoping that's not the case, for your sake.

    Any way you can check records and see if he's been texting with a number frequently? 

    ETA: I'm not saying that he's cheating, but SO and I are pretty open with each other's phones, computers, etc. If he was all of a sudden super paranoid about me seeing it, I would think something was up. 

    Ditto!

  • Since you replied on FM, I'm going to reply to your quote from there:

    imageccarnelli09:
    Thank you.

    No, he wasn't like this before he left. Even while he was gone, he would talk to me on the phone about how he couldn't wait to come home and start a family. Then, about a day after he comes home, he drops this bomb. He has always not been very fond of kids, but has always said that he just didnt like other people's children, that he was sure his own would be different.

    I am a teacher and was a child study major in college. I am also a nanny. Kids are my life.

    I am wondering if something changed in OUR relationship that is making him think about how having kids with me would definately link us together forever. We're young, both 22, and right out of college. We started dating 7 years ago today.

    I have no idea what's going on. It's not just the kid thing, he seems to be avoiding me alot all together. Other than for sex.

    I just want to make sure I have the background - you started dating at 15, married at 22. I'm guessing this means you've only "been" with each other, correct? I'm not saying he's cheating just because of his secrecy (you know your husband better than I) but maybe he has changed his mind about children. Maybe while he was at this TDY he saw people complaining about their children or that their marriage changed after having kids and not for the better. The latter seems to be a common gripe with many of my couple friends with children and while you and I know every couple is different, maybe he's worried about it effecting you two. Maybe he knows you want a baby and feels pressured to have one soon even though he's not ready. Either way you two need to talk because this seems like it could be a deal breaker for you. 

    If he's open to it, I would go to marriage counseling. 


  • image~Izzchabod~:
    imageWishIcouldbeinthe'stan:

    The phone lock thing generally makes me worry that he met someone on his TDY. I'm hoping that's not the case, for your sake.

    Any way you can check records and see if he's been texting with a number frequently? 

    ETA: I'm not saying that he's cheating, but SO and I are pretty open with each other's phones, computers, etc. If he was all of a sudden super paranoid about me seeing it, I would think something was up. 

    Ditto!

    Ditto again.  A friend of mine was married to a guy who all of a sudden told her he did not want kids, he refused to go to couples counseling or do anything to work on their relationship, and after a year of waiting for him to change his mind he still no longer wanted kids.  She cut her losses and moved on, and is now married to a great guy and they have a little boy.  Moral of the story is, if your H is not willing to compromise on this, and if he is not willing to work on your relationship, then you have to decide if that is something you can live with.  For me (and obviously for my friend) not wanting kids would be a deal breaker.

    I am sorry you are going though this, I hope your H is just going through a phase, seeks the necessary help and you can move forward in your relationship!!!

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  • I just read your post on FM, and I feel like we got a little more info. If I had just read that post, I wouldn't have jumped to cheating, but here you mentioned the phone secrecy.

    I agree with Christina about marriage counseling, but I would look at the phone records, for my own peace of mind. And then in counseling, if I found nada, we'd have a serious talk about why I felt the need to do that. 

    I've seen a lot of military surprise homecomings. It wouldn't work on me. I always have my back to the corner and my face to the door. Looking for terrorists, criminals, various other threats, and husbands.
  • I just confronted him on the phone issue, he refused to give it to me, deleted all of his messages, and said hes been talking to a friend about our issues, about me wanting kids and him not. I looked up the number and its not one I recognize. Again, he claims its a higher up giving him military and family advice.

    Yes, we have technically only "been" with each other. But that part of our lives is terrific. Yes, we started dating at 15.

    He is angry with me because I keep bringing it up.
  • I don't understand why you're pressuring him. It's only working against you. You're 22. You have time. I know that's not the response you're looking for but be patient. I don't think I could be a guy, frankly, because if I was bombarded with questions all the time I would lose my mind. Oh and FWIW, I do not let MH go through my phone or my emails or any of that. He doesn't have my passwords either and I'm not hiding anything. I just like my own space.
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  • imageBBgurl:
    I don't understand why you're pressuring him. It's only working against you. You're 22. You have time. I know that's not the response you're looking for but be patient. I don't think I could be a guy, frankly, because if I was bombarded with questions all the time I would lose my mind. Oh and FWIW, I do not let MH go through my phone or my emails or any of that. He doesn't have my passwords either and I'm not hiding anything. I just like my own space.

    Right, but you've always been that way with your phone and passwords. If you were fine with it and then were gone for a few months and changed behavior, wouldn't that be more of an issue? 

    I've seen a lot of military surprise homecomings. It wouldn't work on me. I always have my back to the corner and my face to the door. Looking for terrorists, criminals, various other threats, and husbands.
  • imageBBgurl:
    I don't understand why you're pressuring him. It's only working against you. You're 22. You have time. I know that's not the response you're looking for but be patient. I don't think I could be a guy, frankly, because if I was bombarded with questions all the time I would lose my mind. Oh and FWIW, I do not let MH go through my phone or my emails or any of that. He doesn't have my passwords either and I'm not hiding anything. I just like my own space.

    I'm the same way, but people don't change for no reason. Something causes change, that's just the way it is. 

  • imageWishIcouldbeinthe'stan:

    imageBBgurl:
    I don't understand why you're pressuring him. It's only working against you. You're 22. You have time. I know that's not the response you're looking for but be patient. I don't think I could be a guy, frankly, because if I was bombarded with questions all the time I would lose my mind. Oh and FWIW, I do not let MH go through my phone or my emails or any of that. He doesn't have my passwords either and I'm not hiding anything. I just like my own space.

    Right, but you've always been that way with your phone and passwords. If you were fine with it and then were gone for a few months and changed behavior, wouldn't that be more of an issue? 

    In actuality, I wasn't always that way but it got to the point where I felt suffocated and like I didn't have a private life of my own, which I am entitled to. This was years ago but it is still a change I went through. OP, I definitely think you should seek counseling but I also feel like you are harassing him with this whole baby thing. It's possible he's cheating, sure, but it's also possible that you are putting a lot of pressure on him and when you do that to guys (from what I've seen) it works against you. Focus on the counseling and less on the babies.
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  • Also, I wanted kids more than anythig. Like obsessive baby fever. I even purchased baby clothes. In a matter of a few weeks I changed my mind completely and now I don't think I ever want children. Rare? Sure. But still entirely possible. I want to enjoy my life and not have a crying baby hold me back.
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  • imageBBgurl:
    I don't understand why you're pressuring him. It's only working against you. You're 22. You have time. I know that's not the response you're looking for but be patient. I don't think I could be a guy, frankly, because if I was bombarded with questions all the time I would lose my mind. Oh and FWIW, I do not let MH go through my phone or my emails or any of that. He doesn't have my passwords either and I'm not hiding anything. I just like my own space.

    I get that you don't want kids any time soon, if at all, but some women just really want to be mothers and nothing else. I wouldn't choose it for myself, but I don't blame others for it either. I do agree she needs to take time to enjoy life and really be sure that motherhood is what she wants. If she feels strongly about it though, she should be with a man that wants to help her with that.

    If she wants nothing more than to have a big family and he doesn't even want one kid, I'd consider it a deal breaker. I'd also feel pretty betrayed that I'd married a man that was excited to have a big family with me one day and then totally changed his mind without rhyme or reason. There needs to be a conversation about it. 

  • imageBBgurl:

     Focus on the counseling and less on the babies.

    And this exactly. 

  • imagePumpkin701:

    imageBBgurl:
    I don't understand why you're pressuring him. It's only working against you. You're 22. You have time. I know that's not the response you're looking for but be patient. I don't think I could be a guy, frankly, because if I was bombarded with questions all the time I would lose my mind. Oh and FWIW, I do not let MH go through my phone or my emails or any of that. He doesn't have my passwords either and I'm not hiding anything. I just like my own space.

    I get that you don't want kids any time soon, if at all, but some women just really want to be mothers and nothing else. I wouldn't choose it for myself, but I don't blame others for it either. I do agree she needs to take time to enjoy life and really be sure that motherhood is what she wants. If she feels strongly about it though, she should be with a man that wants to help her with that.

    If she wants nothing more than to have a big family and he doesn't even want one kid, I'd consider it a deal breaker. I'd also feel pretty betrayed that I'd married a man that was excited to have a big family with me one day and then totally changed his mind without rhyme or reason. There needs to be a conversation about it. 

    I agree with you. I'm sure that maybe in a few years I'll want kids but let's say hypothetically I wanted them soon and MH told me he didn't want any, I wouldn't keep asking him about it over and over. That's the impression I'm getting from her PP; that she keeps hounding him about it. Focus on counseling, figure out where it stems from and give him time and space to deal with the issue. If after some time you realize that you're both on different paths, then definitely a deal breaker and go from there but for now she should stop asking about the babies. Just my opinion.
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  • Meh, I don't think she's 'hounding him'. I think she is just really confused about why the sudden 180 and just wants answers. I know I would. If one day my H came home and wouldn't talk, started hiding everything and changed his mind about some very serious things (like babies) I'd be worried, hurt and confused. If he came and said he doesn't want kids now, sure.. I get that, but never? Just seems off.

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  • lol OP, please ignore what I said. I am speaking from my own experience and I realize that I tend to fall into a strange category. Stuff that happens to me doesn't typically happen to other people so I'm really more inclined to agree with ChristinaK and Marie when it boils down to it. 

    From my personal experience, it's possible to make sudden changes with no real explanation. I have changed my passwords and wouldn't share my phone simply because I like my space, but I know that that's not normal. I've also abruptly decided that the thought of carrying and being responsible for a child makes me want to cry Stick out tongue so that's really what I'm trying to say. It is totally possible to just change your mind about something...even if your opinion on the matter has been different your entire life.

    I can't say for sure whether or not I think that's what's going on with you and YH. You have special circumstances that I can't relate to (having been with just each other, and since 15). I hope that maybe after a few days your husband will be more open to talking to you about this and that you guys can seek some counseling together.

    Also, is the person he is talking to about your "issues" a female? Just curious. 


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  • imageccarnelli09:
    I just confronted him on the phone issue, he refused to give it to me, deleted all of his messages, and said hes been talking to a friend about our issues, about me wanting kids and him not. I looked up the number and its not one I recognize. Again, he claims its a higher up giving him military and family advice.

    Yes, we have technically only "been" with each other. But that part of our lives is terrific. Yes, we started dating at 15.

    He is angry with me because I keep bringing it up.

    With "been" I meant more like, haven't dated other people - not just sexually. Some people have these moments of zen (or crazy depending on your point of view) when they realize they might have missed out on something. Some people are content and love being where they are in life and some aren't. 

    My best guess (going off on what I consider a tiny sliver of information) is that while you might have been talking on the phone about wanting kids and he said sure blah blah blah, he's now overwhelmed with the idea. I mean, maybe his "I don't ever want kids" is a "I don't want kids, right now". Maybe he really doesn't want kids anymore, like BB said some people do have 180s quickly. 

    I would drop the subject for now because it seems like your relationship isn't ready for children. Start marriage counseling, get back to spending time together, going out on dates and doing the things that you love. 

  • Ditto what other people said.  However, this is something somewhat that my H and I struggled with in a different way.  We''ve always wanted children.  At one point though he said he wanted to wait untill he was out becaue he saw his friends with kids missing a lot of family things of being deployed.  He was talking to me and said he wouldn't want to miss the birth of our child or big milestones.  In the end we decided it would happen when it happened and now he is ok with having children soon. 

    This could be the case with him? He just doesn't want to miss the important things in a chid's ife because of the army.  But you should definitly go to counseling. 

  • The issues you have posted here, and on the FM board, are related so I am replying to both threads with the same post, since I am not sure which you will check.

    Honestly, I think your husband either met someone at training, or found a new group of friends at training that are not married, etc (or a combination of both is more likely), and it has had him reevaluate his choice to marry you and so forth and so the secrecy, and the kid thing, are manifestations of that. I don't buy for a second that he is talking to a friend about his issues between you and therefore needed to lock his phone. Why is he not talking to YOU, or a counselor? Nope, something fishy is going on here and he is not being honest with you.

    Those that are NOT committed to their partnerships/marriages often find plenty of opportunity at training to explore their non-commitment with others who are either single or equally as non-committed (both H and I are former military and have seen plenty of that).   A commitment exists, or does not exist, independent of marital status...and for many they may be married (or in a relationship) but they are clearly not committed.

    The rapid turnaround on not having kids is probably due to a mixture of realizing having kids "in reality" is far different than thinking of them in the abstract (and is related to the probability he met someone at training), and knowing it is such a major issue for you it is also pushing you into making a decision (so he is not the bad guy).

    He is not "wrong" for not wanting kids. Many wonderful people in the world make a choice not to have children, for example. Nor are you wrong for wanting them. He may very well have believed he DID want them before he married you....often people may "want" them as it is what they believe they should want, or they may like them in the abstract. But clearly, something has to give here.  And the truth is in this scenario it will most likely end up being you. Can you readily move forward with decision never to have children? Without resentment? And this is just pretending that there is nothing else going on (I think there is). Personally, I am at a stage in my life I am on the fence about kids, and it could go either way. If I never had them, I would not feel anything is missing. But, that being said, for some having children is incredibly important and not having them is not something they could live happily with.

    Look, you have been together since you were 15. You are now 22. You have missed out on a LOT of the opportunities to grow as individuals and so forth, on your own. Just because you care about each other, and love each other, and have been together for 7 years, does not mean you were/are ready for marriage. Maybe he is realizing this. Or maybe he is just realizing he wants to experience more as a single guy, including other women and getting married to the girl he has been with since he was 15 was something he did as he thought he "should", not because he genuinely wanted to or was ready for it. 

    I am also curious about your statement (in the FM post) that him saying he wanted to be a  dad "convinced you it would work". What does that mean? Does that mean otherwise you had concerns about him as a life long partner? I know a girl who married someone as he would be a "great father". That was what she told people when they asked why she married him! Well, now they have found out they are infertile and she is married to a lazy man-child (he would have made a great playmate for a child, a father is another issue). He is a lousy husband.

    I actually find it a bit sad that your entire life has almost been geared towards having kids...I think that has probably led you to make a poor choice in marrying when (and who) you did, and has stifled some of your growth. Again, nothing wrong with wanting kids (even wanting them a LOT), but if it has become your "entire life goal" you have likely missed out on a lot of other opportunities, and it indicates that if you had kids you would make them your entire life too. As one lovely poster on the Nest cites, "babies should not be born with jobs".  You are also being dependent on factors you cannot control for that to happen - like fertility, a father, and so on. Your happiness should not be so dependent on things outside your control.

    It is for reasons like this people generally encourage people to wait until they have grown up and experienced life a little - and become more self-aware - before they get married. A marriage is best when you have two healthy and complete individuals coming together. I don't think that is what happened here, at all. I think you are both very young, and even younger for the reason you HAVE been together since you were 15 and not had the opportunity to explore yourself as individuals (i.e. this training of 10 weeks is the most time you have spent apart on your own!) before marrying.

     


  • imageRaiKai:

    The issues you have posted here, and on the FM board, are related so I am replying to both threads with the same post, since I am not sure which you will check.

    Honestly, I think your husband either met someone at training, or found a new group of friends at training that are not married, etc (or a combination of both is more likely), and it has had him reevaluate his choice to marry you and so forth and so the secrecy, and the kid thing, are manifestations of that. I don't buy for a second that he is talking to a friend about his issues between you and therefore needed to lock his phone. Why is he not talking to YOU, or a counselor? Nope, something fishy is going on here and he is not being honest with you.

    Those that are NOT committed to theirpartnerships/marriages often find plenty of opportunity at training toexplore their non-commitment with others who are either single orequally as non-committed (both H and I are former military and haveseen plenty of that).   A commitment exists, or does not exist,independent of marital status...and for many they may be married (or ina relationship) but they are clearly not committed.

    The rapid turnaround on not having kids is probably due to a mixture of realizing having kids "in reality" is far different than thinking of them in the abstract (and is related to the probability he met someone at training), and knowing it is such a major issue for you it is also pushing you into making a decision (so he is not the bad guy).

    He is not "wrong" for not wanting kids. Many wonderful people in the world make a choice not to have children, for example. Nor are you wrong for wanting them. He may very well have believed he DID want them before he married you....often people may "want" them as it is what they believe they should want, or they may like them in the abstract. But clearly, something has to give here.  And the truth is in this scenario it will most likely end up being you. Can you readily move forward with decision never to have children? Without resentment? And this is just pretending that there is nothing else going on (I think there is). Personally, I am at a stage in my life I am on the fence about kids, and it could go either way. If I never had them, I would not feel anything is missing. But, that being said, for some having children is incredibly important and not having them is not something they could live happily with.

    Look, you have been together since you were 15. You are now 22. You have missed out on a LOT of the opportunities to grow as individuals and so forth, on your own. Just because you care about each other, and love each other, and have been together for 7 years, does not mean you were/are ready for marriage. Maybe he is realizing this. Or maybe he is just realizing he wants to experience more as a single guy, including other women and getting married to the girl he has been with since he was 15 was something he did as he thought he "should", not because he genuinely wanted to or was ready for it. 

    I am also curious about your statement (in the FM post) that him saying he wanted to be a  dad "convinced you it would work". What does that mean? Does that mean otherwise you had concerns about him as a life long partner? I know a girl who married someone as he would be a "great father". That was what she told people when they asked why she married him! Well, now they have found out they are infertile and she is married to a lazy man-child (he would have made a great playmate for a child, a father is another issue). He is a lousy husband.

    I actually find it a bit sad that your entire life has almost been geared towards having kids...I think that has probably led you to make a poor choice in marrying when (and who) you did, and has stifled some of your growth. Again, nothing wrong with wanting kids (even wanting them a LOT), but if it has become your "entire life goal" you have likely missed out on a lot of other opportunities, and it indicates that if you had kids you would make them your entire life too. As one lovely poster on the Nest cites, "babies should not be born with jobs".  You are also being dependent on factors you cannot control for that to happen - like fertility, a father, and so on. Your happiness should not be so dependent on things outside your control.

    It is for reasons like this people generally encourage people to wait until they have grown up and experienced life a little - and become more self-aware - before they get married. A marriage is best when you have two healthy and complete individuals coming together. I don't think that is what happened here, at all. I think you are both very young, and even younger for the reason you HAVE been together since you were 15 and not had the opportunity to explore yourself as individuals (i.e. this training of 10 weeks is the most time you have spent apart on your own!) before marrying.

     


    Definitely. 

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  • I am tracking 100% with Rai Kai
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  • I'm not trying to be snarky here but if MH was so adamant about hiding things from me and hardly talking to me, I would not still be giving him sex.  The fact that he even has the audacity to ask after the way he's treated you shows complete and total disrespect to you IMO.  He sounds like he wants it to be all about him.  This is definitely not a relationship you want to bring a child into, even tho you feel ready.  I definitely agree with pp's that counseling is in order to deal with the secrets and lack of communication.  Once you rectify that, then you can further explore the idea of having kids.

  • "10 week training course- the longest we'd ever been away from each other" -from the FM version.

    Now that he knows how it feels to be separated from his spouse for that long, maybe he's afraid of how much more difficult it would be to be separated from children for that long. Maybe it's something else, maybe he's concerned about income and trying to provide for such a large family at such a young age.

    Ditto what others said. Slow down, even though you dated for a while you've only been married for a few months. Don't worry about getting pregnant today and figure out what's going on in your relationship, especially communication/boundary wise. I'm pretty sure you still have plenty of time to have 4-5 kids even if you wait a couple years to start. If you can't work it out on your own, get counseling. 

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  • I think you should be more concerned with the fact he can't talk/share with you the issues he's dealing with and how he is seeking advice and "comfort" from someone else.  Obviously he doesn't have an issue talking to SOMEONE about it.  The baby issue should be on the back burner at this point.

    Not telling you who he is texting with is a BIG red flag.  If you flat-out asked him who and he didn't give a name, but simply said, "a higher up"......red flag.  Deleting the messages...another red flag.  Deleting them adds suspicion.  Why delete if you have nothing to hide?  He obviously doesn't trust that you won't snoop.  I don't think you should be snooping, but he shouldn't be afraid of what you would find if you did snoop.

    If he admits to the other texter being a female, so be it...he told the truth and didn't "lie by omission".  Can't be too angry with someone who tells the truth (even if it upsets you).

  • He's cheating and threw out that little tidbit to force you to be the bad guy and cut him off, especially given that he knows how important having children is to you.

    I think a discussion is in order, starting with the big question, does he want to be married.



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  • BBgurl's advice is actually pretty crappy. Sorry, but it is.

    *Some* people change their minds about wanting kids. But very few so drastically as your H did. I suspect that your H was always on the fence about having kids but he wasn't about to give up his high school sweetheart with that opinion, figuring he'd come around to the idea. But them he goes to training, he sees what it's like to be young and single, something he's never been before, and suddenly, he's saying whatever he can to get out of the relationship.

    You could try counseling but I honestly see it postponing the inevitable. I know what I have to say isn't very comforting but there's a reason most high school relationships don't make it. People grow up and often grow apart. It's easy to blame this on training but I think it would have happened eventually.

    If he isn't cheating, he sure as shiit wants to. Maybe he'll grow out of this, maybe he won't but you need to decide whether or not you want to wait and see and deal with him if he doesn't or until he makes up his mind.

    Personally, I couldn't do it. I couldn't sit there while he waffles back and forth on whether or not he wants to be a grown ass man and an equal partner in the relationship.



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  • imagehindsight's_a_biotch:

    He's cheating and threw out that little tidbit to force you to be the bad guy and cut him off, especially given that he knows how important having children is to you.

    I think a discussion is in order, starting with the big question, does he want to be married.

    took the thoughts out of my head... 100%.

  • I agree with you HS lol. My advice blows ass. Totally didn't look at her situation in it's entirety but based my response on my own experience because I'm a self absorbed *** Embarrassed

     

    Is she ever going to come back and read these posts? Has she responded to her post on FM? 

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  • First off, thank you all for your input, I appreciate it!!

    A couple things to clear up, I don't want kids for at least 5 years. We just graduated and I'm currently the only one working, and its a crap job with no benefits. Prior to him being away, he was always the one pressuring ME for kids asap.

    We both have dated other people, but have always come back to each other.

    Yes we are young, and yes, he's had a change of heart, this has happened many times in our relationship. It is always hard at first, but our love always endures.

    A few details I forgot to mention- When he left for training we were living in TN, we were both born and raised in CT and all of our families were in CT. When he left for training, we had only lived in TN for 2 weeks and neither of us knew anyone, nor had jobs. We came to consequtive decision for me to move back to CT, where I had a job a day later. So when he left, I was a stay at home wife with no job in TN. He comes back to CT, in a new appartment, with me working both full time and part time jobs.

    Also, he had also recently gotten a DUI before he left and vowed to never drink again. He came back from training drinking 3-6 beers a day and smoking a pack a day (he had quit before he left). He also came back with 3 tattoos and almost no money. (<---- this is why I don;t want kids for a LONG time. He has A LOT of growing up to do, but isnt that most men at 22?).

    After we talked recently, he said he just realized "what a big investment kids are" and how he's sure he'd be a terrible father. I told him that I've made kids my life (career wise) and that if I thought he was going to be a terrible father, I wouldn't have married him. I agreed and said right now, yes, he wouldn't be very good at it. He might even be bad at it. But in 5 or 6 years, it'd be different. What was bothering me most was that he was saying NEVER. Now he's agreed to wait and see. Even if we have to wait until we are thirty, it's worth it.

    Now did I open up a can of worms by mentioning all of the other changes? Love is about loving someone even through their faults. God bless him, he loves me through mine. At the end of the day, he chooses to be with me, I have given him plenty of opportunities to leave.

    I checked the phone number, it does match up to who he said  it was.

  • imageccarnelli09:


    Yes we are young, and yes, he's had a change of heart, this has happened many times in our relationship. It is always hard at first, but our love always endures.


    In my experience, roller coasters are for theme parks, not relationships. A change of heart many times over is NOT indicative of a commitment to this relationship. What you call love, I see as codependency. 

     

    imageccarnelli09:

    Also, he had also recently gotten a DUI before he left and vowed to never drink again. He came back from training drinking 3-6 beers a day and smoking a pack a day (he had quit before he left). He also came back with 3 tattoos and almost no money. (<---- this is why I don;t want kids for a LONG time. He has A LOT of growing up to do, but isnt that most men at 22?).

    Um, so you are with a man who clearly has an alcohol problem, and puts other lives at risk by drinking and driving.  Has he actually sought counseling or AA for his drinking problem, or did he just "vow" never to drink again?

    He is irresponsible. This has nothing to do with him being 22. Plenty of 22 year old's show more responsibility than this. Stop the "most men" crap and realize this is YOUR husband, not "most men". If he has a "lot of growing up to do" he should not have married you, and you should NOT have married him. You do NOT marry someone hoping they will change. He may NEVER become more responsible.

    And the point is, he made a decision to commit to a marriage.  That means being responsible for his actions, being honest about his actions (i.e. about his spending, about his drinking, about not following through with his promise to stop by getting counseling).

     

    imageccarnelli09:

    After we talked recently, he said he just realized "what a big investment kids are" and how he's sure he'd be a terrible father. I told him that I've made kids my life (career wise) and that if I thought he was going to be a terrible father, I wouldn't have married him. I agreed and said right now, yes, he wouldn't be very good at it. He might even be bad at it. But in 5 or 6 years, it'd be different. What was bothering me most was that he was saying NEVER. Now he's agreed to wait and see. Even if we have to wait until we are thirty, it's worth it.

    What will be "different"? How can you say it will be different? 

    He is telling you clearly he thinks he is going to be a bad father - he is SURE of it. He does not WANT to make that investment. 

    Why are you trying to convince him otherwise?

    How do YOU know he will be a great father? You said before he said he really wanted to be a dad, though he does not like other people's kids.

    I know my own husband would be a great father as I see how he interacts with other children - including children he works with and our nieces and nephews. He connects with them, and they connect with them. I call him the baby whisperer. But, more than that, he is able to appreciate them, listen to them, interact with them, and so forth.  We may not have children, but I do know he will be a great father if we do as I have SEEN it. 

    So now he is saying he will wait and see. Tell, me, when you get to 30, and he still says he is not ready or going to want them...what then?

    imageccarnelli09:

    Now did I open up a can of worms by mentioning all of the other changes? Love is about loving someone even through their faults. God bless him, he loves me through mine. At the end of the day, he chooses to be with me, I have given him plenty of opportunities to leave.

    If that is what works for you, so be it.  It is your life to live, and if this is what you deem that you deserve, there you have it.

    I did not know being dishonest, being very distant, hiding his phone, and not telling you things/not communicating with you could be considered "faults". I consider those major character flaws. It is not like you just differ on which way to roll the toilet paper.

    If you think this is him loving you, your self esteem must be in the tank. 

    Commitment is about far more than him "not leaving" or him living in the same house.  I think he is trying to appease you, and this is ALL going to come out again, hard core, in the future (be it near or far). Just because he is not prepared to leave, does not mean he is committed.

    Is he willing to go to counseling with you? Is he willing to go to AA?


     

    imageccarnelli09:


    I checked the phone number, it does match up to who he said  it was.

    How did you check it?

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