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Trouble with the husband DD'd

10-30-2010 at 4:47 AM
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shelley228...
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Trouble with the Husband...

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Ok so im 21 (yeah i know im young) and i have been married for 3 1/2 yrs i have a 1 year old and a 2 1/2 yr old...ive been with my husband for 6 years all together and we even lived together before we got married and we were both our first bf and gf (just getting you informed a little before i go into the problem)

 ok here it goes.... we have always argued and disagreed at one point or another i mean what normal couple hasnt but here lately its like we dont argue or anything its like we just say hi and goodnight...idk i mean hes working alot here lately but it was going on when he wasnt working as much but now its worse....i dont feel like im getting enough attention he doesnt buy me anything, he doesnt want to watch movies with me hes never suprised me with anything i understand that he works and i have 2 kids all day and when he gets home he helps with the kids a little bit but everything just seems a little off cause i feel like he wants nothing to with me unless he wants to have sex...so i got to the point where i decided to tell him know and i told him why and he doesnt understand i feel like he doesnt care whether im here or not unless im being intimate with him. And now since we are having these problems it seems like i want to leave cause i feel like hes pushing me away and i cant cause im worried about my kids and the way it would affect them and also the fact that i dont believe in divorce all though i dont want to not be happy for the rest of my life or say that im just settling ya know....and on top of the way hes been here lately i also am wondering did i get married to young? is this the right guy for me?  and to make things a little more complicated i cant have an orgasm just from having sex( yeah a little embarrassing but i know that there are a ton of women that cant) and its not that i dont enjoy i just cant that way but anywho so i just catch myself wondering all the time could i if i got with a different guy??? so to sum it all up got married young had 2 kids, we dont communicate very much unless we are joking or talking about bills or something like that, prob in the bedroom and stress cause its all on my shoulders i dont think that he even thinks about it at all except for decrease in sex.So here is my question do i stay or go? and either way are there any ways that you think would be good to try and handle these situations rationally.


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10-30-2010 at 5:24 AM
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pastrypuff...
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Punctuation. 

Mrs. EngineerAaron

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First marathon 3:26:48 
10-30-2010 at 7:16 AM
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Phantomgir...
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Yea you did get married too young, you should be living it up and college and not dealing with issues like this.

It doesn't sound like you guys hang out much or have fun together.  Do you have access to a babysitter?  You guys need to reclaim your youth before it is gone.  What do you like to do, what does he like to do?

Is he worried about finances?  Being financially responsible for a family of 4 at 21 is huge, as is being a SAHM to two small kids.  You guys really need time out.

I would suggest marriage counselling to deal with the lack of communication.  Talk to your local pastor or equivalent and see what?s available in our area.

In regards to sex, does he know that you are not satisfied?  Do you know how to orgasm by yourself?  If you know how to orgasm, show him what to do.  It is as simple as directing his hand and responding positively to every touch.  Men love to hit a home run, I bet he will be more than willing to try.

Remember it is not up to him to initiate conversation, fun or make you orgasm.  You are responsible for your own life.  Take the lead, ask him how his day was, dress up in something sexing and show him how to turn you on. 

Open the conversation up by telling him you are feeling a little detached lately and worried that you guys settled down to early.  Ask him what his thougths are.  Think long and hard about what you want and tell him.  You say he never surprises you anymore, do you surprise him?  Tell him you would like him to watch a movie with you once a week and surprise you with flowers once a month or whatever.  Just as importantly ask him what he needs to make him feel special and connected to you and do it. 

Inject a little fun and spontaneity into your life, your only 21 for god sake.

 


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And now let's go hand in hand, not one before another.
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10-30-2010 at 8:07 AM
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trigal
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image pastrypuff9000:
Punctuation. 

 

and spelling and grammar!

Your post is too difficult to read.  You are writing like a teenager texting.


Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever.

Ironman Lake Placid Finisher, 2006 & 2008 (the year it rained)

Check out my bio for triathlon advice! 
10-30-2010 at 8:40 AM
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TNchickade...
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image shelley2289:
i just catch myself wondering all the time could i if i got with a different guy???

 

This line of thinking might have helped you more about 3 1/2 years ago, but now you have to do what's best for your children. Stop wondering about other guys and start working on your marriage.

Have you actually tried talking to him, asking him what's on his mind? Doing something nice for him when he comes home from working all day? Do you ever buy him anything or surprise him with anything? Are you giving him enough attention?

Your marriage isn't all about you, ya know.


Anniversary
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10-30-2010 at 10:15 AM
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jillboston
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I think you could use some self-confidence. Heck, we all can use some sometimes. You need to build a life that is yours outside of your H's - get hobbies, friends, goals for yourself. That will help you as you make big decisions about your life.

Yes, you got married too young - by my calculation you were married at 16 or 17 and would have had to have the consent of your parents or a judge to do so. 

You can't change what already happened but you can work to make your life fulfilling and meaningful outside of just your relationship with your husband. 

 
10-30-2010 at 11:04 AM
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TarponMono...
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Yes, please: punctuation.

You need to have a very long talk with this guy. Have somebody watch the kids for the night and then discuss throughly how you feel.

Make it clear that you want action: you don't want to be used for sex only and that marriage is much more than chasing after and cleaning up after 2 very small kids, 24/7.

He needs to equal partner the kids -- didn't you discuss this before marriage?

Anybody here will tell you you married waaaay too young. If you had your heart set on this guy,  you should have waited until the both of you were in your mid 20s to marry, but the horse is way out of the barn on this one. (and they also call them first loves for a reason, as somebody on this board is fond of saying)

 


test test 
10-30-2010 at 11:29 AM
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magsugar13
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Ok so im 21 (yeah i know im young) and i have been married for 3 1/2 yrs i have a 1 year old and a 2 1/2 yr old...ive been with my husband for 6 years all together and we even lived together before we got married and we were both our first bf and gf (just getting you informed a little before i go into the problem)

That is the problem!!!!!


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Countdown to Christmas in Switzerland 
10-30-2010 at 12:15 PM
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renegade g...
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But mags, I'm sure they are both way more mature than other people their age and they've been through so much together so they are special and not at all like those other idiots who think it's a good idea to get married when they are still kids!

I would suggest that you get divorced, and for your children's sake, figure out how to co-parent amicably so they don't grow up thinking this is what a healthy relationship looks like.  However, you might be one of those people who refuses to admit her marriage is a joke, even though you went from frequent arguing to not really speaking to each other at all and you have a crap sex life.  If that's the case, you won't have the sense to end the relationship and you'll insist on working it out because for some reason you think you love each other.  So the only possible way anything will get better is if you both make a genuine commitment to counseling, which would be the obvious solution here but the fact that you need strangers on a message board to point it out to you is just more evidence of your lack of common sense.

And whatever you do, use birth control.  For the love of God, use birth control.

 

 
10-30-2010 at 1:11 PM
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Mrs.Masie
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Honestly, I'm surprised you are surprised by all the problems you have. You are 21, married for 3 and a half years wih two kids!!!!!! Seriously? What was the rush? What were your reasons for moving so fast in life before you even got a chance to LIVE life? And don't tell me you had to grow up fast, you're mature for your age and/or you raised your siblings. What you're experiencing is you steadily realizing that you bit off more than you could chew at such a young and tender age. And I'm sure your desire for wanderlust is rearing it's head or manifesting itself in some of the issues you mentioned (eg. Not getting along/lack of communication, no sexual attraction, etc). Unfortunately I don't really know what you could do to try and fix this. You could try counselling, but I wonder if that will actually help. (excuse lack of paragraphs, on the iPhone).

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10-30-2010 at 1:26 PM
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dragon_chi...
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Another example of why we now have the term, "starter marriage."

OP, you obviously made an extremely stupid decision marrying your first sweetheart, next to getting KU at such a young age, of course.  Just on your post alone it is clear that because of these stupid decisions you made you have put yourself to the wayside.  And what I mean by that is that you based on your post you write and sound like you're still a teen.  I am curious as to whether you finished High School and if you are or have been to some sort of college. 

What does this have to do with your problem?  Well, if in the event the two of you end up divorcing and you have only a High School level education than you are screwed.  Sure you can go give counseling a try (as long as your DH is a willing participant) but if that doesn't pan out you will become a single mother.  And a single mother with only a High School education or not even a High School diploma will not get very far with two kids.  You need to take care of yourself first and foremost for the sake of your children.  If that means leaving your DH than so be it.  I'm not a big advocate of divorce unless you've exhausted all your resources (with the exception of such things as abuse, etc.) and I have a feeling that this may be your outcome because of your specific situation.  I suggest you start taking care of yourself NOW to prepare yourself for what may become the inevitable.


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10-30-2010 at 2:19 PM
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shelley228...
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Thank you for the advice:)

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10-30-2010 at 2:43 PM
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zitiqueen
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image TarponMonoxide:

and they also call them first loves for a reason, as somebody on this board is fond of saying

 

Whattup, yo? 

 


fiancee = vag ** fiance = peen
** Babies shouldn't be born with jobs **
**They're called first loves for a reason -- more are supposed to come after. You don't get a medal for marrying your prom date.**

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10-30-2010 at 2:51 PM
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shelley228...
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Thanks to everyone for their opinions and yes so i dont really care to check my puntuation and grammar and spelling im lucky that i have time to write any of this while my kids take a nap much less check over it..

 To answer everyones questions we got married as soon as i turned 18 and he was 21.  And both of our kids were oops but the second i was on bc just didnt work, but now we dont want anymore kids at this point in our life so i have an iud but he is thinking about getting fixed since its easier to reverse if we ever wanted...and yes have a high school diploma and have considered college but havent actually had the chance to go through with it becuase of my kids and the worry of them not getting the attention they need at daycare and all i care about is whats best for my kids. And NO its not all about me and to tell you the truth i could deal with whole orgasm thing it doesnt really get to me until i feel like hes being distant or he only wants to be sweet to me when he wants it. The big thing is we dont do anything together and yes i have suprised him quite a bit ive tried having dinner and a movie at home just to hangout together but as soon as we get done eating he wants to go and watch hunting videos or mess with something outside its like anyting not to be around me...and so i thought ok well maybe if we go out then that would be better and he doesnt want to that its a waste of time and hes tired and understand that hes tired but even when he had a day off all he wanted to do was do things with his friends while i sit at home with the kids. So when it came down to hunting season he likes to go to the deerlease to ive pretty much had to take up a hobby of hunting just to be with him and to get to spend time with him with or without kids.


Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
<IMG src="
fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.

Re: Trouble with the husband DD'd

  • GOD!  I hate when people DD.  I don't think the responses were even that bad compared to what I usually see on here.  I even spent time on this issue too and now it's all for nothing.  She better not be a puss and come back and explain why she DD'd.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Why did she DD? The responses weren't so bad, maybe she didn't like people telling her they were too young to get married?

    I couldn't make it though her update, so her H has threatened to leave her once already? Over the sex thing? Or something else?

  • Yanno how it is: they're all soooooo in luuuurrrve.

    Nothing wrong with that but wait a good several more years until you're done with school and have a couple of good jobs.

  • Don't worry ladies she'll be back in a year or two wondering where she went wrong and on hubby #2~

     



  • Did she really name her kid Hieidi?  Please tell me that's a typo and not a raging case of the stupid.
    This is my siggy.
  • Why is everyone hating on this girl? Okay, she got married young, but so did my parents and they are still together and happy 30 years later. She came here to get opinions and support. I can only hope that you all get the same kind of support when you are posting on here because you think your husband is screwing his secretary. 
  • image abby382:
    Why is everyone hating on this girl? Okay, she got married young, but so did my parents and they are still together and happy 30 years later. She came here to get opinions and support. I can only hope that you all get the same kind of support when you are posting on here because you think your husband is screwing his secretary. 

    We are giving our opinions.  It's a message board, that tends to happen.  I don't see where it's posted that she only gets to have puppies-and-rainbows support though.  Maybe you should point that out to me.  This isn't that kind of board and if you bothered to lurk, you would have figured that out. 

    But thank you for giving us a case study regarding your parents.  You are so right that two completely different people in a completely different marriage and dealing with completely different problems provide such relevant data.  I'll just ignore all the rest of that data that surveys more than 1 marriage and gives us some pretty awful stats regarding young marriage.  And I'll also ignore the specific circumstances of this particular poster's marriage.  Because, dammit, your parents made it work!   

    Confused

    I'm thinking you're another young bride, yes?  Oh, and a long marriage doesn't equal a happy one m'dear.   

    This is my siggy.
  • Thanks for your self-righteous two cents. I'm just a little surprised how belitting you woman are on here. 

     

    No, actually I'm not a young bride. Thank you again for the assumption. 

  • image BowiesInSpace:

    image abby382:
    Why is everyone hating on this girl? Okay, she got married young, but so did my parents and they are still together and happy 30 years later. She came here to get opinions and support. I can only hope that you all get the same kind of support when you are posting on here because you think your husband is screwing his secretary. 

    We are giving our opinions.  It's a message board, that tends to happen.  I don't see where it's posted that she only gets to have puppies-and-rainbows support though.  Maybe you should point that out to me.  This isn't that kind of board and if you bothered to lurk, you would have figured that out. 

    But thank you for giving us a case study regarding your parents.  You are so right that two completely different people in a completely different marriage and dealing with completely different problems provide such relevant data.  I'll just ignore all the rest of that data that surveys more than 1 marriage and gives us some pretty awful stats regarding young marriage.  And I'll also ignore the specific circumstances of this particular poster's marriage.  Because, dammit, your parents made it work!   

    Confused

    I'm thinking you're another young bride, yes?  Oh, and a long marriage doesn't equal a happy one m'dear.   

    Bitter much?  

  • image abby382:

    Thanks for your self-righteous two cents. I'm just a little surprised how belitting you woman are on here. 

    No, actually I'm not a young bride. Thank you again for the assumption. 

    Well, you come across as very young and naive.   

    This is my siggy.
  • image msjamienichole:
    image BowiesInSpace:

    image abby382:
    Why is everyone hating on this girl? Okay, she got married young, but so did my parents and they are still together and happy 30 years later. She came here to get opinions and support. I can only hope that you all get the same kind of support when you are posting on here because you think your husband is screwing his secretary. 

    We are giving our opinions.  It's a message board, that tends to happen.  I don't see where it's posted that she only gets to have puppies-and-rainbows support though.  Maybe you should point that out to me.  This isn't that kind of board and if you bothered to lurk, you would have figured that out. 

    But thank you for giving us a case study regarding your parents.  You are so right that two completely different people in a completely different marriage and dealing with completely different problems provide such relevant data.  I'll just ignore all the rest of that data that surveys more than 1 marriage and gives us some pretty awful stats regarding young marriage.  And I'll also ignore the specific circumstances of this particular poster's marriage.  Because, dammit, your parents made it work!   

    Confused

    I'm thinking you're another young bride, yes?  Oh, and a long marriage doesn't equal a happy one m'dear.   

    Bitter much?  

    How is Bowie's bitter?  Because she's realistic? 

    Please... astound me with your wisdom and explain yourself.

    image
    Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
  • I just love when the people with 1 and 2 posts come out in support of the beebee ops. Of we ALL know who they are!


  • I agree with everything she's saying--I just think the manner of delivery could be taken down a few notches. (And I've seen this quite a few times on these boards. Are you women really all that miserable?) Believe it or not, there is a happy medium between "puppies and rainbows" and a vicious harangue. 

     

    Astounding, I know.  

      

  • image msjamienichole:

    I agree with everything she's saying--I just think the manner of delivery could be taken down a few notches. (And I've seen this quite a few times on these boards. Are you women really all that miserable?) Believe it or not, there is a happy medium between "puppies and rainbows" and a vicious harangue. 

     

    Astounding, I know.  

      

     

    I completely agree. That's the only point I was trying to make.

    And to the above poster... What does having one or two posts have anything to do with how you interact with people? 

    I actually agree that she probably did get married and have kids too young. I'm more or less referring to the comments about her "breeding" and making fun of her child's name. Is that really constructive criticism? I'm just wondering if people would be taking the same condescending tone if they were speaking face to face, instead of hiding behind their computer. 

    I would like to think it's possible to give honest opinions without sounding like a snarky 15 year old. 

  • image BowiesInSpace:
    Did she really name her kid Hieidi?  Please tell me that's a typo and not a raging case of the stupid.

    Judging by the lack of sentances I'm going with raging case of stupid, and like Bill Engvall says, " You can't fix stupid".

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