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help!!! am i crazy?!

hi everyone!

i have a situation that i'd like some advice/opinions on...  my husband and i have been married since may, and we have been together since 2001...through the end of high school, college, med school and now he is in residency.  we have a really, really great relationship and i can honestly say he's my best friend!!  we have very little conflicts so this is why i need some advice.  so here's the deal.  last night he tells me that he's going to the driving range with a (female) coworker of his while i will be working on saturday afternoon.  i've met this girl a couple of times and she has a boyfriend.  she's nice and i have absolutely no reason to believe than anything fishy is going on (i feel really awful even typing that!).  we have never ever had trust issues, but i'd be lying if i said this situation didn't weird me out or make me uncomfortable.  i'm definitely going to talk to him about it asap.  i just think it's weird for a married man to go on an "outing" with another girl?  it'd be a totally different story if a) she was a HE  b) it was a group thing c) he'd do it another time during the weekend and invite me along.  when he mentioned it to me last night, i didn't really say anything but i think he could tell that it affected me in some way. i do NOT want to be the controlling wife here, which is another reason i'm uncomfortable -- it just makes me feel bad that i'm even raising the issue. 

 i guess i just want to know if i'm overreacting/being crazy!??  is this a little weird??  i know his intentions are not bad in any way...in his mind, i'm sure he is just going to the driving range with a coworker who likes to golf.   it just bothers me that it's a one on one thing, and i just think the "rules" are different when you are married.  i have asked myself how would i feel if the situation were reversed, and i would not go on an outing by myself with another guy (single or not).

 thoughts??????  thanks in advance!!! :-)  

 -becca

Re: help!!! am i crazy?!

  • Have you met this woman before?
  • yes i have, twice w/ my husband.
  • image beccastu06:

     thoughts??????  thanks in advance!!! :-)  

    Chill.  With both him and the punctuation.  When you put a question mark at the end of a sentence, I can deduct fully that you are in fact asking a question. Same thing with an exclamation point.

    Do you golf yourself?  Is this something that you and him do together usually, or would it be something you're uninterested in?  If it's the latter, then he probably just wanted a buddy to whack a few golf balls with.

    He's never given you a reason to not trust him
    It's a driving range, not a weekend away
    He's like your best friend

    He doesn't want to hurt you
    He's probably thinking absolutely nothing about it except "Sweet, someone to finally go to the driving range with!"

  • The fact that you have met her says a lot, he isn't hiding that part of the relationship. Do you feel comfortable when you are around her? Do you feel that you would have been included on Saturday's outing if you were not working? I assume by your post that other coworkers aren't going with them...why not?

    In general, I completely understand where you are coming from. This would make me uncomfortable as well. You're not crazy, your cautious. Accidents happen and you don't want (your or your husband) to be caught in the middle of one. Maybe this time say nothing, and trust your husband...but if for some reason they decide to do a little outing again - voice your opinion.

  • Kind of a tough situation.

    Personally, I'd be uncomfortable with it. Still, his openness makes me think nothing fishy is going on here.

    I say so long as they're just golf buddies, it's cool.

    If they start going out by themselves for other outings... then say something.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Why can't he ask you along anyway?

    I don't see any reason why you can't come, even just to watch.

  • image beccastu06:

    hi everyone!

    i have a situation that i'd like some advice/opinions on...  my husband and i have been married since may, and we have been together since 2001...through the end of high school, college, med school and now he is in residency.  we have a really, really great relationship and i can honestly say he's my best friend!!  we have very little conflicts so this is why i need some advice.  so here's the deal.  last night he tells me that he's going to the driving range with a (female) coworker of his while i will be working on saturday afternoon.  i've met this girl a couple of times and she has a boyfriend.  she's nice and i have absolutely no reason to believe than anything fishy is going on (i feel really awful even typing that!).  we have never ever had trust issues, but i'd be lying if i said this situation didn't weird me out or make me uncomfortable.  i'm definitely going to talk to him about it asap.  i just think it's weird for a married man to go on an "outing" with another girl?  it'd be a totally different story if a) she was a HE  b) it was a group thing c) he'd do it another time during the weekend and invite me along.  when he mentioned it to me last night, i didn't really say anything but i think he could tell that it affected me in some way. i do NOT want to be the controlling wife here, which is another reason i'm uncomfortable -- it just makes me feel bad that i'm even raising the issue. 

     i guess i just want to know if i'm overreacting/being crazy!??  is this a little weird??  i know his intentions are not bad in any way...in his mind, i'm sure he is just going to the driving range with a coworker who likes to golf.   it just bothers me that it's a one on one thing, and i just think the "rules" are different when you are married.  i have asked myself how would i feel if the situation were reversed, and i would not go on an outing by myself with another guy (single or not).

     thoughts??????  thanks in advance!!! :-)  

     -becca

     

     


     

    [IMG]http://i56.tinypic.com/141ml8k.jpg[/IMG]
  • I don't see any red flags with this situation at all.  You've met her, he's not trying to hide his friendship with her or this outing at all, and he's never given you any reason to distrust him in 9 years of relationship.  I vote you calm down.
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  • I used to go to the driving range with a male co worker at lunch once a week in nice weather.  My DH had no problem with it.  DH golfs too (and we go to the range together from time to time) but it was just a convienent time (and a great stress reliever) to do at lunch. 

    Sometimes we wouldn't even be next to each other at the range because it was crowded and there were no spots next to each other.

    If you have nothing else to worry about (which it doesn't sound like you do), going to the driving range really is a non issue.  Unless of course you never want him to do anything with a female when you aren't around.  That's a different issue though.

     

  • I work evenings often and my DH goes out with women who are single or with a BF.  I know them, but more importantly, trust him.  He has even gone to the bar with an old single friend from his home town when he visits his family (sometimes I am not able to join him).

    Trust him until you feel you cannot. 

  • I'm on the "chill out" side of the equation. There is nothing in what you wrote that sends up any alarms for me at all.
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • H & I both hang out with friends of the opposite sex, and it's fine.  In fact, today I made plans to go hiking next weekend with a male friend.  H will probably stay home & brew beer that day.  No big deal at all.
  • I absolutely hate HATE the "men and women cannot be friends' mentality.  It is insulting to both of the people involved - your partner and the other person. 

    And were my DH to tell me that I could no longer hang out with the handful of male friends I have or even how I can interact with them, I would leave him...not for the other person, but because my DH did not trust me enough.

    And it is not even about trusting that your partner will not sleep with the other person, but that your partner is SMART ENOUGH to make friends with people who only have good intentions in the first place.  If their judgement is off there, then it must be off in other aspects too.

    So why would you be married to someone who you cannot totally trust in the first place?

    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • I get where you are coming from as DH and I had this issue recently, just in reverse.

    I attend a group on thurs evenings at 8pm.  It is close to where I work but an hour from home.  There is no point in my going home as I would only have 30 mins in the house.  Two of the guys in the group live close to where I work and meet every thurs for dinner in either house.  They invited me and it was way more appealing than hanging out at the mall for 2 hours.  They both have gf?s.

    I talked to DH as it seemed totally weird for me to go to a guys house for dinner ever thurs after work.  Also I knew if the role was reversed I would be uncomfortable.  DH has also met these guys through me.  We agreed to try it and it is totally fine.  There is absolutely no attraction, bad intentions or anything going on.  The three of us meet, take turns in cooking and have a laugh.  DH doesn't even ask me about it anymore, it's been a few weeks but it's now kinda a non-issue for him.

    However, I still think I would be a little uncomfortable if it was him going lol.  But I think that speaks volumes about me.  I think my insecurities stem from the fact that my father started having lunch meeting with a female colleague several years ago and he is now married to her. 

    I guess you should chill out this time BUT if it becomes a regular thing I would tag along once in a while.

     

    [IMG]http://i46.tinypic.com/5bwck7.jpg[/IMG]
  • ok we talked last night and all is well!    he understands where i'm coming from and he was cool about it.  thanks for all the advice/opinions!!
  • Talking to your SO usually solves the problem.
    image
  • If you're uncomfortable with a particular situation...tell him. Every relationship is different. Therefore, the ladies on this board can tell you what they would do, based on THEIR relationship...but I think your best bet is to actually sit down and talk to him about how you're feeling.

    Personally, I would feel a little weirded out by it. But again, it completely depends on your own relationship.

  • Around here, and in my group, friendship isn't gendered. If it usually is for your H, then that is a bit odd to suddenly have a female friend. But, yes, it's still crazy to be even remotely suspicious of someone for going golfing with a friend.

    Also, humor-wise, if you hadn't mentioned she has a boyfriend, I would've told you to relax because a high percentage of female golfers are lesbians.

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