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How do you let out anger/frustration?

My marriage counselor mentioned that she believes I have a very difficult time expressing my anger/frustration/pain. 

This all comes after an extramarital affair that my husband had (I am not seeking advice on that here).

Rather I am wondering how everyone else finds it useful to relieve your anger and stress? Generally, I prefer to keep quite and feel the hurt myself. I am not willing to be violent, etc. but am looking for ideas and solutions.

Thank you.  

Re: How do you let out anger/frustration?

  • Are you looking for advice on how to better express your anger/frustration? Or are you looking for advice on how to relieve anger?

    Express anger: 

    Write it down before you say it. Edit out parts, and if it helps, read what you wrote when you have to express it verbally.

     

    Relieve anger:

    Exercise

    Creative activity (writing, painting, etc)

    Cooking (meat hammering and bread kneading are good)

    (And avoiding caffeine.)

  • I have no idea how I would deal with the reason you are angry/frustrated, but dealing with work stress/frustrations, I work out, get massages and make sure I'm eating right.
  • image Karen2905:

    Are you looking for advice on how to better express your anger/frustration? Or are you looking for advice on how to relieve anger?

    Express anger: 

    Write it down before you say it. Edit out parts, and if it helps, read what you wrote when you have to express it verbally.

     

    Relieve anger:

    Exercise

    Creative activity (writing, painting, etc)

    Cooking (meat hammering and bread kneading are good)

    (And avoiding caffeine.)

    This plus I've heard using a punching bag can help, too.

  • In the same vein of the punching bag idea -- when I'm particularly frustrated about something, I will ride my exercise bike and vent out loud my frustration in an imaginary conversation with the other party.  Usually after a few minutes of ranting, I'm feeling better and just focus on the ride after that.
  • If I'm angry with someone, I try to decide if talking to the person about it will be productive. If it's someone who is generally unreasonable and selfish, I don't bother and then I change my expectations of that person and avoid him or her whenever possible. It's very liberating to just stop caring what people you don't respect think of you.

    If it's a relationship that I want to maintain and I don't want whatever happened hanging over our heads like a dark cloud, I think about how to address the problem ahead of time. I try to calm down and focus more on communicating and resolving the situation than on throwing barbs at the other person and trying to make him or her feel as crappy as I do. I try to begin the dialogue without animosity, even though sometimes it's difficult.

    So, in short, avoid people who stress you out and concentrate on those who really matter. Take time for yourself if you need to.

  • well first and foremost keeping it in is something you have to stop. no matter what other avenue you find for it you've got to let it out. and i mean talking it out-that's most important. talking and crying.

    2nd to that-an activity that you like will help you. take some classes-cooking, reading groups etc.. whatever turns your attention on a regular basis to something else.

    i go for along fast walk or jog. i have a bath. i take my dog to the beach and run around for a while.

     

    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
  • Depends on what I'm angry/frustrated about. I'm very musical, have been playing flute for 17 years, so I usually will play a piece that represents how I feel. Also, my H knows that when I'm practicing that it's "me" time, and leaves me alone until I'm done. So I know that if I don't want to talk about something at that time, I practice. It clears my head and helps me focus on what the real problem is.

     From there I will either discuss it with whomever I'm angry or frustrated with, or put it down on paper. I will sometimes write a "letter" addressed to the party I'm frustrated with, and then tear it up. If I still feel that it's important enough to discuss then I figure out the main points that I need to talk about, and talk to the person about it. I have written down points before, when I've known a conversation might be hard to keep on track, so that I know I still am able to cover all of the points that are important to me. 

    This doesn't work for everyone, but it does for me. There sometimes are people that no matter how you approach them, will always be defensive and not want to hear that you are upset with them. My mother is one of them, so I have to choose which battles I really am willing to fight, knowing that she really won't listen anyways. It's resulted in me presenting things when I find them important enough, usually regarding my H, and then I let her think about it. I refuse to debate it with her. She has a tendency to find a way to turn it around to be your fault. She has used things such as "I can't help the way you feel." "You control your emotions, so if that hurt you, it's not my fault." She also likes to name call, and hold things over your head. She finds anything she can to try to manipulate you into whatever she wants. So, in this case, I usually will not respond or give her anything to use against me. She gets upset that I don't feed into her anger, but eventually it goes by the wayside, and I at least feel okay with the fact that I have said what I needed to, not wanted to.

  • Tennis works for me.  Take some lessons.  I had never picked up a racquet until 5 months ago, but I love it.  Smacking that ball is sooooo satisfying, and it really gets the stress out.  Bonus, your body, especially your arms, will look toned and fabulous.
  • I like the other suggestions that are here already, but I also wanted to add that sometimes it feels great to just scream. If you want to stifle it a bit, put your face in a pillow and just let it out- the most awful, gut-wrenching scream you can muster. It works wonders.
  • Echoing Karen, "are you looking for advice on how to better express your anger/frustration? Or are you looking for advice on how to relieve anger?"

    Express anger: 

    I actually talk about it with my husband (or whoever is related to the anger). I have learned to understand it, acknowledge it, accept it, and express it while taking responsibility for my feelings and so on.

    For many years of my life I too "suppressed it", but in counseling learned to talk about it. 

    That has been a HUGE game changer in my life and my relationships. 

    Keeping it in and just living in hurt (and resentment) is NOT a good way to go about things.

     

    Relieve anger:

    Running

    Yoga

    Going for a massage

    Something else for myself - haircut, etc.

    Sometimes just zone out for a while - go for a walk, read a great book, watch some of my favourite tv shows or movies. 

    Go somewhere away from others and scream or yell really loudly!

  • To relieve anger/stress - I play a good old-fashioned video game.  Right now, I'm on Fallout 3.  The lego series has been kind to me, as well.  

    I also have a dog.  It's impossible to be bitter when there's an adorable, sweet, lives-100%-for-you creature looking up at you with its chocolate-brown eyes.   When I'm that angry at my DH (or at life in general), just about the only thought that can work its way through my head is "I've got my dog" and everything else just melts away.

  • Making the person who has angered me as miserable as I am seems to make me feel much better.
    image
  • image lawright:

    I also have a dog.  It's impossible to be bitter when there's an adorable, sweet, lives-100%-for-you creature looking up at you with its chocolate-brown eyes.   When I'm that angry at my DH (or at life in general), just about the only thought that can work its way through my head is "I've got my dog" and everything else just melts away.

    This is so true!

    I also echo some PPs--I have an imaginary conversation/confrontation, letting it all hang out, with the person. I write out and never send my feelings. I also just check out for a while--take a bath, a nap, read, etc. Some distance from the event or situation can be so helpful.

    For your situation, I would also be focusing on trying to talk my feelings through with my H. He needs to hear it and help you feel heard and understood. 

    [IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/rkd75g.jpg[/IMG][IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/23r1e34.jpg[/IMG]
  • I used to be a big bottle-it-up and deal-with-it-alone kind of person as well.  For me, it was a combination of factors; I'm generally kind of quiet and reserved, plus I generally felt that my feelings weren't justified or that nobody would believe/ care how I felt.  I didn't have the confidence to believe that what I was thinking was worth expressing, or believe that saying something aloud would help- I thought I'd just be dismissed.

    Anyway.  What helped me was to start expressing my feelings in ways that also boosted my confidence and helped me feel good about myself.  Exercise, creative expression (I love music, writing, and quilting)- whenever I would do that I would feel much better about myself and, by extension, feel more confident that I had a right to be mad or was justified in speaking up for myself or whatever.  

    I don't know if any of that is related to what you're dealing with, but if so, I hope it helps.   

  • I vent to my friends.  :)
    [IMG]http://i42.tinypic.com/x200p0.jpg[/IMG]
  • Sometimes I'll just take a drive and turn up the music really loud (usually picking something that fits my mood).  Usually after a couple of songs I've gotten enough of the mad out that I feel like I can be a bit more rational as I work through my feelings.

     Also I'll take a shower or do something very mundane/routine like cleaning the kitchen that doesn't require mental attention so I can be physically moving as I'm mentally working through it.  (Bonus if the kitchen is clean at the end of it and you're less mad).  

     I'm really sorry for what you're going through.  Best of luck.  

  • Wow all of these ideas are very helpful... I have so far used the pet example, taking a dog on a long walk has been very helpful. I plan on looking into some sort of cooking (or similar) class. Meeting new people would be fun as well.

     

    Thanks again - big help! 

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