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Should my husband please his family?

I know that I will probably get flamed for posting this but I wanted to know if maybe I could be right. My husband recently returned from Iraq (on 29 August) and has been working short hours and relaxing at home with me and our 5 year old son. We live in Washington and our families live in WI and IL. Of course we miss them and would love to visit as often as we were able to when he was stationed in KY, bur right now we are very tight on money. Actually, we are hurting pretty bad and are living pay check to pay check because our insurance went up after he got a DUI plus we are living off post (which is pretty expensive) and aren'table to move on post for awhile. We also just paid off his truck and are paying other debts of his. We plan on saving some money and visiting them in June during his summer vacation.

I know he misses his family just like I miss mine. But since we've been married I have noticed that his family just assumes that we have enough money to be able to see them whenever we want. That's just not the case anymore because for one I'm not working anymore and also because we live much further and we can't just magically come up with $800 or more plane tickets. So when his step mother asked him if we'll be visiting soon he told her no but that they are welcomed to come anytime. My husband's father is disabled so his step mom is the one who works and takes care of him. She told my husband that they could possibly make it by us during the spring. We said ok, but if she can't then we'll come next summer. He hasn't seen them since we visited them in May of 2009. By the time we visit it'll be 2 years (one of them he was deployed).

 Well, then he gets a call from his uncle (his dad's brother) which is unusual. I happened to answer the phone since my husband wasn't there and asks to speak with him; I told him he'll get back with him when he gets the chance. My husband has been busy so he completely forgot to call him back. Then today I get an email from his step mom asking me to tell Jeremy to call his uncle. She also mentioned that his uncle wants my husband to visit his father since he is a little depressed because he hasn't seen his son in 16 months. I guess he is offering to pay for the ticket.

I'm a little upset because like I said his family expects him to visit. They don't make the effort or spend the money to see us. Whenever we don't visit his step mother mentions how depressed his father is about my husband not visiting. His father wasn't happy about my husband going into the military and has worried himself to death about his son. It got so bad that my husband eventually left the Army and then realized he got out for the wrong reason (to please his dad) and went back in a couple years later. I'm also upset because this will break my son's heart to see his dad go without him. He was away an entire year and it was very difficult for him so I can imagine how he'll feel when his dad leaves again. I also don't like the idea of letting his uncle pay for his ticket. We are adults (27 and 29) and feel we are too old to accept his offer. We do plan on seeing our families just not when his expects us to. I also didn't mention how angry and resentful my husband acts towards me especially since he's returned from Iraq. He yells, screams, and swears at me and yes it happened again when I told him I felt it was wrong that his family expects him to please them all the time. My family doesn't expect this out of me. If I can't see them then I can't, it's not a big deal to them. I just have the feeling that his uncle is tired of hearing his brother complain about not seeing hi son and feels in order to shut him up he'll pay for my husband to fly and see his dad. I'm a little hesitant because to me it shows that they expect him to drop everything to please his father. Just like they told my husband NOT to tell his father he was deploying until at least a month before he left or else he would go crazy. Really, his step mother did't want to deal with it and that's why she wanted him to keep quiet; she would have rather he not say anything at all but she knew that wasn't going to happen.

So should my husband just go to please his dad and upset our son? Or should he tell them thanks but no thanks but that they are welcomed to visit anytime until we can save enough money to make a trip?

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Re: Should my husband please his family?

  • Why can't these people get it that extra funds are tough for a growing family to find and it's probably rough on your budget to come out to see them?

    Might I ask why a plane ticket for you and your son was not included? I'd be kind of pissed at that.

    Your H should be going because it's affordable for all of you to go, not because his father wants him to come out there. 

    Here is your other problem -- and if i were you, I would NOT tolerate this madness at all:

     I also didn't mention how angry and resentful my husband acts towards me especially since he's returned from Iraq. He yells, screams, and swears at me and yes it happened again when I told him I felt it was wrong that his family expects him to please them all the time.

    He needs to get ahold of himself and grow the eff up. He has no right to talk to you that way -- and I am sure that your son heard this, also. How wonderful to be married to such a great guy.

  • I also don't like the idea of letting his uncle pay for his ticket. We are adults (27 and 29) and feel we are too old to accept his offer.

    'First, get this out of your head.  You're complaining that they won't spend money to come see you, but then you're upset that they are coming up w/ a solution for DH to come see them.  If someone wants to give you all this gift, then you can graciously accept it. 

    You don't tell us what his fathers disability is, but perhaps it's too difficult to travel.  He doesn't work, SMIL "takes care of him".  Traveling may simply be too much for them.

    My advice- tell DH that you're open to going, but it needs to be ALL of you. If his uncle's offer is to just pay for HIM, your DH can say "Well, I'd like to come, but I can't leave lily and DS."

    And here's the kicker- that might be the offer, to pay for ALL of you.  But you actually don't know that yet!  You're making a HUGE assumption and getting all worked up over it.  Who knows what the uncle is actually going to say.

    So- take a step back, see what uncle has to say, tell DH that you're up for going, but that it needs to be all of you. 

    AND tell your DH that he needs to get help.  I can't speak to how war affects people, but we hear all the time about issues w/ soilders once they come home.  He needs help if he's acting out towards  you.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • 1. Why arent you working?

    2. They assume you have enough money probably because they don't know any different.

    3. His father is DISABLED and you are bitching because he wont come to you?

    4. You can't have it both ways...complain they wont spend the money to come see you, yet complain when they offer to pay for him to go there.

    5. Your H hasnt seen his dad in almost 2 years!! He was deployed and back and this poor guy hasnt gotten a chance to see him.

    6. When is oyur H going to  start working full time again?

    I do not understadn why it has to be ALL of you? since it is only possible at this time for him to go I do not understand at all why that is such an issue.

    7.  I'm a little hesitant because to me it shows that they expect him to drop everything to please his father...drop everything? Drama queen much?

    8. You knew you'd get flamed because honestly you sound like a selfish b!tch. You are more worried about YOU not being able to go, or getting your way and you'd rather keep him away from his dad. Nice real nice. I hope your son marries a girl just like you!



  • 1-*Big Major #1*  He has been in Iraq. He's been yelling at you and arguing... is this a new thing since he's come back? Coming back from Iraq could take quite a while to readjust to 'the real world'. If this behavior is new, or escalated since his deployment he needs to check in with a mental health officer for some work on his debriefing.  Aug 29 is not so long ago as far as adjusting back to 'normal'. I'd be concerned he's still got some pressure bottled up from all the crap he had to deal with over there. Would he have been the sort of person to win a DUI before he was deployed? If there are any support groups for families of deployed/returned soldiers then you need to go to the meetings. That isn't calling him crazy. That is finding out what other family has gone through when their loved one came home and how they helped their soldier get both feet back in the US (mentally)and not still stuck in Iraq.

    2- If he wants to go and the family is buying the ticket then let him go home. Are you sure the family said tickets for him only?  At the very least I'd say he should bring his son with him. Perhaps there could be a combined effort between all to purchase tickets for all of you.

     Are you so sure they are deliberately excluding you or might they only have enough to pay for his ticket, or his and son's ticket? Finances are so tight for everyone!!

  • Why are you making this into such a huge deal?

    Your money is tight, so you can afford a plane ticket.  Dh's family can afford a plane ticket and would like to see him since it's been a long time, oh and I don't know, he was at war!  I'm sure they care about you and your DS, but in their list of priorities, your DH who was at war for a year is going to trump you.

    FIL wants to see his son, I'm sure your DH would love to see his father and extended family.  They are willing to make that happen.  You are the only one stopping it.

    And they aren't asking him to drop everything!  Did they say we can pay for your ticket but you must come out next weekend?  I doubt it.  They are probably more than willing to work out a date for something within the next couple months. 

  • image TarponMonoxide:

    Might I ask why a plane ticket for you and your son was not included? I'd be kind of pissed at that.

     Yes.  The issue with this is, he's been away from his WIFE and SON all this time while he was deployed and they want him to leave you guys again to go see them, and not even include you?

    [IMG]http://i42.tinypic.com/x200p0.jpg[/IMG]
  • If it were my husband, I would have no problem with him visiting his dad, but not until he had been home AT LEAST three months!   That means no trip until December.  As much as your H wants to be a "good son," he needs to be a DAD first, and put his son above everything else.  His son hasn't seen him for a year!  As much as you want to feel sorry for the depressed, lonely old disabled dad, he's an adult, and there are disabled people who travel ALL THE TIME, even when they are in wheelchairs. 

    I also think you need to step out of the relationship between DH and his family.  Why is his stepmom emailing YOU to say "uncle is willing to pay for your ticket, FIL is depressed."  Stop being the go-between.  It clearly upsets you, and causes problems in your marriage.  Forward stepmom's email and let your dh handle it.  I have a feeling that Stepmom knows that if she emails YOU, your h will call uncle, but not so certain she would get the same results with an email directly to DH. 

    For me, it wouldn't bother me if DH was asked to travel without me (if uncle paid for my ticket).  I'd be happy to let dh "entertain" his dad and put up with his controlling nature, while I made playdates at the park for my son.   And if that meant that in the summer I didn't have to make a "family trip" to hang with them, all the better.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • image lily2:

    I'm also upset because this will break my son's heart to see his dad go without him. He was away an entire year and it was very difficult for him so I can imagine how he'll feel when his dad leaves again.

     

    Your H has been away from HIS father for TWO years, so imagine how he and his father feel. His father is old enough to fully understand the danger his son was in and from what you've said he has worried himself sick over it. He obviously loves his son very much and deserves a visit. 

  • image lily2:
    But since we've been married I have noticed that his family just assumes that we have enough money to be able to see them whenever we want.

    I'm a little upset because like I said his family expects him to visit. They don't make the effort or spend the money to see us.

    I agree with what Tarpon and ECB said, but just wanted to add that my family is like your quote above. I KNOW this though and I don't try to justify why I am unable to visit as often as they want because they don't understand and it really doesn't matter to me what they think, especially about things they can't understand and don't have all the information. I also recognize that this is who they are - they visit me very very infrequently and have a lot of high expectations that I can just come see them at any given time. I used to get upset over this and held out hope that things would change, but I grew up and realized that this is who they are and it's probably not ever going to change so I've changed my expectation and have been better able to handle disappointment.

    It sounds to me like your husband might benefit from counseling to learn how to put himself and your marriage first before doing whatever his family wants/expects him to do.

  • His debt??? You've had a child together for 5 years, how is this his debt?

    You're real quick to ascribe blame.

  • image ChickenL:

    image lily2:

    I'm also upset because this will break my son's heart to see his dad go without him. He was away an entire year and it was very difficult for him so I can imagine how he'll feel when his dad leaves again.

     

    Your H has been away from HIS father for TWO years, so imagine how he and his father feel. His father is old enough to fully understand the danger his son was in and from what you've said he has worried himself sick over it. He obviously loves his son very much and deserves a visit. 

    Hopefully his father is a grown adult that understands we don't always get what we want.  I cannot fathom anyone who equates 60 year old dad with 5 year old son.  It blows my mind.  A father of a grown man should have learned years ago that he can't see his son all the time without making any effort on his own.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • Seriously? Stop it. You are jealous that he's going to go visit his family. Life has to get back to normal... and sometimes you guys are going to be away from each other. It's a few days visit. It's not about "pleasing his family"... it's about spending time with his father. Get over it, leave it be and let him go have a nice visit. You're being a lil' too controlling right now.

  • Ignoring your actual question for a minute, can I ask why you don't work? If your DH can only handle working part time right now and you are living paycheck to paycheck, I just don't understand why you aren't working. Maybe then you could afford plane tickets to fly your whole family out to visit his dad.
  • image lily2:
    I also didn't mention how angry and resentful my husband acts towards me especially since he's returned from Iraq. He yells, screams, and swears at me and yes it happened again when I told him I felt it was wrong that his family expects him to please them all the time.

    Is your husband getting mental health treatment? If not, he absolutely MUST. If this is new behavior since he got home, it's a result of PTSD and it's likely to get worse, possibly escalating to physical violence. You don't deserve to be treated this way, and it's certainly not anything a child should be exposed to. This will do more damage to your son than his dad leaving for a few days to visit family. If your husband isn't getting help, PLEASE look into the free resources available through the military. This should be your primary concern- not his family, not money.

    With regard to him visiting his family, I can see both sides. My husband went away for a weekend bachelor party not long after he returned from a deployment, and being apart for those two days was much more difficult than either of us anticipated. He called me in tears several times telling me he missed me and he couldn't wait to come home and he just wanted to be sitting on our couch watching TV and sleeping in our bed and getting back into his normal home routine.

    However, it's absolutely understandable that his own parents would want to see him after being apart for so long under such stressful circumstances. It sounds like their expectations of him, and his reaction to them, have been a problem since before he left, and you're probably seeing this situation as an extension of that. Obviously, there are issues with money and timing here, but there is nothing unreasonable about them wanting to see their son. I think in this case, you need to let your husband decide what is best for him. Maybe getting out of the house for a little bit to go visit people who love him would be good for him. Maybe he'll decide that he needs to stay home for awhile longer and readjust to life with his wife and son. Whatever he decides, you AND his parents need to allow him to do what is best for himself. Yeah, it's a bummer that you all can't afford to go for a visit, but if your husband wants to go and his uncle is willing to pay for him, I think he should go. Maybe his uncle can't afford to pay for all three of you. Being tight on money yourself, you should be able to understand that.

    At any rate, I think this particular situation is just a symptom of some longstanding issues that you and your husband need to work out with a marriage counselor, especially with the added emotional issues that frequently arise when someone is sent to a combat zone. You need to find better ways of communicating with each other and negotiating boundaries with the extended family. I don't know specifically what those boundaries should be- every couple is different- but you need to start working as a team if you want to get to a peaceful place in your marriage.

  • Is he yelling in general or about the fact that you keep bringing up that his family wants to see him and it sounds like your H wants to go???

    I would only go if they bought plane tickets for your whole family--your child shouldn't have to watch him leave so soon after returning home.  Then, I would go out and GET A JOB!  You're living paycheck to paycheck, your H just got out of combat and everyone is stressed about it.  Stop acting like a 2 yr old because you can't get exactly what you want.

  • Since OP hasn't been back to clarify, I will just add that her H is not working part-time, as in receiving a part-time paycheck. He makes the same amount of money every month except when he is deployed, and then he makes more.

     OP, why aren't you working? What on Earth did you do with all of your time while H was gone?? You could have been helping pay bills. 

  • It's just a visit. You're combining all kinds of other issues along with this trip idea. It's not completley out of the ordinary for parents to wish to SEE their returing son from military duty. It's hardly on the same scale as their pressure to have him leave the military.

    And why did this get buried in the middle of your post? "I also didn't mention how angry and resentful my husband acts towards me especially since he's returned from Iraq. He yells, screams, and swears at me and yes it happened again when I told him I felt it was wrong that his family expects him to please them all the time." That seems like the MAIN issue in your marriage, hardly a subtext to the noise his family may be making about possible plane tickets and visits.

    It sounds like you have major issues with finances, adjustment, your child's sense of security, life choices and goals.  "Pleasing" parents and calling this unlce back should rate pretty low on your to-do list. Why is it playing front and center? 

  • To me the biggest thing here is your husband is yelling, screaming and swearing at you. You hid it in the middle of your post almost as an afterthought - that is alarming.

    It can be very hard to adjust after deployment (my H is former military as well and had several deployments) but there is no "excuse" for his yelling, screaming and swearing, being resentful and angry at you (or getting DUI's). That is emotional and verbal abuse. Maybe it is due to PTSD or other things, but it is still no excuse. He needs to be taking advantage of the counseling resources - as do you as it almost seems you "expect" that from him which makes me wonder about the dynamics of your relationship overall. The fact he has got a DUI, etc....well, makes me wonder about everything else about this relationship. It sounds incredibly unhealthy overall, and the "family visit" thing is only a symptom of much larger issues.

    Really, THAT issue above is the MAIN issue here and the one that needs to be addressed.

    As to the other stuff...if his parents want to buy him a ticket to go visit for a few days, meh, I do not see the big deal. This way he can go visit, and then you can all see them together in a few months. I do think he should wait until 3-4 months after he has been home though from his deployment before going. I do not see where they "expect" or demanded he visit....they have extended a way to make it possible for him and told him they want him to visit. Clearly your husband would not go if he really did not WANT to go at all.

    I can understand his dad being worried and stressed, and if he is disabled I am sure that is not helping matters for him, and wanting to see him. Both my H and I live apart from our families, and cannot visit them often, but we do jump on the chance if we can - usually together, but not always. 

    I see an AWFUL lot of projecting on your part in your post on a LOT of different issues and you are also using your son as a bartering tool to guilt your husband. Let your husband talk to your son himself and explain what is going on. I bet your son will be a lot more understanding than you seem to be being. To me it seems like "this trip deal" is somewhere you are focusing your energies to ignore the other things or to project your own unhappiness and issues.

    Also, if your budget is so tight...why are you not working?

     

  • Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Debt, a DUI, and he screams at you?  And you're worried about family visits?
    image
  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Debt, a DUI, and he screams at you?  And you're worried about family visits?

    I miss you when you're not around :-)

    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
  • I recently got out of the military and I was staying at home with our son before he started kindergarten. There's no way we could have afforded to pay for child care....I wouldn't be making enough money for that. No, I wasn't working but I was also not spending all his money. I put away enough money to pay off his new truck and took care of everything at home by myself the entire time he was gone. I will add this though. When I was working he completely took advantage of me and spent all of our money and made our account negative, lied to me about spending money, hid a credit card from me, and on top of it got a dui and made our insurance spike up. So, even when I was working we were tight on money because of poor choices he made. Now that I'm not working he's realizing that this marriage includes 3 people not just himself. Before, for whatever when I was working he failed to realize that. We are always paying off his debts. We just paid $11,000 on his truck to pay it off so that we wouldn't have to make monthly payments on it. We are paying a credit card I had no clue about and only just found out about it while he was deployed. We are also paying an extra $100 or more on insurance since he received his DUI. Like I said, we are going to visit his family next summer when we can afford to go as a family. When he was stationed in KY we went to visit family twice a year or sometimes more. But it was easier then because we could just drive. His father hasn't been bothering us or pestering him about visiting. Don't you think that if my husband really wanted to see family he would make it a priority to save money so we can see them instead of continuosly making poor choices and failing to realize how that affects things? His family probably thinks we can't afford things because he doesn't make enough money. That's not true, he's been in the Army for 10 years...he makes good money. The problem is the choices he's made are finally catching up to him now that there's only one income.
  • I believe the first thing to approach here is your husbands anger issues. My cousin just got out of the marines and was deployed in Iraq for a while.  He is in counseling now for some major post depression/anxiety issues (he was deployed in Iraq about 2 years ago) and is still going through this.  According to my family, he's had some major anger issues/outbursts and has been drinking heavily.  You need to get him to address these things now....support group, medication, etc.

    Secondly, with regard to the traveling to see his parents, I do believe you are slightly overreacting but I understand your frustrations.  My thoughts...

    • If father is disabled, they may not be able to fly/travel so easily. If they are not around you guys, they are also probably not aware of your financial burdens or the anger issues your husband has. They probably need a gentle reminder or discussion (with in the limits you are willing to provide them).
    • The money from his uncle is a nice gift and I feel you are being selfish as a wife and daughter in law by not allowing him to accept it....especially if father can not travel easily.
    • Explain to inlaws that that you guys are worried about son being away from dad and the trauma it might put him through right now and that he is priority #1 (as well as ensuring your husbands health).  That being said, I do not believe you need to be around eachother 24/7, and I believe children are really fairly resilient. While you need to be considerate of their needs, life does need to get back to normal and that means being apart every once in a while. Accept the money for the visit but set some boundaries with them. "We are thankful you are offering the money and would love to accept so that huband x can see his dad. That being said, we are really concerned about our son and do not feel comfortable leaving him until X month.  I hope you can understand the situation but you are always welcome to come down here for a visit."

    Overall, with regard to your inlaws, I think you need to simply open the lines of communication with in the boundaries you allow, i.e. how much of your financial situation you want to devulge is up to you or how much detail you want to devulge on the difficulties your husband is going through emotionally is up to you, so that they have an understanding of why you are not seeing them.  If you put yourself in their shoes, it looks like your husband just got back from Iraq, where he's been for a year,  and hasn't even been up to see his parents since his return, nor is he apparently returning their phone calls/emails. Lets face it, it doesn't look good on your part.  Don't just assume they understand what you guys are going through, some people need a little reminder.....and you guys will need lots of support from extended family for life to return to normal.  Good luck.

  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Debt, a DUI, and he screams at you?  And you're worried about family visits?

    He hasn't got a war-related PPD or anything like that. He's a jerk and an azzhole and it's probably been an ongoing situation.

  • image lily2:
    Don't you think that if my husband really wanted to see family he would make it a priority to save money so we can see them instead of continuosly making poor choices and failing to realize how that affects things? The problem is the choices he's made are finally catching up to him now that there's only one income.

    I agree with this. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. Yelling at you and taking out frustrations on YOU? This is completely unacceptable; You definitely have bigger problems than being able to visit his family, and you two need to work on these first and foremost. Since this travel issue is bothering you so much, I agree with the PP that said to stop being the go-between for his family's communication. There is no reason for MIL to email you just so you can tell your H to call his uncle. This is just silly.

  • image lily2:
    When I was working he completely took advantage of me and spent all of our money and made our account negative, lied to me about spending money, hid a credit card from me, and on top of it got a dui and made our insurance spike up. So, even when I was working we were tight on money because of poor choices he made.

    This is not good at ALL. I think this needs to be addressed with a professional too, on top of his anger management/PTSD.

    [IMG]http://i42.tinypic.com/x200p0.jpg[/IMG]
  • Dude.  If his family wants to pay for a ticket for him to come home for the weekend, shutup and let it happen.

    And when he's there, change the locks, because he sounds like a class-A douchepurse.

    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
  • First of all, I'm sure many ppl have already mentioned that your H needs to seek counseling if he's not in it already. 

    Second, I think a trip home would be good for him.  I have no idea why he can't just go without you and your child.  He's not leaving for a year- it would be a quick visit.  I think you are so wrapped up in your own feelings that you're not seeing that a visit with his father is something that he really NEEDS!  Someone is offering to pay for the ticket- I don't understand why you can't make this happen for your H.  You don't really want to put him in a position to have to choose between his ailing father and his wife & child, do you?

  • I recently got out of the military and I was staying at home with our son before he started kindergarten. There's no way we could have afforded to pay for child care....I wouldn't be making enough money for that. No, I wasn't working but I was also not spending all his money. I put away enough money to pay off his new truck and took care of everything at home by myself the entire time he was gone. I will add this though. When I was working he completely took advantage of me and spent all of our money and made our account negative, lied to me about spending money, hid a credit card from me, and on top of it got a dui and made our insurance spike up. So, even when I was working we were tight on money because of poor choices he made. Now that I'm not working he's realizing that this marriage includes 3 people not just himself. Before, for whatever when I was working he failed to realize that. We are always paying off his debts. We just paid $11,000 on his truck to pay it off so that we wouldn't have to make monthly payments on it. We are paying a credit card I had no clue about and only just found out about it while he was deployed. We are also paying an extra $100 or more on insurance since he received his DUI.

     

    Christ on a cracker -- he hid money from you and spent whatever money you had??

     You should have booted him out the door the second you saw him pull that kind of bullshit on you; whyyyy are you still with him???

    And a DUI. Tell us: is he an alcoholic, too? or did he just have one beer and just get caught by the cops?

    You need to get rid of this POS -- he has no respect for you at all and he's got a spending problem. This isn't a grown man you married; I don't know what he is but it's not a grown man who has respect for his wife.

     He hasn't got PTSD. He's just a garden variety scumbag who has no respect for his wife.

    And his wife is somebody whose self esteem is in the toilet. Why she stays with him? YOu can ask her.

  • Okay, it's obvious that you have very serious problems in your marriage, and those issues have been there since before he was deployed.  That you keep glossing over these things and bringing the discussion back around to his family is extremely troubling.  His family is not the problem.  HE is the problem, and for some reason you chose to marry him and have a child.  You need to stop blaming everything on his family and start holding him accountable for his actions.  Your son is growing up thinking this is how husbands and wives are supposed to relate to each other.  If YOU don't do something, I guarantee he will grow up to treat women as despicably as your husband treats you.
  • What do you want addressed first? As for a trip home if uncle is paying for it, it's not your decision. You have a say in the decision making process, but ultimately it's DH's decision to make. His family, his father, his choice.

    A H or W should never make their spouse feel guilty about wanting to see their family.

    I was military for 12 years - you get a lot of time to reflect on what matters most in life. Family is #1, and you are not the only family he has. Your son will understand - and you can make it much easier for him since it will only be for a short time,  he can talk to him every day, and there will be a clearly planned out flight home.

    DH just got home from war. The adjustment to family life is severe and hard. Give him some time. He'll come home again. It's hard to see him go, but he will come home again.

    But - with that said - you need to assert yourself in the life you share with him. Financial counselling is a must. And you never mentioned where all the debt came from? What else is he hiding?

    Again - his family visit is his choice - but finances that involve you is partly your choice.

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