Family Matters
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Need advice

DH and I decided not to fly home to see our families over the holidays because it was too expensive and hard to see everyone (our families do not live near each other).  My parents then suggested that they and my grandparents would come to my grandparents condo (which is 4 hours away from us) instead.  We thought that was a great idea at the time, but recently Dh has been bummed about not getting to see his family for a very long time and suggested inviting his 14 yr old sister to come for the holidays. 

DH thought is that he gets 1.5 weeks off over Christmas and his sister also has a break at this time. Sister is bummed about Christmas at home this yr because DH is gone, and their grandparents also are not around this year.  In addition, they had to sell their house and now live in a tiny apt. If sister comes when she has another break, DH won't be able to take time off bc he needs to save his other time for when we are going to Europe in June with my parents. 

We didn't work any details or even ask his sister yet, but I mentioned this to my mother the other day and she got really upset.  She said some very negative things about DH's sister and his family always inviting themselves everywhere, even though I told her no one had even been asked yet. We talked again today and she was so mad at me for even suggesting to have his sister coming.  I said we could just have Christmas at our house and she got even more mad.  She said her and my grandparents are going to the condo and if we can come, then great if not, she didn't care.

The thing is, I'm not really sure where this is all coming from.  The whole reason my family is even coming to our state is because they wanted to spend Christmas with us.  They decided to go to the condo because it is more of a vacation spot then where we live and we really had no reason to be where we live. I also know that my dad and grandparents would be willing to either have sil come to the condo as well or have christmas at our house so that we can all be together.

I guess I just need help seeing her side of this and why she is so angry.  I get that it's not ideal to change any plans right now, but really no plans have been made, nothing booked, no dates even set. And sister hasn't been asked or we don't  even know if she will be able to come. 

Re: Need advice

  • Sounds like your mom got it all worked out in her head how she wanted the holidays to go and in her head it was only YOUR  or her family and now youve changed it...

    not that thats acceptable, thats just what it sounds like to me my Mom is similar. she would flip if I wanted to bring DH's sister (same age) to family christmas bc she would feel like it is an "our" family event

    Tell her to suck it up or do you own thing with DH"s sister who deserves to be able to see her big brother for the holidays!

    Hope that midlle part made sense?? it did in my head....lol

     

  • image MiniMama2011:

    Sounds like your mom got it all worked out in her head how she wanted the holidays to go and in her head it was only YOUR  or her family and now youve changed it...

    not that thats acceptable, thats just what it sounds like to me my Mom is similar. she would flip if I wanted to bring DH's sister (same age) to family christmas bc she would feel like it is an "our" family event

    Tell her to suck it up or do you own thing with DH"s sister who deserves to be able to see her big brother for the holidays!

    Hope that midlle part made sense?? it did in my head....lol

    That's basically what I just told her a little while ago and it just made her even more mad.  I think I need to give her a few days to cool off, I guess I just never expected her to get this upset about DH wanting to invite his sister. DH is being amazing and saying that his sister can just come another time and that he didn't mean to create drama, I just feel awful my mom is acting like this.

    I guess I just don't get that if they were truly coming to visit us, it wouldn't matter where we were as long as we were all together.  Guess not. 

     

  • There is no need to see her side of the story..she is acting like a 5 year old who isnt getting her way.

    You can invite whoever youd like to stay with you, and dont need her permission.

     She isnt telling you the reason because she doesnt have one, except she wants you allto herself.

    I'd call her bluff.



  • image magsugar13:

    There is no need to see her side of the story..she is acting like a 5 year old who isnt getting her way.

    I agree. I think it would be terrible to tell your DH that he can't have his sister visit because your mom will throw a tantrum.

     

  • Also, your actions here will set a precedent. You can either show your mother that her tantrums and bad behavior will get her nowhere, or you can show her that she can talk sh!t about your DH's family and you will cave.
  • The rude comments about your SIL taken out of the equation, you do realize that YOU were rude right?

    You made plans with someone.  Those plans were to be held at their home.  You then persumptuously thought to invite someone else to their home. 

    If this were reverse, say a MIL coming to visit you and she decided to bring a cousin without asking, we would all be about how RUDE the MIL was and telling the OP to stand firm. 

    So why is it ok for the reverse?

    You don't get to change RSVPed plans because something better came along.  it is rude.

    And if the SIL is having such a hard time, have her come and visit for the New Year. 

    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • I'm w/ Maybride- call her bluff.  I would simply say "As it's x-mas, I thought you'd understand DH wanting to see some of his family. As this is a problem for you, then DH and I will stay at home instead w/ SIL."

    I can kind of see the point that you are looking to invite someone to an event that's not at your house, BUT, you haven't actually invited SIL yet. You're telling your mom "this is what we were thinking of doing".  And she flipped out.

    If this were just "any" time of the year, I may say she's right.  But it's CHRISTMAS.  THe fact that she can't see that and can't understand that your DH would like to see his family - that's really unfeeling on her part.  This is ONE person, and a child to boot. 

    I agree give her time to cool off, then talk to her again.  But as another person pointed out - look at this from your DH's eyes.  If my IL's were acting like this over my family, I'd be really upset and yeah... don't know how anxious I'd be about going to Europe w/ them. 

    That's the other point- your DH is saving all his vacation time to be w/ YOUR FAMILY.  THen on top of that, YOUR FAMILY is being pissy that he dare to want to see HIS FAMILY (and only 1 member at that) over the holidays.  I'd remind your mom of this. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
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  • image EastCoastBride:

    I'm w/ Maybride- call her bluff.  I would simply say "As it's x-mas, I thought you'd understand DH wanting to see some of his family. As this is a problem for you, then DH and I will stay at home instead w/ SIL."

    I can kind of see the point that you are looking to invite someone to an event that's not at your house, BUT, you haven't actually invited SIL yet. You're telling your mom "this is what we were thinking of doing".  And she flipped out.

    If this were just "any" time of the year, I may say she's right.  But it's CHRISTMAS.  THe fact that she can't see that and can't understand that your DH would like to see his family - that's really unfeeling on her part.  This is ONE person, and a child to boot. 

    I agree give her time to cool off, then talk to her again.  But as another person pointed out - look at this from your DH's eyes.  If my IL's were acting like this over my family, I'd be really upset and yeah... don't know how anxious I'd be about going to Europe w/ them. 

    That's the other point- your DH is saving all his vacation time to be w/ YOUR FAMILY.  THen on top of that, YOUR FAMILY is being pissy that he dare to want to see HIS FAMILY (and only 1 member at that) over the holidays.  I'd remind your mom of this. 

    This is exactly how I feel and what I tried to explain to my mom, but she didn't want to hear it.  I do understand that its not what we had originally talked about and planned, but it is Christmas and Dh misses his family.  

    I'm wondering if my mom is stressed about something else because I honestly never would have even brought this up to her if I thought she would act like this.  I was really just calling to talk to her about it and try and work something out so that everyone could be happy.  

     

  • image magsugar13:

    There is no need to see her side of the story..she is acting like a 5 year old who isnt getting her way.

    Yes ma'am!!!

    I mean, really, would it truly kill them for you to bring ONE more person - your husband's kid sister - along with you on CHRISTMAS? I mean, this IS the time for family and caring and sharing, right? Pretty cold-hearted of her to have such a hissy fit over this, IMO.  My IL's would be perfectly fine if both my parents AND my sister and BIL joined us for their family shin dig on Christmas because sharing time with family is what the holidays are all about!!!!

    [IMG]http://i42.tinypic.com/x200p0.jpg[/IMG]
  • image Ilumine:

    The rude comments about your SIL taken out of the equation, you do realize that YOU were rude right?

    You made plans with someone.  Those plans were to be held at their home.  You then persumptuously thought to invite someone else to their home. 

    If this were reverse, say a MIL coming to visit you and she decided to bring a cousin without asking, we would all be about how RUDE the MIL was and telling the OP to stand firm. 

    So why is it ok for the reverse?

    You don't get to change RSVPed plans because something better came along.  it is rude.

    And if the SIL is having such a hard time, have her come and visit for the New Year. 

    I do understand that it's not ideal to invite SIL to my grandparents, but I haven't invited anyone anywhere yet.  I was just talking to my mom because DH had expressed interest in having his family around for the holidays.

    As far as the situation of my mom coming and inviting a cousin without asking, I find that a little strange.  If she just showed up at my door and managed to hide it from me that they just drove or flew over 20 hours, I would just find that odd. But that's not really the situation here, if she asked (like I did) then I would be thrilled.  We have the room for it and I don't get to see my family often so the more the merrier for Christmas!

    I would love for the SIL to come for the NY, but when we talked to the tentative plans with my family, we were spending the entire time from Christmas til the day after new years with them.  We know that we could divide the time and leave the vacation early to come home and have SIL come, but we didn't want to have to cut the time short with my family either.  We thought we could all be together and not have to miss anytime with anyone. 

    And no RSVP's have been made, no flights have been booked or dates decided on my families end to when they were coming down. We never said we would be there for certain dates, nor did they or SIL. Things are still in the planning stages and all I did was suggest something different than what was already suggested.  

  • Just curious if the decision to not fly home for the holidays due to expenses was because you would have to fly to 2 different locations (his family and yours). If so, I would say use your holiday vacation time to see his family, and your additional vacation time for the Europe trip with your family. Your mom sounds like she's being selfish. She wants all of your vacation time and won't even share one holiday with his sister? Not cool. My DH and I decided before we were married which families got which holidays. It saved us a lot of headaches. If everybody lives in different places, you just can't see everyone on one hoilday.

    Normally I wouldn't suggest breaking established plans, but this sounds like a crappy holiday to me - your DH will be missing his sister, your SIL will be missing your DH, your mom might be hostile, and you would have to try and make everyone happy. Salvage the holidays and head to his family's if you can afford the one trip.

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  • image Estwd2:

    Just curious if the decision to not fly home for the holidays due to expenses was because you would have to fly to 2 different locations (his family and yours). If so, I would say use your holiday vacation time to see his family, and your additional vacation time for the Europe trip with your family. Your mom sounds like she's being selfish. She wants all of your vacation time and won't even share one holiday with his sister? Not cool. My DH and I decided before we were married which families got which holidays. It saved us a lot of headaches. If everybody lives in different places, you just can't see everyone on one hoilday.

    Normally I wouldn't suggest breaking established plans, but this sounds like a crappy holiday to me - your DH will be missing his sister, your SIL will be missing your DH, your mom might be hostile, and you would have to try and make everyone happy. Salvage the holidays and head to his family's if you can afford the one trip.

    Both reasons, we don't have the money and its 2 hard to see 3 families over a short amount of time (dh's family is divorced).   

  • image honey12345:

    This is exactly how I feel and what I tried to explain to my mom, but she didn't want to hear it.  I do understand that its not what we had originally talked about and planned, but it is Christmas and Dh misses his family.  

    I'm wondering if my mom is stressed about something else because I honestly never would have even brought this up to her if I thought she would act like this.  I was really just calling to talk to her about it and try and work something out so that everyone could be happy.  

    well, I still stand by what I said - call her "bluff".  For a few reasons.  1- she's being an a$$.  2- how she is treating your DH is inexcusable.  If it isn't a "bluff" and if she says "If SIL is w/ you, don't come", then too bad- you spend the holidays home w/ your DH and SIL.

    Right now, this is about your DH too.  If my MIL acted like this in your situation and my DH was like "Oh well- you can't see your family at all.  My mom is upset", I'd be PISSED at my DH. 

    This is actually an issue where you need to back your DH up.

    Again, give her a couple days then talk to her.  Approach it from the "are you o.k." point of view, though.  And proceed.  See if she changes her tune. Hopefully she will. 

    But I wouldn't over explain things. I'd tell her "we are spending all of X-mas and our vacation w/ you all.  I think the little I can give DH is to at least see his sister.  If you don't agree, then that's fine.  But then we'll be staying at home.  I will miss you, but DH deserves to see some of his family too". 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Ditto ECB 100%.

    And if she does agree to have SIL come to the condo with you, you also need to be prepared to go home if your mom starts being a b!tch to SIL (and I would tell her that in advance actually).

  • I agree with ECB too. You absolutely have to stand up for your DH right now. Your mom was out of line.
  • Usually these posts involve a MIL and a DH that bows to MIL which causes marital problems.  So I am going to give the same advice as I would in those situations and that other PPs have already reiterated. 

    You need to stand up to your mother and let her know that your DH and his feelings are very important to you and that it is only fair that he get to spend time with his family (SIL) as well.  Let her know that if SIL is not welcome for the holidays at the condo then you will be spending the holidays with DH and his SIL at your place.

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  • Ditto ECB as per usual, and LOL at your mother's version of embodying the Christmas spirit.
    In case you're wondering where everyone went: http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi
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