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Moral dilema - advice needed

Background - my grandmother died today, she was 89 and was "ready" to go, lost the will to live, etc (my grandfather has been gone for 6 years and he was her rock - we realized very quickly after he died that he had kept her in line alot)

 she always was unloving to her kids and grandkids.  She would stay in the kitchen and cook and clean up after my grandpa while he played games with us, sung us songs, etc

I was VERY close to my g-pa and crushed when he died in 2004,

In 2006, my mom moved from NY to GA with my g-ma and they lived together....I cannot even begin to list the torture that my g-ma put my mom through (physical abuse, verbal abuse, accusing my mom of stealing from her, etc)

 after 5 years of that abuse, my mom left and moved to NC (10 minutes from me)

Now that my G-ma has passed, I am NOT planning on going to her funeral or wake.  I just cannot get over how she treated my mom (who is an amazing woman with a caring soul but has a tendency to let people walk all over her)

my grandma also wrote my dear sister off after acusing her of stealing her stuff while my sister was helping them pack up their respective houses in NY

long story short, I know the family will be upset that my sister and I are not there (my mom will not be there as she just had a complete hip replacement and will be in rehab (PT rehab, that is ...lol).  the ONLY reason I was considering going would be to support my mom, but now that she is not able to go, I will not be going

I was thinking once my mom gets back on my feet we can go to NY and visit her grave and pay our respects

am I a heartless ***?  what would you do in my situation??

 

thanks, sorry so long

Re: Moral dilema - advice needed

  • Honestly, I think wakes/ funerals are more to show your support for those who lost a loved one.  If I were personally close to the deceased, I would go purely to pay my respects to their memory.

    But I don't see why you need to go just for appearances sake when you don't care to go and your mom won't be there. Some may say "you may regret it".  But you don't know if you will, and you might regret it if you do go! 

    A person being "family" doesn't make them someone we'll necessarily love, and a person dying isn't going to make them a saint or someone who you NOW "love".  I personally don't see that death absolves someone of all their wrong doings in life or will make people suddenly miss them.

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  • image EastCoastBride:

     

    A person being "family" doesn't make them someone we'll necessarily love, and a person dying isn't going to make them a saint or someone who you NOW "love".  I personally don't see that death absolves someone of all their wrong doings in life or will make people suddenly miss them.

     

    thank you for this and I agree completely...it may sound harsh and all that, but this is the type of woman who deserves an empty funeral home....I am more upset at myself that I feel this way though, that is not "like" me.  I am a loving and caring person but the way she treated my mom, she is not family to me......

     

    thank you !!!!!!

  • do you think its possible she acted that way because she suffers from dementia or some form of Alzheimers??

    Someone at that advanced age tends to have issues like that and some of the things you described sound as if that may have been an issue??

  • Elizabeth Taylor loved Michael Jackson dearly, but didn't attend his funeral When people asked her why she wasn't there, she replied "Michael knew how I felt about him while he was alive.  How I feel about him is between us, and not a public event."

    At first when you said how she cleaned up in the kitchen while you played with grandpa, I thought you were being a little unfair - - after all, for that generation, cooking for the ones you love and keeping a clean house were how you showed you loved your family.

    BUT....given the additional info, I wouldn't attend either.  And I would refuse to talk about it with "the rest of the family" because my relationship with grandma isn't their d*mn business.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • In my opinion, funerals are for the mourners, not for the deceased. If you are close to the rest of your family who will be attending the funeral and you wish to be with them/support them in their time of mourning, then it can't hurt to go. I don't think showing up to a funeral implies you're condoning the deceased's behavior while she was alive. However, if you think you'll feel uncomfortable there, there is no shame in not going. And if any of your family act put out by it, just tell them you chose to mourn her in your own way. No rehashing the past needed.
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  • image MiniMama2011:

    do you think its possible she acted that way because she suffers from dementia or some form of Alzheimers??

    Someone at that advanced age tends to have issues like that and some of the things you described sound as if that may have been an issue??

     

    her memory was fine, just her demeanor was off but she was always cold and unloving.....

  • I don't think you have to go to the funeral. I will point out that you sound very angry and now that she's dead you will need a way to put those feelings to rest.  Some people do that at funerals. It's not all tears and 'honoring' the deceased, sometimes it's putting an ending to a life, especially a hostile bitter life.

    If you don't particiapte in the service, I hope you find some other way to put an end to this raw bitterness. For your own sake, for your mother's sake, not for your g-mother's sake.  For you.

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  • image stephanief2476:
    image MiniMama2011:

    do you think its possible she acted that way because she suffers from dementia or some form of Alzheimers??

    Someone at that advanced age tends to have issues like that and some of the things you described sound as if that may have been an issue??

     

    her memory was fine, just her demeanor was off but she was always cold and unloving.....

    well really irregardless if you dont wanna go dont

  • Do you love the people who WILL be at the funeral? If so, I'd go. Making a statement by not going to the funeral can be very painful to the mourners and other family; so if that's how it's going to 'come down', I'd be more likely to go than not.

    And there is always the 'give the public what they want and they'll come" theory of going to funerals of people you despise.

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  • image Sue_sue:

    Do you love the people who WILL be at the funeral? If so, I'd go. Making a statement by not going to the funeral can be very painful to the mourners and other family; so if that's how it's going to 'come down', I'd be more likely to go than not.

     The only people there that I can say I love would be my uncle and his family.  I already reached out to him and explained my feelings.  I am definitely not going but thanks to everyone who responded.  I appreciate the feedback :)

  • Regardless of your feelings for your gma, I would go to support your mother and any other family members who would appreciate your presence. If it gets too irritating for you to be there, offer to make some food runs for your family or to transport family members to/from their homes or hotels. Despite the way she treated your mother, she still felt it necessary to care for your gma. Be there for your mother. I am certain she will appreciate it, especially if she knows how you felt about your gma.
  • If you don't want to go, then don't.

    Just don't make this into a big issue -- if it comes up, just say simply "I wasn't able to attend," and don't go any further. 

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  • Understandable that you'd not be going to honor her.

    Does your mom have any wishes that maybe you would go as her proxy?

    See if the funeral home does any video taping or webcast of the services in case your mom wants to later see the services. It may sound odd, but it's done on a more frequent basis now. 

  • So your mom put up with your Gma's abuse, and you are unhappy with your Gma?  As people are so fond of saying on this board, "You have a mom problem, not a Gma problem".  And this is coming from someone who has an awful gma w/ a dad and aunt who have enabled her though out her whole life. 

    I agree w/ livinitup.  You need to deal with the hurt/bad feelings/etc with your grandmother.  Otherwise you will be carrying around that bitterness for the rest of your life.  Going to her wake/funeral might give you the opportunity to connect with others to help you through this. 

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  • image MiniMama2011:

    do you think its possible she acted that way because she suffers from dementia or some form of Alzheimers??

    Someone at that advanced age tends to have issues like that and some of the things you described sound as if that may have been an issue??

    This is what I was thinking.  Expecially when you talked about the physical abuse she gave your mom.  All of what you are saying sounds like Dementia.  My grandma had that.... and it was awful.  I was her care taker and got some pretty nasty comments and a black eye once.  I was trying to help her put on her night-gown.  She would fight and slap and be mean as hell.  She wasn't always like that either.  The doctor said it was the disease.  It is brain death. 

    As far as going to the funeral, you don't have to if you don't want to.  Like another poster said.  Wakes/Viewings are more for the deceased's family.  I think you are more worried about what they will think if you don't go.  If you are worried about that just send flowers to the Funeral Home for her funeral... but honestly I don't think you need to.

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  • image northtamarack:

    So your mom put up with your Gma's abuse, and you are unhappy with your Gma?  As people are so fond of saying on this board, "You have a mom problem, not a Gma problem".  And this is coming from someone who has an awful gma w/ a dad and aunt who have enabled her though out her whole life. 

    What??? So now you are blaming the victim of the abuse??
  • image casmgn:
    image northtamarack:

    So your mom put up with your Gma's abuse, and you are unhappy with your Gma?  As people are so fond of saying on this board, "You have a mom problem, not a Gma problem".  And this is coming from someone who has an awful gma w/ a dad and aunt who have enabled her though out her whole life. 

    What??? So now you are blaming the victim of the abuse??

     

    yeah, I am not sure I understand that comment either.  I do not have a "mom problem", I have a problem with someone who abused my mom and treated her like dirt when my mom was the only one (out of 3 siblings) who did anything for my gma

  • image northtamarack:

    So your mom put up with your Gma's abuse, and you are unhappy with your Gma?  As people are so fond of saying on this board, "You have a mom problem, not a Gma problem".  And this is coming from someone who has an awful gma w/ a dad and aunt who have enabled her though out her whole life. 

    I agree w/ livinitup.  You need to deal with the hurt/bad feelings/etc with your grandmother.  Otherwise you will be carrying around that bitterness for the rest of your life.  Going to her wake/funeral might give you the opportunity to connect with others to help you through this. 

    I can't believe you would blame her mom??? 

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  • I'm not blaming your mom, but I am curious as to why she put up with it for so long.

    Also, memory loss is not a requisite of dementia. There are many other conditions that fall under dementia, not just Alzheimer's. Some of them do not involve memory loss but do impact a person's personality and their ability to interact with others.

    I'm not sure cleaning while grandpa was playing is "unloving." Like a few people have said, maybe making sure that everyone was fed and the house was clean was her way of showing that she cared.

    I think maybe you don't have the whole story here. Is there anyone you can talk to and try and find out more? 

    Jen


  • image scubagirl81:

    I'm not blaming your mom, but I am curious as to why she put up with it for so long.

    Also, memory loss is not a requisite of dementia. There are many other conditions that fall under dementia, not just Alzheimer's. Some of them do not involve memory loss but do impact a person's personality and their ability to interact with others.

    I'm not sure cleaning while grandpa was playing is "unloving." Like a few people have said, maybe making sure that everyone was fed and the house was clean was her way of showing that she cared.

    I think maybe you don't have the whole story here. Is there anyone you can talk to and try and find out more? 

    Jen

     

    I was merely using the cleaning thing as an example.  I have seen her behavior first hand.  I have decided not to go, thanks to all who responded

  • image MiniMama2011:

    do you think its possible she acted that way because she suffers from dementia or some form of Alzheimers??

    Someone at that advanced age tends to have issues like that and some of the things you described sound as if that may have been an issue??

     

    I totally agree. My nana had Alzheimers and it sounds just like your grandmother.  My mother took care of her and she was very abusive just how you described. I think I would go. My nana treated my mother horribly but I know it wasn't really her. She was never like that when I was younger.

  • image stephanief2476:
    image casmgn:
    image northtamarack:

    So your mom put up with your Gma's abuse, and you are unhappy with your Gma?  As people are so fond of saying on this board, "You have a mom problem, not a Gma problem".  And this is coming from someone who has an awful gma w/ a dad and aunt who have enabled her though out her whole life. 

    What??? So now you are blaming the victim of the abuse??

     

    yeah, I am not sure I understand that comment either.  I do not have a "mom problem", I have a problem with someone who abused my mom and treated her like dirt when my mom was the only one (out of 3 siblings) who did anything for my gma

    To clarify, you stated that you are unhappy with how your grandma treated your mom when your mom moved in w/ your grandma.  You continue to state that it is the reason why you don't want to go to the funeral.  I was trying to point out to you that if your mom would have left or found other housing arrangements for your grandmother, then you wouldn't have these feelings. 

    I hope that you find peace with this situation.  Best regards.

    BabyFruit Ticker
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