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Pet ?

If you have a dog and were invited to someone else's house to stay would you automatically assume that you could bring your dog? 

Currently DH and I do not have a dog, but have had them in the past, but when we would visit someone, we would have someone watch our dog or make some kind of arrangements.   

MIL just got a Doberman and its a great dog, but she is upset with us because we are not allowing her to bring her dog when she is coming to visit us.  She just got the dog in July and was supposed to visit us in April (changed he plans many times and now the new date is fall time). We just bought a house and have gutted it and replaced the floors with hardwood.  We do not want her to bring the dog and have it running through our house scratching the floors, the puppy is also in its chewing stage and we also have a brand new leather couch and other furniture.   In addition, I'm slightly allergic (nothing bad, I just get stuffy, but I can take meds for it) and we really just don't want to put us in a situation where something could happen to our floors or furniture.  

 We also invited MIL to thanksgiving that we do with friends and some of my family, where we rent a house and all stay together for that week.  We hadn't hashed out the details, but we had mentioned that there was a no pet policy and that 2 of the people that go every year are allergic to animals.  She accepted, but said that they would be bringing the dog, and went on to say how everyone would love the dog and how much the dog would love being there with family and with us for the holiday.  

Don't get me wrong, I really like the dog, but I don't think its appropriate to just assume to can bring it to someone's house or to a rental house (where you only know 4 of the 15 people that are going).  She is now upset with us and saying she isn't coming to our house this fall or Thanksgiving.  I feel terrible, but on the other hand, am not comfortable having a large dog in my house and there is just no way she can bring the dog to thanksgiving.  

Am I wrong for telling her no? 

«1

Re: Pet ?

  • No, you are right for saying no. Especially for Thanksgiving where the rental has a "NO PET" policy and people's health is at risk. She can cry and complain, but if you back down now she will assume she can bring the dog with her any time she comes to visit you.
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  • We have dogs and do not automatically assume anything.  We find someone to look after them.  We have only taken one with once and it was to my in-law's farm and she was harnessed and leashed the whole time and we were outside.  She should respect your wishes.
  • No, i would not assume he is welcomed there. People do ask us to bring him on occasion and we will, but they are just like kids,...somethimes we want to get away from them.

  • Thanks for the replies.  I was talking to a friend who had several pets and told me that DH and I better never get pets because our family and friends are so anti-pets.  Funny thing is, most of our family and friends have pets, but they don't automatically assume they can bring them everywhere. 
  • I have a pet, and when I am invited to someones house I assume that my dog is NOT invited...unless I'm told otherwise:)
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  • image honey12345:

    Am I wrong for telling her no? 

    Yes. Your H is the one who should be telling his mother no. Why isn't he?

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • I have pets and always find a pet sitter for them unless they were invited to. I've only allowed one of my friends to bring their pets with them for a visit, but he was not a puppy and I do not live in a rental. I invited the dog before they asked to bring it. She should not just assume that her dog is invited.
  • image honey12345:

    She is now upset with us and saying she isn't coming to our house this fall or Thanksgiving.   

    Well, we will miss you. :: click ::

    It's your house, your rules = no pets. Your H needs to call her and tell her this.

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • image zitiqueen:
    image honey12345:

    Am I wrong for telling her no? 

    Yes. Your H is the one who should be telling his mother no. Why isn't he?

     Oh sorry, technically he is the one who told her. I=we 

  • image honey12345:
    image zitiqueen:
    image honey12345:

    Am I wrong for telling her no? 

    Yes. Your H is the one who should be telling his mother no. Why isn't he?

     Oh sorry, technically he is the one who told her. I=we 

    Then no, you're (he's) not wrong. Like Zest said, your house, your rules. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to come.

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • It's not different than if you have kids and are invited to a party. You ask if it's an adult party or one for the family.

     We have a dog.  We assume the dog is not invited, unless asked.  Sometimes, though, we do ask if we can bring the dog if it's a BBQ or to a place where our friends also have a dog that we know gets along with ours.

     

  • GBCKGBCK member
    Ancient Membership Combo Breaker

    she's just being crazycakes.

    Now, I will say, that if I go visit certain family members, I tend to assume Dawg is allowed unless told otherwise--because that's how these family gatherings work.  (ex-visiting my parents at christmas, driving up to hang w/ my big sister, etc)

    But the rest of the time?  Dawg isn't invited. 

    I might ASK "can Dawg come too?  I'll bring her crate so I can leave her in the corner of the living room if there's a problem", but 'no' is a reasonable response to that.

    (and on the flip side, unless someone asks, I don't 'put Dawg away' when visitors visit,.  If I know someone will have an issue, I'll use the baby-gates and/or have Dawg leashed so I can have more control but the rest of the time,  Dawg lives here and I don't feel like changing my household that much)

     

    But, don't let your DH give in on this.

  • I agree with the PPs. Your MIL is acting childish, and just like a child, she will learn that she gets her way if she whines and you give in. That is one of the many great benefits though of growing up and owning your own house- you make the rules. :)
  • You are right.  MIL is wrong.  We have three dogs. All three stay home unless specifically invited, and even then, we often keep them home because it is easier.  On the reverse side, people know we have dogs and this is their home.  I do not change routines when people visit and the dogs are allowed to remain out.  If people have a problem with that, I am more than willing to meet out for dinner or at their house instead.  
  • as a guest, i would always assume that the invitation implies no pets, unless i have specifically been told otherwise (or there was a precedent in the past of bringing that particular pet to that particular house).

    your MIL is in the wrong, and i wouldn't cave on this one if i were you.

  • image honey12345:
     

    Then I spoke with a friend with 2 dogs, who thought I was so anti-dog friendly and said she would never go anywhere overnight her dogs were not allowed to be.  

    Your friend is crazy cakes too. 

     

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  • No, you're not in the wrong.  It's terrifically presumptuous of people to assume that their dogs must go everywhere they do. 

    I have an aunt who insists on bringing her dogs everywhere with her -- even if she's just going to dinner at someone's house.  It's a real problem, especially now that we have a large group of small children at our family gatherings.  Even though my two are pretty well trained to "pet nicely" and do well with our dog, these dogs are strangers to them.  And my niece is not around pets at all on a regular basis.  My mom and my other aunts (all the grandmothers) now wish that they'd been a lot more firm about not allowing the dogs in their houses earlier.

    "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • You're not in the wrong at all, and I totally sympathize. We almost lost one of our groomsmen because his wife was offended by something we said about their dogs (we said the two dogs were pretty hyper when they got together, which we thought was a relatively tame observation). Some people make ridiculous assumptions, but what is or isn't allowed in a home is always up to the people who live there.
  • A shared rental is pretty rough for a pet.  So that's an easy no.  But I'm wondering why you guys can't figure out a way to accomodate a dog.  Sure, the floors are hardwoods and the couch is leather, but do you have a yard or garage or other pet-friendly area? Can she board the dog overnight but bring him/her to your house for a few hours a day where floor and furniture destruction won't occur?

    I could be wrong, but I get a vibe that you don't trust your MIL with the dog in your house.  Like if the dog was chewing on a leather leg she wouldn't do a thing all the while saying she thought you'd just love the 'doggy love bites' as reminders of their visit.  Am I wrong?

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • No, I would never assume I could bring my dog and probably would never even ask. We do bring our dog when we got visit my parents, but I know he is always welcome there because they have the same kind of dog and they are good buddies.

    Part of having a dog is leaving them behind sometimes when the situation calls for it and having to find a place to board them/find someone to watch it.

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  • image EastCoastBride:
    image honey12345:
     

    Then I spoke with a friend with 2 dogs, who thought I was so anti-dog friendly and said she would never go anywhere overnight her dogs were not allowed to be.  

    Your friend is crazy cakes too. 

     

    seriously. 

    I love my cats and everything, but they don't come on vacations with us. I couldn't imagine showing up at someone's house with my two cats in tow and hoping that their cuteness will counteract someone's allergic reaction. geesh. 

  • image livinitup:

    But I'm wondering why you guys can't figure out a way to accomodate a dog.  Sure, the floors are hardwoods and the couch is leather, but do you have a yard or garage or other pet-friendly area? Can she board the dog overnight but bring him/her to your house for a few hours a day where floor and furniture destruction won't occur?

    I could be wrong, but I get a vibe that you don't trust your MIL with the dog in your house.  Like if the dog was chewing on a leather leg she wouldn't do a thing all the while saying she thought you'd just love the 'doggy love bites' as reminders of their visit.  Am I wrong?

    Livin, usually I think your advice is pretty spot on but this time, not so much.  But why should they rearrange things to accomodate MIL's request to bring an uninvited animal into their home?  No matter what the reason. 

    As the ones extending the invitation, the OP and her DH should be able to decide who an invite is extended to and that goes for animals and people. 

    Dogs do not get to go everywhere people do.  Dogs do not get an automatic invite to every place their owners get invited to whether it is a private home or a public space.  

  • image karome:
    image livinitup:

    But I'm wondering why you guys can't figure out a way to accomodate a dog.  Sure, the floors are hardwoods and the couch is leather, but do you have a yard or garage or other pet-friendly area? Can she board the dog overnight but bring him/her to your house for a few hours a day where floor and furniture destruction won't occur?

    I could be wrong, but I get a vibe that you don't trust your MIL with the dog in your house.  Like if the dog was chewing on a leather leg she wouldn't do a thing all the while saying she thought you'd just love the 'doggy love bites' as reminders of their visit.  Am I wrong?

    Livin, usually I think your advice is pretty spot on but this time, not so much.  But why should they rearrange things to accomodate MIL's request to bring an uninvited animal into their home?  No matter what the reason. 

    As the ones extending the invitation, the OP and her DH should be able to decide who an invite is extended to and that goes for animals and people. 

    Dogs do not get to go everywhere people do.  Dogs do not get an automatic invite to every place their owners get invited to whether it is a private home or a public space.  

    i agree with karome. also, my parents had a similar issue last year when someone stopped by for a visit. he was travelling with his (huge) german shepard. my parents knew that in advance and said that the dog couldn't come inside. between their furniture, the hardwood floors, and the beagle at the house, it was a bad mix. the guest said that would be fine and the dog could do the back yard.

    in the course of an hour, the dog did a lot of damage to the back door of the house trying to get inside, and also barked constantly. it wasn't a good situation.

  • Not at all. For one, you stated that several people on the Thanksgiving trip are allergic to animals. It's selifsh of your MIL to get all pi$$y about the dog not being able to come after you clearly mentioned this. That alone was lack of consideration for others. As for assuming she can bring the dog to your house (or anywhere else for that matter), why can't she ASK you first, rather than TELL you? As a guest I would automatically plan for someone to take care of my pet while I'm gone unless I'm told otherwise. Our family used to say it was ok for us to bring our family dog to their house when we'd visit OOS for family reunions but even still, we had the neighbor take him because he got antsy in the car for 15 minutes let alone 5 hours. 
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  • DH and I love dogs. We would love to have one.  But all of this is one of the reasons we don't have a dog - we're "up and go" people and having a dog would be hard at times since we know we can't take a dog w/ us everywhere.

    So, therefore, we dont' have one.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • No, you aren't wrong.  I understand the MIL, however, having lived with our puppy since November *and* going through it's chewing stage (still going through) I can completely tell you that you are not wrong.  

    Write her back about Thanksgiving, stating, "Perhaps I wasn't clearer in our invitation.  No animals.  We have guests with allergies, and it is too busy of a holiday to add any extras into the mix, no matter how furry or adorable.  You'll have to find a kennel to board Spot.  Also, remember you'll have to make those same arrangements for your earlier visit.  Once our house is situated and the puppy is older, we'll be happy to have the little guy come with you - just not now." 

  • image livinitup:

    A shared rental is pretty rough for a pet.  So that's an easy no.  But I'm wondering why you guys can't figure out a way to accomodate a dog.  Sure, the floors are hardwoods and the couch is leather, but do you have a yard or garage or other pet-friendly area? Can she board the dog overnight but bring him/her to your house for a few hours a day where floor and furniture destruction won't occur?

    I could be wrong, but I get a vibe that you don't trust your MIL with the dog in your house.  Like if the dog was chewing on a leather leg she wouldn't do a thing all the while saying she thought you'd just love the 'doggy love bites' as reminders of their visit.  Am I wrong?

    Sure we could have the dog here if it would only stay on the tile in the kitchen and laundry room.  We have an open floor plan so it isn't possible to put up gate or anything to keep the dog off the hardwood.  I guess we could leave the dog outside or in the garage or even in its crate inside the house, but we live in FL so its too hot to leave the dog in the garage or outside for long periods of time and MIL would never leave the dog in the crate for long. It is just a puppy and in its chewing stage right now.  It is not fully trained and MIL will not board it.  

    I do trust that MIL would remove the dog from chewing on the leg of the couch, but once the bite marks are there, the damage has already been done.  To me, it doesnt matter if it's one bite or several, I still don't want that to happen to my furniture and I do not want to put ourselves in a situation where anything could happen.  

    If the dog were to completely destroy anything, I'm sure MIL would replace it, but if it chewed on a small part of my couch or scratched our brand new floors, she isn't going to pay for new floors or a new couch, I would have to live with the damage and that I do not want to do.   

  • DH and I are in the same situation - only we are on the opposite end.  We would be the ones in MIL's shoes.  My brother & SIL do not have any pets nor do they allow pets in their home.  DH and I have a non-shedding, 9 lb "morkie" who we adore but when we visit them (they live approx 3 hrs away), we find the proper accommodations for her. 

    I will openly admit that at first, I did not see where they were coming from and was hurt and offended that they perceived her as a "nuisance" and wouldn't allow her to tag-a-long.  I never argued with them about it or even voiced my opinion, but was silently upset.  I had to respect their wishes seeing as it was their home and DH and I were guests.  Their home, their rules.

    You are not wrong for not allowing MIL to bring her furry friend to your house.  I do think that you should let DH handle this as it is his mom.  If she is upset with this and does not agree with your request, then fine, she just doesn't have to come over at all.  Basically, if she wants to see you & DH, she will make this small sacrifice.  As for the vacation, if everyone is in separate condos, I could see the dog coming along working out.  But, if everyone is sharing a communial house, a dog could overcrowd the area.

    SIDE NOTE:  This is going to make DH and I sound like hypocrites, but eventhough we have a dog and are very much dog people, we don't necessarily like that people just assume they can bring their dogs over to our home.  Our dog is small, doesn't shed and doesn't chew or cause any havoc.  Not all animals are like this.  It's different when it's "your" dog but at the same time, have to be understanding of people's feelings.

  • We have 2 small dogs and never presume they are invited BUT we will turn down overnight invitations if they are not.  That is our personal choice and I guess our loss (though we do not see it as such). To us they are family and we care for them like we would care for children. We chose to take responsibility for our pets when we chose to take them into our home and understood that every now and again there will be unfriendly environments for our pets that we will avoid. I don't think she has the right to be angry with you about not being able to bring the dog, but you can't be upset with her for not coming. I know that I would also turn down your offer of spending thanksgiving away from my pups.

    KRHagen November 2009
  • image EastCoastBride:

    DH and I love dogs. We would love to have one.  But all of this is one of the reasons we don't have a dog - we're "up and go" people and having a dog would be hard at times since we know we can't take a dog w/ us everywhere.

    So, therefore, we dont' have one.

    This is exactly us.  

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