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Can an Unfaithful Friend Be a Bad Influence?

Hey everyone:

My husband & I have lots of friends who have recently or are about to get married.  One of our friends is getting married soon and has already been unfaithful to his future wife several times.  He has actually had sex with another woman at least once, but he is unfaithful in other ways.  My husband and I have been out to bars with him and he grinds up against other girls and has even tried to take some of them home with him right in front of us.  My husband says this guy is always talking to or grinding with girls when they go out alone.  This guys bachelor party was the other night and they all went to the strip club (my husband included).  All the other guys just sat around and watched the dancers, but this guy paid for a "VIP" lap dance in the back room of this place.  This is just the stuff I know about...I just think his behavoir is inappropriate and that he is sleazy.

 Do you think that if a faithful person hangs out with someone who acts this way, that they are more likely to eventually be "influenced" to act this way because they begin to think it's ok?  What if you're out drinking and your judgement is altered?  I would never tell my husband he can't be friends with someone, but I'm not sure how I feel about my husband going out with this guy.  I just want to protect my marriage...what do yall think on this issue?  Can an unfaithful friend be a bad influence? 

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Re: Can an Unfaithful Friend Be a Bad Influence?

  • sure I think they CAN be a bad influence and sway you one way or the other but I don't think it's that simple.  I don't think that because someone hangs out with someone that cheats that they'll do it to.  Sometimes it could have the opposite effect and show them what idiots their friends are. 

    H has a friend like that, he makes out, he flirts, he's a big time douche with the girls in general, H hangs out with him mainly because the douche is just in the same group of friends but whenever their out together in the group H tells him how stupid he's being "what the hell are you doing when you have HER back home?!" (the guys wife is the coolest/nicest girl we've probably ever met) and douche has let me know that H has told him this numerous times.  I think it could influence a guy to cheat if they see a friend getting away with it but it can also just show them how awful someone elses relationship is..

    My question though is what do you and your husband say to this guy when he acts like this?

  • image BabyJoker7111:

     Do you think that if a faithful person hangs out with someone who acts this way, that they are more likely to eventually be "influenced" to act this way because they begin to think it's ok?  What if you're out drinking and your judgement is altered?  I would never tell my husband he can't be friends with someone, but I'm not sure how I feel about my husband going out with this guy.  I just want to protect my marriage...what do yall think on this issue?  Can an unfaithful friend be a bad influence? 

    I would like to think that your husband is capable of maintaining his integrity, even when seeing other people doing bad things.  This is not elementary school, where "Because __________ does it, I can too."  Adults are capable of observing a behavior and not partaking in it.

    Because you're asking, are you really that concerned about your husband's integrity in the face of peer pressure?

  • Your h is who he is and you are the only one here who knows him well enough, I would hope, to say where is moral compass is pointed.

    That being said it's very telling that he chooses to continue this friendship without at least conflicted feelings about the friend's behavior.

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  • I don't say much since I'm not supposed to know about some of it (my husband and I are close and he does tell me what goes on).  I asked him what he says to him though, and he does tell him it's wrong and that he is making a huge mistake...the guy listens and says he knows it's wrong, but still does it. 

     I trust my husband and I know how he feels about this behavoir, but I guess my feeling is that "when you lay down with dogs, you wake up with fleas." 

  • I have just heard people say "I was drunk and one thing led to another.."..that coupled with a friend who may be encouraging you or calling you a c*ck block when you're not thinking clearly could be trouble. 
  • imoanimoan member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary
    I would not think that my H would become a cheater simply because his friend is a cheater.  HOWEVER, I would seriously question my H's character if he was able to maintain a friendship with such questionable values.  That would say something about my H that I just don't think I could live with. 
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  • imoanimoan member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary

    image BabyJoker7111:
    I have just heard people say "I was drunk and one thing led to another.."..that coupled with a friend who may be encouraging you or calling you a c*ck block when you're not thinking clearly could be trouble. 

    This reply is leading me to believe that you know your H has it in him to cheat on you.  I would take a long, hard look at this. 

    image
    Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
  • I think an unfaithful friend can be a bad influence, but only if your FI/DH/et al is weak-willed and easily tempted.

    If I were uncomfortable with said friend, I might raise my concerns to my husband and then let him decide the next best course of action. 

    Now it does raise the question: do you trust your husband? If you trust him, then you should be able to trust him all the time, regardless of who he is with. 

  • Yes and no. Are your husband's other friends cheaters as well? Based on personal experience, a friend of mine has had a string of no good BF's who cheat on her and treat her like dirt, including her current one, and surprise, all of his married friends are cheaters, but he tells my friend he's not like them, uhuhuh. I would find it hard to believe that a guy who isn't going to cheat is going to be going out nonstop in social type settings with a good friend that does cheat and not get lured in one day.

  • image imoan:

    image BabyJoker7111:
    I have just heard people say "I was drunk and one thing led to another.."..that coupled with a friend who may be encouraging you or calling you a c*ck block when you're not thinking clearly could be trouble. 

    This reply is leading me to believe that you know your H has it in him to cheat on you.  I would take a long, hard look at this. 

     

    I guess I could see what you're saying, but I don't have a problem trusting my husband...he's golden in my eyes!  I guess what it boils down to is that I don't see what good could come of hanging out with someone with those morals.  I just don't want my husband's reputation to be altered because he hangs out with someone like that. 

  • imoanimoan member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary
    image BabyJoker7111:
    image imoan:

    image BabyJoker7111:
    I have just heard people say "I was drunk and one thing led to another.."..that coupled with a friend who may be encouraging you or calling you a c*ck block when you're not thinking clearly could be trouble. 

    This reply is leading me to believe that you know your H has it in him to cheat on you.  I would take a long, hard look at this. 

    I guess I could see what you're saying, but I don't have a problem trusting my husband...he's golden in my eyes!  I guess what it boils down to is that I don't see what good could come of hanging out with someone with those morals.  I just don't want my husband's reputation to be altered because he hangs out with someone like that. 

    I don't buy this.

    image
    Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
  • image BabyJoker7111:

    I guess what it boils down to is that I don't see what good could come of hanging out with someone with those morals.  I just don't want my husband's reputation to be altered because he hangs out with someone like that. 

    Reputation? Who would judge him? 

  • I don't hang around with people who sell drugs to children; or who cheat on their spouses; or who steal cars. Not because I think I might somehow be tempted to engage in these activities; but because my presence in their lives, or theirs in mine, would lend credence to the idea that I thought such behavior was tolerable or acceptable in normal life. It's not.

    It seems your dh likes hanging with this person, despite his appalling morals; which tells me your dh finds this behavior attractive and acceptable; and that he likes the element of danger in this fellow; and wouldn't mind being like him or even being thought of as being like him. Your dh is an adult; and presumably he can manage his own behavior; but the fact that he likes this guy's company tells me that your dh is ok with cheating, at least as a concept.

    Further, your dh is ok being in on the cheating; this man's wife doesn't know her dh is a cheat, but by god YOU know, and your dh knows, and any number of other people know he's cheating on her. don't any of you, including your dh, have ANY issues with this? Doesn't it bother you, or your dh, that when you're all together, and she's there, everyone knows but her? Doesn't it bother you that your dh doesn't care about THIS aspect of the situation? That her dh has made all of you accomplices to his behavior; and one of these days, she's going to find out, and she's going to find out you alllllll knew and no one told her? Because this is just so ugly, and so humiliating for her; and no one seems to bat an eyeball at this end of things.

    Lovely.

     It'll be the end of whatever kind of lousy 'friendship' you already have with this poor woman when she finds out; and she will; so welcome to this pig's drama.

     

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • Ask him why he is friends with this guy. I dont think my DH would be friends with someone like that. Also, obviously you don't trust your H. If you did, it wouldn't matter if he was best friends with a pimp who offered him freebies- he wouldn't take it because he loves/respects you.
  • only if your DH is that terribly stupidly influenced
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  • image Sue_sue:

    I don't hang around with people who sell drugs to children; or who cheat on their spouses; or who steal cars. Not because I think I might somehow be tempted to engage in these activities; but because my presence in their lives, or theirs in mine, would lend credence to the idea that I thought such behavior was tolerable or acceptable in normal life. It's not.

    Ditto from me.  I have ended friendships over this (affairs -- I'd like to think I don't know anyone who sells drugs to children or steals cars).  I had a very good friend who was a cheater with a married man.  I disagreed with her behavior and my opinion of her changed dramatically.  She is probably still a great person (minus her lack of judgment) but not someone I chose to be around.  Same thing with FI.  He had an army buddy who was having a difficult time with his marriage (granted his wife was a piece of work).  We went out with them as a couple a few times -- interesting.  For the third "double date," he brought his girlfriend.  It was the most awkward night.  I told FI that I was all done with his so-called friend and we haven't seen him since.

  • lol I don't know anyone who steals cars or sells drugs to children; I was just looking for other morally reprehensible things and those two popped to mind.  I know two women I am related to who have prostituted themselves and I'm not friends with them; NOPE can't come to my house; you think that's ok and I really think it's not; nope, we're not friends. Same with drug use, users, etc.

    OP, how is it that you're all going to be there at the wedding of these two people knowing what you know about this asssshole? Supporting the marriage, blah blah blah. She'll be easy to spot;  the sucker at the altar, the only one within 50 yards who doesn't know he's been banging and grinding and humping and hitting on anything he can manage.

    NICE. 

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • I'm with the other posters who wonder why your question is whether Cheating Friend will influence your husband and tempt him to cheat, vs. the question being what it says about your husband- and you- that you go out with this person and plan to attend his wedding to the unsuspecting bride.  I would feel horrible watching a man cheat on his fiancee and I would feel horrible watching his bride take the plunge with a man that everyone knew was a cheater- except her.  I can't imagine putting myself in a situation where I'd be witnessing either of those things.  I can't imagine continuing to go, and staying silent, and thereby participating in keeping his secret from her.  

    Were I in your shoes, I'd start the conversation with my husband as follows: "I feel horrible about what Jim is doing to Sally, and I feel sick whenever I'm out with him watching him picking up other women, and I feel horrible watching Sally planning their wedding while everyone around her knows she's marrying a cheater.  I won't do this anymore."  I would be interested to hear your husband's response to that.  I don't think your concern here is about your husband's circumstances- I think your concern is about your husband's character.   

  • An unfaithful friend can be a bad influence if you let it be a bad influence.  Sticking to your commitment and being faithful should not change if you are determined to keep it that way.  Otherwise, week minds/hearts will let a friend influence their actions and/or feelings towards marriage.  I would just try to avoid him if all possible anyway, he sounds trashy.
  • If I had a friend who encouraged me to cheat on my husband when we were out, she wouldn't be my friend any more. It sounds like this guy is harassing your husband for not cheating on you, and yet your husband wants to stay friends with him. That makes me question your husband's character.
  • Are you questioning the friends VALUES or his ACTIONS?  I would not dump a friend of mine just b/c I found out they cheated on their husband.  I wouldn't want to hear the details (why, what was wrong with their marriage that led to it, excuses, what happened, etc.), but I would not end a friendship b/c my friend cheated.  If the friend is discreet, I might not even know. 

    However, I wouldn't want to hang out with a married friend who went around grinding against men, getting them to buy her drinks, flirting suggestively, etc.  That's not my idea of a good time.  I could not care less if people thought if I was a 'ho b/c I was hanging out with someone like that.  I know who I am.  But it wouldn't be an enjoyable way to spend a day.

    If your dh's friend is part of "the group" that hangs out, I can see why your dh doesn't want to give up doing things with the group just because one member is an a-hole.

  • I personally think that good  just as bad behavior can influence other people but only if the person wants to be. I dont think we pick our friends soley on 1 personality trait. We all have negative traits that can be offensive. It would make me uncomfortable but at some point or another I have to trust him and if I can't then there is a problem. I think you can request that he doesn't hang around him but be ready when and if it doesn't go your way.
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  • image steve&heather:

    I think an unfaithful friend can be a bad influence, but only if your FI/DH/et al is weak-willed and easily tempted.

    If I were uncomfortable with said friend, I might raise my concerns to my husband and then let him decide the next best course of action. 

    Now it does raise the question: do you trust your husband? If you trust him, then you should be able to trust him all the time, regardless of who he is with. 

     THIS

     It depends on if he is a person that is easily influenced by others.

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  • So 100% ditto sue_sue.  It astounds me that ALL OF YOU hang out w/ this guy and condone his behavior.  That actually sickens me more than anything else in all of this.  The two-faced aspect that every.single.one of you takes part in by hanging out w/ him when he's on the prowl and then when he's w/ his FI.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
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  • I totally agree with Sue-Sue. I mean neither one of you have spoken up to this friend and told him you find his behavior unacceptable? You still continue to go out places with him while he's doing this? I can't find what he would have in comon with this friend when this guy seems to only be going out to pick up other women. Why don't he find himself some single or cheater friends like himself? As far as judging, well people will. For instance, back when I was in high school/beginning college I was into the clubs.bars. And the peole I went out with were like me. Only difference is I didn't sleep around and didn't condone people cheating on their bfs/gfs. A supposed friend at the time, well she was quite the lady, and slept around, among other things with guys she met out at the clubs.  I then found out, or should I say overheard, my other friend who ended up being like her, that the two of them were doing all sorts of nasty things with guys at the clubs, if you get my drift. Did I want other guys to think I was like them, which they probably did?  No, I didn't. These two girls kept their behavior hidden from their other friends who weren't like this, including me, and pretended to be all innocent, guess they knew their behavior was questionable and didn't want to be judged. These two "friends" turned out to be very shady with questionable morals and after a falling out, which they lied about, we stopped talking. Do I miss either one of them? Nope, because I would not choose to surround myself with people who don't have the same morals as myself, but that's just me. The one cheater is still with her BF and unmarried and other one is still single, 8 years later, wonder why. I was a "prude" to them. Oh well, I'm happy and loving married life=)
  • To answer the questions about whether or not his future wife knows about his behavoir, to my knowledge she does.  Let me explain:  he has told her about his cheating.  After I found out he cheated, I was pretty much done with him.  I don't have any respect for him.  As for the other stuff, he tells her about some of it..and the rest of the time he talks about other women right in front of her and checks them out.  So, IMO, she knows enough.  I decided that if she knows that he has cheated and still behaves this way, she must either be ok with it or she is in denial, either of which I can't help. 

     My husband has said he doesn't agree with his friend, but the friend has other qualities that I guess are important to my husband.  He's always there for him, that kind of stuff.  When I asked the question, I didn't mean that a bad influence meant that it caused you to cheat.  I don't think that someone can "make" you cheat.  Nor would I ever think that my husband is that weak that he would cheat because of a friend.  But, I do think that hanging out with certain people may cause you to go places you wouldn't normally go or do things you wouldn't normally do.  My husband would not normally go to a strip club, but his friend wanted to for his bachelor party so he went.  Going to a strip club is not cheating IMO, but I don't really think it's appropriate for a married man.  I am not blaming this friend for my husband going to a strip club, but I don't think he would've ever gone otherwise. 

  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    This guy sounds obvious enough about his actions that I doubt it's a "secret" from his fiancee.   I would not feel sorry for her any more than I would feel sorry for any woman who felt that "as soon as we get married, he is going to change."
    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • True, you can't control other people's behavior; you can only control your own.  If she's willfully blind to his actions or thinks it's NBD, nothing you can do.

    But I have to agree with PPs who say that by you and your DH having this guy in his life, you condone his behavior.  I have let go of friendships because of behavior issues I can't overlook.  I don't have some big dramatic blowout and tell them I think they're reprehensible or anything like that, but I do not invite them to my home, I don't go to theirs, and I don't socialize with them by choice.

    If your DH didn't want to go to a strip club for a bachelor party, he should have said, "No, dude, can't make it -- sorry!"

    "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • I still cannot fathom why you or your dh would want to hang with this fellow. So now it's that she knows all about his cheating ways, so it's somehow funny or not so awful or not so repulsive to watch this guy grind on other women, pick up other women etc?

    Why is your dh friends with this pig anyway? What does he get out of hanging around with this jerk?

     

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • I think that cheating men can influence a faithful man... I'm sure that once they see that the cheater can get away with such behavior they can beggin to think that they can to... lay with dogs and you can get fleas...
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