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help!

I have been in a wonderful relationship, going on a year now. Things lately have just seemed a little "off". I want to have sex quite frequently and he usually does not. He hardly ever initiates it, and I feel like if he gives in when I want it, he does it out of obligation. When he doesnt want to, it tends to get me upset. There have been a few times that he disappears into the bathroom for a longer amount of time than usual and he takes his (internet capable)phone with him, but I never question him on this. And he spends a lot of time on the phone browser, but sometimes hurries and shuts it when I walk in the room. He also has quite a bit of free time during the day when he is at work. I have looked at his browser history a few times, without his knowledge, (which I know isnt right) and he has several porn sites on the history. Not just every once in a while, but quite frequently. I think that he is spending a lot of time booking at porn. It has never been brought up in our conversations though. He wont watch porn with me, I would be totally into that. But it seems as though he is purposly keeping this secret and I feel as though he would rather look at porn and handle things himself, when I am always ready to go. Should I approach him on the issue, should I be worried at all? Please help!!

Re: help!

  • This won't resolve itself without talking about it.  You're going to have to calmly talk to him about what you found on his phone (and the fact that you have been monitoring his browser history). Do this at a time when you're not trying to get him to have sex with you.  Tell him exactly what you said - that "it seems as though he is purposly keeping this secret and you feel as though he would rather look at porn and handle things himself." Offer to do things differently in the bedroom or ask him for suggestions on how both of your needs can be met.

    If he shuts down or is not willing to have a calm discussion about this, I would cut my losses and move on. 

  • If it bothers you now that his sex drive is lower than yours, it will bother you later. If sex is important to you, end this relationship.

  • I would not be with a man who would rather look at porn than have actual sex with me.
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  • I'm assuming this is MUD, since it is yet another first time poster.
    Hope is not a strategy.
  • I actually asked my bf once if he had ever looked at porn at any point in our relationship and he said yes..a couple of times. I get really upset with him and told him that I am not going to tolerate that and if he wanted to be with ME then he wasnt going to look at porn. he agreed. Talk to your man and tell him straight out that there are other men who are going to respect you more, love you more, and appreciate you more who will want to have sex with you rather than looking at porn and pleasing himself.
  • This is def not MUD! It is what I believe is becoming a serious problem in my relationship. Yes it is my first post, but I was looking for someone that has possibly been through this before and could give me some good advice.
  • I think there are times when we would prefer to masturbate than have sex with our partner and I'm okay with that. But I think when it gets to the point where a couple is not having much sex, there's something else going on.

    From what you've posted, it seems your husband enjoys going solo much more frequently than having sex with you. First, I would check into the kind of porn he's frequenting. Is there a particular fetish theme? Or he's got an intimacy issue he hasn't dealt with.

    Maybe he's keeping some distance because he's not ready to get as serious as you are in the relationship? It's probably something you will need to have a conversation about. You need to find out if there is a specific issue or if you've found a guy who isn't sexually compatible with you.

  • Oh wait, sorry. You mentioned this is a recent thing. Then yes, I would ask him what's going on. My first assumption is that it's got something to do with how he's feeling about the relationship.

    A lot of times when a guy feels it's getting too serious, they back off sexually. Not saying this happens 100% but it's an indicator.

  • Ok, sorry, not MUD.

    Since you say it has been a new thing and it is troubling for you, it sounds like you just need to sit him down and have a long talk about it.

    If he is unwilling to discuss it, well, that doesn't bode well.

    Are you two living together? It sounds like yes, but I wanted to clarify.

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • Yes we do live together, and things are very serious in the relationship. We have talked about purchasing a home, and having a child together. Somedays are great and he is very affectionate. Then there are other days that he is very distant, and doesnt seem to want me. It's not just about his lack of sex drive with me.When we do have sex, it is amazing. I get that I want it waaay more than him, but if I am already willing and getting turned down, for him to then masturbate sometime thru the day instead really hurts my feelings. And how do I bring this up with out pouncing him on the issue and tell him that I snooped thru his browser with out him totally freakin
    ??
  • If you're not serious enough to discuss this with him openly & honestly, then you're not serious enough with him to stay through an issue like this.  It really is that simple.

    Sit down at a time that you're both calm and in decent moods, tell him that you feel he's not interested in sex with you and when he is, it seems to be out of obligation. Then listen, really listen to his response.  You need to actually hear what he's saying, not what you hope he'll say, and go from there.

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