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A

531Rudolpho531Rudolpho member
Eighth Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
edited July 2015 in Relationships

Re: A

  • There are a lot of issues in your post...control, rebellion and anger.

    You need counseling or a divorce.

    On the money front:   Each of you should have mad money each month to spend in any way you wish -- no oversight.   You guys also need to decide on a money limit -- an arbitrary amount above which both of you need to be involved in the financial decision.  As long as you guys have paid your bills and put money into long term savings, retirement and e-fund, you guys should feel free to enjoy your cash as you each see fit.

    On the control front:  He is trying to control you like a parent and you are rebelling like a child.  Until you guys start treating each others like adult life partners, you are going to be miserable.

    You already know that he is an abusive asshat who wants you to assume the role of Harriet to his Ozzie.  Kick him in the full nelson and move on. 

  • I suggest you RUN LIKE HELL.

    Your problem is not money --- your problem is a controlling douche that's abusive.

    Being contolling is abuse.

    I strongly suggest you get your financial ducks in a row, retain an attorney, leave and then file. And above all DO NOT TELL HIM you are filing -- Christ only knows what he might do.

     A control issue can easily turn into a physically abusive behavior. RUN LIKE HELL and do it NOW.

  • As far as the money goes, you admit you've given him reasons to not trust you, so I don't know what you're expecting to hear.

    As for everything else, was he like this before you got married?

    And just to be safe, MUD.

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • The controlling issues are much bigger than the money issues.  You should definitely separate finances as that will expedite your exit. 

    I think his controlling behavior sounds abusive.  I would not suggest counseling as often controlling/abusive people use the counseling to further control the victim (they learn all your weaknesses). 

    Start building a life without him. You need to get out of this environment. Like the pp said, you have a parent/child relationship, not a healthy partnership.

    Fold his clothes a certain way, wash the dishes for him...good Lord are his arms broken?!?!  I hope you didn't actually comply.

  • How old are you?

     

    IMO it's not that difficult to handle finances.  Set up a budget, within that budget you should set aside an amount for blow money.  If you have used 'Dave Ramsey Online' you should know what blow money is.  I do have to agree with your H for a moment becuase if my H were to hide his spending whether it was in the budget or not it would make me upset.  I would like to know if money is being used from our budget so that we are on the same page.  It is best to always bring it up before you go out and spend money.  Now on the other hand he sounds a bit controlling, he shows that in the way that he flips out when you tell him.  I understand that you don't like to feel controled but you are in this relationship together and you need to work together.  You should not leave him out when it comes to finances.  Did you think that maybe he could be upset that you racked up on CC debt becuase of your rebellion?  you still have not changed your rebellious ways, and that's why I ask how old are you becuase it really sounds like something a 16 yr old child would do to their parent's.  There's a lot you need to think about.

     

    and first post, I hope you have enough cojones to not DD.

  • Is anyone saving this in case there is a DD? I don't trust any 1st time posters on here after yesterday!
  • How much are you spending exactly? If my DH racked up a little cc debt then I be a little upset as well. Now I would do some of the controlling things that he is doing, but maybe you need to figure out your wants vs needs when it comes to shopping.
    [IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/2i1yu53.jpg[/IMG]
  • Is he your parent or your husband??? Are you a child or an adult??? This is silly and has to be MUD!
  • The money thing I understand. You admit you have a spending problem. Fine. You've given him no reason to trust you though since you hide packages from him.  I admit I have a spending problem as well so I can't flame you for that, it happens. I can however see why he gets upset over spending.

    However, if he's controlling you, telling you what you eat, how much you drink etc that's not ok.  Have you tried standing up to him? My H started out that way because of the home he grew up in where mom did everything, she still does.  He started waking me up at 6:30 to iron his pants when I didn't have to get up until 8:45. He now knows how to iron his own pants. If he doesn't like how I"ve folded something he can fold it how he likes it and he can put his own clothes away.  

    Don't let him walk all over you, but I think counciling is a good idea. If he won't go and you standing up to him doesn't work,then it's time to walk away. No one needs to be told to wash the dishes because someone else is too lazy.

     

  • In DH's defense, if you never talked about who was to do the chores and how labor is to be divided (before marriage!), then maybe what he expects out of a marriage is a wifey that will do all of the washing and folding and cleaning without complaints. You need to have a conversation to address that if it isn't what you expect to do in a marriage.

    Now...the nudging you under the table and making you stop drinking and telling you what to watch on TV is just weird...and you should probably just tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and ask him why he does it. He *might* have a valid reason (he might think you're annoying when you're drunk or not like watching whatever tv show you watch) and you can go from there to compromise...but he might just be acting like an a$$ and not realize it.

    As far as the money, I agree with PP that you need to give yourself some "fun money"  (after all the home expenses are taken care of) to spend how you please, not how the other person wants you to spend. He probably wants to split up the money because he doesn't want you to spend money he earns on clothes or shopping because he sees that as wasting money.

    First, try sitting down and having a conversation (like an adult, no yelling or blaming or fighting, just talking and listening) with him about these things. If that doesn't work try counseling and if he refuses that then I would consider some more drastic actions. You need to make sure that he knows exactly how you feel and what you plan to do and how serious these issues are to you or else he might just blow you off. Put your big girl pants on and stand up for yourself.

  • imoanimoan member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary
    I'd like to know what kind of purchases you are making without his knowledge that he's freaking out about. Are you buying yourself a t-shirt because you need clothes?  Or is this a big screen tv that you don't need?  I can understand your H being frustrated if you made a major purchase without consulting him... but if he's throwing a fit when you buy something small and essential (which I get the feeling from his controlling ways that this may very well be the case)--- it's just more proof that he's a controlling manipulator.
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  • image TarponMonoxide:

    I suggest you RUN LIKE HELL.

    Your problem is not money --- your problem is a controlling douche that's abusive.

    Being contolling is abuse.

    I strongly suggest you get your financial ducks in a row, retain an attorney, leave and then file. And above all DO NOT TELL HIM you are filing -- Christ only knows what he might do.

     A control issue can easily turn into a physically abusive behavior. RUN LIKE HELL and do it NOW.

    Ditto this. And I actually don't suggest counseling. I suggest a divorce or annulment. People who are controlling and/or abusive (the former usually leads to the latter) will use what they pick up in counseling to further control the victim.

    Run like hell, do it quietly, and don't look back.

  • It sounds like the money thing is just part of the problem here, which is even worse. 

    It sounds like your H has a need to be in control of every aspect of your life; what you say, what you do, what you watch, what you drink, what you buy....The list goes on and on. 

    It sounds like you feel a commitment to your vows, which is generally a good thing but in this case I'm not sure he shares your committed feelings. Does he love you? Honor you? Cherish you? Respect you? Maybe these are not the words you used as your vows, but I am guessing the vows you said were along these lines, right? So now you're committed to a cause that your partner is not committed to.

    It's time to sit down with your H. Tell him the signs you are seeing. I'd start with, "I know that I haven't been the most responsible wife when it comes to spending, and I am sorry for that. I feel like, ABC," and then tell him how you're feeling. Tell him you feel controlled, and mistreated, and that being married is a partnership. You two need to figure out who is going to do what, and when in terms of household duties. Ask him to split the work (all the work!) evenly with you. He is an adult. He can do his own dishes, fold his clothes whatever way he wants, and iron his own pants. 

    Tell him you're considering counseling, so that a neutral third party can help you two work through all of these decisions together. 

    Your H's reaction to this conversation will tell you if counseling is a good idea or if it is time to count your losses and walk away. 

  • image whitnieleigh:
    things to: nudging me under the table when i say something he doesnt deem is appropriate or telling me to not get a second glass of wine so i dont "feel too good' telling me to put his clothes away if i am to do the laundry and the times that i have folded clothes he has brought them back and told me to fold them a different way. asking me when i am going to do the dishes because he is running out of glasses, telling me what i can and cannot watch on tv, telling me that i need to iron his pants before a trip etc etc you see where i am going. 

    These are huge red flags! My ex did almost the exact same things. Guess what came next? The physical abuse. He broke my finger, hit me in the face with a raw potato, oh and tried to kill me. I filed for a restraining order and a divorce. Please get out now. He is controlling and needs help, but he'll never see that, especially if you stay and let him control you like this. if you wanna pm me, feel free!

  • there's a difference between being married to an as shole and a 'rough spot'.

    sorry but who the fu<k is this guy to tell you to iron his pants? tell him you'll iron them when he stops being a controlling jerk.

    honestly-you keep doing what he says-that's why he keeps doing it.

    spending irresponsibly is an awful habit. you need to stop that just like he needs to stop being a jerk.

    are you both about 18 by the way? do you work or is it just him?

    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
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  • image whitnieleigh:
    i was thinking about our current situation and he is controlling about other things to: nudging me under the table when i say something he doesnt deem is appropriate or telling me to not get a second glass of wine so i dont "feel too good' telling me to put his clothes away if i am to do the laundry and the times that i have folded clothes he has brought them back and told me to fold them a different way. asking me when i am going to do the dishes because he is running out of glasses, telling me what i can and cannot watch on tv, telling me that i need to iron his pants before a trip etc etc you see where i am going.

     

    Does he live in 1920??  You are not his "little lady" but he is acting like your "old man".  His behavior is very dated and disrespectful.  Marriage is a partnership, not a life sentence.  I would suggest counseling but it seems to me that he would only use that to show you your faults rather than actually try and work on the marriage. 

     

  • Oh, one more thing.  I agree with your DH about splitting your finances.  Sock up all of the savings that you can get your hands on, pay off any of your personal debts (i.e. cc's in your name) and open a private savings account preferrably at a different bank.  Use this money to hire a good reputable divorce attorney and move out!
  • 531Rudolpho531Rudolpho member
    Eighth Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited July 2015
  • Reading your followup post -- I think you should try some individual counseling to get your bearings straight. The chore splitting on the surface is fine -- my H & I split chores but if we don't like how something is done, we ususally take care of it ourselves or ask nicely "can you fold my shirts in thirds instead of halves - they fit better in my dresser" sort of thing).  His comments are more controlling, expecting you to fix and do over things until it meets his needs. And the comments on your food and diet are totally out of line.  Just the fact you are doubting your sanity is a big red flag that is common in controlling/abusive relationships.

    So your H was 22 and dating a 17 yr old minor?  I'm giving him a major side-eye for that.  Sadly, I think he purposely entered into such an imbalanced relationship so he could control you. But now you are maturing and thinking for yourself and you are realizing things are not so great.  You are not describing a healthy, respectful partnership between two people. 

    Please get some counseling for yourself, separate finances and start your exit.  You can do better.

  • Thanks for coming back to add more perspective to this.

    "we have been together since i was 17 and very impressionable that now that i am making up my mind about things its causing conflict"

    He's going to have to accept the fact that you are a grown up and not a young, impressionable, naive teenager anymore. If he can't deal with that, then you're headed for loads of trouble. But, if he is willing to go to counseling and you are willing to keep sticking up for yourself, then it might not hurt to go at least once. If it doesn't help and you hate it, then you might consider leaving entirely.

  • I was on board with him when it came to the money issues, but as I read further...he's sounds like a controlling jerk.

    If he wants his clothes folded a certain way, he can do it himself. Or at least ask more politely. 

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  • image BunMom90:

    So your H was 22 and dating a 17 yr old minor?  I'm giving him a major side-eye for that.  Sadly, I think he purposely entered into such an imbalanced relationship so he could control you. But now you are maturing and thinking for yourself and you are realizing things are not so great.  You are not describing a healthy, respectful partnership between two people. 

    Please get some counseling for yourself, separate finances and start your exit.  You can do better.

     

    This. 100%

  • Did you marry your daddy or your husband? You are an adult and I presume that your parents have already raised you. You made your vows to a husband and not to a father. If my H pulled a stunt like that, I would stare him in his eyes and rhetorically ask him, "Are you my daddy or my husband? Because, the last time I checked, my dad already raised me." IMO, your husband needs a reality check and I don't think that the reality check needs to come from a counselor, but from you. Good luck.
  • You have too many issues  to address on a chat board- counseling would help.

    You NEED to set up a budget - a spending plan that you can both agree on.  Each of you also needs some personal spending money - an "allowance" if you care to call it that.  Decide on an amount for each person.  You can spend your allowance money any way you want with no accountability --- but --- when it is gone, it is gone. You need to discuss at what point should you discuss a purchase and at what point can you just spend.

    Who takes care of the finances?  Do you have an emergency fund?  Savings?  Do you fully fund your retirement plan?  Are your cars paid off?  Student loans?  Do you own a  house or want to buy one?   There is much, much more to finances than just having money left at the end of the month!  

    Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach is a great book to facilitate discussions on values, goals, and one's emotional relationship with money.  It will help you understand each other better where money is concerned. 

    You sound young.  How old are you?

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