Trouble in Paradise
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Lying/trust issue

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Re: Lying/trust issue

  • Every man will look at porn...Most will lie because they don't want to hear a woman bi!ch at them about it.  It is unfair to put your body problems onto him.  He was trying to avoid a fight.  If you want a man who does want to look at porn then you will be alone your whole life.  I do believe that you should agree on what kind of porn is ok.  I am not ok with a few different kinds of porn.  I prefer couples sex porn not just a woman doing stuff to herself.  So even though I don't look at it I want a man to be willing to agree with me on the rules of it.  But taking it out totally is probably never going to happen with any guy and any wife that says different has a husband that lies......
  • Ok I just read thru what others wrote and I must say I don't see this as a lie...He was saving your feels.  Would you tell your dh that another lover was better than him? No you would lie.  Would you tell he you weren't thinking of him but a unknown person when you get off by yourself? No you lie and say you were think of him.  He was saving himself a fight but he was saving your feelings.  Now if the porn was homemade of him and a ex then you have a problem.  I wouldn't let this be something that ends a good over all marriage.  See what he looks at and let him know what is ok and what isn't but I think since you seem so closed off about the subject he had to lie.  Or he could have just not used porn ever but men are visual and need the help to get off.  Telling him no porn ever is setting yourself up for the lies honestly with any man.. So don't drop a man for a problem I promise you, you will have with any guy.
  • Wheeler, the problem is that she confronted him and told him it was not cool with her if he looked at porn. Instead of saying "Honey, I'm unwilling to give up porn but I'm happy to talk with you about it/not tell you about it/watch with you," there would be no problem. It's completely different from the hypothetical situations you describe, because he easily could have let her know in the dating stage that he wanted to watch porn so she could decide if it was a dealbreaker.

    Your argument ("he was saving her feelings") could be used to justify keeping anything, from marital infidelity to drug use to gambling debts. He just wanted to get out of the fight instead of being honest with his partner. That's not okay.

  • I  don't believe there are men out there who don't look at porn.  It would be like never buy another item of clothes again for the rest of your life.  If you made that promise to your husband you would break down and do it and lie about it.  I think saying no porn is asking something impossible of someone.  You will always be let down on this.  He is at home not with another woman, he doesn't beat you or gamble away your bill money.  On the list of wrongs this is very small.  I think men have to start lying and hiding porn when they are teens and standing up for the right to do it is a hard thing to do.  When ask about it early in a relationship it is normal for every guy to say that don't do it.  But check his apartment or his computer.  He does but he has to say no to get another date.  We put them in the position to lie because we make it so taboo.  Porn is everywhere and doesn't have to be a big deal unless you make it one.  Can you trust him?  Well you tell us.  You know what kind of man he is.  I am just saying if you get swallowed up in your pain and betrayal you may make your marriage into something you don't want it to turn into.  Then this marriage will end and you will meet another who thinks he has to lie about porn because you are so strongly against it and you are back to square one.  
  • MotzieMotzie member
    Fifth Anniversary
    OMFG! Can someone not typing on their crackberry please be so kind to tell Wheeler to STFU?
  • Wheeler: STFU.
  • MotzieMotzie member
    Fifth Anniversary

    image smock.smock:
    Wheeler: STFU.

    Thank you. I've made it home to my computer now to clarify...

    seriously? ALL men like porn and therefore ALL men will be FORCED to lie about it? Horsesh!t. That's like saying all men like strip clubs or all men like fake boobs. Then again, maybe your douche H just said that to make himself seem less like a douche.

    As for the OP - SueSue was spot on. And ditto on the individual counseling as well as the marital.

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