Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Lying/trust issue

DH lied to me about something (totally stupid according to most people, i'll admit, but something I have very strong feelings about) several times over the entire course of our relationship because he "didn't want to make me feel bad". I caught him in it, and he continued to lie right to my face. So of course we got into a huge fight that lasted several days, during which he had the nerve to say, "if this was going to be a problem, you should have thought about it before you married me." How could I if I didn't know because he lied everytime I asked? I didn't hold anything back. He knew how I felt about it all along, and if he couldn't comply, maybe he should have thought about it before he married me. He ultimately promised never to lie to me again, and I know he's being sincere, but I'm having a lot of trouble trusting him now. If he lied to me about one thing, what else did he lie about? And what else might he lie about in the future? Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

January Siggy Challenge: Snowman Fail
[IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/20zagw9.jpg[/IMG]

[IMG]http://i46.tinypic.com/1z4j2gp.jpg[/IMG]


[url=http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/395e94]My Fantabulous BFP Chart[/url]

EDD: May 6, 2013
«1

Re: Lying/trust issue

  • Lemme guess... porn?
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Of course. It makes me feel inadequate and easily replaceable.

    January Siggy Challenge: Snowman Fail
    [IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/20zagw9.jpg[/IMG]

    [IMG]http://i46.tinypic.com/1z4j2gp.jpg[/IMG]


    [url=http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/395e94]My Fantabulous BFP Chart[/url]

    EDD: May 6, 2013
  • Maybe you should go to counseling together? That may help some of the trust issues. I think time is really the only way to  truly get over trust issues whether or not you choose counseling. It will take him time to regain your trust but you both have to try. Good luck.
  • I feel horrible about it because he is really the most amazing person I've ever met and I know he doesn't want to hurt me. But I truly believe that absolute honesty/trust is the only thing that can make a relationship work.
    January Siggy Challenge: Snowman Fail
    [IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/20zagw9.jpg[/IMG]

    [IMG]http://i46.tinypic.com/1z4j2gp.jpg[/IMG]


    [url=http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/395e94]My Fantabulous BFP Chart[/url]

    EDD: May 6, 2013
  • Did you know he looked at porn before you got married? If so, has there been a change in how much he watches it?

    Also, if you don't mind me asking, is there an age difference between you two? There seems to be from your photos. 

  • Sue_sueSue_sue member
    5 Love Its

    Well, it's not about the porn. It's about his willingness to lie to your face about something he knows you care about, in order to get what he wants. Of course you are wondering what other things he pretended to be ok with in order to shut you up; and how sick at heart you must feel to be married to someone who sees nothing wrong with lying to you.

    The counselling should be about THAT. Not about porn. And if it turns into a 'well porn CAN be a very good thing in a marriage' lecture to you by the therapist, well, you're in the wrong office. I don't care about porn; but I do care about trustworthiness; and if this man will lie to you about looking at pictures and movies of naked people doing it he'll lie to you about a lot of other things.

    Have you caught him in other lies/less than truths on other issues?

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • image Sue_sue:

    Well, it's not about the porn. It's about his willingness to lie to your face about something he knows you care about, in order to get what he wants. Of course you are wondering what other things he pretended to be ok with in order to shut you up; and how sick at heart you must feel to be married to someone who sees nothing wrong with lying to you.

    The counselling should be about THAT. Not about porn. And if it turns into a 'well porn CAN be a very good thing in a marriage' lecture to you by the therapist, well, you're in the wrong office. I don't care about porn; but I do care about trustworthiness; and if this man will lie to you about looking at pictures and movies of naked people doing it he'll lie to you about a lot of other things.

    Have you caught him in other lies/less than truths on other issues?

    Ditto everything Sue Sue said.

    Personally, porn isn't a big issue for me but trust... Well, that's a deal-breaker.  I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if he's lying, yet again, to my face.

    [URL=http://alterna-tickers.com][IMG]http://alterna-tickers.com/tickers/generated_tickers/f/fr7ha85jz.png[/IMG][/URL]
  • I'm going to take the Dan Savage position on this one: guys look at porn, and if you tell a guy not to look at porn chances are he'll just look at porn without telling you he's looking at porn. It's like masturbation: you could try to make him promise not to masturbate, but it's not going to happen.

    I'm not saying that guys are all liars who can't control their sex drives. I'm saying you need to realize that it's unreasonable to ask a guy who likes looking at porn to give it up completely because it makes you uncomfortable. Either pick a guy who doesn't like porn at all, or deal with the fact that your partner will look at porn. And that he'll look at it behind your back if you tell him he can't.

    And figure out why porn is such a problem for you. It sounds like you're insecure and feel replaceable. Maybe the porn isn't the problem, maybe your husband isn't making you feel loved and needed. Or maybe you're insecure and needy. Either way, deal with that problem instead of grilling your husband for looking at porn. 

  • Suesue hit the nail on the head.  Obviously he knows that porn is an issue for you, or else he wouldn't have lied to you.  And for him to play the "you should have thought about that before you married me" card is a serious douche move on his part, because as you note, you DID think about it before you married him and he deceived you.  He sounds like a real prize, that one.

    Honestly it sounds like you have incompatible values.  You are against porn and dishonesty; he seems to be in favor of both.  So is this really the person you want to spend your life with?

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Sue_sueSue_sue member
    5 Love Its

    Well, and he'll minimize your feelings on something you feel strongly about. You shouldn't feel the way you do, so it's ok if he lies to you about that.

    Sigh.

     

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • Let me add, though, that you've got bigger problems than porn. You met your husband when you were 18 and he was 33. That means there's a 99% likelihood that he's a douche. 
  • image smock.smock:

    I'm going to take the Dan Savage position on this one: guys look at porn, and if you tell a guy not to look at porn chances are he'll just look at porn without telling you he's looking at porn. It's like masturbation: you could try to make him promise not to masturbate, but it's not going to happen.

    I'm not saying that guys are all liars who can't control their sex drives. I'm saying you need to realize that it's unreasonable to ask a guy who likes looking at porn to give it up completely because it makes you uncomfortable. Either pick a guy who doesn't like porn at all, or deal with the fact that your partner will look at porn. And that he'll look at it behind your back if you tell him he can't.

    And figure out why porn is such a problem for you. It sounds like you're insecure and feel replaceable. Maybe the porn isn't the problem, maybe your husband isn't making you feel loved and needed. Or maybe you're insecure and needy. Either way, deal with that problem instead of grilling your husband for looking at porn. 

    Indifferent

    I could not disagree more with this.

    First of all, I adore Dan Savage, but generalizations like "guys look at porn" like it's a given for every man just makes me Confused.

    And second, she was quite clear that she had a problem with porn and her husband lied about it.  She thought she DID pick a man who didn't look at porn!!

    I'm pretty flabbergasted that you are making this out to be that SHE'S the one with the problem because she is against pornography, as if that's some kind of pathological condition. 

    The bottom line is that her husband is a lying liar who lies.  You seem to be arguing that she put him in the position where the poor man had no choice but to lie.  I'm sorry, but that is complete bullsh!t.  If porn is important to him, then he needs to be a grown-up and say, "this is who I am, it's not changing, take it or leave it."  Instead he snuck around like a rebellious teenager hiding his girly magazines under the mattress.  And SHE'S the one with the problem? 

    I don't think so.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image Sue_sue:

    Well, and he'll minimize your feelings on something you feel strongly about. You shouldn't feel the way you do, so it's ok if he lies to you about that.

    Sigh.

    To clarify, I don't think he has the right to lie to her. I think when she originally said she hates porn he should have said that he wasn't going to give it up completely but he'd do everything in his power to make her comfortable with it. Including not telling her about it if that's what she wanted. His mistake was pretending he shared her views when he clearly doesn't. While I do think it's unreasonable for her to expect him to give up porn completely, she doesn't deserve to be lied to.

  • image liza0828:
    Indifferent

    I could not disagree more with this.

    First of all, I adore Dan Savage, but generalizations like "guys look at porn" like it's a given for every man just makes me Confused.

    And second, she was quite clear that she had a problem with porn and her husband lied about it.  She thought she DID pick a man who didn't look at porn!!

    I'm pretty flabbergasted that you are making this out to be that SHE'S the one with the problem because she is against pornography, as if that's some kind of pathological condition. 

    The bottom line is that her husband is a lying liar who lies.  You seem to be arguing that she put him in the position where the poor man had no choice but to lie.  I'm sorry, but that is complete bullsh!t.  If porn is important to him, then he needs to be a grown-up and say, "this is who I am, it's not changing, take it or leave it."  Instead he snuck around like a rebellious teenager hiding his girly magazines under the mattress.  And SHE'S the one with the problem? 

    I don't think so.

    Oh please. I don't mean all men look at porn, I mean all men who look at porn look at porn. I'm sure there are some men out there who never ever ever look at porn, but I'm willing to bet that at least 80-90% of men look at porn at least once a year. 

    In this specific case, he shouldn't have lied. He should have grown some balls and told her that he couldn't promise to never look at porn. He's also a 30-something guy who started dating a teenager, so he's not going to win any "non-douche" awards any time soon. 

    Still, I think it's valuable for the OP to think about why she objects to porn. Her reasons in this post are that she feels "replaceable." That could be a douche-H problem or a lack of self-esteem problem, but it's not really a porn problem. (A porn problem would be like Kuus' view that porn inherently objectifies women. That's a reasonable objection to porn IMO.)  

  • image smock.smock:
    Let me add, though, that you've got bigger problems than porn. You met your husband when you were 18 and he was 33. That means there's a 99% likelihood that he's a douche. 

    Agreed. 

     

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image smock.smock:
    You met your husband when you were 18 and he was 33. That means there's a 99% likelihood that he's a douche. 

    Ew. Douche with a side order of skeeve.

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • image smock.smock:
    image liza0828:
    Indifferent

    I could not disagree more with this.

    First of all, I adore Dan Savage, but generalizations like "guys look at porn" like it's a given for every man just makes me Confused.

    And second, she was quite clear that she had a problem with porn and her husband lied about it.  She thought she DID pick a man who didn't look at porn!!

    I'm pretty flabbergasted that you are making this out to be that SHE'S the one with the problem because she is against pornography, as if that's some kind of pathological condition. 

    The bottom line is that her husband is a lying liar who lies.  You seem to be arguing that she put him in the position where the poor man had no choice but to lie.  I'm sorry, but that is complete bullsh!t.  If porn is important to him, then he needs to be a grown-up and say, "this is who I am, it's not changing, take it or leave it."  Instead he snuck around like a rebellious teenager hiding his girly magazines under the mattress.  And SHE'S the one with the problem? 

    I don't think so.

    Oh please. I don't mean all men look at porn, I mean all men who look at porn look at porn. I'm sure there are some men out there who never ever ever look at porn, but I'm willing to bet that at least 80-90% of men look at porn at least once a year. 

    In this specific case, he shouldn't have lied. He should have grown some balls and told her that he couldn't promise to never look at porn. He's also a 30-something guy who started dating a teenager, so he's not going to win any "non-douche" awards any time soon. 

    Still, I think it's valuable for the OP to think about why she objects to porn. Her reasons in this post are that she feels "replaceable." That could be a douche-H problem or a lack of self-esteem problem, but it's not really a porn problem. (A porn problem would be like Kuus' view that porn inherently objectifies women. That's a reasonable objection to porn IMO.)  

    If we're going down that road, then I think it would be a lot more helpful for her to think about why she picks douchey men.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image liza0828:
    If we're going down that road, then I think it would be a lot more helpful for her to think about why she picks douchey men.

    You're right, I don't want her to read this as me putting all the blame on her, because obviously he did lie which is not acceptable. I'm hoping she'll divorce the loser and figure out her own issues. Picking a guy who was almost old enough to be her dad also says something about her self-esteem and her issues.

    Also, she did a boudoir photo shoot for her husband, so maybe her only problem with porn is when it's other girls? If she feels threatened by other women it might be because her husband makes her feel insecure. 


  • My husband and I started dating when I was 21 and he was 32. My problem is that he is getting off looking at other girls, and I do have self esteem problems from a previous relationship, but he was aware of everything up front. I never lied to him, and the fact that he disregarded my feelings about everything and felt like it was ok to lie to me is what kills me. I just don't know what to think.
    January Siggy Challenge: Snowman Fail
    [IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/20zagw9.jpg[/IMG]

    [IMG]http://i46.tinypic.com/1z4j2gp.jpg[/IMG]


    [url=http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/395e94]My Fantabulous BFP Chart[/url]

    EDD: May 6, 2013
  • image Pumpkin_Princess:
    My husband and I started dating when I was 21 and he was 32. My problem is that he is getting off looking at other girls, and I do have self esteem problems from a previous relationship, but he was aware of everything up front. I never lied to him, and the fact that he disregarded my feelings about everything and felt like it was ok to lie to me is what kills me. I just don't know what to think.

    If that's true, how is it that you've been in school continuously since kindergarden but you're not getting your BA until 2011? 

  • Have you talked to a counselor regarding your self-esteem issues?  Have you thought about some sort of compromise and discussed it with him?
    [URL=http://alterna-tickers.com][IMG]http://alterna-tickers.com/tickers/generated_tickers/f/fr7ha85jz.png[/IMG][/URL]
  • image Pumpkin_Princess:
    My husband and I started dating when I was 21 and he was 32. My problem is that he is getting off looking at other girls, and I do have self esteem problems from a previous relationship, but he was aware of everything up front. I never lied to him, and the fact that he disregarded my feelings about everything and felt like it was ok to lie to me is what kills me. I just don't know what to think.

    Actually, you do know what to think.  You said it yourself-- he disregarded your feelings and felt like it was okay to lie to you.

    The question is, what do you want to do about it?

    (Edited because it made no sense.)

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image Pumpkin_Princess:
    My husband and I started dating when I was 21 and he was 32. My problem is that he is getting off looking at other girls, and I do have self esteem problems from a previous relationship, but he was aware of everything up front. I never lied to him, and the fact that he disregarded my feelings about everything and felt like it was ok to lie to me is what kills me. I just don't know what to think.

    First, get yourself into therapy if your previous relationship has screwed you up that badly. That is not meant in a snarky way - having been sexually abused in the past, I can  say it really impacted my relationships with men. That is not healthy, nor should you project your past experiences on your H. 

    Second, you still didn't say whether he was watching porn before you got married (that you knew of). If you DID know, then why would you marry someone with a quality that was that big of an issue?

    Third, you do know what you think. You keep saying that if he can lie about X then he could potentially lie about Y. Your trust issues (if I had to guess) run a lot deeper than your current marriage - there are probably issues from your previous relationships, child hood, and other areas that are impacting your marriage. That is not to say that your H should lie about porn, I'm saying you also need to explore your deeper issues for yourself.

  • I'm sorry, I must have missed that question. No, I did not know about it before. If I did, then it would have been addressed before. I did, however, make my views very clear.

    My mother is the devil (all of the issues with her would take hours to explain, but in short she can't be trusted) and my last boyfriend was abusive. He knows about all of my issues, and he knows that's why honesty is the most important thing to me. Is time really the only way to fix my trust? I've never been to therapy, and I'm a little skeptical about what a therapist can do for you.

    January Siggy Challenge: Snowman Fail
    [IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/20zagw9.jpg[/IMG]

    [IMG]http://i46.tinypic.com/1z4j2gp.jpg[/IMG]


    [url=http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/395e94]My Fantabulous BFP Chart[/url]

    EDD: May 6, 2013
  • I've been in school for so long because I changed my major a couple of times. I went to college for biochemistry, but I had a few bad semesters due mostly to depression in my previous bad relationship. I then switched to nursing (ADN) and I am still working to get my BSN.

    January Siggy Challenge: Snowman Fail
    [IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/20zagw9.jpg[/IMG]

    [IMG]http://i46.tinypic.com/1z4j2gp.jpg[/IMG]


    [url=http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/395e94]My Fantabulous BFP Chart[/url]

    EDD: May 6, 2013
  • No, time does not "fix" trust.

    So to sum up: your mother mistreats you, your exboyfriend mistreated you, and now your husband mistreats you.  Do you see a pattern here?  This is not the kind of thing that time "fixes." 

     

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Sue_sueSue_sue member
    5 Love Its
    A therapist is not going to convince you that it's ok for your dh to lie to you to your face. A good therapist will, however, show you how you've gone from one major relationship to another repeating the first and most important untrustworthy love relationship you had, the one with your mother; and, it is to be hoped, can show you how to avoid repeating this pattern all your life.
    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • He must think you're the one with the problem. Only now he has a problem, which is that his wife thinks he's a total fraud and a douche. Hmm.

    I will ditto the others on counseling about the lying-to-your-face issue. If he doesn't come to see how wrong his actions were, then I'd be gone. No one should choose to spend the rest of their lives with someone who will always leave them wondering. Maybe in the end you'll be glad you found out about his rubber-band morals before you had kids together.

    I'm a firm believer that if you can lie to someone's face about one thing, you can --and eventually will -- lie about just about anything. What of what he says will you truly be able to believe in the future? Anything?

  • I'm thinking that perhaps you are right and therapy may be in order. I don't want to divorce my husband, and I believe that we can work through this. He did promise not to lie anymore, but I'm having difficulty getting over the fact that he lied to begin with. I do want to say that DH is not the source of my insecurity. I was actually quite a lot heavier when DH and I met. He tells me that I'm beautiful everyday, and has never said so much as a negative word about my appearance or worth. My low self-esteem is left over from my last relationship, if you could call it that, and I haven't found a good way to boost it yet.
    January Siggy Challenge: Snowman Fail
    [IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/20zagw9.jpg[/IMG]

    [IMG]http://i46.tinypic.com/1z4j2gp.jpg[/IMG]


    [url=http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/395e94]My Fantabulous BFP Chart[/url]

    EDD: May 6, 2013
  • image Pumpkin_Princess:
    I'm thinking that perhaps you are right and therapy may be in order. I don't want to divorce my husband, and I believe that we can work through this. He did promise not to lie anymore, but I'm having difficulty getting over the fact that he lied to begin with. I do want to say that DH is not the source of my insecurity. I was actually quite a lot heavier when DH and I met. He tells me that I'm beautiful everyday, and has never said so much as a negative word about my appearance or worth. My low self-esteem is left over from my last relationship, if you could call it that, and I haven't found a good way to boost it yet.

    I would recommend individual counseling for you as well.  My mom was hyper-critical of my body starting in my teen years and I'm still dealing with the effects.  Therapy has helped me.  Those body issues bled into the relationship I had with my STBXH...and though it wasn't one of the numerous reasons for the divorce, it was a source of resentment for him that I couldn't see what he did.   

    This is my siggy.
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards