Sex & Romance
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Lost Mojo

New to the site and looking for some advice. I just got married, literally a week ago. Prior to the wedding we hadn't had sex for about 4-5 months. I was having some feminine problems and needed to stop for a bit to resolve them, after that we just decided to wait until the wedding night to make it special. The wedding night was good, I was a little nervous about how it would go, but it was good. However since then, since getting back into our day today routines I am not interested. I feel like something is hugely wrong because newleyweds are supposed to be all over each other all the time, and I just want to go to bed. I don't often get much out of sex, but DH doesn't really knowthat because I don't want him to think it is because I am not attracted to him, since that isn't the case. I am very self conscious which I beleive leads me to not enjoy sex as much. DH doesn't seem to think my lack of sex drive is a huge concern, he thinks once I recover from the broken foot I have now that everything will be fine. I am not sure if it is the stress from work and joining our lives, or possibly that I am back on the pill now. Any advice on what might be wrong or how to get my mojo back?

Re: Lost Mojo

  • Just because you are newlyweds doesn't mean you should be all over each other.  

    You don't get much out of sex, does that mean you are faking it?  If so, stop it right now.

    If the sex was good before, did you recently become self conscious for one reason or another?  

    ETA: You got married with a broken foot?   Bummer.

  • I used to feel like I had to fake it to spare his feelings but no I tell it like it is, it feels good, but I just am not orgasming. The sex isn't bad, I have orgasmed in the past, but it just is few and far between. I usually try to go with it, because I like to see him happy and I like that I turn him on, but lately though I just don't even want to at all. I am beginning to feel as soon as he kisses me he just wants to get in my pants, it is hard for me to get excited when I am tired and feel like after a long day he doesn't want to just be with me, he wants to get naked and then go to sleep. I am sure that is just the guy brain and how they think, but when I am having problems feeling good in the bedroom the pressure of him wanting sex all the time magnifies my discomfort.

     

    Yes I did get married with a broken foot, I wouldn't recommend it lol. It went ok though, I was able to ditch the crutches for the night but had to wear a walking boot.

  • Aaahhhhhh.  I see now.  Are you feeling a little like all he wants you for is sex?  I can see why that would be a mood killer.  Have you told him how you are feeling about his grabbyness?  Is there something he could do to help you feel less like a toy?  
  • Wait, so were you off the pill for several months while resolving your feminine problems?  And now you're back on it? That in itself might be the problem.  You may need to look into new BC since resolving whatever your issues were. 

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  • image lesleybrianne:

    I used to feel like I had to fake it to spare his feelings but no I tell it like it is, it feels good, but I just am not orgasming. The sex isn't bad, I have orgasmed in the past, but it just is few and far between. I usually try to go with it, because I like to see him happy and I like that I turn him on, but lately though I just don't even want to at all. I am beginning to feel as soon as he kisses me he just wants to get in my pants, it is hard for me to get excited when I am tired and feel like after a long day he doesn't want to just be with me, he wants to get naked and then go to sleep. I am sure that is just the guy brain and how they think, but when I am having problems feeling good in the bedroom the pressure of him wanting sex all the time magnifies my discomfort.

     

    Have you talked to him about this? I mean, really sat him down and told him that you feel like he's only in it for the sex, and that sometimes you need affection for affection's sake alone? If not, start there. 

    My guess is that you're already concerned about the sex, and to some degree that means every time sex comes up you start feeling the pressure (I've been there!) and that makes you more worried which makes the whole experience even worse. 

    Talk to your H, explain how you're feeling. Ask him to back off (I mean that nicer than it sounds) and allow you to initiate for the next few weeks. Then, when you want to, initiate. Be in charge, and do it how you want to do it. Remember, being a newly wed doesn't mean sex every night, in a million positions, all hot and passionate for hours. Just do it how you're comfortable. A lot of people will tell you that the more you do it, the more confident you're going to feel and the more you'll want to have sex, and I think there's some truth to that. 

    In the meantime, back to the OB for you! Find out about the side effects of your BC. Maybe you need to switch pills, or find a different method. Hormonal BC can wreak havoc on your body, and it often takes a few tries to find the BC that's right for you. 

  •   Sometime we worry too much and with the best of intentions accidentally make mountains out of molehills.

      Don't worry, don't panic, don't out think your self. Just gradually work yourself  to where you want to be. 

       Just boff DH's brains out and everything will be ok. 

  • image pastrypuff9000:
    Aaahhhhhh.  I see now.  Are you feeling a little like all he wants you for is sex?  I can see why that would be a mood killer.  Have you told him how you are feeling about his grabbyness?  Is there something he could do to help you feel less like a toy?  

    I'm sure I'll get piled on here as I make a generalization, but why is this such a common concern for women?  Yes, it's probably true that man tend to enjoy, initiate, and seek out sex more than women.  It's probably also true that women enjoy, initiate, and seek out cuddling/hugs/romantic displays of affection more than men.  But I never hear men complain about how their wives/girlfriends "just want them for their hugs."  Yes, men (generally) like sex more than women.  That's not a bad thing, it doesn't make us perverts, it's just biology.  

    I'm sure there are a great many instances where certain men are fixated on the sexual aspects the relationship with a complete inattention to other aspects, but I don't see evidence that this is actually what's happening, rather, she just feels like that's what he's after.  Here's my 2 cents -- we know that he (the original poster's husband, that is) wants sex more than she does. That's probably why she feels like he wants sex all the time.  Let's pretend sex was "Chinese food."  If, for example, the husband wants Chinese food more than twice a week, and the wife didn't care much for it, we would see the same complaints.  Right now, your husband frankly sounds understanding (and a bit naive, honestly) in thinking everything will be fine once you recover from your injury.  But if the problem doesn't go away after that, he will likely start thinking one or more of a few things: 

    - you are not attracted to him

    - you don't love him

    - you're cheating on him

    Now, none of these things may actually be true, but frankly, I'm guessing the characterization of the "sex-crazed husband" isn't true, either.  Do you guys have conversations?  Do you go out to movies/parties/dinners/etc. together?  Do you go shopping together?  Do you spend quality time together at home?  Are you generally in the same room as each other during your free time?  Do you call/text each other when you're apart?  As long as you do at least some of these things, I'm guessing he doesn't simply see you as a sex toy.  

    He might even be trying to initiate sex every day of the week, but frankly that doesn't mean he wants it every day.  It probably means he's learned he has (for example) a 10% success rate, so he needs to place a lot of bets in order to get something close to the sex life he wants. 

    Here's my advice to the original poster -- talk to him about this.  Tell him you don't have much of a sex drive.  Be honest -- tell him how frequently you currently want to have sex with him.  Ask him what he thinks your sex life ought to be.  Tell him what you think it should be.  See if you guys can negotiate a goal.  Talk to your doctor (I promise you -- a broken foot would not be messing with your hormonal drive).  

    Do these things sooner, rather than later.  If it goes on for too long, he's going to start thinking some of those things I mentioned earlier, he's going to start resenting you, and it's going to cause a lot of hurt feelings and pain in your marriage.  At least, that's what happened to us.  Good luck. 

  • Thank you all so much for the advice, I do think I was making too big of a deal about it, and that yes it is normal for him to want it more than me. I guess I was just mostly concerned that we didn't fit the usual Newlywed sex freaks persona. I have been to the OB and switched pills. It is only the first month but I am already feeling better. We have talked about it, and he continues to believe it isn't going to pose a problem and is willing to work through it until I feel comfortable again. I am so grateful that he is so patient, I have also been giving him little "treats" on the side, to let him know I understand his need for that kind of attention and still want to please him. I hope that the BC will change things around for me, and I also found out that I tend to be very sensitive in that area and have taken steps to avoid further irritation and discomfort during the act. My new OB is really understanding so I have high hopes that she will be able to help me out. In response to NoNotTufts, I agree with your post completly, and appreciate your 2c. We do spend a lot of quality time together, so I do know that he doesn't just view me as a sex toy. I also know that it is my perception of what is going on that is causing the problem, not that there is actually some dysfunction in our relationship. Marriage is give and take and I guess if what I have to give is a little more oomph in the bedroom
  • Thank you all so much for the advice, I do think I was making too big of a deal about it, and that yes it is normal for him to want it more than me. I guess I was just mostly concerned that we didn't fit the usual Newlywed sex freaks persona. I have been to the OB and switched pills. It is only the first month but I am already feeling better. We have talked about it, and he continues to believe it isn't going to pose a problem and is willing to work through it until I feel comfortable again. I am so grateful that he is so patient, I have also been giving him little "treats" on the side, to let him know I understand his need for that kind of attention and still want to please him. I hope that the BC will change things around for me, and I also found out that I tend to be very sensitive in that area and have taken steps to avoid further irritation and discomfort during the act. My new OB is really understanding so I have high hopes that she will be able to help me out. In response to NoNotTufts, I agree with your post completly, and appreciate your 2c. We do spend a lot of quality time together, so I do know that he doesn't just view me as a sex toy. I also know that it is my perception of what is going on that is causing the problem, not that there is actually some dysfunction in our relationship. Marriage is give and take and I guess if what I have to give is a little more oomph in the bedroom and
  • Thank you all so much for the advice, I do think I was making too big of a deal about it, and that yes it is normal for him to want it more than me. I guess I was just mostly concerned that we didn't fit the usual Newlywed sex freaks persona. I have been to the OB and switched pills. It is only the first month but I am already feeling better. We have talked about it, and he continues to believe it isn't going to pose a problem and is willing to work through it until I feel comfortable again. I am so grateful that he is so patient, I have also been giving him little "treats" on the side, to let him know I understand his need for that kind of attention and still want to please him. I hope that the BC will change things around for me, and I also found out that I tend to be very sensitive in that area and have taken steps to avoid further irritation and discomfort during the act. My new OB is really understanding so I have high hopes that she will be able to help me out. In response to NoNotTufts, I agree with your post completly, and appreciate your 2c. We do spend a lot of quality time together, so I do know that he doesn't just view me as a sex toy. I also know that it is my perception of what is going on that is causing the problem, not that there is actually some dysfunction in our relationship. Marriage is give and take and I guess if what I have to give is a little more oomph in the bedroom and hear
  • Thank you all so much for the advice, I do think I was making too big of a deal about it, and that yes it is normal for him to want it more than me. I guess I was just mostly concerned that we didn't fit the usual Newlywed sex freaks persona. I have been to the OB and switched pills. It is only the first month but I am already feeling better. We have talked about it, and he continues to believe it isn't going to pose a problem and is willing to work through it until I feel comfortable again. I am so grateful that he is so patient, I have also been giving him little "treats" on the side, to let him know I understand his need for that kind of attention and still want to please him. I hope that the BC will change things around for me, and I also found out that I tend to be very sensitive in that area and have taken steps to avoid further irritation and discomfort during the act. My new OB is really understanding so I have high hopes that she will be able to help me out. In response to NoNotTufts, I agree with your post completly, and appreciate your 2c. We do spend a lot of quality time together, so I do know that he doesn't just view me as a sex toy. I also know that it is my perception of what is going on that is causing the problem, not that there is actually some dysfunction in our relationship. Marriage is give and take and I guess if what I have to give is a little more oomph in the bedroom and hear how
  • Thank you all so much for the advice, I do think I was making too big of a deal about it, and that yes it is normal for him to want it more than me. I guess I was just mostly concerned that we didn't fit the usual Newlywed sex freaks persona. I have been to the OB and switched pills. It is only the first month but I am already feeling better. We have talked about it, and he continues to believe it isn't going to pose a problem and is willing to work through it until I feel comfortable again. I am so grateful that he is so patient, I have also been giving him little "treats" on the side, to let him know I understand his need for that kind of attention and still want to please him. I hope that the BC will change things around for me, and I also found out that I tend to be very sensitive in that area and have taken steps to avoid further irritation and discomfort during the act. My new OB is really understanding so I have high hopes that she will be able to help me out. In response to NoNotTufts, I agree with your post completly, and appreciate your 2c. We do spend a lot of quality time together, so I do know that he doesn't just view me as a sex toy. I also know that it is my perception of what is going on that is causing the problem, not that there is actually some dysfunction in our relationship. Marriage is give and take and I guess if what I have to give is a little more oomph in the bedroom and hear how much
  • Thank you all so much for the advice, I do think I was making too big of a deal about it, and that yes it is normal for him to want it more than me. I guess I was just mostly concerned that we didn't fit the usual Newlywed sex freaks persona. I have been to the OB and switched pills. It is only the first month but I am already feeling better. We have talked about it, and he continues to believe it isn't going to pose a problem and is willing to work through it until I feel comfortable again. I am so grateful that he is so patient, I have also been giving him little "treats" on the side, to let him know I understand his need for that kind of attention and still want to please him. I hope that the BC will change things around for me, and I also found out that I tend to be very sensitive in that area and have taken steps to avoid further irritation and discomfort during the act. My new OB is really understanding so I have high hopes that she will be able to help me out. In response to NoNotTufts, I agree with your post completly, and appreciate your 2c. We do spend a lot of quality time together, so I do know that he doesn't just view me as a sex toy. I also know that it is my perception of what is going on that is causing the problem, not that there is actually some dysfunction in our relationship. Marriage is give and take and I guess if what I have to give is a little more oomph in the bedroom and hear how much my
  • Thank you all so much for the advice, I do think I was making too big of a deal about it, and that yes it is normal for him to want it more than me. I guess I was just mostly concerned that we didn't fit the usual Newlywed sex freaks persona. I have been to the OB and switched pills. It is only the first month but I am already feeling better. We have talked about it, and he continues to believe it isn't going to pose a problem and is willing to work through it until I feel comfortable again. I am so grateful that he is so patient, I have also been giving him little "treats" on the side, to let him know I understand his need for that kind of attention and still want to please him. I hope that the BC will change things around for me, and I also found out that I tend to be very sensitive in that area and have taken steps to avoid further irritation and discomfort during the act. My new OB is really understanding so I have high hopes that she will be able to help me out. In response to NoNotTufts, I agree with your post completly, and appreciate your 2c. We do spend a lot of quality time together, so I do know that he doesn't just view me as a sex toy. I also know that it is my perception of what is going on that is causing the problem, not that there is actually some dysfunction in our relationship. Marriage is give and take and I guess if what I have to give is a little more oomph in the bedroom and hear how much my husband is
  • Thank you all so much for the advice, I do think I was making too big of a deal about it, and that yes it is normal for him to want it more than me. I guess I was just mostly concerned that we didn't fit the usual Newlywed sex freaks persona. I have been to the OB and switched pills. It is only the first month but I am already feeling better. We have talked about it, and he continues to believe it isn't going to pose a problem and is willing to work through it until I feel comfortable again. I am so grateful that he is so patient, I have also been giving him little "treats" on the side, to let him know I understand his need for that kind of attention and still want to please him. I hope that the BC will change things around for me, and I also found out that I tend to be very sensitive in that area and have taken steps to avoid further irritation and discomfort during the act. My new OB is really understanding so I have high hopes that she will be able to help me out. In response to NoNotTufts, I agree with your post completly, and appreciate your 2c. We do spend a lot of quality time together, so I do know that he doesn't just view me as a sex toy. I also know that it is my perception of what is going on that is causing the problem, not that there is actually some dysfunction in our relationship. Marriage is give and take and I guess if what I have to give is a little more oomph in the bedroom and hear how much my husband
  • Thank you all so much for the advice, I do think I was making too big of a deal about it, and that yes it is normal for him to want it more than me. I guess I was just mostly concerned that we didn't fit the usual Newlywed sex freaks persona. I have been to the OB and switched pills. It is only the first month but I am already feeling better. We have talked about it, and he continues to believe it isn't going to pose a problem and is willing to work through it until I feel comfortable again. I am so grateful that he is so patient, I have also been giving him little "treats" on the side, to let him know I understand his need for that kind of attention and still want to please him. I hope that the BC will change things around for me, and I also found out that I tend to be very sensitive in that area and have taken steps to avoid further irritation and discomfort during the act. My new OB is really understanding so I have high hopes that she will be able to help me out. In response to NoNotTufts, I agree with your post completly, and appreciate your 2c. We do spend a lot of quality time together, so I do know that he doesn't just view me as a sex toy. I also know that it is my perception of what is going on that is causing the problem, not that there is actually some dysfunction in our relationship. Marriage is give and take and I guess if what I have to give is a little more oomph in the bedroom and hear how much my husband is attracted to me, we are not doing half bad. THanks again all!
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