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are any of you financially separated?

Can you give me the general overview of how you handle it?

We are on the same insurance plan.  I pay for that.  Obviously - I want a part of that to be paid back to me.

But also - we have a $5000 deductible, with the insurance paying 100% after that.

My husband is the lowest medical cost of our family... but if I pay for all my own medical expenses till we meet the deductible, and then he goes to the doctor, and it's free... that seems unfair.

but it also seems unfair to have him pay for 1/2 of my personal medical expenses.

this one is stumping me.

Floyd P. Bamker - can't spell

Re: are any of you financially separated?

  • Floyd.BFloyd.B member

    crap.  wrong board.  I meant to post on the other "matters" board.

    sry.

    Floyd P. Bamker - can't spell
  • Could you get EOBs and total up all the medical bills at the end of the year and then if they are 75% yours you pay $3750 of the deductible so if you paid it all then he reimburses you $1250.  Don't know if this would be impossible to keep track of depending on how many different bills you have coming in.
  • May I ask what's your goal/benefit of separating your medical expenses, and overall financial responsibilities?  What difference does it make if your paycheck covers his insurance and he racks-up medical expenses or not? 

    Aren't you in a state that would consider all of it marital debt and hold you both responsible for joint debts and assets?  What difference does it make? 

    I just wonder by way of offering good advice.

     

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • I'm always curious why people keep finances separate. I know some people have many good reasons, there are step children in the picture etc.

    For me, however, I view all money as "our" money. I figure that if he pays for one thing and I pay for another, then really we're both paying for it, because that is money that could have gone to a joint financial goal.

    So all our money goes into one pot. We each get a set amount of spending money but beyond that, all the money goes to our joint bills, expenses, and savings goals.

    We have health insurance that is set up through my work. So although this comes out of my paycheck, we consider this joint money that we spend. Therefore, it simply doesn't matter who accesses the health insurance. Some years I'm sickly, some years he is. To me insurance is one of those things that I like to pay for and LOVE to never need.

    How are your finances set up? is there a particular reason for this? 

     

    [IMG]http://i55.tinypic.com/213pzit.jpg[/IMG]
    Elizabeth 3yrs old Jane 1yr old
  • we keep our finances seperate and it just works better for us.

    He has his own health insurance through his job that is free, so i have my own that comes out of my paycheck.  We each have our seperate cell phone plans, we combined the car insurance, but he keeps the boat insurance seperate and we divy up the bills. 

    I make about 2x what he does and i like to spend money.  He doesn't want his money in my account because he's worried i will think i have more money to spend and i don't want his money in my account because i don't want to have to justify purchases that before i wouldn't have had to.  We have different bills that we pay and it works for us, it's easier to split things up than have to combine everything and have weekly check ups on the account and bills...i have my output and input pretty much memorized so i rarely need to check the account. 

    When we plan to buy something or a vacation we set the amount that each of us needs to save and by when....it works just fine.  if we did what most people did and combined accounts, we'd have so many fights we'd end up divorced.

  • Seriously? 

    I get having 'yours/mine' accounts.  I do, although it isn't our approach.  But really by divvying it up down to the  insurance payments that are probably pretax payroll deductions, you make it sound like you are roommates vs. spouses. 

    Part of being married is things are 'ours' not 'I bought milk and picked up a prescription for you, you owe me $17.53'.

     

  • We keep our finances separate. DH owns his own business so there's no need for me to be on his business account, and he rarely uses the personal account. I also have my own business account and a regular checking. We don't have access to each other's accounts but we split the bills as evenly as possible. It works for us.

    He uses more electric than me for his business, but so what? I watch more TV yet he pays the cable. I'll pay his insurance if he's waiting for a check, and vice versa. The way I see it, you're married so your money is joined. Regardless of who pays how much for what, it's all pretty much for the same cause. I wouldn't worry about it.

  • it's not for anyone to understand why someone has separate or joint finances as everyone has different financial situations.

    that being said dh and i have separate because that's just how we are and what works for us as we share only a handful of the same expenses but we  each pay a few and it works wonderfully. we have no joint credit cards or anything as we're both (and were far before marriage) very financially stable and extremely financially responsible.

    if OP wants her and her DHs finances separate-big deal. i also think that the med bills should be paid by who received the care if things are separate. each should pay what's due.

    and there's no 'i spent $17 on milk give me half' unless you're so amazingly petty to the point of ridiculousness. you just buy the freaking milk!

     

    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
  • Your explanation seems reasonable if it works for you.  To answer your original post, I got a bit more confused with your follow-up.  If your DH has health insurance through his employer (free) then why is he also on your plan if it a costs you?  Is it becuase you have children, and therefore a family plan?  And that your insurance is his secondary insurance?

    So I think you post has two parts.  The first, since there is a cost to you to be insured through your employer - and since you pay your own way for such things, who pays for what part?  Second, who pays the deductible and who benefits from 100% coverage when the deductible is satisfied.

    Is that right?

    For the first part, I think you have to determine the cost with and without him.  If it's the same, then I don't see how you could "charge" him, especially since he has insurance w/o cost.  If you cover the cost for your children, then a 50-50 split of the difference between single and family coverage seems reasonable.  So more info on that is needed to really work out all of the variables.  

    The second part, is it realistic that you'd run-up a $5K deductible and then he'd benefit from 100% coverage?  That seems like a pretty large deductible.  Is this happening or just a "what if"?  And when would he use his own insurance?  Anyway, to answer this, I think you have to factor in the reverse, too.  What if HE ran through the $5K deductible while your costs remained low. How much would you pay him if you got 100% coverage after he paid the deductible?

    Because it only seems "unfair" because he's getting the benefit.  Would it be so unfair if you got the benefit?  Would you pay part of his medical expenses if you get the benefit of 100% coverage?  So this one also needs more info to work out, too. 

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • image alithebride:

    it's not for anyone to understand why someone has separate or joint finances as everyone has different financial situations.

    that being said dh and i have separate because that's just how we are and what works for us as we share only a handful of the same expenses but we  each pay a few and it works wonderfully. we have no joint credit cards or anything as we're both (and were far before marriage) very financially stable and extremely financially responsible.

    if OP wants her and her DHs finances separate-big deal. i also think that the med bills should be paid by who received the care if things are separate. each should pay what's due.

    and there's no 'i spent $17 on milk give me half' unless you're so amazingly petty to the point of ridiculousness. you just buy the freaking milk!

     

    It is for anyone to comment on if you post on a public message board.  And it is totally petty to divvy up health care costs by usage/potential usage in a marriage. 

     

  • image grrlygirl:
    image alithebride:

    it's not for anyone to understand why someone has separate or joint finances as everyone has different financial situations.

    that being said dh and i have separate because that's just how we are and what works for us as we share only a handful of the same expenses but we  each pay a few and it works wonderfully. we have no joint credit cards or anything as we're both (and were far before marriage) very financially stable and extremely financially responsible.

    if OP wants her and her DHs finances separate-big deal. i also think that the med bills should be paid by who received the care if things are separate. each should pay what's due.

    and there's no 'i spent $17 on milk give me half' unless you're so amazingly petty to the point of ridiculousness. you just buy the freaking milk!

     

    It is for anyone to comment on if you post on a public message board.  And it is totally petty to divvy up health care costs by usage/potential usage in a marriage. 

     

    Of course it is :)

    but if OP feels that bad about running up the ded for HER med bills and wants to pay it-why not? let her. just because you think that everything should be shared in a marriage dosen't mean that everyone is the same way. I personally think haaving joint accounts is silly-but that's only based on my financial situation. To each their own. $5k isn't a petty amount to her.

    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
  • image alithebride:
    image grrlygirl:
    image alithebride:

    it's not for anyone to understand why someone has separate or joint finances as everyone has different financial situations.

    that being said dh and i have separate because that's just how we are and what works for us as we share only a handful of the same expenses but we  each pay a few and it works wonderfully. we have no joint credit cards or anything as we're both (and were far before marriage) very financially stable and extremely financially responsible.

    if OP wants her and her DHs finances separate-big deal. i also think that the med bills should be paid by who received the care if things are separate. each should pay what's due.

    and there's no 'i spent $17 on milk give me half' unless you're so amazingly petty to the point of ridiculousness. you just buy the freaking milk!

     

    It is for anyone to comment on if you post on a public message board.  And it is totally petty to divvy up health care costs by usage/potential usage in a marriage. 

     

    Of course it is :)

    but if OP feels that bad about running up the ded for HER med bills and wants to pay it-why not? let her. just because you think that everything should be shared in a marriage dosen't mean that everyone is the same way. I personally think haaving joint accounts is silly-but that's only based on my financial situation. To each their own. $5k isn't a petty amount to her.

    $5k isn't a petty AMOUNT, nor did I say it was.  Trying to estimate who owes what based on potential usage or actual usage is petty.  The insurance covers them both, they are married, they should come up with some reasonable way to distribute the cost....oh, say, before taking on a shared expense, not after discovering usage is unevenly distributed.  That's the petty part.

    You can have separate finances and still behave like a team, which is what a marriage is.  The way OP framed her post makes it sound like they are roommates, not married.  And yes, I think that is redic, regardless of what account is where.  This is not about whether there is one account or many, it's about their attitude towards shared costs.  And I think that needs work.

    As for everything being shared being dumb, that's your opinion.  If it doesn't work for you, fine.  But I would hope that married couples would view some intertwining of expenses and obligations as normal.  It's like saying "well, I never use the family room and you have a home office, so you pay more of the mortgage".  It's rediculous.  Trying to come up with a fair way to pay a chunk of coin, not.   But treating it like a roommate who needs to pay a %, I stand by my assessment of redic. 

  • Floyd.BFloyd.B member
    image livinitup:

    Your explanation seems reasonable if it works for you.  To answer your original post, I got a bit more confused with your follow-up.  If your DH has health insurance through his employer (free) then why is he also on your plan if it a costs you?  He does not have it through his employer. he opted out and got on mine.  it made more sense. and because his employer does not pay for his insurance... they pay for our cell phones and internet.

    Is it becuase you have children, and therefore a family plan?  And that your insurance is his secondary insurance?

    The second part, is it realistic that you'd run-up a $5K deductible and then he'd benefit from 100% coverage? 

     This is exactly what happened last year.  I met the deductible by August and it was all free after that.

     

    The fact that some of you can't just answer my questions without bring into question the "whys" is a little funny.  And calling the whole thing petty?  no shiit...  I am married to Mr. Petty - so this is what I am trying to deal with.

    It sucks.  No question.

    Floyd P. Bamker - can't spell
  • image Floyd.B:
    image livinitup:

    Your explanation seems reasonable if it works for you.  To answer your original post, I got a bit more confused with your follow-up.  If your DH has health insurance through his employer (free) then why is he also on your plan if it a costs you?  He does not have it through his employer. he opted out and got on mine.  it made more sense. and because his employer does not pay for his insurance... they pay for our cell phones and internet.

    Is it becuase you have children, and therefore a family plan?  And that your insurance is his secondary insurance?

    The second part, is it realistic that you'd run-up a $5K deductible and then he'd benefit from 100% coverage? 

     This is exactly what happened last year.  I met the deductible by August and it was all free after that.

     

    The fact that some of you can't just answer my questions without bring into question the "whys" is a little funny.  And calling the whole thing petty?  no shiit...  I am married to Mr. Petty - so this is what I am trying to deal with.

    It sucks.  No question.

    The why is valid to ask.  This is not the type of thing that comes up in most marriages that are financially in synch, regardless of how the bank accounts are structured.  So I think just as valid as as answering how to do it is 'why does it matter'.  Clearly you and your DH are not financially in synch, and you view him as petty.  So let me ask - why live with something you find petty and - based on your response - distasteful?  I personally would't want to live a life where score is kept on dollars and cents, so I would make change a requirement.  It doesn't sound like you are happy with the situation, so why not question the fundamentals and initiate a change there?

    If he's resistant, I'd put seeing a fee-based financial advisor, and possibly a marriage counsellor on the table.  Often, keeping score is a marriage killer. 

  • image Floyd.B:
    image livinitup:

    Your explanation seems reasonable if it works for you.  To answer your original post, I got a bit more confused with your follow-up.  If your DH has health insurance through his employer (free) then why is he also on your plan if it a costs you?  He does not have it through his employer. he opted out and got on mine.  it made more sense. and because his employer does not pay for his insurance... they pay for our cell phones and internet.

    Is it becuase you have children, and therefore a family plan?  And that your insurance is his secondary insurance?

    The second part, is it realistic that you'd run-up a $5K deductible and then he'd benefit from 100% coverage? 

     This is exactly what happened last year.  I met the deductible by August and it was all free after that.

     

    The fact that some of you can't just answer my questions without bring into question the "whys" is a little funny.  And calling the whole thing petty?  no shiit...  I am married to Mr. Petty - so this is what I am trying to deal with.

    It sucks.  No question.

    Okay, I'll answer the matter at hand.  I tried a few runs at just keeping the focus at the narrow matter at hand - premiums and health-related payments.  But no matter how I looked at it, it just kept bleeding into everything else and how you split your finacials and all that. So while I am not being snarky about the 'why' it does play a role in how you sort it all out.  And you see it as petty, so do others.  Don't get offended.  Maybe that needs to be solved before you can solve the dollars and cents of this.  But here goes, its a little muddled. 

    For starters, do you consider his employer's payment of cell phones and internet income or his portion of health care payments?  You get your cell and 1/2 internet paid by him (so to speak).  So does he get 'credit' for that toward what you spend on health care?   If so, then that might 'cover' his portion of your expense.  Or at least count torward geting to 50-50 on the difference you would pay for single verse group coverage.  Or maybe you 'pay' him back for it ... and therefore he should 'pay' you back for health insurance.

    As for the deductible.  Under the current circumstances it seems that either one of you could run up the deductible and create a nice benefit for the other.  Or neither of you could and you'd both have to pay out of pocket. 

    This is convoluted, but I guess if one of you hits the $5K, then the other has to pay that person until they reach $2,500 (kinda like a personal deductible account).  So it's splitting the deductible.  If one reaches and exceeds it, the other doesn't get to use it untill they pay the other $2,500.  If their expenses only hit $1,200 - oh well, that's all they owe.       

    If you "pay" each other back and forth, then it would just be another charge.

    YOU:  Pay out of pocket until Aug and reach your deductible.  The insurance company doesn't charge you for future medical care.

    HIM: In September, he has a $1,200 medical procedure, but the insurance company doesn't charge him.  He has to pay you $1,200.

    If he never reaches the $2,500, he never gets the benefit of 100% coverage but you get a little cushion on what you paid to your deductible.  You both "even out" at $2,500 each.  And both benefit from 100% coverage after.

    Side note:  This has to be the weirdest advice I've ever given.  I'm not sure I even support it, but its the best I can do considering the senerio you gave.  And it seems a waste to delete it now.

    I'd rather see you tackle the bigger issue on your savings and spending goals as a couple/family, even if it does cause some give and take and fighting/compromise.  Than sort this "pettiness" out. 

    Good luck, and please tell how you decide to resolve it.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • image grrlygirl:
    image alithebride:
    image grrlygirl:
    image alithebride:

    it's not for anyone to understand why someone has separate or joint finances as everyone has different financial situations.

    that being said dh and i have separate because that's just how we are and what works for us as we share only a handful of the same expenses but we  each pay a few and it works wonderfully. we have no joint credit cards or anything as we're both (and were far before marriage) very financially stable and extremely financially responsible.

    if OP wants her and her DHs finances separate-big deal. i also think that the med bills should be paid by who received the care if things are separate. each should pay what's due.

    and there's no 'i spent $17 on milk give me half' unless you're so amazingly petty to the point of ridiculousness. you just buy the freaking milk!

     

    It is for anyone to comment on if you post on a public message board.  And it is totally petty to divvy up health care costs by usage/potential usage in a marriage. 

     

    Of course it is :)

    but if OP feels that bad about running up the ded for HER med bills and wants to pay it-why not? let her. just because you think that everything should be shared in a marriage dosen't mean that everyone is the same way. I personally think haaving joint accounts is silly-but that's only based on my financial situation. To each their own. $5k isn't a petty amount to her.

    $5k isn't a petty AMOUNT, nor did I say it was.  Trying to estimate who owes what based on potential usage or actual usage is petty.  The insurance covers them both, they are married, they should come up with some reasonable way to distribute the cost....oh, say, before taking on a shared expense, not after discovering usage is unevenly distributed.  That's the petty part.

    You can have separate finances and still behave like a team, which is what a marriage is.  The way OP framed her post makes it sound like they are roommates, not married.  And yes, I think that is redic, regardless of what account is where.  This is not about whether there is one account or many, it's about their attitude towards shared costs.  And I think that needs work.

    As for everything being shared being dumb, that's your opinion.  If it doesn't work for you, fine.  But I would hope that married couples would view some intertwining of expenses and obligations as normal.  It's like saying "well, I never use the family room and you have a home office, so you pay more of the mortgage".  It's rediculous.  Trying to come up with a fair way to pay a chunk of coin, not.   But treating it like a roommate who needs to pay a %, I stand by my assessment of redic. 

    Precisely!

    FWIW I wrote I think it's 'silly' not 'dumb'. Of course intertwining of expenses and obligations are shared-but that matters not if there's one bank account or 2.

    I agree with you that with OP treating it like a roommate who needs to pay a % is ridiculous as well.

    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
  • image grrlygirl:

    Seriously? 

    I get having 'yours/mine' accounts.  I do, although it isn't our approach.  But really by divvying it up down to the  insurance payments that are probably pretax payroll deductions, you make it sound like you are roommates vs. spouses. 

    Part of being married is things are 'ours' not 'I bought milk and picked up a prescription for you, you owe me $17.53'.

    just because you don't agree with how they do things doesn't make them any less married or any less committed spouses.  your way just might not work for them...just like theirs won't work for you.  

  • The ink is barely dry on my marriage license and admittedly, my husband and I haven't mixed money just yet, but we will but in the meantime, I can't imagine asking him to "pay me back" for something unless it was like a car payment or something where I wouldn't ordinarily have that kind of money sitting around. I make more than my husband anyway, so I take care not to make him feel less than because at this point in our marriage, I am the bread earner.

    I kind of agree with others about the focus on separating stuff and keeping things equal. It does sort of smack of roommates instead of soulmates.. 

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  • image Alicia_R1:
    image grrlygirl:

    Seriously? 

    I get having 'yours/mine' accounts.  I do, although it isn't our approach.  But really by divvying it up down to the  insurance payments that are probably pretax payroll deductions, you make it sound like you are roommates vs. spouses. 

    Part of being married is things are 'ours' not 'I bought milk and picked up a prescription for you, you owe me $17.53'.

    just because you don't agree with how they do things doesn't make them any less married or any less committed spouses.  your way just might not work for them...just like theirs won't work for you.  

    Yes, because based on her follow on post she's SO happy with the way it is.

    Huh?

  • We kept separate finances for several years and it just wasn't working.  Actually, it was just too much work.  It was my DH's idea, not mine.  Finally, I insisted we change to combining our finances into one checking account and its been great, and DH is very pleased now. 
  • We're not, so maybe this won't work.... but I'd say if it's a family plan then it follows the same rules as other family expenses and the deductibles become joint.

    Maybe it's not fair this year to him, but next year he could be the first one to meet the deductible.  So I'd say approach it like you do paying the mortgage, electrical or any other shared household expense which I would assume is 50/50 or based on a percentage of your income vs who is home more.

  • I will admit, the way you guys are doing your finances would never work for me as some others have indicated, but hey, to each their own.  So here's my thoughts on how to handle it. 

     I am also on a high deductible plan, and yes, you would be extremely surprised how quickly you can reach the max. You guys have split everything separately, so why should health insurance be any different.  Get him off yours as soon as you are legally able to (i.e. during open enrollment or if you have a qualifying event).  Money and resources are split, healthcare should be no different and then you have nothing to worry about it. It's clean.  You are exactly right in that you could rack up all of the expenses to reach the deductible and then wham something happens to him and he doesn't have to pay anything because you've already met the deductible b/c of your illnesses. But is looking at health insurance this way really healthy for your marriage??????   shame on your husband if he would let you eat all of the deductible costs and then use your insurance scott free.....shame shame shame and I would looking for a divorce to any man who would even think of doing this!!!!

    The other idea is to call a spade a spade and  set up a Health Savings Account or Flexible Spending Account that you equally contribute to.  Unfortunately, healthcare may not be one of those things that you can separate unless hes on his own plan.  I'm all about splitting up expenses, but I think as a married couple my personal preference is to come up with all the bills that you use together, i.e. heat, cable, phone, food, agreed upon monthly expenses, rent/mortgage, possibly car, etc, and have a joint savings account together that you equally agree to contribute to pay for this.  Beyond that, if you want to keep your money separate, by all means do it.  

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