Sex & Romance
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About to get married-couple of questions?

I've been lurking for a little while, and thought this would be a good place to get some advice. 

 My fiance and I are getting married next month, and we've never had sex (I know there are a lot of people on this board that feel very strongly that this is a stupid thing to do, but we felt it was right for us, we've done quite a bit a fooling around, so I feel like we both know what we're getting ourselves into.)

Anyway, what advice does anyone have for our first time? I know lots of lube, taking your time, etc, but what do you wish you would have known?

 And last thing, I'm on Loestrin, I'm careful about taking it on time, but we don't want kids any time soon, should we use condoms anyway? How reliable has the pill been for anyone here?

 

Thanks a ton :) 

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Re: About to get married-couple of questions?

  • Don't feel like you have to excuse your choice...it is after all yours to make!!! that being said...your first time may not be exactly what you think it will...keep an open mind sometimes you have to work at it.  I wish someone would have told me that it was not going to be fantastic however I was really young my first time and I wish I would have waited. 

     if you have been taking your pills correctly then you do not need to use condoms...unless it is your first month then you may want to use them just in case, but they may make your first time a little more complicated.

    enjoy your husband and dont put pressure on yourselves to make sex perfect....as you learn about eachother it will be great!!! good luck.

  • My first time we didn't use lube and it was terrible.  You might want to pick up a couple of different types to see what you like - DH and I had a HORRIBLE experience with the warming kind because we made the mistake of assuming since a little was good that a lot would be better - it wasn't and it burnt like fire on both of us.

    Take your time and relax!  You probably want to keep something nearby to clean up with afterwards and make sure you pee right afterwards to avoid UTIs.   

    Natural m/c @ 6 weeks - 3/1/2013 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • DH and I were both virgins we got married. I second what others have said - go slow and take your time! Don't feel pressured to have "amazing sex" right away. It was painful or uncomfortable for me for at least a month actually, but it gets better. We use condoms and usually no lube, so I can't really comment on that...

    Have fun!

  • Relax.  Use lube.  I like Astro Glide personally.  Don't have high expecations.  My first time was with H while we were dating and we were laughing a lot, so make it fun.  I wouldn't bother with condoms as long as you take your pill at the same time daily.  I was on it for five years and didn't get pregnant.

    Congrats on your upcoming wedding :)

    TTC Babypants with low motility and low morphology since 6/2010.

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  • Congrats on your upcoming nuptials!

    Ditto PP about not apologizing for your decision. It IS yours (and your FIs) to make. That said... My DH and I waited until our wedding night. On the way to the hotel I was SOOO nervous... but at the same time I wasn't because I knew he would take care of me. Have fun with it and don't rush it just because that?s what you're "supposed to do". Something that might be fun for your FI (and you!) is to dress up in all of the fun stuff you got at your shower/bachelorette party. By not focusing just on sex, you can take your time and just enjoy being married. :)

    As far as your BCP goes... as long as you take your pill at your regular time, I don't feel extra BC is necessary. DH hates condoms... we attempted it once and decided all natural is the way to go! :)

    GL

  • My technical advice to you is wear a condom the first few times and use lube.  I wish I would've known to wear lube.  The condom also helps with a little lubrication.  The first few times might hurt, they might feel like nothing at all, or they might feel great. I would say the biggest key is to simply relax.  If you are tense it will be painful. (easier said than done).  I would also mess around for a while and make sure you have an orgasm before hand so your body is less tense. The entire process needs to be enjoyable, so put less pressure on yourself, mess around for a while, and just try to enjoy yourself. While the sex itself may not ground breakingly pleasureful, it will still be wonderful!
  • I've just started lurking here a bit, but wanted to chime in.  My first time was painful and there was a decent amount of blood.  Since I assume you'll be at a hotel, you might want to put a towel down so you don't have to sleep in messy sheets. 

    Other than that, relax and have fun.  Don't expect it to be mind blowing.  Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! 

  • srgwsrgw member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    My H and I waited too. You don't need to explain to us.

    For me it was painful for the first week, but hasn't been since then. I did bleed the first time so ditto a towel underneath you and ditto using lube. Relax is the biggest thing. I was so nervous and that made it more painful. Communicate to your H about what hurts and feels good. Lots of foreplay.

    BTW: the poster who said orgasm first, when you've never had sex before having an orgasm might not be that easy. Just an FYI.

  • I have to agree with all the pps, but also, if you are super tired the night of your wedding, you might want to wait until the night after. Some friends of mine that I've talked to have done this and they said it made it even better.

    The night of, you are both tired, and possibly a little tipsy. With neither of you knowing what to do, it could be a little confusing and possibly painful on your end.

    If you waited until the next night, or even the morning after, you would feel more refreshed and therefore, totally ready and willing to have fun and jump each others bones like animals.

    Of course, I'm just a total random stranger and you can take my advice and do with it as you please.

     

  • Well cadala, I?m being quite frank and lengthy as to what I?m saying so here is my opinion to what you have posted ? yours in black, mine in blue:

    I've been lurking for a little while, and thought this would be a good place to get some advice. 

    My fianc? and I are getting married next month, and we've never had sex (I know there are a lot of people on this board that feel very strongly that this is a stupid thing to do, but we felt it was right for us, I feel as though this is your own business and I applaud you for the decision not to engage in intercourse before marriage  we've done quite a bit a fooling around, I assume here that you mean that you did try some foreplay without the actual act of intercourse so I feel like we both know what we're getting ourselves into.)  It is at this point you know some of the things which make you feel comfortable having intercourse with each other.

    Anyway, what advice does anyone have for our first time?  Relax, relax, relax ?get comfortable in the touching of each other first.  Making sure that you?re totally ready for him to insert before intercourse begins.  He should take it very easy going into your vagina with his penis on this first time.  Even for possibility the next fifteen to say thirty times or so.  You should be completely relaxed and well lubricated by both your natural as well as a good artificial lubricant so that the penetration is comfortable going in.  Your first time will probably be somewhat uncomfortable for you.  So just take things easy.  I know lots of lube, taking your time, etc, but what do you wish you would have known?  That being tense will make it hurt even more on that first few times so it is extremely important that you take it easy and relaxed.  I suggest a lot of foreplay so you are completely lubricated then use the missionary position with you on top the first few times ? this allows you complete control over how deep he?s able to penetrate your vagina. Also in this position you can pull off quickly if it begins hurting too badly.  If this is the case then just go back to lots of foreplay and lubricants.  I do not however foresee a problem with him on the top; but, he?ll be in a position to penetrate you much more deeply in this position which on your first time might be hurtful.  Just think about it ? so you know what to expect.

    Note: It is possible that he will not last very long ? that is he will in all probably only be in for a short period of time.  Due to the fact that most men ejaculate very quickly after penetration is obtained.  Usually within 1 to 3 minutes.  Keep this in mind also.  Due to this fact it would be better for you to have had an orgasm before he goes in.  After he ejaculates he?s probably going to sleep pretty quickly afterwards ? be aware of this also.

    And last thing, I'm on Loestrin,  here I can?t help since I?ve never been on any birth control other than my DH using a condom when I was in my fertile period time.  We used what was called the rhythm method of birth control when we were between pregnancies.  I'm careful about taking it on time, but we don't want kids any time soon, should we use condoms anyway?  All I can say here is if you trust your current birth control then just don?t worry.  If however you are not sure if they have taken control then use the back-up method ? use a condom also.  Better safe than sorry.  How reliable has the pill been for anyone here?

    I do wish you both the best of luck in your forthcoming nuptial.  You?ll be OK ? so don?t worry about the small things ? they?ve a way of working themselves out for you.

    If what I?ve said is unclear or you have further questions or concerns just PM me.

    ~~Emily~~  Smile

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  • The first time I had sex I actually don't recall it being painful, just uncomfortable. Make sure you have lube (either natural or artificial or both) and are relaxed.

     

    I have used the pill w/o condoms for 4 years without issue and still going. 

     

    Good luck!

  • 1. Don't expect it to be magical.

    2. Try to make out before he actually penetrates for sex, and maybe even make sure you orgasm before-hand

    3. since it's also his first time, it will go quickly.  It may take 2-3 times before you stop bleeding when you have sex.

    4. read the instructions on your birth control.  they'll tell you how long you need to be on them before they are covered.  I do nuvaring, and i would have to be on it for 7 days before it's fully coverable (and really all birth control is 97-99% if you take it correctly.  There really isn't a 100% full proof method of birth control.  Even Depo (shot) was like 99.7 % or something.

    5. If you chose to do it condom free, once he ejaculates in you, it will quickly leak out.  there is much more than what you will expect.  it will drip down your legs and on your way to the bathroom.  this is completely normal.  in the movies women just lay in bed and drift off to sleep, in real life they run to the bathroom trying to beat the gush of fluid dropping all over the floor.  just go to the bathroom and pee, then wipe well. 

     

  • Congrats on waiting till you get married. That is an awesome thing. However, I personally wouldn't use lube unless you get dry. Your body will make its own natural lubricant. Definitely take your time and enjoy yourselves. DH and I didn't have sex on our wedding night we were to exhaustedConfused

    I wouldn't worry about the condoms if you have been taking the pills the recommended time and correctly. 

    The only other thing I would recommend is don't rush anything. Take your time and relax. If your nervous sometimes it makes you really tense and can cause pain.Have fun !!

  • Thank you everyone for all of the wonderful advice! There was definitely some stuff FI and I hadn't thought of. We think the more we know going into this, the better, thanks so much.
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  • Congrats on the wedding!

    For us, it actually took a few tries on different days before we had sex for the first time.  It hurt like a mothertrucker.  In retrospect, I wish we'd thought to use lube, as I think that would have helped a ton, but I was 19 and what the heck did I know?  *grins*  There may be something of a size differential between the two of you; you should be prepared to try a variety of positions to find ones that feel good for both of you.

    We used both BCP and condoms for four years or so while we were in college and really wanted to make sure we avoided pregnancy; I was too paranoid to go with pills alone.  But I've found that I prefer not to use condoms because I've found that for me, even with the lubricated ones, there's too much friction unless I break out the tube o'lube, too.  In retrospect (again), we could probably have gone BCP only when we were in school and been perfectly safe, but we would have had to struggle to handle an "Oops" situation, so we erred on the side of caution.  Condoms have a failure rate, too, but the added layer of protection made us feel better.  Just something to think about.

    I think that if you don't have a lot of high expectations about how wonderful your first time will be or about how awesome your wedding night will be, everything will be fine.  DH and I were both too wiped the night of the wedding to do more than read a few of the cards we'd been given, munch on some cheese and strawberries, and crash out.  

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  • 1) Take every sex scene from tv/movies & delete it from your mind. Especially for your first time, it will likely be very quick.

    2) Sex is fun, messy & sometimes goofy. Bodies sliding on each other can sometimes create suction & make those farting noises.  It's ok to laugh in the middle of sex; just don't point at his penis while doing so.

    3) Simultaneous orgasms are extremely rare. 

    4) The reality of post-ejaculation/pre-pullout is grabbing kleenex for both of us, stuffing kleenex between my legs & doing an extremely unsexy waddle to the toilet before the seminal fluid leaks out.

    5) He &/or you may be zonked out right afterwards.  Don't expect to stay up in post-coital bliss discussing your new future.

    6) Foreplay is crucial.  Guys tend to be visualize creatures so lingerie is a great idea.  Lots of kissing, fondling, touching.

    7) During sex: don't just lay there. Grab his hair, lightly scratch his back, grab/slap his butt, and don't be afraid to be vocal (ooohs, ahhhs) if that feels natural.  Also, look at each other's eyes ever so often- this gaze during sex is very intimate.

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  • Wow, I wish I had had this adivce my first time.

    My only advice would be what PP have already said. Focus on you and DH, not what you 'think' it should be like. It will be special because it's your first time!!

    I do the run to the bathroom after sex, but try to wait at least a little bit! Lay there an enjoy what you've just done for a little bit. My doctor told me that peeing anytime within the first 30 minutes after sex should prevent UTI's.

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  • Congrats on your upcoming wedding.  DH and I were virgins when we got married and the night of our wedding, we were both exhausted but we tried it but it hurt me so much I didn't want to continue.  We didn't use lube, but then found we liked KY Yours and Mine.  I would also recommend foreplay as it helps get you both get in the mood and helps to relax you.  Just remember it's not going to be perfect or anything like what you see in movies.  Just relax and enjoy the special time just the two of you. 
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  • My first time was on our wedding night we were both virgins also ? it was very painful for me when he went all the way in.  He accidently hit my cervix, which really did hurt.  DH is quite large in the manly area.  I did bleed on my first few times when we had sex.  He was completely understanding about the whole thing and very apologetic for hurting me.  DH had did play with me until I was quite ready for him to enter.  I was extremely well lubricated ? naturally, totally relaxed and wanting him.  He was entering me from on top ? missionary style.

    As for the bleeding part ? I had already been warned by my sister and a girl friend to put a towel on the bed under me before we went at it.  So I did that first thing.  As I stated earlier I was very well lubricated with natural lube.  Completely calm and relaxed.  But we did have a tub of K-Y jelly though just to be safe, in case.

    I do wish that someone had warned me about how to start the marriage out ? me on top for the first few times though.  It give you the control of how deep he is able to go in which is important on those first few times.  Now with all that what happen to me ? here is what you can expect.

    You should not however expect it to be great, perfect, and fantastic, like it is in the movies nor to see sky rockets or fireworks that are not going to happen now or possibility ever.  So do not look for that!

    Your DH on that first few times he inserts into you will probably be somewhat painful, uncomfortable and hurtful for you.  Here let me state since it is his first time also he is not going to last very long in you before he ejaculates going soft almost instantly (I would say he will be in you hard all of 2 minutes tops).  There is a possibility of your bleeding so be advised to put a towel down on the bed so you will not have to sleep later on that bloody wet spot there will also be one if he does not use a condom.   Then there will also be leakage from your vagina when he has ejaculated.  This seminal fluid which is deposited in you will start leaking out when he pulls out.  At this time it is best if you have a towel, rag, or Kleenex close by to hold against your vagina ? so you can go to the bathroom.  You need to pee as soon after sex as possible cleaning up down there.  This is just so you prevent the possibility of UTI?s.  Prevention is much better than the cure.  So take care of that.  Go pee each, every time you have sex.

    You want to take things slow that first few times, go slow, relax, that relaxing part is most important so that it does not hurt when you have sex those first few times.  Take your time, go slow, have fun,

    Sex is to be enjoyed, fun, playful, amazing, awesome, just something that makes you both feel good, relaxed comfortable.

    It will defiantly get better even great after a short time.  The vagina is an amazing, wonderful thing it will stretch as you have more, more sex it is highly elastics so it will accommodate even the largest of penises.  You?ll be enjoying, wanting it more and more as the next few years go by.  Many couples enjoy sex 3-5 even more times a week.  So just look forward to it becoming something wonderful to look forward too.

    Congratulations on those upcoming nuptials!!!

    I would use a towel on the bed under your body.  Have new husband take things slow very slow when putting his penis in the vagina for that first time.  Having him just use one finger to start things going with the foreplay.  Have lots of this foreplay so you are well lubricated before his penis is inserted.

    I can not help with BCP since I have never taken them or even know how they work.  But I would say others say they work fine if you have been on them as directed for the time to cover that period when you need protection.  If you need additional help with this I suggest you see your doctor who prescribed them for his/her advise.

    Good luck on all you have coming up in your married life?s together ? now and forever ?

    I'm past child baring years
  • First of all, kudos to you for waiting, it's not a bad thing.

    Secondly, I can't stress enough the three most important things for making sure you are lubed enough: 1) foreplay, 2) foreplay and 3) foreplay. If you are wet enough, you will not need lube (but it's good to have in case you do need it).

    Thirdly, if you are good about taking your BCP then you do not need condoms, honestly it might make it more difficult to enjoy sex.

    Finally, for many couples who have never had sex before, the first time isn't always mind blowingly spectacular, it may take you two a number of times before you learn what works and what doesn't. So don't worry or feel like you "failed" if you don't orgasm on the first shot.

    You have a great opportunity to build a healthy sexual relationship from square one because neither of you have any previous lover baggage and can concentrate solely on each other's likes and dislikes.

    And one last piece of advice: do not be afraid to talk about sex. Never feel embarrassed about things you'd like to try and make sure he knows that he can talk to you about things he might like to try. You just need to agree that if something is absolutely not what you are into (anal, bondage, dirty talk,fantasies or whatever) then no is no and neither can make the other feel bad about it. 

    ENJOY! 

  • kjewellkjewell member
    Your first time will NOT be rainbows and butterflies.  It wont be magical, it will be painful and bloody.
    "You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."
  • Relax and enjoy each other for a while (foreplay) before penetration. Then you'll be self-lubricated and may not need as much lubrication, differs for everyone. Don't be nervous, but just be in the moment. Be careful with the UTIs. If you go from no sex to newlywed multiple times a night sex, you are very suceptible. Go pee 30 min., before and don't fall asleep without peeing first.
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  • My first time was not painful or bloody.  Don't assume yours will be.  Be patient and enjoy.
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  • My first time I didn't need any lube or anything but i did need to take it slow. I was on LoEstrin for almost a year and never got pregnant and I am about to start taking it again, by far the best birth control ever, have fun with it come up with fun stuff fruit roll ups are fun lol whip cream just relax and let it come naturally
    ?I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.? ~Walt Disney
  • image ilovehouses:

    5. If you chose to do it condom free, once he ejaculates in you, it will quickly leak out.  there is much more than what you will expect.  it will drip down your legs and on your way to the bathroom.  this is completely normal.  in the movies women just lay in bed and drift off to sleep, in real life they run to the bathroom trying to beat the gush of fluid dropping all over the floor.  just go to the bathroom and pee, then wipe well. 

    This was a good thing to mention. We haven't used condoms in years with no problems but generally after sex I stay laying down with my legs crossed and using my pelvic muscles kind of like when you're holding your pee in. I lay there like this while my husband goes to the bathroom and grabs me some toilet paper. Then he brings it to me and I put it between my legs and walk to the bathroom (still acting like I'm holding in my pee). This might sound complicated but it's really not (we've got it down to a science lol). I'd also suggest putting down a towel due to this too because some can drip out onto the sheets so unless you don't mind sleeping on it I'd say get a towel or something. Also if you're on top when he finishes it will drip out when you get off of him so if he doesn't mind you could just let it drip onto his stomach and then he can just jump in the shower (this is what we do). Also it will still be dripping out even after you wipe and you think it's all out. I usually end up having to change my underwear not too long after I've gotten dressed. Sorry if all that was TMI but I feel it's at least a good thing to think about. 

  • My husband and I have been having sex for 4 years and have never had to use lube so i cant comment on that but if you are not going to use condoms then have a towel or wash cloth near by so you can clean up afterward. My husband and I use condoms just so we don't have to clean up the mess and to make sure that we don't have any chance of getting pregnant. I was on loestrine and it was awesome but birth control isn't 100% affective so if you really really aren't ready for children then use a condom! Also you can get lubed condoms. You should know that if you are taking any type of medication regularly it decreases the effectiveness of your birth control by like 7%. Have you ever heard of those "always wipes"? They are cleansing towelettes that you can use to clean up while you are on your period I find they work so well right after sex to help clean the mess up...we keep some in our night stand and in the bathroom drawer. My H can use them to clean off as well. Hope some of this helps! Good luck and don't stress just enjoy!
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  • Here's my first time advice:

     -Don't feel bad when you guys aren't "good" at it! You guys are going to learn and grow together over time, as long as you are committed to having a fantastic sex life you guys are going to get there. Your first time will probably hurt like a *** and be short... that's not a big deal. And your second time you are not going to be rockstars. Also not a big deal. This does not mean that your sex life will not eventually be the envy of all your friends.

     -Enthusiasm. Be willing and excited to try things. If you are enthusiastic about sex... everything else eventually falls into place.

    -Listen to your hubby. This is the best way to become a rockstar. Listen... all of his noises tell you what you need to know.

    -Ask for what you need. And never fake an orgasm. He will learn bad techniques, because he will listen to you for cues. Yes you want him to think he's doing a good job, but faking is not the solution. Tell him what feels great, either with your words or with noise lol, and feel free to show him how/what you need.

    -Communicate. (I know it's a duh) But if one of you is dissatisfied about something, you need to talk and figure it out. Mediocre sex becomes bad sex really quickly if you cannot talk about stuff.

     

    Oh and have fun. Sex is awesome. In case you were wondering.

     

     

    Edit: I left out the stuff everyone else said... but yes. Relax. I was freaking out and it made it more painful. Take your time. Much foreplay.

    Just a thought... For me, lube was not okay. After our first time we tried lube to make things easier the second time. It burned like a ***!! The inevitable cherry popping had left me a little wounded, and the lube was painful in all those microscopic cuts or whatever. Just my experience
     

  • I didn't read all of the responses to your question, so sorry if this is redundant.  For your first time and every other time after that, know how to LAUGH at yourselves.  There will probably be funny noises involved.  Don't be embarrassed by anything.  You two will be the only ones there!  I hope it's wonderful for you.

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  • image Truchana:
    I would also mess around for a while and make sure you have an orgasm before hand so your body is less tense.

    This. 

  • image srgw:

    BTW: the poster who said orgasm first, when you've never had sex before having an orgasm might not be that easy. Just an FYI.

    I don't understand this persons concern.  This shouldn't be an issue...  foreplay => orgasm for op => sex.  Maybe we aren't all on the same page because it seems to make sense...

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