Sex & Romance
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Libido gone MIA?

I have been with my now husband for four years, married for eight months, we are very happy together but we lead VERY hectic lives. He works three jobs and I have a job that requires a lot of overtime. Since we've gotten married my sex drive has practically disappeared. He wants it anytime all the time, but never really initiates it, then gets mad when we don't do it. I don't know how to get 'back in the groove' of things, I feel like I've gotten myself into a hole I can't dig myself out of. I would like to have more sex, but I just don't have the drive for it. I'm in my twenties so this should NOT be happening, I just don't know what to do anymore. Any tips?

Re: Libido gone MIA?

  • Have you talked to him about it and I mean everything? Set aside  a day every week for sex  do this for a month or more if you want. If this doesn't help within a few months you might want to talk to a doctor. It could be a side effect from any medicine your on. My birth control was the problem i was on seasioniqu (how ever you spell it sorry don't good at spelling). are you on any medicine?
  • I HEAR YOU. I want to watch this thread to see other responses. Have been with my hubby 4 years married 7 months and we are having the same problem. My hubby doesn't initiate very often because he almost always knows he'll be turned down. We have talked about it sooo many times and I have tried to set aside a night a week to make an effort to initiate but I am just tired all the time and NEVER in the mood. I can never get myself in the mood either either mentally or physically. I feel like I have tried and tried, it's frustrating and now I feel like I am in a hole (since we haven't been intimate in quite awhile now) and I don't know how to "get back on the wagon" and start having regular sex again (which I want in my mind sooo bad, but physically I feel like I just can't get into it). Ugh! I feel your frustration!
  • I still get like that a lot so every once in a while i just have to do it to please him. i know that sounds bad but its the truth i just have no sex drive. i have been off by birth control for two months trying to work on it but I'm not sure if it is the actual cause. but I'll do what ever my doc say so i can try to get back on track. but i would really look into the medicine thing!! that is what was wrong with my sister so maybe that's all that up with you too!
  • I doubt this just started once you said "I do".

    When you ask him to turn off the phone, what does he do?  Does he have any hobbies?  Does he turn off his phone when he does that?  

    He has to make you a priority.  All the date nights or "cell phone free hours" aren't going to change his essential nature.  If you and your relationship isn't going to be #1 in his life, you will have a difficult life.

    And if he tells you that he has to work this hard to get ahead and provide for you, he is mistaken. 

  • i think your talking about another post if im not mistaken.
  • i think your talking about another post if im not mistaken.

     

    Ditto.

  • I'm in the same situation.  It's been a year or so now of dwindling to about every couple months and it gets frustrating when you know you want to make him happy and be with him but you just can't get into it at all.  My current solution is to get off the BC pill and at the moment am reading a book called Ressurecting Sex by David S(I can't remember his last name).  So far the book is good and it doesn't make you sound like it's all your fault and your diseased which I like.   
    image "A person can change their life by making different choices then what they normally make." ExerciseMilestone
  • image cherrysweetdeal:
    I'm in the same situation.  It's been a year or so now of dwindling to about every couple months and it gets frustrating when you know you want to make him happy and be with him but you just can't get into it at all.  My current solution is to get off the BC pill and at the moment am reading a book called Ressurecting Sex by David S(I can't remember his last name).  So far the book is good and it doesn't make you sound like it's all your fault and your diseased which I like.   

    I will deffinatly have to find this book.  hope it helps us all out

  • image *Ang&Al*:
    i think your talking about another post if im not mistaken.

    Ditto.

    Whoops!  My bad! 

  • I'm so glad to know I'm not alone in this! That in itself makes me feel better about our situation. Keep the answers coming :-)
  • Sex breeds more sex.

    Even if you don't think you feel like it, do it anyway.  Unless you are really sick, you will still enjoy it, and if you don't - he will, which is enough to get me going.

    Not having sex breeds more not having sex.  So the best thing to do is just jump back on the horse!  Put on cute lingerie, light candles, put some effort into it, even if you're not really feeling it - you'll get there - unless something's going on that you haven't told us about... If you don't try, you won't succeed. 

  • Floating in the same boat! But about the BC comments, I have been off of it for almost 6 months, and nothing has changed. I was the same way when I was on it too. I know a lot of other women who have done the same thing and there hasn't been a change for them either. If you think it's about BC, call your dr. and get their opinion. I know that when I was on my anxiety meds, my dr did say that this certain pill would effect my libido. I'm coming to discover it's more of a mind thing... when I'm at work, I think about work. When I'm at home, I think about cleaning and cooking. When I go to bed, I think about sleep. I need think about "wrestling" with my DH!! Smile

  • image MrsYeske:

    Sex breeds more sex.

    Even if you don't think you feel like it, do it anyway.  Unless you are really sick, you will still enjoy it, and if you don't - he will, which is enough to get me going.

     

    I couldn't agree with this more!  We literally went months prior to and after our wedding without it and neither of us really cared because we were just so tired and busy.  Then we just made an effort that even if we didn't feel like it, we would.  Now both of our drives seem to be more "normal."

    image Anniversary
  • Oh I agree with you, sympathize, relate... whatever you want to call it. I completley know what you mean. My hubby and I have been married 9 months and were together for about 3 years before we got hitched and we are in a bti of a rut too. We both work from sun up to sun down and when we get home we just want to lay there and do nothing. We just want to lay in the bed and snuggle and sleep. Now it is def. a different story when we go out of  town or we have a long weekend (who's excited about a holiday on Monday!!)  We are just too tired and we are only in our twenties too. I agree with the fact it could be medication and do wnat to speak with my dr. about it-- but jeez- if the meds are causing this- then what else is it doing to my body that isn't needed or natural.  Needless to say, you're not alone. My hubs and I have chatted about it a bit- and we figure right now we will sleep when we want to and get frisky when we want to-- but again- you're not alone.
  • i think mine is MIA too! DH and I have manic lives also, hes good at initiating but i usually shoot him down [the sarcastic cow that i can be!] just because im so tired all the time. I have ME which contributes to the tiredness but being 4 months pregnant and with a toddler its often dfficult to find a mutual time that we both feel in the mood. I think talking openly as much as possible about it will help as you may find gaps which you can find a solution, or if you do think its due to a pill you may be taking, have a chat with your doctor. itll get there tho, dont panic! x
  • my theory is that once you get into a domesticated lifestyle, the man usually gets a little lazy about foreplay and romance. women need more stimulation to get in the mood. i love my dh but he too is kind of lazy in this department. i try to encourage him to go on romantic get-aways or just take some time to do something different and more romantic than the usual daily routine. it may not be that often but at least you will connect deeply. and foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. if he's not going to put the effort into that then there's not going to be any sex. personally, i do want to enjoy it and don't want to just lay there to please him. i want something out of it too!
  • you know, its funny how this stuff waxes and wanes. in the first16 weeks i was so ridiculously sick, but when i wasnt, i was VERY into sex. now, at 21 weeks i feel great, virtually no sickness, and yet i have absolutely no desire physically, even tho i daydream about it often enough and seem to have a lot of dreams about it...I just cant get in the mood! wtf!!!
  • Have you talked to him about it and I mean everything? Set aside  a day every week for sex  do this for a month or more if you want.

    Whether the temporary dip is from time after the wedding, the baby, or both-

    I agree that communication is KEY.  Often talks about sex will get you both going--even if it starts out slightly negative, as long as you transition to describing pleasurable experiences the outcome is marvelous.  Games like "I always love it when you..." or "I thought maybe later we could..." can open things up and serve as foreplay for you, if you have a vivid imagination.

    image Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I have been with DH for almost 11 years and married for almost 2. We have a wonderful 6 month old baby and I have finally gotten my sex drive back! I can relate to not having any interest! I think women need to be mentally into it to be turned on and men can do with just the physical. A few ideas that worked for us...

    1) Get some sexy lingerie (sp?) if you feel sexy it will get the ball rolling. Surprise him by putting it on and being the sexy thing that you are! We can't depend on the men to get things going cause they are kinda lazy ;) 

    2) If you like reading I would recommend a good romance novel ( i used to think they were cheesy as my mom read them all the time but now I love them) I prefer books by Nalani Singh. Romance novels are sexy but not dirty or gross so it is perfect for women! I imagine my husband as one of the characters from the book - it helps! 

    3) Just say yes! Once you get started it does feel good so get some lubricant if you aren't ready to go at the drop of a dime and enjoy!

    4) Ask DH to take some of the load off of you - there is nothing sexier than my man doing the dishes or the laundry so I don't have to worry about it :) 

    The main thing is just getting back into the swing of things... Once you get back to doing it more often it will feel more natural and not like a burden. Try to concentrate on ways to get yourself in the mood (change your mind set) and making sure you are feeling good. Men could get off in the middle of a bomb scare but women need to be mentally and physically primed! Hope it helps! Sex is a wonderful and necessary part of marriage - my husband and I always get along better with more sex in our lives. Plus it is a great way to burn of stress! :) 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Pregnancy Ticker
  • image schulou:

    Floating in the same boat! But about the BC comments, I have been off of it for almost 6 months, and nothing has changed. I was the same way when I was on it too. I know a lot of other women who have done the same thing and there hasn't been a change for them either. If you think it's about BC, call your dr. and get their opinion. I know that when I was on my anxiety meds, my dr did say that this certain pill would effect my libido. I'm coming to discover it's more of a mind thing... when I'm at work, I think about work. When I'm at home, I think about cleaning and cooking. When I go to bed, I think about sleep. I need think about "wrestling" with my DH!! Smile

    I actually talked to my doctor in regard to BC and decreased sex drive. She said the hormones in the pill are so low, it would not have an effect on your sex drive. I am on anti-depressants, and she said those are most likely the source of it, if anything. But BC pills have such low amounts of hormones it would not cause something as big as a lack of a sex drive. I also live 2hrs from my hubby because I'm in graduate school, and he's working at home to be able to support us. The distance and the craziness of school is in the forefront of my mind so when bedtime hits, I'm out. I'm moving home this Monday (YAY!) and I plan on scheduling a date night and talking to him to see if we can do something. We have sexy games we can play (One is like, a dice game where one is an action, and the other is a part of the body), or just try SOMEthing that can push us to get in bed together. I miss being intimate in that regard, but it's most likely more than just you don't want to, yanno? What other medications are you on? What's going on with work/school/family/etc? So many things to consider, but as long as you are able to sit and talk about it, I believe things will work themselves out and you'll be able to get back in the groove of love :)
    Anniversary BabyFruit Ticker BabyFetus Ticker
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