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Is it over??--Long vent

DH and I will be married one year on September 2nd. I am already wanting out...let me explain.

DH works for our 911 center. He works 2nd shift, I work 1st shift. His day consists of: Getting up, getting our son up, watching TV until about 1PM when he has to get a shower, get dressed and drop our son off at Grandma's and go to work. He comes up at night, watches TV and go to bed. My day: I wake up at 7AM, go to work, get off work and sit in traffic for 35 minutes on average, pick up my son, go home, cook dinner, clean up house, do laundry, etc. Put son to bed, wait up for DH who comes home and watches TV...I get frustrated and go to sleep.

DH does nothing, and I mean nothing, but watch TV and leaves his crap around the house for me to clean up. There is no affection, no communication. I think MAYBE if I had a TV surgically implanted into my stomach, he MIGHT look at me. We still have sex...but it's when he wants it. I have confronted him about this, told him I wanted out, I wasn't going to live this way. He always talks about how stressed out about how financially strained we are (I was unemployed for 3 months and it made a disaster that I have taken complete responsibility for, and am trying to clean up the mess). Today...I asked him if he'd be willing to talk to someone to help our marriage. He said no. I asked him what if our marriage depended on it, and his reply was "Then I guess you better file for a divorce". He wont' tell me why he is so anti-counseling...but I don't know where else to go with this. I am so happy right now. I am overwhelmed, and feel underappreciated and bluntly, I don't feel like he loves ME, just loves having me home to take of his stuff.

Where do I go from here? Should I start looking into a divorce lawyer, or what? I don't want to end it...we have a kid together, I love him and all...I just am at my wits end.

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Re: Is it over??--Long vent

  • Today...I asked him if he'd be willing to talk to someone to help our marriage. He said no. I asked him what if our marriage depended on it, and his reply was "Then I guess you better file for a divorce".

    THEN DO IT first thing Tues. morning. obvioulsy he doesnt believe you or honestly doesnt care!

    what a ***!

    let me add obviously this didnt just start either...you are doing it all because  you have put up with and he expects it now.

    stop waiting up for him, stop doing his laundry and cooking for him and DEFINITELY STOP sleeping with him.

  • Sounds like you are overworked and underapreciated. I know talking to a man is like talking to a wall;dogs sometime actualy look at you. I take it you already articulated how you feel to him. If this is the case just stop being his mommy and have him do his own laundry and if he complains just tell him you are to tired to pick up after him and that he needs to pitch in. Sounds like he still resents you and has issues to work out.
  • He told you where he stands. You need to listen. He has no intentions of working on this marriage, so you can stay with the way things are now or file for divorce.
    A lot of years and a million tears finally led me to you.
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  • Before I filed for divorce I would try plan B and stop taking care of him.  Let the house go to crap.  Stop cleaning after him.  Don't do his laundy.  Let his mess pile up around him.  If he asks why, you are overwhlemed, don't have time and need help around the house.  See how bad he will let it get.  We were having this discussion at work the other night and the method seemed to work well for quite a few of my coworkers.  If it doesn't work, or at least open some doors for talking and his "file for divorce then" wasn't out of sarcasm then you can go from there.

  • Don't throw in the towel on this.

     Being unemployed three months isn't as abad as it is for some of us -- there are people who are unemployed for much much longer than three months; thank the economy for that and the fact that there simply are not enough jobs for everyone. So your H should just pipe down on that one. Sheesh...

    He's acting like you took the opportunity to spend him into the poorhouse while you did nothing all day but sit on your tail.

    That said, you should not be stuck pulling the entire load in that house alone. I'd leave his dirty laundry and dirty dishes where they are and let him do something when he wants something to eat or when he wants clean clothes. I'm serious: let him get the picture that way.

    He's anti counseling probably because he refuses to believe there's a problem.

     

     

  • Has his behavior changed since you got married?

    If he won't go to counseling you have a major problem on your hands, because his horrible comment that you should file for divorce means one of two things:

    1. He is a terrible, hateful, emotionally abusive communicator and will not change, or

    2. He thinks you should file for divorce.

    I'd suggest counseling for you to get through this and also to find out why you decided to hitch your wagon to this mudpit.

  • Many men are very opinionated when it comes to counseling.  I have heard some say "If you have to go to counseling it is already too late and you might as well get a divorce".  Your husband may follow that theory.  I think you should tell him he hurt you, tell him he needs to pick up the slack, and tell him you need his help to save the marriage.  If he doesn't respond to this you could look into taking more drastic measures.  Don't be flippant about it though...marriage is a serious thing, it is not to be thrown away lightly and marriage with a child involved is an even more serious thing.
  • I have felt like this a LOT too (we're almost at our 1 year mark) and we don't even have kids yet. I got so incredibly tired of asking him to pitch in that I finally just sat down and typed out a list of everything that needs to be done to keep our home clean and running, and then I assigned a difficulty of either a 1 or 2 to it (2 being more difficult/intensive). Then I printed out the list, gave it to him, and said he needed to pick 7 of the 1 levels and 3 of the 2 levels (there ended up being more, but you get the point). He could pick WHATEVER ones he wanted, and I didn't complain once about which ones he picked. So, he ended up feeling like he got a good deal because he thought he was picking all the "easy" ones and he got to choose instead of being told what to do (important!). It's been about a week now and it's already infinitely easier...I still pick up some of the slack because I get home well before he does (which, it sounds like you do too), but he's already said he likes knowing what he needs to do and as long as he does what he's signed up to do, I can't complain  :-)

     This is not worth filing for a divorce over, if there's not other issues you need to try to work through this even if it's just for the sake of your son. Good luck!!

  • I love the pp because that is what teachers are told to do to get their students to feel ownership over their responsibilities...it obviously even works for adults.  Bravo on your effort!
  • image MrsWilliams2B:

    He always talks about how stressed out about how financially strained we are (I was unemployed for 3 months and it made a disaster that I have taken complete responsibility for, and am trying to clean up the mess).

    Did everyone else miss this, or did no one else care?

    Has it occured to you that your DH is struggling with depression? 

    I'm not saying that it should give him permission to act like a sloth.......but it would explain it.  He's TELLING you that he's stressed out........what have you done to address his concerns?  Anything?

    I have to respectfully disagree with a pp - if either me or my DH were unemployed for 3 months, we would be in serious financial trouble.........and it would no doubt take a toll on all aspects of our life. 3 months out of work - when you have a child - is nothing to make light of.  Good for you for doing what you can to make it better, but I think that you're every bit as wrong to discount the amount of stress that your DH is under because of it as he is for discounting counseling.

    And working 2nd shift sucks.  Has he been doing it for long?  It's really hard for some people to function well on, especially when they're expected to function on the same timeline as people on 1st shift.

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  • You should pick up a copy of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. You can find it for under $5 on Amazon in good condition. That book is truly amazing. The writing style is very easy, the author helps you come to conclusions by yourself and breaks things down on her 15+ years as a couple/marriage counselor.

    I'd definitely read it. It will give you some amazing insight on yourself, your husband and help you come to a conclusion very quickly and painlessly. If it is so bad that you need to leave, you'll do so regretless, but if it's not that bad, she helps you come to conclusions on "fixing" it.



    As for your situation, only you can decide when you've had enough. I can understand the stress of allowing him to take care of himself with a young child who NEEDS a clean home, but there are way to do it. Let his dirty dishes pile in the sink, throw his messy clutter in his office or his "man" space, put his dirty laundry in the closet floor or hamper, just don't clean it.

    Make sure your home is still safe for you and your child and hazard free, but let the man have a quick reality check on how it WILL be minus you. I'd also stop cooking meals for him. No more leftovers for him, even if that means your dog or neighbors are getting home cooked meals.

    Good luck with your situation. I hope you'll keep us updated!
  • I agree with sugarmag13...he either agrees to change (which doesn't sound likely) or you get out of there. You work hard, you put all the effort in, and look what you get in return. Nothing. You should be appreciated and loved and you're not getting either from him. It shouldn't be that way.
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  • Thanks for all of your great advice..I sincerely appreciate this.

    There was a pp about DH and depression. I do realize that he is depressed. DH has always been this way. Our relationship before we got married was off and on for quite some time. He has his issues that he was dealing with, and after the last "break" he realized what we had and we have been going strong.

     The economy is bad. I left my job due to some personal reasons, and entering the job market again, I was offered numerous jobs. Due to us having a vacation planned that we could not cancel, I was not able to take them. DH makes enough money to support us, but only if it's basic life essentials. There would be no eating out, going to movies, etc. He lives off fast food and what not, so this lifestyle was not working for him. I have taken responsibility for our financial strain, and he realizes this. I guess what it boils down to, is DH was raised in a financially comfortable home. The ILs are well off and always have been.

    I am not ready to throw in the towel on our marriage. I love him, am IN love with him...I am just so frustrated because I don't feel appreciated, and he is stubborn. We went to my grandmother's for dinner this evening, and when we got back, I started straightening up the kitchen. DH went through his mail mess, filed it away and started on laundry. I am going to quit doing his laundry, and straighten up after me and my son. DH is on his own. Hopefully this will help show the light to DH that I am tired of it.

    I will definately keep this updated. Thanks again. All of you were very helpful.

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  • I'm not sure I get why you've taken full responsibility for the financial issues after unemployment.

     I mean as a couple I assume you made the decision for yout o leave the job. As a couple you made the call to go on vacation rather than take a job.

    It seems to me to be part of a pattern of you guys not working as a team.

    You've taken all responsibility for the financial problems and the fix up. You've taken all responsibility for the house.

     Your husband may be depressed and dealing with stress but he needs to do somehting to deal with this situation whether it be see a doctor or a counsellor or what have you.

    Could you look at going to counselling by yourself?  It may help you pin point some of the issues and look at strategies you can employ to help you turn around the "I'm being his Mum" situation.

     

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  • I have confronted him about this, told him I wanted out, I wasn't going to live this way.

    If my DH and I were having problems, and his response to them was that he "wanted out," I would think he didn't value our marriage much.  I'm not saying that's how you mean it, but maybe that's how he takes it.  That would certainly affect his motivation to "fix" things, if he feels like you're going to threaten to leave whenever y'all have problems.

  • how old is your son? did guys just move in together?

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  • DH was supportive of my leaving my job, but was not happy with me about it. I chose to leave there because with the way my head was working, I would have ended up in an in-patient psych ward. DH busted his butt at work for a month straight, because we had this family vacation planned with the ILs. MIL began planning this trip on March. I told him I wanted to stay home so while they were gone, I could work and help catch up. DH told me no, that he didn't want me to miss the ocean, since I never been to the ocean before and he sacrified our HM when we married for a couch (long story LoL). He does however, feel as if I weren't "selfish", we wouldn't be in this situation. Yeah, I guess in a way I was selfish, but when your that unhappy that you can't function, what can you do??

    Our son is 3 years old. We moved in together when DS was born, and have been living together since. DH and I have had a rather bumpy relationship, being together for almost 5 years. I will say, that I KNEW what I was getting into with his mood swings and such. That is an issue, but not as badly as the reason for this thread. I know things will get better once we're back on top and have credit cards caught up, and DH is "at risk" of losing his truck that he loves so much.

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  • I have confronted him about this, told him I wanted out, I wasn't going to live this way.

    If my DH and I were having problems, and his response to them was that he "wanted out," I would think he didn't value our marriage much.  I'm not saying that's how you mean it, but maybe that's how he takes it.  That would certainly affect his motivation to "fix" things, if he feels like you're going to threaten to leave whenever y'all have problems.

    This occured about 2 weeks ago. As I said before, this problem has been on-going for about 3 months. We had a discussion later that night, and we poured out our feelings and talked through them. At least...I thought we did. I don't threaten to leave everytime we have problems. That is only the 2nd time that had happened (and the first time occured 3 weeks after we married, when he did something WAY WAY WAY out of line) and we're usually really good about working through any issues.

    I will have my work out for me trying to work with DH to see someone, however, if he doesn't want to, that is his choice. I, myself, once we get back on top of things, I will be going to a therapist.

    Again, thanks for everyone's advice. DH and I are working on this, and we have no intention of leaving one another. We both value our marriage, and love one another. I was just so frustrated, and probably will be until things calm down.

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  • image MrsWilliams2B:
    We went to my grandmother's for dinner this evening, and when we got back, I started straightening up the kitchen. DH went through his mail mess, filed it away and started on laundry.

     

    First off, let me say that I know where you are coming from. I have been married to dh for a little over 2 years and I remember at the 1 year mark how frustrated I would get at dh for not picking up after himself, not appreciating all the work I put into the home. But at the same time, I had the cushy sit-on-my-butt-all-day job and he did a lot more physical labor that required a LOT of heavy lifting, etc. He comes home with back aches and pulled muscles all the time. I had to realize that there was never going to be a "fair share" at home because he did a LOT of work during the day. Really, he came home far more tired then I ever was or would be and yes, while he needed to appreciate what I did for him, I also needed to appreciate all the work he did to keep our family afloat and financially stable. I know you and your husband do the same job, but the fact that he works second shift takes a huge toll on him physically, probably more than you working first shift for the same job. You have to realize that while he is on this shift, he will always be more tired than you when you come home and that it will always seem a little "unfair" because of that. the sooner you accept that and move on, the better you will be able to cope with your frustration.

     

    Secondly, You said yourself that he went through the mail and he did his own laundry. Not a huge deal in itself, but the fact that you've been frustated with him not doing ANYTHING and now he has done SOMETHING you should take note of this. Did you tell him "thank you" for doing his laundry? when I was trying to get my husband to do a little more housework, I found that if I noticed what he did and commented on it, a lot more would get done. We hate being taken for granted that we are just going to do something, and all we're asking for really is that what we do is appreciated. Well the same goes for men. They need the encouragement and they need to know that you DO notice when he helps out and that you REALLY appreciate the help.

     I don't think you're at the brink of a divorce, and if you don't want a divorce, don't talk about it. Seriously. My husband and I have a rule, we don't mention the word divorce because it is almost worse than the F word. It's a dirty word that we do not ever want to experience. Also, don't throw "im gonna leave you" in his face when you're just trying to get him to do something around the house. Say what you mean and mean what you say, and if you're telling us that you don't want to leave him and you still love him, then don't tell him you want to leave him or you will at some point.

     

     

  • Since the TV watching is an issue and money is tight, I would cancel the cable.  You will save some extra money and DH will have to engage a bit more in family activities and the household.
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