Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

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Poll

Did you take your H's last name/do you plan to take his last name? Why or why not?

 

I'm on the fence. I would like to take his last name personally but keep my last name professionally.

Re: Poll

  • this is a toughie, and one that everyone's got to figure out for themselves based on a variety of personal feeling and, yes, logistical considerations.

    I changed my last name to his (1) because I wanted everyone in our family to have the same last name, and (2) because I was at a point in my career (halfway through grad school), where it was easy to make the transition. In my previous career, I don't think changing my name professionally would have been much of an option. I was grateful it was relatively simple for me.

    However, I would also say that I had no strong attachment to or sentimental feelings for my maiden name. Most of my adult life I was quite estranged from my father and generally felt like his family didn't offer me much in the way of a legacy or anything. So, I didn't even keep my maiden name as my middle name or anything, just *poof* gone.

  • I didn't take it for the first three years of our marriage. My reasoning was a bit silly. My father left me when I was 2 and I never heard from him again. I was still kind of holding on to hope he would come find me one day. Since my sister and mother both changed their names, there would be no way if I did too.

    Plus H never told me how much it meant to him. Then as years past, we had a few talks about it and he told me how it kind of hurt him that I wanted to keep a connection to a man I didn't even know yet he was here, loving me and I would not take his name.

    So I changed it to his name and don't regret it.

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    After much soul-searching I decided to change my name.  Hyphenating wasn't an option (his name was already hyphenated) and after seeing for myself what a PITA it is to be a kid whose mom doesn't share her last name, I decided to make the change.  I did keep my maiden name professionally for a few years and it was just confusing, especially where business travel was concerned.  More than once I had to have plane tickets re-booked because whoever made the reservations didn't know that my legal name wasn't the one I used at work. I wouldn't recommend going that route--if you make the change, change your name across the board.
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  • Did you take your H's last name/do you plan to take his last name?

    Yes

    Why or why not?

    I took his name for two reasons:

    1) DH is military.  Even though there are safety nets, there are more glitches in health care coverage when a dependent has a different last name (even though coverage is supposed to be based on the SS# attached to the person). 

    Hyphenating can be just as confusing.

    I wanted to avoid these situations.

    2) DH and I are having kids.  I wanted my daughter to have the same last name as her father and siblings.  And I wanted to have the same last name as my daughter. 

    HOWEVER, had we been able to stay in the National Capital Area or at least be stationed in a State Capital Area, I would have hyphenated my name.  I was a lobbyist with a hard earned reputation.   Being googleable is important (looking up my testimony before congress, my quotes in the various media outlets, etc). 

    But here in western FL, 8 hrs away from the capital, no one cares if you used to speak on the behalf of a 1/2 million people.  It does not translate into the work experience they require.

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  • Hrm.... interesting. We've talked about it, and we're both pretty in the middle about it.

    The thing is, I want to be a writer (along with teaching), and one day when I publish, I want to publish using my maiden name. This is a dream I've had since I was young, and it is important for me to do it for me. That probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but in my head it does.

    I think I'll take his last name but publish using my maiden name.

  • I had the same posting on the knot. It makes sense to me you want to publish with your maiden name.Some women grow up wanting to change it their entire life and some of us get attached. I am keeping my Entire name and adding his last name. It will not be more to sign like someone suggested on the knot. I never sign using my middle name and will not sign with my maiden to unless its on important leagl docs.
  • Let me give you a different perspective. In my line of work, I work with our entire employee population (thousands.)  The majority are women.  I can't tell you how many times I've spent up to an hour trying to find someone.  We have people who have a different name than in the payroll system, different in email, they call and yet a DIFFERENT name pops up on caller ID. 

    Please, just make a decision and stick with it and change it across the board if that is the way you are going.  Give your employee ID number so HR can find you.  If you hyphanate, figure out which name is first so we're not tyring to find you under the 2nd name because we knew nothing of the first name.

    I can't begin to tell you the problems it causes.  We go by employee number, but that doesn't mean that the employees call and leave an employee number, no just their name.

  • I can relate to your point (used to work in HR myself) but honestly, the problem you describe could be readily solved by your firm having a better system (example: a 21st-century HR database that allows for alternate last-name lookup). I think it's a bit much to ask people to consider their poor HR department or its outmoded information-management system when trying to determine their very identity.
  • From what I have seen, what we did is rare.  I was Ms. X.  He was Mr. Y

    We both changed our names legally (not so hard to do in CA because of a particular court case, maybe harder in other states).  I became Ms. X Y.  He became Mr. X Y.  No hyphen because we don't like it.  Our middle names stayed the same. 

    Granted sometimes it confuses people, and he has been called Mr. X, but luckily, it doesn't bother him.  It totally cracks me up.  It was nice, since we have 2 girls in my family, that our last name got to continue.  It's also nice that our kids will have the same last name.  My sister did not change her last name and had expressed to me it was a PITA to travel.  Professionally, we usually just keep our single names, but longer-term we haven't ruled anything out.

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  • Did you take your H's last name/do you plan to take his last name? Why or why not?

    No, I did not take his last name.

    Why? Because I have one. One that I was born with and has been mine my whole life. Why would I cahnge it now?

     

    I do like the  PP'sa idea though. why is it that the woman always has to change her name?

  • image fussbucket:
    I can relate to your point (used to work in HR myself) but honestly, the problem you describe could be readily solved by your firm having a better system (example: a 21st-century HR database that allows for alternate last-name lookup). I think it's a bit much to ask people to consider their poor HR department or its outmoded information-management system when trying to determine their very identity.

     

    Noooo, I don't mean that they should make decisions on how their HR department works, I just mean to be consistent.  If your name is Smith-Jones, then when you are calling and leaving a message, please tell us you are "Smith-Jones".  Your email should be the same.  

    We have a state of the art system, but if an employee tells me her last name is "Johnson" (because she got married 4 months ago) but she is not in the system because she never changed it with us, there is no way for me to magically know what she is now a "Johnson".

    We also have informed our employees over and over that they need to identify themselves by employee number, but, instead, we get non-existent names. 

    I'm just giving a little advice for employees to understand how confusing it can be when they go by several different names and are not being consistent.  If you choose to change your name, just make sure it's changed all across the board and that you actually use that name.

    We have to go by the legal name, so if you're going by something other than that, you better know what your legal name is when calling us.

  • Sugarmag- We actually talked about coming up with a new last name. I really want out last name to be Happies, so when people introduce us we're "The Happies". Our other idea was merging the letters of both of our names to make a new name.

     

    I'm a little confused with the X Y name scenario. To clarify, you both took your maiden name and his last name?

  • I have heard of that scenario, too.  I knew someone named Chodnicki and Nagler and they became "Chodler".  They merged the two names together.

    Yeah, we both took each other's last name.  We both took each other's "maiden name" and put them together as a last name.  It was just a matter of figuring out the order of names and quite frankly we picked the one that sounded better first.  Apparently this is actually common in Latino culture, we found this out after we did this (neither of us is Latino), and usually the names are reverse, female first than male. 

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  • lol.....i love the happies...that would be awsome!!!!

    there is a girl on my local board who did the 1/2 and 1/2 name.

    ex. she was brown and he was Mcdonnell....now they are McBrown...(i just amde that one up not her real name)

    smith and  jones could be smones,,,or jonith...you get it...

  • I took his last name.

    My friend who is an OBGyn uses her maiden name professionally, and her DH's last name personally.

  • I took his last name.

    My maiden name was hyphenated, and it was such a pain in the butt. Also, I didn't really have the option of double-hyphenating. That would've been ridiculous.

    I'm also at a point in my career/life that it wasn't a big deal for me to change my name. In fact, it's a great time so that didn't really factor in. I'm really glad that we have the same last name.

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  • I took his last name. I wasn't at all attached to my maiden name, and DH has an awesome last name. I was happy to change it. It suits me a lot better than Kore MaidenName did.
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  • We played with the idea of adding our last names to make one. H did not like Moretil. I thought it was funny. He didn't like Tillmor either. Some people are hard to please.
  • I did not take his last name.  My military records are still messed up from taking xh's last name, then going back to my maiden name.  I don't want to deal with that again.  DH told me he wanted me to take his name, so I said he should take mine if he really wanted us to have the same last name.  We actually agreed to hyphenate both our names, which is crazy since I already have my first and middle names, AND my mom's last name and my dad's last name, so to add a 5th name is silly, but whatever.  After we decided to both hyphenate, H told my mom and her response was, "I only know one guy who did that and he was a weirdo."  So DH chickened out, and we each kept our names.  My response to anyone who asks is, "We're still in our trial period."  Offspring will not have middle names, but will have hyphenated last names.  My last name is two syllables, DH's is one, both are easy to pronounce, so I don't see it being a problem. 
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  • I didn't---neither of us see the point and feel it's an antiquated tradition.

    Plus, it's actually rare for women in my field (academia) to change their names.

  • I took DH's name legally, but kept my maiden name professionally. I am a writer, so I totally understand wanting that. My name is tied to my body of work and I wanted that to be consistent and searchable, since my work history started years before I met DH. Also, my maiden name is very simple and that's a plus in my field. ?

    The only person who ever really drew attention to it was my former boss, when he handed out the paychecks--he'd always make a (very lame) joke about how he got confused b/c my byline was different than the name on my check. ?

    As far as taking his name, it was nice symbolically to share that, and it did mean a lot to DH. And overall, it just made things simpler in that it was obvious we were a married couple--same name on checks, vehicle registrations, legal documents, shared with our child, etc.

    image

    DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
  • Lite-bright, your siggy picture is beautiful! You have such a nice looking family :)
  • I have not yet taken his name and I am totally on the fence. I graduate this May and have thought my whole life I would be Dr. Maiden Name but I know that if I ever want to be Dr. Married Name I should change it before graduation so my degree is conferred in my married name and then it will be easier to obtain my state licenses. No matter what I choose, our kids will have married name.
  • I didn't. DH and I come from different cultural backgrounds and I wanted to retain my heritage in a visible way.
  • I'm taking his last name only because it feels right to me. I'll admit it'll make my last name much longer and I can't visualize a pretty way to sign his last name. But that aside, I've always known I'd take a last name of husband so it doesn't bug me.

    We thought very briefly of giving a son my maiden name as my father had no sons and the only other male in his family has one son who doesn't intend children.

    The only reason we're not doing that is we don't want our son to grow up having a name different from everyone else in his family. We may hyphenate but we're completely undecided on it.

    We've still got a couple more years to play with it before we work on baby number two anyhow.
  • Thank you, oddler! We clean up pretty good. :)
    image

    DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
  • I plan on hyphenating.  The only reason is because my son doesn't want to change his name and I want to make sure to have a name he can identify with so he feels like we are a family.  Our names do not go together at all, so I'm thinking I will go by my married name but legally be maiden name-DH name.
  • I don't think a hyphen would work for me. We both have four letter last names, and they sound stupid together... like Spot-Tops or something. Very similar letters in our last names.
  • I was torn for months about this. ?I really wanted him to take my name and he didn't for two reasons: he'd have the exact same name as my father who I don't like much and his parents would freak out because they are very old school about that kind of stuff. ?I wanted to do a merging of our names, but I lost that battle as both of our last names are pretty cool and all combinations kind of stink.

    I would be starting grad school a few months after the wedding, so I decided if I was going to change, I had to do it before I published anything in my field. ?Since my other publications were not in this field, it seemed okay. ?

    I did it - and like ripping bandaid, it only hurt for a second. Trying to make the decision was much much worse than the mourning of losing my last name, having made the decision.?

    I did the maiden name as my middle switch and signed my name: first middle last on everything for the first few months. ?Now, I'm just used to first last.

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