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MIL wants to move in!

I have been living with my boyfriend for a little over 4 months. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but we've managed to keep in mind what's really important. Recently, his mom has been having problems with her husband and they've decided to get a divorce. He thinks that it's appropriate to invite his mother into our home because it's "the right thing to do". I am 100% agaisnt it. I can't be in the same room with her for too long let alone live with her. I firmly said NO and now he says that I'm a bad person and that I don't care about him. Now he says that if I'm against it then he will move out with his mom so that he can help her. Is there any way to change his mind? Am I wasting my time?? I need help!
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Re: MIL wants to move in!

  • Leave him now.  Seriously.

    He is showing you very clearly that you can expect him to put his mother first.  Believe him.  Don't set yourself up for a lifetime of being frustrated & disappointed.

    If you lurk on here for a while you will see post after post of women that married men that acted like mama's boys, but they somehow thought getting marred would change things.  It doesn't.

    You haven't been together that long, aren't married & don't have children.  Now is the time to walk away.  Good luck.

  • I strongly suspect this is MUD but if it's not:  Run and don't look back.
  • It's one thing if he was saying "she needs a place to stay for a few days in order to find a more permanent place" or something to that affect.

    But if he's just blindly saying "my mom is going to move in" w/ no discussion, w/ no game plan in place, or what have you....

    Yeah, not a good sign. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
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  • Be thankful you are not married to him.  Unfortunately he has made it clear he wants to help his mom and you have made it clear you are 100% against it. 

    He made up his mind by telling you he is going to move out with his mom if you are against it.  Do you really want a relationship (or marriage) with a guy who is always going to put you second?

    He most likely will not change after you get married so think long and hard if you want to deal with this permanently.


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  • He already told you who is #1 in his life and it wasnt you. 

    If you are okay with that, stay with him, let his mom move in and be miserable .

    If you are not okay with that either let him leave or you leave.

    done.

  • Why would you want to change his mind? He's flat out told you he's picking his mom over you, let him. Let him move out with her and live happily ever after with her. Move on and learn.
  • I agree with PP's, move on.  I'm not trying to be mean, but if you've had "ups and downs" in only four months of living together, it probably wasn't going to work out anyway.

    On a side note, who wants to move in with their son and his gf? I mean, son and his wife is one thing... but a gf he's only lived with for four months?  Super awkward! 

  • I'd take this as a sign of "he's not the one!" You're living with him sharing a home of some sort and he's not taking what you have to say and even thinking about it at all.  Get out, let him and his mother have a happy little life together and find someone that will put you number 1.
  • On a side note... I've been living with him for 4 months but we've actually been together 3 and a half years. That's why it's so hard to let go.
  • image LIANYS08:
    On a side note... I've been living with him for 4 months but we've actually been together 3 and a half years. That's why it's so hard to let go.

     

    I hear ya.  But you're eventually thinking about marriage, right?  A dating relationship with a lot of "ups and downs" is going to be a marriage with a lot of "ups and downs."  You don't want a bipolar marriage.  Trust me - there are more happily stable relationships out there.

  • image LIANYS08:
    On a side note... I've been living with him for 4 months but we've actually been together 3 and a half years. That's why it's so hard to let go.
    Then use this to expand the conversation.  Does he feel it's his "duty" to take his parents in whenever they want to - as in, when they retire (if they haven't already) or are too old to take care of themselevs?

    Does your SO just think "well, yes, they can move in whenever they want". 

    If this is how he thinks, and if you don't agree- this is a HUGE issue that you need to hash out now and determine if it's a dealbreaker or not.

    I will always be willing to help my parents as best I can if they need it, but it's not a given to me that they would move in! 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • as the saying goes "there are more fish in the sea" or is it "better fish in the sea".Embarrassed

    either way let him go. buy a pole and go fishing.  good luck what ever you decide to do.

  • Thank you all for the great advice! I really appreciate it Big Smile

  • My Opinion Of Course: Do Not Let It Happen. Any guy that gives you an ultimatum like that is not worth having. It sounds as if he's told you upfront that his Mother trumps you and she probably ALWAYS will. Again: Do Not Let It Happen.
  • Is your name on the lease?  Did you move into his place?   Was this a house previously owned by his parents?

     

    He is putting his mother's wishes over yours, his ostensible life partner.  This clearly demonstrates your position in his priorities.  While it may sting for a bit, consider this a gift from the heavens.   You know how he thinks about you now and can get out before there is a mortgage and children in the mix.

  • image Mrs.H.:

    He already told you who is #1 in his life and it wasnt you. 

     

    exactly my thoughts. you're not #1 to him, im sorry =(

  • This does not bode well for a marriage.  You are living together and instead of taking your feelings into consideration (the person he lives with) he is ignorning you altogether and saying he's going to do what he wants and if you don't like it, he's going to move out and live with his mother.  I understand wanting to help his mom through a difficult time, but if that's the case he can do other things...help her get settled into an apartment, stop by and help her garden, with dinner, etc.  He is choosing her over you.  Unless she is disabled and uncapable of living on her own, there is no reason she needs to be living with you all. 

     I am really sorry, and of course it is hard to walk away after so much time with him.  But if you've been with someone for almost 4 years and they aren't putting you first or taking your feeling's into consideration, they aren't the one for you and will only hurt you in the long run.  I'd move out before he moves her in or moves out with her.  Many hugs.

  • He is waving a BIG RED FLAG in your face. Regardless of how many years you have been together don't spend any more on this boy. You are dodging a bullet if he moves out. Good riddance.Seriously.
  • 3 years seems like a long time, but 30 years is going to seem like an eternity.  It sucks to admit sunk costs, but it's better than continuing to invest in a plummeting stock.
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  • image LIANYS08:
    On a side note... I've been living with him for 4 months but we've actually been together 3 and a half years. That's why it's so hard to let go.

    A dealbreaker is a dealbreaker and this is one of them.

    I don't care if this is a cultural thing; he's slapped the cards down on the table. Cut your losses and go; indeed he's shown you who is Number One and that is not you. Sorry.

    You are also 20 years old. NOT a good idea to count on marrying your prom date. Leave this jerk.

  • image LIANYS08:
    I  Is there any way I can change his mind?

    Nope probably not.  Besides He is showing exactly where you are on the totem pole. 

     Am I wasting my time??

    Honestly, yeah.  Trust me we have all been there.  I dated a guy for 2.5 years and I am just so so grateful that we broke up and that I am now with  a wonderful husband.  I truly do thank my lucky stars.  Even though it was tough and I invested a lot of time on that guy, in the end it didn't matter.  He wasn't the right one for me.   Just let him go.  One day you will look back and be so glad that you did.

     

  • image MrsMammay:

    Leave him now.  Seriously.

    He is showing you very clearly that you can expect him to put his mother first.  Believe him.  Don't set yourself up for a lifetime of being frustrated & disappointed.

    Ditto this....tell him to move out if you can afford your place on your own.

    Its one thing to say "Can mom move in for 2 weeks until she can find a new place?"  Its another to say "My mom can live here and stay as long as she wants regardless of what you say--she will always be first in my mind"

  • She's not your MIL. She's your boyfriend's mother.

    Are you on the lease? If not, move out. If so, see the landlord about his mother moving in and taking over your share of the lease so you are off of it. But get the hell away from this situation. You have a picture perfect snapshot of what life with this man will always be like and he is moving in a roommate with you who will make your life a living hell, and he's doing it over your objections.

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  • Did anyone catch that the OP is 20 years old? That seems awfully young to living with a boyfriend. If you've been seeing this guy for 3 years (since you were in high school) I suggest you cut your losses and go figure out who you are. Hopefully you'll even realize there are guys out there who aren't like this.

  • well, since you're not married she's not MIL she's just your boyfriend's mom.

    if you don't like it move out. dump him. it's clear that he chooses her over you.

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  • image doglove:

    Did anyone catch that the OP is 20 years old? That seems awfully young to living with a boyfriend. If you've been seeing this guy for 3 years (since you were in high school) I suggest you cut your losses and go figure out who you are. Hopefully you'll even realize there are guys out there who aren't like this.

     See my reply. The first thing I did was click on her screen name.

     NEVER a good idea to want to marry your prom date. Lay flaming skid marks and say goodbye.

    He is not only a pvssy he's also emotionally blackmailing you:

     I firmly said NO and now he says that I'm a bad person and that I don't care about him. Now he says that if I'm against it then he will move out with his mom so that he can help her.

    This is not only a guy that will never grow up, he's also somebody who has a very dysfunctional relationship dynamic. Ugh...he's going to move out and move in with his mother because you won't play the fook along???

    This gives me the creepy crawlies. Anybody else?

  • How long did he want his mom to move in for?  Is she financially capable of moving out on her own? Does she have a job? did the dad cheat on her, etc?  How old are you guys?

    I personally think it wouldn't have been a major issue allowing her to move in for a predetermined time just to help her out, especially if she was a stay at home mom that does not have money of her own or something.  Also, at only  20 years old and dating my highschool sweetheart, I'd also be hard pressed to honestly pick my boyfriend over my mom.  At that point in my life, my parents still would be #1 most likely. 

    Use this as your chance to get out.  If  you really are only 20, there are so many other fish in the sea....

  • image Truchana:

    How long did he want his mom to move in for?  Is she financially capable of moving out on her own? Does she have a job? did the dad cheat on her, etc?  How old are you guys?

    I personally think it wouldn't have been a major issue allowing her to move in for a predetermined time just to help her out, especially if she was a stay at home mom that does not have money of her own or something.  Also, at only  20 years old and dating my highschool sweetheart, I'd also be hard pressed to honestly pick my boyfriend over my mom.  At that point in my life, my parents still would be #1 most likely. 

    Use this as your chance to get out.  If  you really are only 20, there are so many other fish in the sea....

    I am sure his parents are probably mid forties or fifty at the most. Let her ass get a job -- if she has not got one -- and find her own place to live!

     

     

     

  • Boyfriends can do whatever they like vis a vis their moms. It's different with husbands. Living together for 4 months hardly puts you in control of this.

    Best advice, he's not ready to put you first. Move on.

  • His mom is perfectly capable of moving out on her own. She has a good job and she's made it on her own before. She just likes to play the victim and for people to feel sorry for her (she's actually said that!). Her husband is actually my hero for leaving her, she can be a handful.  

     

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