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DH is walking on a tight rope....

My DH is drawing too much energy from me.  First of all, I have to remind him to do this or to do that, or else it will not get done.  It's like he is not a self starter at all, and most of what he starts he never finishes.  My DH has no problem with giving me money to help pay bills, but he never ask questions about if we have enough to cover our monthly expenses or ask if the bills have been paid or not.  It frustrates me because I think he should show that he is concerned with how our expenses being handled.  I feel that I am the one under all the pressure, because he walks around with this happy go luck attitude as if nothing is bothering him.  My DH drops our daughter off at daycare each day, and instead of him asking the caregiver if our daughter need any supplies...he just leaves, while the daycare calls me to tell me that our DD will be out of formula and diapers by noon.  I don't feel that the daycare should have to tell him, and that he as a father should show concern and ask if DD needs anything. 

My DH works one full-time job (which allows him flexibility), and I work a full-time job, taking 18 online college hours, and attend an academy from 5-10pm at night.  I'm trying to secure financial stability for my family, and I feel that DH should be a self-starter without me having to initiate his everymove.  It is nerve racking when you have to constantly tell a person to do this or to do that...It's like when am I going to be his wife.  I almost feel like I'm playing all three roles...a part-time wife, and a part-time mom, and the husband to him.

It's like I'm loosing respect for my DH as a man, as a father, and as a husband.  DH is a great guy, but the quality that I'm looking for in a man which is responsibility, self-starter attitude, self motivator...he doesn't have those qualities...He will promise me the world, and say that he will start taking care of business...it will last for a week and then it goes back to the same old habits....I'm getting tired of talking, and stressing, because if he doesn't get it now, then I'm not sure he ever will....The question is do I have the energy to deal with this forever with hopes that he will change, or give up on the man I love?

«1

Re: DH is walking on a tight rope....

  • If this is how you feel:

     DH is a great guy, but the quality that I'm looking for in a man which is responsibility, self-starter attitude, self motivator...he doesn't have those qualities...

     WHY did you marry this man?  You married him with the qualities he has and I think it's a bit unfair to say he's "walking a tight rope" and should mold to fit what you want him to be in order for you to be happy. You should have found a man with the above qualities if that's what you wanted instead of finding someone else and trying to force him to be what you want him to be. That just never works.

  • I would take issue with a child care provider who let DD's supplies diminish without warning.  I drop off diapers from time to time but if I run low, I expect more notice that w/i the hour.

    It sounds like you are very motivated and organized.  That's great, it just means that the people around you have learned that things get done by you.  With so much going on, you need change things and that means putting a good system in place for a lot of what you discussed. 

    While you keep track of all of this in your head, it sounds like DH needs to see it written down.  Why not come up with a weekly "check-in" of sorts where you talk about what needs to get done, who does it and the follow-up.  A list and plan, written down, might seem a little artifical, but it might just be the ticket to getting a fully engaged partner.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • image freemand_23:

    My DH is drawing too much energy from me.  First of all, I have to remind him to do this or to do that, or else it will not get done.  It's like he is not a self starter at all, and most of what he starts he never finishes.  My DH has no problem with giving me money to help pay bills, but he never ask questions about if we have enough to cover our monthly expenses or ask if the bills have been paid or not.  It frustrates me because I think he should show that he is concerned with how our expenses being handled.  I feel that I am the one under all the pressure, because he walks around with this happy go luck attitude as if nothing is bothering him.  My DH drops our daughter off at daycare each day, and instead of him asking the caregiver if our daughter need any supplies...he just leaves, while the daycare calls me to tell me that our DD will be out of formula and diapers by noon.  I don't feel that the daycare should have to tell him, and that he as a father should show concern and ask if DD needs anything. 

    My DH works one full-time job (which allows him flexibility), and I work a full-time job, taking 18 online college hours, and attend an academy from 5-10pm at night.  I'm trying to secure financial stability for my family, and I feel that DH should be a self-starter without me having to initiate his everymove.  It is nerve racking when you have to constantly tell a person to do this or to do that...It's like when am I going to be his wife.  I almost feel like I'm playing all three roles...a part-time wife, and a part-time mom, and the husband to him.

    It's like I'm loosing respect for my DH as a man, as a father, and as a husband.  DH is a great guy, but the quality that I'm looking for in a man which is responsibility, self-starter attitude, self motivator...he doesn't have those qualities...He will promise me the world, and say that he will start taking care of business...it will last for a week and then it goes back to the same old habits....I'm getting tired of talking, and stressing, because if he doesn't get it now, then I'm not sure he ever will....The question is do I have the energy to deal with this forever with hopes that he will change, or give up on the man I love?

    There's a lot in here, but I'm going to comment on just a few points. I handle the bills and the finances for DH and I. I like to do it, and DH isn't the most organized with finances, so it works out perfectly for us. He rarely asks how we're doing because he trusts me to handle it. If I tell him that our savings are getting a bit low and we need to cut back spending, he's fine with it. Otherwise, he really doesn't ask. We check with each other on big purchases, but for the most part he doens't ask if we have enough to cover our bills because he assumes we do unless I tell him. It sounds like that's not working for you -- do you want your DH to take over the bill paying instead?

    And as far as your DH never asking the daycare if they need anything -- um, I never do that either. They told me when they were low on forumla or diapers -- I don't understand why they can't just tell your DH. He really shouldn't be required to ask, but he should be able to remember to pick up more diapers or at least tell you that you need more if you're the one who goes shopping.

    It sounds like you're pretty unhappy with the man you chose to marry and now you're looking for things to pick apart. Oh yeah, you also sound like a bit of a martyr with the "I work a full-time job, taking 18 online college hours, and attend an academy from 5-10pm at night." Do you want to do these things?

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • DH is a great guy, but the quality that I'm looking for in a man which is responsibility, self-starter attitude, self motivator...he doesn't have those qualities

    I mean, seriously,now.  You're asking us what to do now - when you've already married him and HAD A CHILD w/ him. 

    Why did you marry him if he didnt' have these qualities?  Why did you marry him if you only wanted him to change? 

    I literally don't know what to say here. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • image doglove:

    If this is how you feel:

     DH is a great guy, but the quality that I'm looking for in a man which is responsibility, self-starter attitude, self motivator...he doesn't have those qualities...

     WHY did you marry this man?  You married him with the qualities he has and I think it's a bit unfair to say he's "walking a tight rope" and should mold to fit what you want him to be in order for you to be happy. You should have found a man with the above qualities if that's what you wanted instead of finding someone else and trying to force him to be what you want him to be. That just never works.

    It's not that I'm trying to mold him into being what I want him to be. In fact what I want is FOR him to be his own person without me having to tell him to do everything. In the beginning of our relationship it wasn't like this....you know how men will do anything in their power to show you that they are capable of being a great husband, and take care of responsibilites and so forth, and once you are married all of that changes.  Then the person feels that they do not have to put in any effort, because at the end of the day you are husband and wife.  It happens all the time, and it is a issue that I have. I feel betrayed in a way.  I feel that if I can live up to the expectations that I set forth, so should he.  Why should he be exempt?  I'm the type of person that when I say I'm going to do something, it can best believe that it will get done, because my word is my bond.  It's like with my DH he will tell you what sounds good to comfort the moment, and then he will live up to it for about a week, and then it ends...and the cycle begins.  I don't want to control or put demands on my husband. I want to be a soft loving and gentle wife...but he is making it hard for me to do that...

  • GBCKGBCK member
    Ancient Membership Combo Breaker

    Hoping/demanding that anyone change is an exercise in futility--it's unfair to HIM, because he deserves to be in a relationship for who he IS, not for who somene wants him to be.  It's unfair to you because it's fake and pretend.

     I do want to start with the quesiton...what changed?  You're not going to pretend this happened overnight; he's always been like this.  So why was it OK for so long and suddenly is NOT?

    And, yup, I get why it's annoying...but why are you equating "doing things right" with love?  Not remembering/realizing to ask about diapers =/= failing to show concern as a father.  Yup, it's an oversight...and a problem.  But it hardly means that he's indifferent to his kid, to you, etc.

    And...what are you (both of you) doing to Fix it?  Sure, sure, he should remember w/o a plan.  But...he's not.  So your choices are 1) leave 2) ignore it and let this be status quo or 3) come up with a way for him to do this.

    If you don't want it to be option 1 or 2, then you're stuck at option 3.  You know him, he knows him, in spite of you "feeling" that he should remember innately (which always rubs me wrong..."someone should have X personality trait because *I* do, so therefore it's the 'right' way to do things and his failure to do it that way is a personal slight and MUST be intentional"--so the fact that he doesn't ask about bills = a slight, the fact that he didn't remember diapers = a slight...when, in fact, youi're assigning meanings to things w/o necessarily having a cause), but the fact remains he doesn't do/remember these things.  You guys know him well enough that coming up with a plan to help him do what he 'needs' to do should be doable.

    If you're not willing to put aside why you 'feel' this is a slight and that he hought to do it innately?  well, then I think leaving is the only option.

    But if you'd rather work on the marriage and accept that you are 2 different people w/ differnt valuses, strengths and weaknesses, you 1) see a counselor (because the bitterness here isn't good any more than his 'cluelessness" is good--and a professional helping you see the problems would be an important start.  Call an EAP through work if either of you has one) and 2) work on the problem.

     

  • image freemand_23:

    My DH has no problem with giving me money to help pay bills, but he never ask questions about if we have enough to cover our monthly expenses or ask if the bills have been paid or not. 

    This is me.  My DH handles the bills.  I give him $$ as he needs it.  As a PP said, I TRUST him to handle the bills, so I dont' ask him about  it.

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • image freemand_23:
    you know how men will do anything in their power to show you that they are capable of being a great husband, and take care of responsibilites and so forth, and once you are married all of that changes. 
    Are you kidding me?  You think this is the norm?  wow. 
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • About the bills...I gotta say I'm your husband in that situation.  My H pays the bills, they come to the house in his name (cause he lived there first and we didn't bother to change the name on them to both of us or anything).  When we first got married and moved in we talked about finances and bills was one of those jobs that we decided would be his and honestly I NEVER ask about it, sometimes I check how our accounts doing online but I never ask him.  I trust that he'll ask for help if he needs it but I trust that he's doing a good job with it and me trying to help would end up just getting in the way and confusing things.   I hope though that he, like you doesn't think that I just don't care, because I do, It's just not something that worries me, I know he's responsible and would ask for help if he needed it.

    As for the kid thing and daycare I have no experience with that since we don't have kids.  Is he used to taking the kids to daycare? Does he realize that they don't have that stuff there?  What are his jobs around the house? 

     

  • image freemand_23:
    image doglove:

    If this is how you feel:

     DH is a great guy, but the quality that I'm looking for in a man which is responsibility, self-starter attitude, self motivator...he doesn't have those qualities...

     WHY did you marry this man?  You married him with the qualities he has and I think it's a bit unfair to say he's "walking a tight rope" and should mold to fit what you want him to be in order for you to be happy. You should have found a man with the above qualities if that's what you wanted instead of finding someone else and trying to force him to be what you want him to be. That just never works.

    It's not that I'm trying to mold him into being what I want him to be. In fact what I want is FOR him to be his own person without me having to tell him to do everything. In the beginning of our relationship it wasn't like this....you know how men will do anything in their power to show you that they are capable of being a great husband, and take care of responsibilites and so forth, and once you are married all of that changes.  Then the person feels that they do not have to put in any effort, because at the end of the day you are husband and wife.  It happens all the time, and it is a issue that I have. I feel betrayed in a way.  I feel that if I can live up to the expectations that I set forth, so should he.  Why should he be exempt?  I'm the type of person that when I say I'm going to do something, it can best believe that it will get done, because my word is my bond.  It's like with my DH he will tell you what sounds good to comfort the moment, and then he will live up to it for about a week, and then it ends...and the cycle begins.  I don't want to control or put demands on my husband. I want to be a soft loving and gentle wife...but he is making it hard for me to do that...

    This is crazy talk. Sounds like you were wearing blinders and believed him to be what you wanted him to be and later found out that he's not at all that. There are a LOT of men who don't pretend to be anything and are genuinely themselves throughout dating and marriage. I think it's unfair to say all men do what you are describing. Sounds like all the men you have found do this because you WANT to believe they are so wonderful.

    If you wanted a man who you didn't have to take care of, you should have found a man who could already take care of himself.

  • image livinitup:

    I would take issue with a child care provider who let DD's supplies diminish without warning.  I drop off diapers from time to time but if I run low, I expect more notice that w/i the hour.

    It sounds like you are very motivated and organized.  That's great, it just means that the people around you have learned that things get done by you.  With so much going on, you need change things and that means putting a good system in place for a lot of what you discussed. 

    While you keep track of all of this in your head, it sounds like DH needs to see it written down.  Why not come up with a weekly "check-in" of sorts where you talk about what needs to get done, who does it and the follow-up.  A list and plan, written down, might seem a little artifical, but it might just be the ticket to getting a fully engaged partner.

     

    The daycare sends daily logs of DD activites, and they specify on that if she needs any supplies, but DH doesn't always read the notes.  I don't mind paying the bills, but I feel that when I'm stressed about not having enough or not being able to make deadlines...he has no real solutions to the problems.  So I'm usually the one at the kitchen table pulling my hair out.  I would like him to provide more solutions to our issues rather than me having to figure everything out alone. I know some may ask "Well why did you marry him?" Well, first because I love him, and second you really don't complety or fully know someone until you have lived with them and are accustomed to their habits or routines.  I'm not saying that he doesn't have any qualites that I like, because he has many....it's just that he is lacking on the major ones....Now ladies if you ever need a romantic candle light dinner with a rose pedal bubble bath, and a glass of wine, with a massage after a long days of work...then DH is the guy.  He does all of that for me....I would just love it more if he focused more on his responsibilites in our household as well....thats all I'm saying.

  • image livinitup:

    I would take issue with a child care provider who let DD's supplies diminish without warning.  I drop off diapers from time to time but if I run low, I expect more notice that w/i the hour.

    It sounds like you are very motivated and organized.  That's great, it just means that the people around you have learned that things get done by you.  With so much going on, you need change things and that means putting a good system in place for a lot of what you discussed. 

    While you keep track of all of this in your head, it sounds like DH needs to see it written down.  Why not come up with a weekly "check-in" of sorts where you talk about what needs to get done, who does it and the follow-up.  A list and plan, written down, might seem a little artifical, but it might just be the ticket to getting a fully engaged partner.

     

    The daycare sends daily logs of DD activites, and they specify on that if she needs any supplies, but DH doesn't always read the notes.  I don't mind paying the bills, but I feel that when I'm stressed about not having enough or not being able to make deadlines...he has no real solutions to the problems.  So I'm usually the one at the kitchen table pulling my hair out.  I would like him to provide more solutions to our issues rather than me having to figure everything out alone. I know some may ask "Well why did you marry him?" Well, first because I love him, and second you really don't complety or fully know someone until you have lived with them and are accustomed to their habits or routines.  I'm not saying that he doesn't have any qualites that I like, because he has many....it's just that he is lacking on the major ones....Now ladies if you ever need a romantic candle light dinner with a rose pedal bubble bath, and a glass of wine, with a massage after a long days of work...then DH is the guy.  He does all of that for me....I would just love it more if he focused more on his responsibilites in our household as well....thats all I'm saying.

     
  • image livinitup:

    I would take issue with a child care provider who let DD's supplies diminish without warning.  I drop off diapers from time to time but if I run low, I expect more notice that w/i the hour.

    It sounds like you are very motivated and organized.  That's great, it just means that the people around you have learned that things get done by you.  With so much going on, you need change things and that means putting a good system in place for a lot of what you discussed. 

    While you keep track of all of this in your head, it sounds like DH needs to see it written down.  Why not come up with a weekly "check-in" of sorts where you talk about what needs to get done, who does it and the follow-up.  A list and plan, written down, might seem a little artifical, but it might just be the ticket to getting a fully engaged partner.

     

    The daycare sends daily logs of DD activites, and they specify on that if she needs any supplies, but DH doesn't always read the notes.  I don't mind paying the bills, but I feel that when I'm stressed about not having enough or not being able to make deadlines...he has no real solutions to the problems.  So I'm usually the one at the kitchen table pulling my hair out.  I would like him to provide more solutions to our issues rather than me having to figure everything out alone. I know some may ask "Well why did you marry him?" Well, first because I love him, and second you really don't complety or fully know someone until you have lived with them and are accustomed to their habits or routines.  I'm not saying that he doesn't have any qualites that I like, because he has many....it's just that he is lacking on the major ones....Now ladies if you ever need a romantic candle light dinner with a rose pedal bubble bath, and a glass of wine, with a massage after a long days of work...then DH is the guy.  He does all of that for me....I would just love it more if he focused more on his responsibilites in our household as well....thats all I'm saying.

     I
  • image livinitup:

    I would take issue with a child care provider who let DD's supplies diminish without warning.  I drop off diapers from time to time but if I run low, I expect more notice that w/i the hour.

    It sounds like you are very motivated and organized.  That's great, it just means that the people around you have learned that things get done by you.  With so much going on, you need change things and that means putting a good system in place for a lot of what you discussed. 

    While you keep track of all of this in your head, it sounds like DH needs to see it written down.  Why not come up with a weekly "check-in" of sorts where you talk about what needs to get done, who does it and the follow-up.  A list and plan, written down, might seem a little artifical, but it might just be the ticket to getting a fully engaged partner.

     

    The daycare sends daily logs of DD activites, and they specify on that if she needs any supplies, but DH doesn't always read the notes.  I don't mind paying the bills, but I feel that when I'm stressed about not having enough or not being able to make deadlines...he has no real solutions to the problems.  So I'm usually the one at the kitchen table pulling my hair out.  I would like him to provide more solutions to our issues rather than me having to figure everything out alone. I know some may ask "Well why did you marry him?" Well, first because I love him, and second you really don't complety or fully know someone until you have lived with them and are accustomed to their habits or routines.  I'm not saying that he doesn't have any qualites that I like, because he has many....it's just that he is lacking on the major ones....Now ladies if you ever need a romantic candle light dinner with a rose pedal bubble bath, and a glass of wine, with a massage after a long days of work...then DH is the guy.  He does all of that for me....I would just love it more if he focused more on his responsibilites in our household as well....thats all I'm saying.

     And for the one who
  • image livinitup:

    I would take issue with a child care provider who let DD's supplies diminish without warning.  I drop off diapers from time to time but if I run low, I expect more notice that w/i the hour.

    It sounds like you are very motivated and organized.  That's great, it just means that the people around you have learned that things get done by you.  With so much going on, you need change things and that means putting a good system in place for a lot of what you discussed. 

    While you keep track of all of this in your head, it sounds like DH needs to see it written down.  Why not come up with a weekly "check-in" of sorts where you talk about what needs to get done, who does it and the follow-up.  A list and plan, written down, might seem a little artifical, but it might just be the ticket to getting a fully engaged partner.

     

    The daycare sends daily logs of DD activites, and they specify on that if she needs any supplies, but DH doesn't always read the notes.  I don't mind paying the bills, but I feel that when I'm stressed about not having enough or not being able to make deadlines...he has no real solutions to the problems.  So I'm usually the one at the kitchen table pulling my hair out.  I would like him to provide more solutions to our issues rather than me having to figure everything out alone. I know some may ask "Well why did you marry him?" Well, first because I love him, and second you really don't complety or fully know someone until you have lived with them and are accustomed to their habits or routines.  I'm not saying that he doesn't have any qualites that I like, because he has many....it's just that he is lacking on the major ones....Now ladies if you ever need a romantic candle light dinner with a rose pedal bubble bath, and a glass of wine, with a massage after a long days of work...then DH is the guy.  He does all of that for me....I would just love it more if he focused more on his responsibilites in our household as well....thats all I'm saying.

     And for
  • image livinitup:

    I would take issue with a child care provider who let DD's supplies diminish without warning.  I drop off diapers from time to time but if I run low, I expect more notice that w/i the hour.

    It sounds like you are very motivated and organized.  That's great, it just means that the people around you have learned that things get done by you.  With so much going on, you need change things and that means putting a good system in place for a lot of what you discussed. 

    While you keep track of all of this in your head, it sounds like DH needs to see it written down.  Why not come up with a weekly "check-in" of sorts where you talk about what needs to get done, who does it and the follow-up.  A list and plan, written down, might seem a little artifical, but it might just be the ticket to getting a fully engaged partner.

     

    The daycare sends daily logs of DD activites, and they specify on that if she needs any supplies, but DH doesn't always read the notes.  I don't mind paying the bills, but I feel that when I'm stressed about not having enough or not being able to make deadlines...he has no real solutions to the problems.  So I'm usually the one at the kitchen table pulling my hair out.  I would like him to provide more solutions to our issues rather than me having to figure everything out alone. I know some may ask "Well why did you marry him?" Well, first because I love him, and second you really don't complety or fully know someone until you have lived with them and are accustomed to their habits or routines.  I'm not saying that he doesn't have any qualites that I like, because he has many....it's just that he is lacking on the major ones....Now ladies if you ever need a romantic candle light dinner with a rose pedal bubble bath, and a glass of wine, with a massage after a long days of work...then DH is the guy.  He does all of that for me....I would just love it more if he focused more on his responsibilites in our household as well....thats all I'm saying.

     And
  • image livinitup:

    I would take issue with a child care provider who let DD's supplies diminish without warning.  I drop off diapers from time to time but if I run low, I expect more notice that w/i the hour.

    It sounds like you are very motivated and organized.  That's great, it just means that the people around you have learned that things get done by you.  With so much going on, you need change things and that means putting a good system in place for a lot of what you discussed. 

    While you keep track of all of this in your head, it sounds like DH needs to see it written down.  Why not come up with a weekly "check-in" of sorts where you talk about what needs to get done, who does it and the follow-up.  A list and plan, written down, might seem a little artifical, but it might just be the ticket to getting a fully engaged partner.

     

    The daycare sends daily logs of DD activites, and they specify on that if she needs any supplies, but DH doesn't always read the notes.  I don't mind paying the bills, but I feel that when I'm stressed about not having enough or not being able to make deadlines...he has no real solutions to the problems.  So I'm usually the one at the kitchen table pulling my hair out.  I would like him to provide more solutions to our issues rather than me having to figure everything out alone. I know some may ask "Well why did you marry him?" Well, first because I love him, and second you really don't complety or fully know someone until you have lived with them and are accustomed to their habits or routines.  I'm not saying that he doesn't have any qualites that I like, because he has many....it's just that he is lacking on the major ones....Now ladies if you ever need a romantic candle light dinner with a rose pedal bubble bath, and a glass of wine, with a massage after a long days of work...then DH is the guy.  He does all of that for me....I would just love it more if he focused more on his responsibilites in our household as well....thats all I'm saying.

     And for the o
  • image livinitup:

    I would take issue with a child care provider who let DD's supplies diminish without warning.  I drop off diapers from time to time but if I run low, I expect more notice that w/i the hour.

    It sounds like you are very motivated and organized.  That's great, it just means that the people around you have learned that things get done by you.  With so much going on, you need change things and that means putting a good system in place for a lot of what you discussed. 

    While you keep track of all of this in your head, it sounds like DH needs to see it written down.  Why not come up with a weekly "check-in" of sorts where you talk about what needs to get done, who does it and the follow-up.  A list and plan, written down, might seem a little artifical, but it might just be the ticket to getting a fully engaged partner.

     

    The daycare sends daily logs of DD activites, and they specify on that if she needs any supplies, but DH doesn't always read the notes.  I don't mind paying the bills, but I feel that when I'm stressed about not having enough or not being able to make deadlines...he has no real solutions to the problems.  So I'm usually the one at the kitchen table pulling my hair out.  I would like him to provide more solutions to our issues rather than me having to figure everything out alone. I know some may ask "Well why did you marry him?" Well, first because I love him, and second you really don't complety or fully know someone until you have lived with them and are accustomed to their habits or routines.  I'm not saying that he doesn't have any qualites that I like, because he has many....it's just that he is lacking on the major ones....Now ladies if you ever need a romantic candle light dinner with a rose pedal bubble bath, and a glass of wine, with a massage after a long days of work...then DH is the guy.  He does all of that for me....I would just love it more if he focused more on his responsibilites in our household as well....thats all I'm saying.

     And for the one who asked a
  • image livinitup:

    I would take issue with a child care provider who let DD's supplies diminish without warning.  I drop off diapers from time to time but if I run low, I expect more notice that w/i the hour.

    It sounds like you are very motivated and organized.  That's great, it just means that the people around you have learned that things get done by you.  With so much going on, you need change things and that means putting a good system in place for a lot of what you discussed. 

    While you keep track of all of this in your head, it sounds like DH needs to see it written down.  Why not come up with a weekly "check-in" of sorts where you talk about what needs to get done, who does it and the follow-up.  A list and plan, written down, might seem a little artifical, but it might just be the ticket to getting a fully engaged partner.

     

    The daycare sends daily logs of DD activites, and they specify on that if she needs any supplies, but DH doesn't always read the notes.  I don't mind paying the bills, but I feel that when I'm stressed about not having enough or not being able to make deadlines...he has no real solutions to the problems.  So I'm usually the one at the kitchen table pulling my hair out.  I would like him to provide more solutions to our issues rather than me having to figure everything out alone. I know some may ask "Well why did you marry him?" Well, first because I love him, and second you really don't complety or fully know someone until you have lived with them and are accustomed to their habits or routines.  I'm not saying that he doesn't have any qualites that I like, because he has many....it's just that he is lacking on the major ones....Now ladies if you ever need a romantic candle light dinner with a rose pedal bubble bath, and a glass of wine, with a massage after a long days of work...then DH is the guy.  He does all of that for me....I would just love it more if he focused more on his responsibilites in our household as well....thats all I'm saying.

     And for the one
  • image livinitup:

    I would take issue with a child care provider who let DD's supplies diminish without warning.  I drop off diapers from time to time but if I run low, I expect more notice that w/i the hour.

    It sounds like you are very motivated and organized.  That's great, it just means that the people around you have learned that things get done by you.  With so much going on, you need change things and that means putting a good system in place for a lot of what you discussed. 

    While you keep track of all of this in your head, it sounds like DH needs to see it written down.  Why not come up with a weekly "check-in" of sorts where you talk about what needs to get done, who does it and the follow-up.  A list and plan, written down, might seem a little artifical, but it might just be the ticket to getting a fully engaged partner.

     

    The daycare sends daily logs of DD activites, and they specify on that if she needs any supplies, but DH doesn't always read the notes.  I don't mind paying the bills, but I feel that when I'm stressed about not having enough or not being able to make deadlines...he has no real solutions to the problems.  So I'm usually the one at the kitchen table pulling my hair out.  I would like him to provide more solutions to our issues rather than me having to figure everything out alone. I know some may ask "Well why did you marry him?" Well, first because I love him, and second you really don't complety or fully know someone until you have lived with them and are accustomed to their habits or routines.  I'm not saying that he doesn't have any qualites that I like, because he has many....it's just that he is lacking on the major ones....Now ladies if you ever need a romantic candle light dinner with a rose pedal bubble bath, and a glass of wine, with a massage after a long days of work...then DH is the guy.  He does all of that for me....I would just love it more if he focused more on his responsibilites in our household as well....thats all I'm saying.

     And for the one who asked about
  • I don't remember the specifics, but don't you also have a lot of issues with your ILs and your H siding with them over you?

    Is it possible that you're just fed up in general?

  • It sounds like you've bitten off more than you can chew and it's getting to you. He works full time, he takes DD to childcare.. seriously let it be.
  • image MrsMammay:

    I don't remember the specifics, but don't you also have a lot of issues with your ILs and your H siding with them over you?

    Is it possible that you're just fed up in general?

    That is part of the issue as well....

  • GBCKGBCK member
    Ancient Membership Combo Breaker

     

    It's not that I'm trying to mold him into being what I want him to be. 

     ............

    I feel that if I can live up to the expectations that I set forth, so should he.  Why should he be exempt? 

     

    With what you've said...these can't both be true.

    Seriously, all I"m getting from your update is confirmation that your complaint is 'I have X idea that a man should be.  I married a man who is Y.  WHy the hell wont' he be X now?"...and the answer is "probably because he is Y...if you wanted X, you should have married X"

     

    Soooo..

    explain this:

    Then the person feels that they do not have to put in any effort, because at the end of the day you are husband and wife.  It happens all the time, and it is a issue that I have.

    You really think this happens all the time...that men woo someone then do a 180 and become someone else?  Or did you mean something else.

     

  • How are your marriage counseling sessions going?
  • image freemand_23:
    you really don't complety or fully know someone until you have lived with them and are accustomed to their habits or routines.  I'm not saying that he doesn't have any qualites that I like, because he has many....it's just that he is lacking on the major ones....
    And I would argue that the "major ones" you should have been able to figure out w/o having had to live together!  Getting used to someones habits and customs isn't the same as determining if they have the same "major" qualities as you. 
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Have you discussed this with him at all?

    It sounds like you're getting more and more frustrated but not really seeking any sort of resolution. 

  • image EastCoastBride:
    image freemand_23:
    you know how men will do anything in their power to show you that they are capable of being a great husband, and take care of responsibilites and so forth, and once you are married all of that changes. 
    Are you kidding me?  You think this is the norm?  wow. 

    Exactly, me and my DH what we saw, was what we got. We didnt pretend to be anything other than what we where,

  • Sounds to me like you have a lot on your plate - and you're short of patients with him because of that. Definitely not a reason to leave.

    Make lasting changes to your habits/behaviors to put more on his plate...

     

    1. don't let him give you money to pay the bills. Develop a joint account for bills - both of you contribute to it and let HIM see to it the bills are paid. (one thing off your plate... check)

     

    2. Give daycare his number as the primary number to call. That forces him to be responsible for the diapers, etc. or pay the consequence (of having to go back) if he don't. (two things off your plate... check)

     

    You don't have to mother him - you choose to. Changing your own behaviors is the only option here. Let go of some of the control. Stop picking up that slack for him and he'll have no choice but to pick it up for himself.

     

     

  • image bbbx3:
    It sounds like you've bitten off more than you can chew and it's getting to you. He works full time, he takes DD to childcare.. seriously let it be.

    This.

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