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What gives?

My wife and I have been married now for 1 month, Yay! Everyone clap! We are in the honeymoon stage for sure but something is going on that we can't figure out. Yes we've been married a short time but we've also only been together for 1 year. During our 1 year together, the arguements we had could be counted on one hand. No fights, no drama.. we've been in relationship bliss.

Now, since our short marriage, we both seem to have become super sensitive to everything we say to each other. So much seems to be taken out of context, feelings are getting hurt unintentionaly... it's crazy! We've talked about it and can't figure out why we are argueing now when before we never did.

 We both had a lot of years being single so the only thing we can come up with is that we had become to used to being able to say "I just won't call him/her for a day or two." Now we're living together (have been for 9 months before the wedding), and we can't just walk away.

 We are already talking marriage counceling. Thoughts?

Re: What gives?

  • Could you both maybe be realizing, "Oh shiz, this is forever.. till death to us part.. *gulp*" and it's causing you both to be kinda sensitive?
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  • I agree with your theory and the PP's. I'm guessing that it's that feeling of "Wait, this is forever. She's doing this little thing that is kind of bugging me but I'm stuck with that habit for ETERNITY now!"

    Also, if you have only known each other for a year, and there was an engagement and wedding in that year, that was a lot of excitement and activity. Now that's all over with and it's the two of you looking at each other, saying "what's next?" You still need to get to know each other, if you're like me. I knew my H very well, better than anyone else knew him, when we got married, but now I look back on that (six years ago) and realize I know him MUCH better now than I did when we got married.

    It sounds like you two have good communication skills if you've already both noticed this change and been able to talk about it. I suspect/hope that it is simply an adjustment period for you.

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  • My take- you're talking about the "honeymoon phase".  Eh, if you're going to revolve your relationship around phases and "expect" certain times to bring on certain behaviors and feelings.... you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

    Big picture - this is still a new relationship, not even talking marriage!  You still have a lot to learn about one another.  A LOT. 

    Add in marriage, and add in this idealic concept of "honeymoon phase" - I think you're going to be reacting to expectations. "wait, we're in the honeymoon phase and we're having a fight? Oh NO! What's wrong? " and it starts to become a bigger issue than it really is.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • So you moved in after 3 months of seeing each other and then married 9 months after that and have been married for one month...do you think that part of the argument is just because during your whole relationship it's probably been a whirlwind of a romance?  You got together, had the butterflies, you had the excitement of moving in then being engaged then you're planning the wedding then there's the actual wedding...there's always something crazy big and exciting happening and now you're married and maybe "real life" is hitting you both?  You're no longer in a spot where you're looking forward to something exciting you're more in the 'now'?

    Do you guys do things apart from each other? have a night a week that's just you out or her out?  Maybe you need a little space from each other, even just separate hobbies in the same house?   Maybe you can sit down and put it all out on the table, come up with a game plan (do it when you're NOT in an argument).  Is there a way to tell the other person if you're getting frustrated over something their doing? If you're fighting over nothing can you come up with a way to stop it letting the other person know that you love them and this fight isn't worth it without dismissing their thoughts?

  • Wait, you moved in after dating for only 2 months?

    I'm thinking that you guys really rushed all the steps in your relationship (dating, moving in, engagement, wedding) and now you're going through a bit of withdrawal-shock. As PPs said you're dealing with forever now.

    Plus, it's unrealistic to expect "relationship bliss" to last forever. In your time together it sounds like you guys haven't learned how to disagree or fight with each other, which is a normal and healthy part of any marriage. Now you guys are married but you don't know how to argue.

    I'm thinking the taking-out-of-context, feelings-hurt-unintentionally is because you guys have an idea that disagreement is bad and should be avoided. It sounds like you've put a lot of pressure on yourselves to have this perfect, drama-free, blissful relationship, and any time you two disagree it gets blown into a bigger issue because you fear that it's undermining that relationship bliss. 

  • I don't know how old your wife and you are, but this is why it is not a good idea to be together a year and then get married. It seems like a rushed courtship, yes?

    Regardless, I would consider marriage counseling as an option, if for no other reason, it should be used as a tool to help you two out, not necessarily as a last ditch effort like a lot of couples do. I think it is very important to be proactive in marriage, not reactive.

  • imoanimoan member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary

    It's crazy to think about how little I knew about my H at one year.  You guys didn't wait until you knew most of the quirks and traits about each other before committing.  This is stuff you normally find out during the dating period, you're finding out now that you're legally bound to this person.

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  • It sounds like you've actually just left the honeymoon stage of your relationship (relationship, not marriage).
    image
  • I dated my H for less than a year before we got engaged, and we got married only 8 months after that.  So it was definitely fast.  So I can commiserate with you for having people judge you on that.

    But the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship had been over, and we knew each other very well - risky indeed, for sure, but after 4.5 years of being married, nothing has really changed that much, so I guess we were right.  Whatever.

    But I get the feeling this is one of each of yours first relationships, and it's SOO easy to be on your best behavior for several months - enough time to move in and get engaged and married, like you guys.  I think it's possible to make a short courtship work, but your frequent fighting sounds like you didn't really know each other all that well, not truly.

    I don't ever say this, but I think a marriage counselor would be a perfect idea for you guys.  I think you need to clear some things up, and if some heart-to-heart conversations can do that, well, do it, counselor or not.

    Really, I think ALL my many relationships were awesome and totally great the first 6 months or so - but that part is easy, and always fun.  It's what comes after that honeymoon period that determines whether it's a good relationship or not, and getting married then is very risky, especially if you're very young.

  • It's almost like the "Honeymoon Phase" happens before the wedding.  Everything is about you two, how much you two love each other, and planning the celebration of your love (i.e. the wedding).  Now the wedding is over, and all the excitement is gone.  But it doesn't have to be.  The celebration of your love can be everyday, in smaller ways.  Even the simple act of planning a weekly date night can fill this excitement, or cheap weekend get-a-ways.  Be creative!  This is a new chapter for both of you.  The party is just beginning!  And you'll have tons of things to argue about.  Sometimes, if something minor, you can always say, "Let's agree to disagree," or write it down and say you'll revisit it in a week to let each other cool off and rethink the problem and come up with solutions.

  • Marriage counseling is a good thing. Sure, a lot of couples go only when they "have issues" that need worked out...but you also learn how to better communicate, and pick up on tools that can help the both of you communicate better going forward. I think it's a pro-active step in the right direction. It is a whilrlwind when you move in-engadged-married in a short period of time. Perhaps the reality of the everyday life is setting in...and that's OK. Your relationship will grow & evolve...nothing wrong with asking for help by going to a professional.
  • I'm reply without reading any other posts so some things might be repeated.

    When you lived together before you got married, did you have the same problems? or is this new since you got married? I think counceling is a good way to go, especially if you're not wanting to just walk away. You're married so something was there to make you want to take that next step. Maybe you need to have a weekend away, individually or whatever to give each other that space.

  • What a great point, thank you! I guess we really are still getting to know each other and that's not something we've really thought about. All the buzz, the excitement, the distraction of 9 months of planning... then, the big party is over... ha ha ha! Thank God we have been able to recognize the situation and we've already "lightened up" by taking a big breath, reminding ourselves that we are the same people that we were before we said, "I do."

     Thank you, your post was perfect.

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