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money issues causing problems...

so my husband believes there's a tree in our back yard that grows money and he can spend, spend, spend!!!  he's been laid off for 2 years (which is a whole other issue in itself) and i'm currently in a job transition as well, so money is VERY tight.  when he was working i was able to "control" his spending habits by having him give me 'x' amount every month to cover our expenses and whatever he had left was his to do what he wanted with, no questions asked.  that worked PERFECTLY.  now that he's not working, getting him to give me a portion of his unemployment to help pay bills is like asking him to cut off his right arm and he continues to spend on the most trivial things.  it's seriously affecting our marriage to the point that i've considered a seperation, which is NOT what i want.  i love him and am committed to our vows, but i don't know what to do.  his motto is, "it'll all work itself out".  we have nothing in savings, nothing for retirement and i'm constantly stressing over the bills.  marriage counsling isn't an option because we don't have any insurance right now and i can't afford a counsler without it...and he probably wouldn't go anyway.  HELP!  i need some unbiased advise!
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Re: money issues causing problems...

  • Maybe separating and letting him fend for himself financially, room and board and such, would be a good experience.
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  • Ditto Kuus.  And if he can't control his spending, what does that mean in the long term for YOUR credit score?  Is he gambling or something?

    Have you sat down and shown him your budget numbers?

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  • I'd tell him all of this, even the part that it has you so stressed out that you've considered leaving him. Then I'd hand him the stack of bills that need to be paid and ask him how it's going to happen. 

    "Working itself out," could mean bankruptcy. Maybe he's fine with that. You should find out.

    Lastly, is he showing symptoms of depression? I mean seriously. Because people that are depressed often can't see things for what they really are.  And since you don't have health insurance, I'd get him to go to the doctor and ask for some prescription samples. 

  • One of two things need to happen for you, OP.  Either he needs to step up and become more financially responsible, or he needs to get a job.  ANY job.  If he's not putting out five applications a day, even to fast food places or other run-of-the-mill jobs, he's not trying.  In fact, he's taking advantage of you and your income to see him through.

    If he's not doing one or both of those things, I'd honestly suggest leaving.

     

  • Two years? Please.. I know times are real tough but a number of chains resturants and stores have been hiring...there's got to be something he could do and it sounds like he's not even trying to find a job because he knows you'll do all the working for him and he can still collect. How does that even work after 2 years? Around here it gets pretty hard to keep it after 6 months even after going on mulitple interviews and having children in the household.

    I agree with PP..seperate to let him learn his lesson. Not only has he been damaging your financial situation but your marriage severely. Don't put up with his BS.

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  • image Geek_Girl:

    Ditto Kuus.  And if he can't control his spending, what does that mean in the long term for YOUR credit score?  Is he gambling or something?

    Have you sat down and shown him your budget numbers?

    Ditto Kuus.  I was also wondering if you have shown him your budget.  Sometimes actually seeing where your money is spent helps more than just telling him.

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  • imoanimoan member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary

    Do you like being used by someone who is supposed to love you?  Because that is what is happening here.

    You have to argue with him to get his unemployment check?  Oh, what a way for him to provide for his family.  You have to pay all the bills and he gets to use his unemployment check as fun money?  That is COMPLETELY unacceptable.

    You married a selfish and inconsiderate azzhat. 

    And eff the "depression" excuse.

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  • image law0623:
    his motto is, "it'll all work itself out". 

    Translation: "I take no responsibility!!!"

    Is that really what his vows to you were about? I don't think so.

  • image law0623:
    when he was working i was able to "control" his spending habits by having him give me 'x' amount every month to cover our expenses and whatever he had left was his to do what he wanted with, no questions asked.  that worked PERFECTLY. 

    So you've never been a wife at all to him, just his mommy?

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  • And remind me again why you're with this d-bag?

    Simple solution: DTMFA

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  • Ditto PPs. Show him the numbers; he needs to understand how much it costs just to LIVE. It sounds like he has no idea what things like rent, food, utilities, etc. cost. If you show him and he still doesn't man up, then it's not that he doesn't know - it's that he doesn't care.

     And that's a problem.

    If that's the case, it's time to get the heck out of Dodge.

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  • Having a DH who lost his job and was unemployed, but very quickly found PT work to help us get by - I truly do NOT understand men like this, and I dont' udnerstand the women who put up w/ it. 
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  • He needs to find some type of job to keep him busy.  A 2 year gap in employment is going to make it really hard to get employment anywhere.   He needs something on his resume even if it's not the job he wants.  I was unemlpoyed for 4 months after I got laid off & only that long because I had my wedding and honeymoon coming up.  I didn't want to take a job and ask right away for all that time off.  But employers still asked me lots of questions about my gap in employment.

     My H had a hard time adjusting to money issues with me.  He also likes to spend and I like to save.  We had some issues in the beginning because he did not want to talk about it or have to control his spending.  After talking we agreed that I would handle the money.  His parents spoil him and give him whatever he wants.  Mine raised me to budget and be responsible.  So I pay the bills.  Each week we each get a little money for ourselves.  And put some into a fund for us together to go out or buy things for the house.    My H would waste money on drinks at the gas station when we had drinks or home.  Or just little things he didn't need.  I asked him what he really needed a day for lunch or drinks and he sticks to the budget.  When people have different spending habits and merge their lives together it takes time. 

  • image EastCoastBride:
    Having a DH who lost his job and was unemployed, but very quickly found PT work to help us get by - I truly do NOT understand men like this, and I dont' udnerstand the women who put up w/ it. 

    Me neither. My FI was laid off a couple of months ago, and has yet to find full-time work, but took on a PT job and has been supplementing with occasional work with a family friend's construction company. There are jobs out there - might not be ideal, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do for a paycheck, KWIM?

    I don't understand how anyone (man or woman) can just mooch off of others, especially their spouse.

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  • image MrsSmiley09:

     My H had a hard time adjusting to money issues with me.  He also likes to spend and I like to save.  We had some issues in the beginning because he did not want to talk about it or have to control his spending.  After talking we agreed that I would handle the money.  His parents spoil him and give him whatever he wants.  Mine raised me to budget and be responsible.  So I pay the bills.  Each week we each get a little money for ourselves.  And put some into a fund for us together to go out or buy things for the house.    My H would waste money on drinks at the gas station when we had drinks or home.  Or just little things he didn't need.  I asked him what he really needed a day for lunch or drinks and he sticks to the budget.  When people have different spending habits and merge their lives together it takes time. 

     that sounds pretty similar.  he's the spender, i'm the saver, his parents also gave him anything he wanted...when i start in on the worry about the bills, he calls me my dad.  i don't think temporarily seperating would do anything...i think he'd just run home to mommy and daddy (across the street!) and they'd continue to enable him.  thankfully he doesn't gamble, he just buys stupid sh!t we don't need.  leaving isn't as easy as it sounds, especially when you don't believe in divorce.  we've known each other our whole lives and i don't think it's fair to run when the going gets tough.  marriage isn't easy and it takes work.  i just wish we could get around this one obstacle as really, it's the only thing we argue about...but it's a doozy.  i've thought about getting in touch with the pastor that married us for counsling, but he didn't like him much, so i don't know.

    ...and i guess that technically he hasn't been completely unemployed.  the last 2 summers he's worked for a friend, but it's seasonal work and it's just not enough. 

    i absolutely hear everything everyone's said, because my head has said the same things.  but it's hard to get your head and heart in synch, especially when you're with someone you've loved for 20 years.  there has to be another solution.

  • How old are you that you've been in love with him for 20 years?

    How hard is he trying to get a job?  

    You say that it's not fair to run when things get tough, but 'things' aren't tough, your H is a selfish dovche.  He doesn't care that you're struggling with the bills while he's having fun with his money.  Why doesn't this bother you more?

     

  • imoanimoan member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary

    And with the "I don't believe in divorce" comment... I'm writing this poster off as a lost cause.

    Have fun as your lovely H sends your azz to the poorhouse!

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  • i'm 34 and i never said it didn't bother me.  that would be why i'm posting on a forum to solicit advice from complete strangers.
  • Well all the strangers are telling you the same thing- leave him.

    Seriously, what reason does he have to change?  There are no consequences for his bad behavior.  He has his fun money and you take care of all the bills and adult responsibilities.

    Again, do you really think he's doing everything he can to find a job?  Has he taken over the household chores while you're the only one working, or are you doing the cooking & cleaning too?

  • ARe you his memom or are you his wife???

     when he was working i was able to "control" his spending habits by having him give me 'x' amount every month to cover our expenses and whatever he had left was his to do what he wanted with, no questions asked.  that worked PERFECTLY

    Might I ask WHY you pursued the relationship with him when you found out he could not handle money? You had to know about this when you were dating...

    And once again, it's another couple who did NOT  have a premarital discussion regardi8ng how money would be saved and spent after they were married. Nothing new here.

    Time for you to wake your H the hell up: MONEY DOES NOT GROW ON TREES --- and why are you tolerating his wild spending habits????

    Tell him that the buck stops here, so to speak --- and let him know that if his out of control spending continues for one day more, he's out the door. Next he'll be spending you straight into bankruptcy --- and do you have ANY idea where that money is going? You ought to; I strongly suggest you find out starting right now.

     

  • image Mycrimsonheart:

    Two years? Please.. I know times are real tough but a number of chains resturants and stores have been hiring...there's got to be something he could do and it sounds like he's not even trying to find a job because he knows you'll do all the working for him and he can still collect. How does that even work after 2 years? Around here it gets pretty hard to keep it after 6 months even after going on mulitple interviews and having children in the household.

    Have you read the papers or heard the news at all? Long term unemployment is now THE NORM.

    Google and ye shall LEARN.

    The unemployment offices are full of people out of work for 8 months a year or more than one year. The fact of the matter is that there are zero jobs left and 15 million people --- NOT THE U-6 number -- out of work. Gonna tell  me how they're gonna magically materialze 15 million jobs so that all these people can return to work???

  • People who "don't believe in divorce" don't marry people from whom they'd be better off divorcing.  I "believe in divorce" plenty but we're celebrating our 5th anniversary this summer and don't have any problems at all - nothing like this, at least.  Not "believing in divorce" doesn't make people happy, and it also doesn't keep people together.

    Enjoy your life with this child, and have fun playing the martyr.  I bet there's a big medal in heaven for people who suffer their whole lives enabling a$$holes, so you have that to look forward to!

  • Another thing: if he's done positively nothing about finding a job, do yourself a favor: show him the door.

    A guy who lives off his wife is no man at all -- this is a huge character flaw. And why would you want to stay married to somebody as douchey as this?

     

     

  • Not to be harsh but when a bunch of complete strangers all give you exactly the same advice then there is probably something in it.

    If you dont want to separate or you dont believe in divorce, then I would separate my finances completely. Set up my own bank accounts. Open a househol account into which I paid enough to pay half the bills and then pay what could be paid with the money. Obviously you are on the way to bankruptcy or the poor house with your current system and y'alls credit woll be shot to hell. At least when it hits the fan you will have some money in reserve.

    You are not his mother, for better or worse and for richer or poorer does not mean you take completely responsibiltiy for supporting his lazy profligate ass. Take action now or you will be forever in a financial hole.

     

  • image imoan:

    Do you like being used by someone who is supposed to love you?  Because that is what is happening here.

    You have to argue with him to get his unemployment check?  Oh, what a way for him to provide for his family.  You have to pay all the bills and he gets to use his unemployment check as fun money?  That is COMPLETELY unacceptable.

    You married a selfish and inconsiderate azzhat. 

    And eff the "depression" excuse.

    Ditto ALL of this. My H and I are going through hard times financially as he's been struggling to find a job. I can't remember the last time my H even bought an item of clothing for himself!!! WOW.

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  • image TarponMonoxide:
    image Mycrimsonheart:

    Two years? Please.. I know times are real tough but a number of chains resturants and stores have been hiring...there's got to be something he could do and it sounds like he's not even trying to find a job because he knows you'll do all the working for him and he can still collect. How does that even work after 2 years? Around here it gets pretty hard to keep it after 6 months even after going on mulitple interviews and having children in the household.

    Have you read the papers or heard the news at all? Long term unemployment is now THE NORM.

    Google and ye shall LEARN.

    The unemployment offices are full of people out of work for 8 months a year or more than one year. The fact of the matter is that there are zero jobs left and 15 million people --- NOT THE U-6 number -- out of work. Gonna tell  me how they're gonna magically materialze 15 million jobs so that all these people can return to work???

    Tarpoon, you're quite right about all this and this recession is effecting men more than women. But she didn't mention anything about him looking for a job and made it sound like he's sitting on the couch all day or going out to buy video games and fast food. I was speaking from a personal perspective about jobs though, around my area there are some jobs, just not very good ones but I also should have considered it's not like that everywhere.

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  • image TarponMonoxide:
    image Mycrimsonheart:

    Two years? Please.. I know times are real tough but a number of chains resturants and stores have been hiring...there's got to be something he could do and it sounds like he's not even trying to find a job because he knows you'll do all the working for him and he can still collect. How does that even work after 2 years? Around here it gets pretty hard to keep it after 6 months even after going on mulitple interviews and having children in the household.

    Have you read the papers or heard the news at all? Long term unemployment is now THE NORM.

    Google and ye shall LEARN.

    The unemployment offices are full of people out of work for 8 months a year or more than one year. The fact of the matter is that there are zero jobs left and 15 million people --- NOT THE U-6 number -- out of work. Gonna tell  me how they're gonna magically materialze 15 million jobs so that all these people can return to work???

    It stinks out there, no doubt. And, depending on your skill set, full time employment is really hard to find. I don't know where in the country you are - either you or the OP - but I agree with Mycrimsonheart. There ARE some jobs out there. Especially with summer coming up, restaurants and bars are starting to hire. Retail is starting to pick back up, and places like Lowe's and Home Depot often hire seasonal help for the spring and summer. Will these jobs pay much? Probably not. Are they the beginning of a dream career? Probably not. It's not ideal. But that's life. It sounds like any income for OP's household would be helpful at this point.

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  • Law.....

    What possible excuse does he give you when you ask for his contribution to the household bills?  I'm imagining he can't be completely oblivious since you married him after knowing him so long.  As far as the "it'll all work out" statement, well he's obviously in denial, but that denial is hurting you.  Does he know that?  Also, for his own sake of self worth, after two years he needs to go out and get any kind of job he can find.  I have a 17yr old son, he has had no trouble getting entry level jobs.  My husband was also laid off a few years ago after his company closed down.  He was out of work for almost a year.  It was a really hard time for us. When he got the new job he was ready to go out and work anywhere if they didn't hire him.  Luckily he did get that job in his field.  We all need to feel of value.  Men get that from working.  He needs to get out of the house and just do it.

    Your response to the scenario of you leaving him is very telling.  If you left him you say he would go back to his parents and live off them.  It sounds like unfortunately you married a boy.

    I know this is going to sound harsh, but don't have any children with him until he learns to be a man.

    Good luck to you.

  • Have you shown him in black and white what comes in and what goes out?  If you have not - try it before you up and leave.  If he responds "everything will work out" - respond with "only if WE work it out" . 

    You BOTH should had a specified amount of fun money - but only an amount that is reasonable for your budget.

    Also - a good book for you BOTH to read and do the exercises is Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach.  IT wil help  you get on the same page -- IF he wants to wlrk on your finances.

  • to those who gave honest and thoughtful replies, thank you.  it was the feedback that i was looking for.  to those who gave nasty and condencending replies...wow.  none of you know me or my situation, thankfully, as i wouldn't want friends like you.  i was hesitant to post here because i've read some of the nastiness in other threads, and you didn't disappoint.  continue on here if you like; i will not as i got all that i was looking for.
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