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Would you be offended...

I am one week late for the baby to come.  We are waiting around and jumping at every little move happening here.  My family and our friends are calling and checking up on us.  We have heard NOTHING from the IL's... even DH hasn't heard anything.  

Today he took the day off to stay home with me.  We figured this is our last weekend alone as a couple as they will induce me this week if nothing happens by Monday.  He works at his family's deli on the weekends.  They gave him an attitude about it.  

They haven't shown any interest in this baby or pregnancy... unless someone was looking.  Would you be offended?  DH is upset that they haven't called me at all... I don't care about that because I know they hate me.  I care more that they haven't called him and that now he has to feel like his child will get the same poor treatment as I do.  WDYT? 

Re: Would you be offended...

  • image JJcre8:

    I am one week late for the baby to come.  We are waiting around and jumping at every little move happening here.  My family and our friends are calling and checking up on us.  We have heard NOTHING from the IL's... even DH hasn't heard anything.  

    Today he took the day off to stay home with me.  We figured this is our last weekend alone as a couple as they will induce me this week if nothing happens by Monday.  He works at his family's deli on the weekends.  They gave him an attitude about it.  

    They haven't shown any interest in this baby or pregnancy... unless someone was looking.  Would you be offended?  DH is upset that they haven't called me at all... I don't care about that because I know they hate me.  I care more that they haven't called him and that now he has to feel like his child will get the same poor treatment as I do.  WDYT? 

    You bet this is rude.

    He needs to have a little talk with them. He's got to step up to the plate and let them know that their inattentiveness is hurting the both of you and that it will NOT be tolerated from here on in.

    This is their grandchild; how they feel about you is one thing but to blatantly ignore a future grandchild to be is intolerable.

  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    To give them the benefit of the doubt, if they really are self absorbed or don't care, they might not even know the due date, and they figure

    I was 10 days late before I was induced.  If my future DIL is a week late, I'm not sure I would call to make sure she was ok.  I was ok, and when the baby was born, I'd get a phone call.

    I'm sure that if something went wrong, I'd get a phone call, too.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • Does it suck?  Yes.  Can you all talk to them?  Sure.  But you know waht?  Them being "grandparents" doesn't mean they really are all that "in" to your child or being grandparents.

    And yes, actually, if they don't like you, that might affect their attitude towards your child.

    Again, does it suck?  Yes.  But at the same time, they don't HAVE to be involved, they dont' have to care, they don't have to be interested.  This is their choice. 

    How this affects your child, though, is really on you.  You can let your child know "they didn't care", or you can say "Well, some people are more involved in our lives, and others aren't.".  You go w/ the latter?  Your child won't take it personally, won't be hurt about it.

    And if they actually treat your child poorly?  then that means they dont get access to your child!  It's one thing to not be very intersted, it's another to actually treat your child poorly!!

    I get being sad.  I get being upset.  I'm not sure that "offended" is really the right word.  It kind of sounds like you and your DH need to start working w/ (and accepting) how his parents are instead of expecting them to suddenly change. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • image JJcre8:

    They haven't shown any interest in this baby or pregnancy... unless someone was looking.  Would you be offended?  DH is upset that they haven't called me at all... I don't care about that because I know they hate me.  I care more that they haven't called him and that now he has to feel like his child will get the same poor treatment as I do.  WDYT? 

     

    If they don't like you, as you assume, then I would assume that they're not excited about the pregnancy, and I would consider that natural consequence.  I don't know your story or if you have done anything to them (knowingly or unknowingly) that they feel this way.   But if they're not able to look past whatever issues they have with you for the sake of the grandchild, they're probably not people worth having in your child's life.

  • I would be offended.  However, you can't make some interested in yourself or your child.  I would just ignore it. 
  • image MrsSmiley09:
    I would be offended.  However, you can't make some interested in yourself or your child.  I would just ignore it. 

     

    This.  My BF has dealt with the same thing with her MIL. Her 2 boys are her only grandchildren so you would think that her MIL would take interest but she doesn't. You can't make someone interested in your child. If anything I think your DH needs to speak to them about this.  I know it is upsetting, it upset by BF a lot, her DH said something to his mom about it, ultimately she didn't care. She has just learned to deal with it, her kids have a relationship with her side of the family and that's pretty much it.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Sometimes it isn't even about not liking you... it's just they are absorbed in things other than grandchildren.  DH's dad has always been absentee:  he was during most of DH's adolescence, and nowadays he'll call us 2 hours before he sweeps into town, expecting us to meet him wherever he tells us he is eating/staying, then sweeps right back out.  He only knows his granddaughter's birthday because his step-daughter was born on the exact same day... otherwise we get GCs for the kids in the same month as their birthday (most of the time).

    I'm not offended by it, but I do my best to allow the kids to build healthy relationships with the grandparents/relatives that do take an interest in them... so they can realize it might be more about that person than them.

    Waiting for some innocuous creativity... I'll let you know.
  • Some people aren't into being grandparents. Maybe they'll be excited when the baby is here. maybe they won't

    My MIL never rang me about the pregnancy and I wouldn't expect her to.

    She did turn up at our house unannounced on my due date and wake me up from a nap. I wanted to throat punch her. 

    [IMG]http://i55.tinypic.com/213pzit.jpg[/IMG]
    Elizabeth 3yrs old Jane 1yr old
  • image KateLouise:

    Some people aren't into being grandparents. Maybe they'll be excited when the baby is here. maybe they won't

    This is why I don't understand what there is to be "offended" about.  Upset? Sad? Disappointed?  Yes.  Offended?  No.

    My IL's are not the most involved inlaws.  My MIL specifically- I think she's more in love w/ the idea of a grandchild than she is w/ her actual grandchild.  I'm annoyed by them.  I'm saddened by it.

    But I'm not offended.  This is WHO they are.  Who am I to dictate to them or anyone else how they 'must' act because they've now been assigned the role of "grandparent"?  And in reality - it's a role assigned to them by no choice of their own! 

    That's what I dont' get about the concept of being offended over this.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Offended?  I wouldn't be surprised.  People who don't care about me, don't call me.  And I don't expect it.

    Sounds like you have people who love you and care about you.  Your husband, too.  I wouldn't waste any energy getting worked up about anyone else.  

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • This is a difficult week and you have bigger worries than your inlaws. Put this out of your mind; concentrate on settling in with giving birth, resting, remaining calm, and remaining connected and happy with your dh. So his parents are putzes. Ah well. Not much you can do to fix that. So quit kvetching about it and move on. Pick picking at that scab is not going to help you at all, and can make a hard time harder.

     

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • His family hates you, and yet he continues to suck at the family teat?

    He needs to get a job elsewhere.

  • image JJcre8:

    I am one week late for the baby to come.  We are waiting around and jumping at every little move happening here.  My family and our friends are calling and checking up on us.  We have heard NOTHING from the IL's... even DH hasn't heard anything.  

    Today he took the day off to stay home with me.  We figured this is our last weekend alone as a couple as they will induce me this week if nothing happens by Monday.  He works at his family's deli on the weekends.  They gave him an attitude about it.  

    They haven't shown any interest in this baby or pregnancy... unless someone was looking.  Would you be offended?  DH is upset that they haven't called me at all... I don't care about that because I know they hate me.  I care more that they haven't called him and that now he has to feel like his child will get the same poor treatment as I do.  WDYT? 

    Your husband works for them on the weekends, but he took off this weekend because, well, just for the heck of it? And you have a baby on the way? I'm sure they're pissed off!  He's going to be a new dad soon, and I'm sure they're figuring he'll miss a lot of work once the new baby comes. Him taking off BEFORE the baby comes, just to enjoy a nice weekend with you probably really bugged them. I'd have given him attitude about it too. Yes, he's their son, but he's also their employee, which means that him taking off means they have to cover for him or bring someone else in. If they dislike you, they probably think you "made" him take off, which would likely make them even less likely to call.

    I'm sure they also figure that he'll call when you go into labor, when you go in for an induction, or when the baby comes. Them calling to check on you isn't going to bring the baby faster, and if they were checking in constantly on you, it would probably drive you crazy.

    Get over it. You can't make them be involved. The more you stress about it and over-analyze every little thing they say or do, the more you'll drive yourself crazy. I speak from personal experience here. The less I care about what my ILs say or do, the happier I am, and thus the happier my husband is too. 

  • image EastCoastBride:

    Does it suck?  Yes.  Can you all talk to them?  Sure.  But you know waht?  Them being "grandparents" doesn't mean they really are all that "in" to your child or being grandparents.

    And yes, actually, if they don't like you, that might affect their attitude towards your child.

    Again, does it suck?  Yes.  But at the same time, they don't HAVE to be involved, they dont' have to care, they don't have to be interested.  This is their choice. 

    How this affects your child, though, is really on you.  You can let your child know "they didn't care", or you can say "Well, some people are more involved in our lives, and others aren't.".  You go w/ the latter?  Your child won't take it personally, won't be hurt about it.

    And if they actually treat your child poorly?  then that means they dont get access to your child!  It's one thing to not be very intersted, it's another to actually treat your child poorly!!

    I get being sad.  I get being upset.  I'm not sure that "offended" is really the right word.  It kind of sounds like you and your DH need to start working w/ (and accepting) how his parents are instead of expecting them to suddenly change. 

    I think this pretty much sums it up!

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  • image mcgee:
    image JJcre8:

    I totally disagree with this: 

    Your husband works for them on the weekends, but he took off this weekend because, well, just for the heck of it? And you have a baby on the way? I'm sure they're pissed off!  He's going to be a new dad soon, and I'm sure they're figuring he'll miss a lot of work once the new baby comes. Him taking off BEFORE the baby comes, just to enjoy a nice weekend with you probably really bugged them. I'd have given him attitude about it too. Yes, he's their son, but he's also their employee, which means that him taking off means they have to cover for him or bring someone else in. If they dislike you, they probably think you "made" him take off, which would likely make them even less likely to call.

    Sure, I guess:

    I'm sure they also figure that he'll call when you go into labor, when you go in for an induction, or when the baby comes. Them calling to check on you isn't going to bring the baby faster, and if they were checking in constantly on you, it would probably drive you crazy.

    Totally agree:

    Get over it. You can't make them be involved. The more you stress about it and over-analyze every little thing they say or do, the more you'll drive yourself crazy. I speak from personal experience here. The less I care about what my ILs say or do, the happier I am, and thus the happier my husband is too. 

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • How this affects your child, though, is really on you.  You can let your child know "they didn't care", or you can say "Well, some people are more involved in our lives, and others aren't.".  You go w/ the latter?  Your child won't take it personally, won't be hurt about it.

     

    This, yes and no. My daughter's grandmother on her father's side has a real problem with her. Ever since my daughter was little she has had a problem with her and when I say little I mean still in diapers. No one is even sure why, my ex has called her on it and even her own husband has called her on it. She treats my daughter very differently then the other grandchildren. I tell my daughter that the woman is BSC and to not let it get to her, not everyone is going to like you but it still hurts her deeply. After the last stunt that her grandmother pulled my daughter has disowned her and will not under any circumstances even speak to her.

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